Group of Weirdos: Twilight Princess
by Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs
Summary: One day, an unfortunate farm boy is quite literally dragged into a world saving adventure against his will. Fortunately, to help him he is able to recruit the... unstable bosses that he beats to assist in his cause. This is fated to go badly.
1. Startin' with a Fetch Quest

_Welcome one, welcome all to the third entry to the Group of Weirdos series. I'll be your host for the next year and a half, so allow me to open by explaining the format for those unaware. Basically, the bosses Link beat will join him on his quest. That's all there really is to it. Also, ninety percent of characters are messed in the head. But that's just my writing style._

_If you happen to encounter any typos, please tell me. I try to proofread several times but, well, I've missed things before. I was rereading GoW:MM and was horrified at some of the obvious things I missed. As you can tell I hate typos. Now I've seen other authors offer imaginary rewards for people who point out mistakes, so you guys will get... um... a 60 inch HD plasma TV, partnered with a surround sound stereo system and blue ray player. Imaginary of course. Yeah. Beat _that_ other authors._

_Published August 14, 2011_

**Startin' with a Fetch Quest**

It was after a long day of work and toil that two men sat beside a natural fountain, relishing in the tranquility. One man was obviously older than the other, sporting an impressive beard, while the other seemed to be in his late teens, sporting nothing unique.

"Tell me," said the older man, "do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls? They say it's the only time when our world intersects with theirs... The only time we can feel the lingering regrets of spirits who have left our world."

Link looked over to Rusl, blinking confusedly. "What?"

"It is the hour of twilight, the hour where we can feel their loneliness..."

He put a hand on Rusl's shoulder, patting him comfortingly. "I'm sorry that your play never made it big, but you don't need to constantly quote it. Let it go, please, we're all worried about you."

Rusl jerked away, almost tearing up. "It was my life's work! I can't just 'let it go'! You don't know what it's like Link, to have your whole life just thrown out the window by some rich bureaucrat who's never done an honest day's work! But I'll have my revenge... sweet, glorious revenge... I'll show them what happens when you wrong Rusl Vengeanceson! On a completely unrelated note, can you deliver something to the royal family of Hyrule for me in a few days? I was supposed to go but, er, things came up."

Link sent him a dry glare. "I don't see anything suspicious about that at all."

"You have never been to Hyrule, right?"

"No... And I don't think this is the occasion that will bring me there."

Rusl chuckled, looking out at the water. "It's a magnificent place. There is a great castle, far more massive than any tree which has ever grown, and a town around it leagues larger than our little village. There are also quite a lot of hot rich girls who would _love_ to feel the muscles of a young, strong farm boy like yourself."

Link stood up, brushing himself off. "Well, I think I'd better get some sleep now. Best leave bright any early for Hyrule, eh?"

"Not quite yet." Rusl joined him in standing. "I need to talk to the mayor about it first, to clear up some issues. Let's head back to the village for now."

"Let's."

The two men began to gather their supplies, Link untying his loyal steed Epona. The great horse had three bundles of wood lashed to her back and sides, agitating her profusely in that Link didn't feel the need to take them off before sitting in the shade for half an hour. As a result, she head butted him upon getting within range. For those unaware, a horse bashing heads with a human hurts the human... a lot.

"OW! Girl, why did you do that?" he groaned, picking himself up off the floor. Epona snorted indignantly and began to follow Rusl, ignoring him. "Not nice at all..."

Not even an hour later, Link was abruptly distracted by a loud yelling outside his house. He grumbled, shouting, "What?"

"You mind helpin' me herd the goats?" Fado the goatman shouted back. "They ain't listenin' to me lately! Must be because o' them being in matin' season, and they didn't like me segregating the males and females so I don't have a hundred thousand babies runnin' around. You know how large their litter gets, eh? It's 'bout a hundred babies per goat!"

"I did not need to know any of that. I'm coming, I'm coming..." He began to search for his shoes.

"Hey, where's Epona?"

Link froze midway through putting his boot on. "Oh no... Not again..."

-One revelation later-

He peeked out from the small hole in the cliff, looking at the subjects standing alone in the local spring. Ilia was humming happily as she gave Epona a much needed washing. He needed to find a way to get her away from his companion, but how?

Despite the risk to his own safety, Link sent his hand out of the hole and grabbed a rock. With a well timed throw he had it splash at the opposite end of the spring. Ilia looked in that direction, distracted by the noise.

That was his signal. Link dashed out of his hiding place, leaped onto Epona with a single bound and took off. "Sorry-Ilia-I-need-to-go-round-up-some-goats-see-you-later-bye!"

"H-hey! Link, I wasn't done! She needs her mane braided!"

But he was already long gone.

"Dammit."

With his steed secured, Link and Epona cantered on up to the Ordon Ranch. "I'm back."

Fado stood just beside the entrance, staring mournfully out at the goats. "Great Link, thanks for coming. These darlings have been awfully aggressive lately. They won't listen to a word I say. I mean, yeah, I neutered half of them because I had nothing better to do and I ride the other half daily, but what else are you going to do with a goat? We don't eat them, we don't drink their milk because it's poisonous to us, we really don't do anything but waste resources up here."

"Please stop talking to me."

Link and Epona ran at the herd of goats, whooping at them in an attempt to drive them toward the opened barn. The goats simultaneous looked at the duo and roared, all ten charging at him in response.

"This was a bad idea."

The first goat climbed onto another's back and jumped through the air, tackling Link off his horse's back. He struggled with it on the ground for a moment until managing to get on top of the goat, putting it in a headlock. "Aha! Who's got who now?"

The goat tried to buck him off, only succeeding in wearing itself down. Eventually, it settled for letting out a cry which alerted the other goats of its plight. They stopped chasing Epona and ran to assist their comrade. "Also a bad idea."

He bailed from his current target as the others piled on top of it, sparing himself from a horrible fate.

"You can do it Link!" Fado shouted from safety. "I believe in you!"

"I NEED A WEAPON!"

"Keep up the good work!"

"STOP SHOUTING STOCK QUOTES AND GIVE ME SOMETHING SHARP AND STABBY!"

Link ran in front of the barn, finding himself between it and a vicious goat. The goat charged at him, bowing its head in an attempt to bash with its blunt horn. Out of reflex he dove to the side. The goat ran inside the barn and into a stall which closed on it.

**GOAT IN!**

He froze. "Who said that?" There was no answer.

Seeing as this strategy worked, Link did it over and over, growing more disturbed by the omniscient voice with every success. Sadly, by the final goat, it had learned from the mistakes of its cohorts. It watched Link carefully, analyzing his every move. This tactic was negated when Epona came up behind it and kicked it face first into the barn. Link slammed the doors shut and barred them, sighing in relief.

**GOAT IN! That's all for today folks, I'll be back next time!**

Fado approached them, clapping wildly. "Link, Epona, much obliged to both of y'all! With a beating like that in them I think I can cover tomorrow without havin' to trouble you twos. You can take it easy and relax, bud."

Link tented his fingers, cackling quietly. "I plan to relax tomorrow, oh yes I do..."

"That was ominous. Well, have a good night!"

-The next day-

"Hey, wake up, Link!"

Link was once again awoken by a shout from outside, this one courtesy of the village children. He rolled over and put his pillow over his head, pretending to have not heard them.

"Link, I know you're there! Come on, it's morning already!"

"Someday, you'll learn to appreciate the greatness of sleeping in," he shouted out at them.

"But not today! Come on, we wanna see you stab wooden targets!"

He begrudgingly went out to meet them, dragging his wooden sword with almost no energy. "I got it here."

"That's old news!" Talo declared, glaring at his sword.

"But you just said-"

"Link, they're selling a _slingshot_ at the store right now! A SLINGSHOT! It's like a stick, only it splits off, and it has a sling on it, and you can _shoot_ at things with small rocks, and it's the most awesome thing ever conceived by human hands! We need to get it!"

Malo, Talo's younger brother who looked like a baby planning to take over the world, said, "I wonder how powerful it is... I must try it... Talo, buy it for me at once!"

Beth, the relatively level headed member of their trio of misfits, decided to bring some common sense into them. "If you two want it so badly just buy it."

"Beth, do you see any rupees in my hand? I don't have money, you know that! Can't you just loan it to us for a while?"

"No."

Their discussion began to fade away until someone began poking Link's side. "Link? Are you awake?"

He jumped in place, swatting away Talo's hand. "Huh? Oh, yeah, I didn't fall asleep standing up because your conversation was ridiculously boring. Why would you ask me that? Did you hear that? The mayor calls, gotta go!" He ran.

-In the village-

"Hey, Link, up here!"

Link looked up at the sound of Jaggle, Malo and Talo's father. Upon locking eyes he screamed, jumping back. "Sweet Farore, what happened to your face?"

Jaggle laughed, the forehead that took up over half of the front of his head not budging an inch. "You see, I feel into the river and got dragged around by the current a few minutes ago, and when I came out I looked like this. Crazy, eh?"

"That's horrific! You need to see a doctor!"

Jaggle laughed again. "Doctors, who needs 'em? What have they ever done for me?"

"They removed that second nose you used to have on your elbow. Now that I think about it, a lot of terrifying stuff happens to your body. Didn't you have two heads for a day?"

"That's life for you. Now take a look over there. Sera, the general store owner's cat, is just sitting next to my house having a staring contest with the creek all night."

"This is going to turn into some sort of trivial fetch quest, isn't it?"

Jaggle shrugged. "That's not what I wanted to talk to you about anyway. See that grass growing over there?" He pointed at a pillar of rock several metres away. "Haven't I seen you whistle with that stuff before?"

"Yeah... where is this going?"

-Several seconds later-

Link screamed, waving his arms wildly as a horde of hawks enveloped him, fighting for the right to land on him. This had the unfortunate side effect of mauling him viciously. "THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!"

As it turned out, to get the slingshot Link had to buy it at the general store. However, the store owner was depressed and wouldn't sell anything until she had her cat back. The cat wanted a fish and, after being even more viciously maimed trying to grab it and bring it back, he had to get a fishing rod in order to give it the fish it wanted. To get a fishing rod he had to use the hawk grass to summon a hawk and shoot a monkey, snatching the cradle it had stolen and giving it to a pregnant woman who rewarded him with the fishing rod her son worked so hard to make. Using this he caught a fish and learned the valuable lesson that yes, cats _do_ eat fish. The cat ran back to its home and he was given a free bottle for his troubles. Before he could get the slingshot he had to roll through the grass and break open pumpkins to get the thirty rupees required as he was completely broke. Needless to say, the pumpkin farmers were not pleased.

"I... HATE... fetch quests," the farm boy hissed, slapping the rupees down on the counter.

"What an odd thing to say. Here's your slingshot!"

Upon acquiring it he heard a voice shout from outside the shop window. "You got the slingshot! Children LOVE this item. You can hold up to fifty pellets- Hey! Fuck off bees! OW! THEY'RE STINGING ME WITH THEIR STINGERS AND IT HURTS! WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE A NATURAL DEFENCE SUPERIOR TO MY OWN?" With all that completed, he returned to the children.

"LINK HAS A SLINGSHOT!"

"Wow, you had enough money to buy it?"

"Well, the pumpkins did..."

To his irritation, Link was forced to shoot out at least a dozen targets for the amusement of the children. He eventually lied, saying that he was out of ammunition.

"You gotta teach us how to use a sword then," Talo exclaimed, jumping with joy.

"Haven't we done this already?"

"This is for real! Lately these monkeys have been coming out of the woods and playing tricks on us! We want to get them good!"

"By goring them? All right, this is something I can fully support." So he completely devastated his training dummy for their amusement.

"I get it now!" Talo exclaimed, swinging a branch around as though it was a sword. "Now I can beat up all those monkeys, right?"

"Nay, first you need something sharper than that so they'll actually die when you smack them. Otherwise they'll just bite you and you'll probably get sick. I was bitten by a monkey once and it is not an experience I will ever wish upon another human being. In fact, it's probably why I hate animals so much."

Beth pointed behind Link dramatically. "There's one!"

Talo, also seeing the monkey, let out a mighty scream and ran at it, chasing it into the woods. The other two kids followed, disappearing down the path. For a moment Link did nothing, mentally wondering if he should even bother. Eventually, his morals overcame his laziness and he walked after them.

Not long after his 'pursuit' began, he saw Beth off to the side, standing around. "Talo and Malo went chasing that monkey like maniacs," she explained. "I can't keep up with those two."

Just a bit further was Malo. He pointed across the only bridge out of the village. "They went that way."

"And so the monkey chase begins."


	2. The Genius of a Genius Mind

_Dammit, I have too many imaginary home entertainment systems to buy. Do you guys have any idea how much imaginary money that takes? I'll need a second imaginary job at this rate -_-_

_Published August 17, 2011_

**The Genius of a Genius Mind**

-Faron Woods-

Link cautiously crept forward, his wooden sword held at the ready. This was farther than he had ever been without Rusl and his sharp, metal sword at his side. He was prepared to take on whatever the world threw at him, no matter how big... scary... or powerful... they would be. Suddenly, this didn't seem to be a good idea anymore. His eyes darted side to side, searching for even the slightest movement.

"BLEH!"

A Deku Baba burst from the ground, snapping at him. Link screamed and began smacking it ineffectually with his wooden sword, closing his eyes and swinging wildly.

"Dude, what are you doing?"

Link stopped, realizing that the irate Deku Baba wasn't attacking back. "I'm... attacking you?"

The plant snorted. "Really? I could have sworn you were giving me a massage with how pathetically you were waving that thing around. And you're supposed to be the hero?"

He scowled, keeping his sword up. "Hero? Hero of what? I'm just trying to find a kid. Speaking of which, did he come through here?"

The Baba nodded. "Yeah, and he hit harder than _you_. Is that thing... made of wood? If you're the hero, we're boned."

"I'm _not_ the hero!" He was tempted to start swinging at it again.

It gave him a look over. "Different from everyone else in your village?"

"...A little."

"Parentless?"

"Sadly, yes."

"Pre-established combat skills?"

"To an extent."

"Going on a quest outside of your village for the first time?"

"Yes..."

"Yup, you're the hero. Could someone just cut me in half with a real sword right now so I don't have to suffer the fate of your incompetence?"

An enormous blade came down on the Deku Baba, splitting it down the middle. On the giving end was a gargantuan man, seemingly green skinned and covered in tribal tattoos. His face was blocked from view by a strange mask that shared colour schemes with his large shield. "Don'tcha love the local pests?"

Link was naturally terrified by the fourteen foot sword wielding jungle man. So he nodded frantically. "Uh-huh, really really annoying, don't kill me."

The warrior laughed jovially. "Silly person, I don't want to kill you." He paused. "Actually, I have a gift for you."

"Why did you say 'actually' there...?"

"Don't think about it too hard." The warrior pulled what looked like a mask from his pouch, a purple, heart shaped mask covered in spikes and sporting two soul piercing yellow eyes. He tossed it to Link who dropped his stick to catch it. "Consider it a gift I've desperately wanted to get rid of for a long time. Catch ya later." He began to walk down the path Link had come from, whistling to himself.

Link looked down at the mask and, finding it scary to look at, put it with the rest of his gear.

"Oh, two more things!" the warrior called. "One: if you see a land fish that swears like a sailor, I wasn't here. Two: if that thing doesn't drive you insane in a week then you're a god in human form. See ya!" He disappeared without giving Link a chance to argue further.

Link went down on a knee and prayed to the goddesses to never let him encounter any more such people again.

-In the Golden Land-

"Oy, Nayru, someone's asking us to never have extended interactions with anyone insane ever again."

"I care because...?"

"You're the nice one."

"Relatively speaking, yes I am. Now go pester Din about it."

"Oy, Din, someone's asking us-"

"I'ma drunk, I don't care!" Din waved her arms, inventing a new weather phenomenon on the spot: tornadoes made of fire, also known as the Middle Finger of God.

-Back with the not-hero-

Having successfully stolen a lantern from a sleeping man who sported an enormous forehead, a seemingly common feature among the forest people, Link continued through the dark woods. A bat landed on his head at one point, prompting him to scream and dive head first onto the ground, crushing the bat and giving the not-hero a splitting headache. In retrospect he wished he hadn't done that.

"HEY! Hey, shit for brains, look over here!"

Link slowly looked over to the dog sized fish that was flopping across the ground with surprising swiftness. "Huh?"

"Forest boy, you speak English?" He slowly nodded. "Good. Tell me if you've seen a giant green bastard with an over compensating sword and a retarded mask he thinks is still in style!"

"Nope," Link answered. The fish swore several times and flopped away, not thanking Link.

"_Not even trying to deceive him? You're no fun._"

Link jumped to his feet, shakily pulling out the wooden sword. "Who said that?" He got no answer.

"The hell are you screaming about?" the fish shouted back at him. "I don't like people with quirky characteristics. I've dealt with enough of those. They make me want to tear throats out. You won't like me when I want to tear throats out, got it? Good."

With that strange moment out of the way, he was forced to continue searching for Talo. "Talo!" he called, cautiously moving through the foggy forest. "I'm thinking that you didn't plan this out very well!"

"Who the hell is that?"

Two bokoblins came from around a large tree, their axes looking much more dangerous than Link's wooden sword. "Hey, a Hylian," one grunted. "I haven't seen one of you things in ages!"

Link laughed nervously. "H-heh, we're pretty uncommon around here. Hey, have either of you, uh, seen a kid and a monkey running around, if you haven't though that's no problem, yeah, but have you?"

One of the bokoblins nodded. "Oh yeah, we've seen 'em all right. Rik and Vrtr are getting ready to cook them up ahead, aren't they?"

"I think so," the other confirmed, nodding erratically. "Yup, those lazy bastards are gonna try to keep them all to themselves, but we'll show them! They thought they could trick the mighty Hykl and his sidekick Wwvr, well we'll show them!"

"Why do I have to be the sidekick?" Wwvr snapped, glaring.

Hykl rolled his eyes, itching his ear with the blade of his axe. "Because I'm older and I'll be damned before I let my little sister call me inferior!"

"You're _way_ to full of yourself. I should make your face full of my axe instead!"

"Bring it! When I'm through with you, I'll- Hey, where'd the Hylian go?"

Link, meanwhile, was having a very poignant discussion with a bird with an afro. "Hey! You! You're super! Buy something!" the bird squawked.

Link looked down at the bowl of lantern oil and cash box beside it. "How often do you actually get paid for this stuff?"

"All the time! Lots! No one gets away from Trill! I'll claw your throat out! Eat it for dinner! WRAAACK!" The bird began to clean its wing.

"I'm going to move on now."

The path curved up to the side of an enormous tree, one that twisted high into the sky. Link peeked from behind a rock, seeing Talo and the monkey both trapped in a wooden cage. Two bokoblins guarded it ineptly. To save the kid and the simian, he would need some sort of cunning plan. Facing them in combat with what was basically a stick would not yield good results. Suddenly, inspiration struck.

Link returned to Trill, hands innocently folded behind his back. "You know, there are two monsters over there who are planning to rob you."

The bird started screeching and took flight. "I'll show! I'll show them what happens when you try to rob Trill! You die! That happens! You die!"

Just ahead, the bokoblins were involved in an ethical discussion regarding the unfair treatment of miniblins when the blue bird dive bombed one, grabbing it by the eyes and throwing it into a nearby abyss. The other looked at this with mild annoyance. "Hey." Trill latched his beak onto its throat and pulled the oesophagus out with one tug, killing it. He flew back to the shop, munching on the organ.

"That was disturbing." Link freed Talo and the monkey and started to escort the former back to the village.

"Thanks, Link," Talo meekly said. "If you hadn't come, me and that monkey would have probably been eaten!"

"And this is why we never leave the village."

"She's actually a pretty nice gal, that monkey..."

"Did you inspect for the gender or something?"

"I don't want to talk about it... Um... You're not going to mention this to my dad, are you?"

They reached the bridge into the village. "The part where you were almost eaten or how you fondled the monkey?"

"Preferably both..."

"Yyyyeah, I don't think I'll _ever_ mention this day again."

Talo ran off. Just a second later, Rusl approached Link from a different direction. "Hello Link. My son told me Talo disappeared into the woods and had not returned. I came as soon as I heard. But it looks like you've already handled the situation."

Link waved off his concern. "Oh, it was nothing. Just a few plants and bats and monsters and birds with afros that eat flesh... I'm taking the long way to Hyrule."

Rusl laughed, slapping him on the back. "It's a strange world we live in. Believe me, you have not seen anything yet."

"Now I'm afraid."

"HEY!"

Both of them looked to the north, seeing Wwvr and Hykl running at them with their weapons in the air. "You ran away from us!" Hykl roared. "Not cool, man." The duo then noticed that Rusl was drawing his noticeably metal sword. "On the other hand, erm, bye!" They ran away, screaming hysterically.

-One day later-

**GOAT IN!**

**GOAT IN!**

**GOAT IN!**

"STOP YELLING THAT!" Link screamed into the air, paying no attention to the looks Fado gave him.

After another session of rounding up goats Link approached the mayor, but after turning his back for roughly three seconds Epona was gone. "Let me guess: Ilia."

Knowing where his horse had been taken, Link set off for the spring near his house. On the way there he ran into Colin, Rusl's depressed looking son. "...Link," he quietly greeted.

"Hi. Ilia came through here with Epona, right?"

"...Yes."

"Okay, thanks!" He ran off, desperate to reclaim her. He had to go to Hyrule!

After quickly crawling through his regular entry point to where he had an advantage, he quickly spotted Ilia grooming Epona in the water. "You poor thing," she cooed, braiding the completely uncaring horse's mane. "You're in such a terrible condition. What had Link been putting you through? Well Ilia's here now to make you feel nice and clean! And braid your hair."

Epona, knowing Link's preferred method of entry, looked right at him. She brought down one of her hooves three times quickly, then three times slowly, then three more quick strikes. While he didn't know Morse Code, he knew she wanted help. Something like this would require most of his cunning.

The gate to the spring opened up and Colin entered. "Hello Colin," Ilia kindly greeted.

"...Hi."

"What brings you to these parts? Do you want to brush Epona too? Fantastic!"

"...Meh."

It was his best chance. Link slowly crawled into the open, being careful to stay out of Ilia's line of sight, and crept toward Epona. The horse was quiet, waiting for him to get closer.

Seconds before he got to her the gate exploded inwards, wooden beams flying into the nearby cliff. Two masked monsters rode on top of a single bullbo, a large boar not native to the forest, and using their large clubs they bashed Ilia and Colin over the head. Because of the giant wooden bludgeon crashing into their craniums, they both fell unconscious immediately. Epona took off, leaving Link alone against the two bulblins. "This is a bad situation."

One of the bulblins fired an arrow at him, almost skewering through his head. "THIS IS A TERRIBLE SITUTATION!" Link ducked around them and started sprinting for the exit.

"OUTTA MY WAY, BITCH!"

An enormous bullbo crashed head first into the poor boy, launching him across the area and into a nearby rock.

"RAMMED IN THE ASS, HOO-RAH! Now you see what happens when you try to take on the ultimate duo of Big B and Beastly B!"

With that pest taken care of King Bulblin pulled out his horn, blowing into it. This had the effect of summoning a strange black portal over the spring. His job done, he commanded his steed to turn around. His posse picked up Ilia and Colin, leaving Link simply because two hostages were more than enough. They merrily trotted out of the woods.

Link staggered to his feet, completely disoriented and unable to see anything.

"_That was the most pathetic display of combat incompetence I've seen in years. You, sir, fail at living. Good day._"

If he had been capable of coherent thought at the moment he would have again questioned who said that. He was not, so logically he did not.

He wandered out of the spring, hearing an insane laughter to the north. Normally he would have run south immediately, but the hit to the head had him thinking left was right and shoes were Scottish cheese. Thus he took off north with the belief that it was south. As such, he was greatly confused when he found himself staring at a wall of pure darkness. "That wasn't there earlier..."

A hand shot from the darkness, grabbing him by the face. Before he could protest he was pulled inside.

The Shadow Beast held Link up by the head, ignoring his flailing limbs. It inspected him curiously, taking note of the glowing trio of triangles on the back of his hand. Eventually it decided he was boring and dropped him to the ground, preparing to eat him.

Suddenly, Link became a wolf and passed out. _That_ was interesting to see. It decided to keep him, picking the wolf up by the foot and dragging him across the hard, bumpy ground. His teeth left a long series of lines that would not present a good taste upon awakening.


	3. Bark Bark said the Link

_Hey guys, you should check out my new homepage! Because, um... it's there. Yeah. And it's most definitely not completely pointless._

_And holy crap you guys review fast. Ten in just a few days? This must be a new record. So many questions, so many answers I'm keeping to myself. Ha ha ha._

_Published August 21, 2011 _

**Bark Bark said the Link**

Upon awakening in a cold, dark cell with a strange yellow and black sky clearly visible out the window, Link's eyes were instinctively drawn to the fact that he had paws. "AH! WHY DO I HAVE PAWS? AND A TAIL? WHY AM I FURRY? AHHHHH!"

"_You have no idea how much I was laughing an hour ago. You're just making the day better and better every second._"

"STOP TALKING VOICE!" He took off in a random direction but was pulled off his feet by a shackle tightly bound around his ankle. He growled, snapping his fang filled jaw around the chain. This was determined a bad idea when the wretched taste hit his sensitive tongue, triggering an intense gag reflex.

"_Heeheeheeheeheeheehee._"

"STOP LAUGHING!"

"Do you do anything aside from scream at nothing?"

Link jerked around, noticing another presence in his cell. A small figure floated in the shadows, her body black and white, and a giant stone object sitting on half of her head. "AH! WHO'RE YOU?"

She lay back in midair, crossing her legs. "Me? I'm the person who's going to be helping you get out of here."

His fear began to fade away, though he was still curious of what the hell she was. "O...kay... Please help."

"With pleasure. Now be a good boy and stand still for a second." She put her hands together, gathering a ball of energy between them. It shot out, shattering the chain that held him.

"AH! HOW DID YOU DO THAT?"

"Has anyone ever told you that you scream a lot?"

"There's a good reason for that! Where are we, how did I get here, why am I a quadruped and why does my mouth taste like dirt?"

"_Heeheehee._"

"STOP LAUGHING!"

The imp began floating toward the bars. "You're weird. Here's the deal." She disappeared, reappearing on the other side of the bars. "If you can get over here, maaaaybe I'll tell you."

Link crawled through a rather large hole in the cell bars. They were obviously not in peak condition.

The imp dropped down on his back just as he escaped, riding him like a horse. "Hm, I guess you're not completely brain dead after all!"

"Of course not!" Link snapped, attempting to buck her off. "That would just be redundant."

"Whatever. Listen, I like hearing you scream at everything so I think I'll get you out of here." She began to scratch him behind the ear, and Link was pained to admit to himself that it felt nice. "But in exchange for my help, you have to do _exactly_ as I say."

"As long as you don't tell me to jump off a castle I am completely fine with that."

-On top of Hyrule Castle-

"All right, now jump off the castle."

"WHAT?"

"_Do as she says. It's for your own good._"

"SHUT UP, YOU DON'T EXIST!"

Without warning, an enormous black bird with what looked like a warped trumpet for a head attacked Link. He of course screamed and took off across the parapet, jumping from ledge to ledge with never before seen skill and accuracy. By the time the bird grew bored and let him be, he was already at the destination.

"Wow, you move fast when you're terrified. This will be pretty easy. Now jump through that window, there's someone I want you to meet."

The castle's interior was in much better condition than the ruined rooftops. Despite being very grey and lifeless, it was in one piece.

Link poked his nose through a door, seeing a cloaked figure standing inside. "Mush!"

"I'm not a real dog!"

She began twirling his tail. "I beg to differ."

Link grumbled to himself. He didn't trust any of this, but he had no other options but to listen to the sadistic rider who loved to torment him so. He let out a sigh and entered the room.

The cloaked woman turned to face them upon entry. "Midna!"

The now identified Midna let out a giggle. "You remembered my name? What an honour for me."

"So this is the one for whom you were searching." She looked down at Link. He tried to smile but, well, it didn't work on a wolf.

"He's not exactly what I had in mind, but I guess he'll do."

"I'm right here you know," Link grunted, scowling.

Midna laughed again. "Silly boy, to her you're just barking. I only know what you're saying because I can speak to wolves."

"WHAT? Aw..."

The woman bent down, scratching him behind the ear. "Aw, he's so cute. Look at those big goofy eyes on him."

Midna began to play with his tail again. "He's so fuzzy, right?"

"Yeah, it's great..."

"STOP TOUCHING ME EVERYWHERE!"

"DON'T YOU BARK AT PRINCESS ZELDA YOU DUMB ANIMAL!" Zelda punched him in the ear.

"OW... I'm sorry..."

Midna rolled her eyes. "I said she can't understand you, so stop trying to make conversation."

"Everything in this world hurts me... I need to stop talking..."

"Yes you do. Poor thing, he has no idea what's going on." Midna pat Link's head.

Zelda stood up, cracking her knuckles. "I suppose I should explain what's happened so far, seeing as he's going to be getting involved soon. So listen carefully, okay? Bark once for yes and twice for no."

"...Bark."

"There you go. I'll get you a biscuit later. All right, time to start the story of the amazing Princess Zelda and how Hyrule got messed up nearly beyond repair. Generally, very little happens in Hyrule. People go through their daily life without worry, and I tend to just lounge around in this castle, making sure all is in order. One day, however, we were attacked. A horde of shadowy monsters came from what seemed like nowhere, laying siege to this very castle. Despite our best efforts they quickly overwhelmed out forces and we were forced to retreat to the throne room, the highest and most well fortified location. Sadly, that only served to corner us when they walked right in and took down almost every knight I had left.

"With my army beaten Zant, the king of twilight, simply strolled in. He offered an ultimatum: surrender or die. Naturally, I chose to live since I could do more alive than dead. So he covered the land in twilight and now everyone is in spirit form, unaware of what has befallen them. Then he locked me in a tower. And here we stand."

"You don't seem very phased by this," Midna commented. "I expected more sorrow and angst in your story than I got. I'm disappointed."

Zelda shrugged. "I've had time to cope. The only thing that really gets to me by now is those _black squares that just keep floating into the air!_ What are they doing? Why are they doing it? What's even worse is that they're two dimensional objects! How the hell do they even exist? But I digress. The guard will be making his rounds soon. You should probably leave before he tears out your spine like he did the last visitor. That poor bird."

Link and Midna fled, jumping out a nearby window onto the castle rooftops. Not a moment later the door opened and a shadow beast trudged in. "Hi Princess!" he perkily greeted. "I'm so jealous of you. Your room has the most amazing view and I have to sleep in the basement. Can we trade for a night?"

-With Link-

Link found himself teleported back to the Ordon spring, right where he was pulled into twilight for the first time. Sadly, he was still a wolf. Midna appeared in front of him, now just a pure black shadow. "One more thing, you won't get your hands back for quite a while. Hm, I wonder why that is?" She giggled again.

"You could teleport me this whole time?"

"Maaaaybe."

He sighed, lowering his head in frustration. "Do you know how I get my hands back?"

She tapped her chin in thought. "Maybe. I think a better question is what will you do now? Do you want to go save your friends?"

"Huh?"

"You know, the boy and the girl who were taken just a few hours ago. They got a nasty beating, didn't they?"

He blinked. "Oh yeah, Colin and Ilia. I think they can wait for me to become bipedal again."

Midna grinned, taking a seat on his back again. "Here's the next deal. You get yourself a sword and a shield, and we can start this adventure."

"I have a better deal!" Link piped up. "You make me human again and I enlist the help of many more competent citizens of our village, like Rusl! He's strong, he can be the hero. I'll get you Rusl and you can let me go home, okay?"

"Mmmm... nah. You're more interesting to watch."

"No I'm not! Rusl has a beard, he's so much better!"

"Ha, no."

Upon returning to his house, Link found that two bulblins had taken up residence in the clearing. "Have you ever felt... not so fresh?" one said to the other.

The second bulblin took a step away. "No."

Even though Midna wasn't visible Link could hear her whispering in his ear. "Well? That's your house, isn't it? Aren't you going to protect your territory?"

Link took note of their sharp weapons. "I think I'll just pray for divine intervention."

-In the Golden Land-

Nayru looked up from her 20x20 Rubix Cube. "Hey! Farore! Your kid's praying again! Do something about it why don'tcha?"

"I'm talking with the four giants about next year's Deity Meet Up. Buzz off."

-Back at Link's house-

Before Link could continue arguing a squirrel dove from above, sinking its teeth into the first bulblin's neck and severing its spine. It twitched and dropped to the ground. The second looked over. "Why am I not surprised?" The squirrel launched itself at it, shooting through its torso like a bullet.

"That took care of itself quite well," Link commented, nodding soundly.

The squirrel looked in his direction. "You!" it hissed, barring its fangs. "You may be in a different form, but I know you! You threw your sword through my nest last week!"

"Oh yeah, I d-did do that. N-no hard feelings, right? I can help make a new one..."

"Die!"

"_Heeheehee._"

Fortunately, wolves are faster than squirrels and Link was able to escape into the village unscathed. "MONSTER!" Sadly, he did not receive the greeting he had hoped for. "You've already taken my daughter, what more could you possibly want? I know what you can take. Take this!"

Suddenly, a hawk was clawing at Link's face. "OW! Coming here was a very bad idea!"

After fleeing from another fight with something smaller than him, Link jumped through an open window and stole the shield hanging on a wall. "Great," Midna commented. "It looks like it'll fall apart when I breathe on it, but it will have to do for now."

As they left that house Link noticed Rusl, looking heavily beat up and bandaged, patrolling the village with his hand on the hilt of his sword. Word of Link's intrusion must have spread. "He looks better when he's not bleeding and limping," Link told her.

Link crept up behind his idol. Once he was close he ran forward, snatching his sword and sheath with one bite, and took off into the night. "What? No! That is the sword I will use to get my revenge! Return it at once!"

"Good job." Midna's shadow began to rub his side like a dog. He swatted her away. "Now go back to the forest where you were first turned into this form."

"Then you'll turn me back and you'll take the sword and shield to do this on your own?" Link whimpered, wishing his plight would come true. Midna just laughed and gave him a pat on the head. He grumbled and set off on a walk, travelling down the riverbed that led back to his house. Link noticed that several of the frogs by the river were glaring at him. "Oh come on! Everything else I've deserved, but I haven't done _anything _to the _frogs_!"

"Riiiiibbit. My name is Iago Croakoya. You stepped on my best friend's sister's friend's cousin's favourite lily pad. Prepare to die." Link flicked some dirt in the frog's eyes.

As Link passed by the spring, still moping about how he didn't want to do any of this, a voice called out to him. "Wait..." it said. "Come to my spring..."

"Okay!" Eager to avoid going back into the twilight, Link sprinted into the water.

Just as he arrived a red barrier came up, trapping him in there. A portal opened in the sky and a shadow beast fell out, landing just in front of him. "Beware..." said the voice. "Something evil approaches..."

"Thanks for the update!" Link dodged the shadow beast's first slash, having no desire to have his face clawed off. He circled around it hesitantly, ducking under another attack. He tried to swipe back but this only ended up with the shadow beast kicked his face.

"Use your mouth, not those pathetic claws," Midna ordered. "You've got rows and rows of fangs just waiting to dig in."

"I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" Link shouted, backing against the barrier. "Who knows where it's been?"

The shadow beast ran at him. "Do it or that thing murders you right here. I can go either way, really. Makes no difference to me."

Seeing no other option, Link lunged at its throat. He wrapped his jaw around it, tearing into the beast. It screeched, burning his eardrums, before dropping dead. Link gave the flesh an experimental chew. "Not bad actually..."

Sadly, the beast then disintegrated along with the flesh in his mouth. "Aw..."

The barrier lowered, and the water began to glow lightly. Glyphs shone on the nearby rocks, brilliantly illuminating the whole spring. A ball of light appeared, rising into the air. Around it formed an animal of light similar to the Ordon goats, the light contained between its horns. "O brave youth," it spoke, its voice as soft as a feather. "I am one of four light spirits that protect Hyrule at the behest of the gods. I am Ordona. I have watched over the Ordon province for countless years, keeping away all ill intent."

Link's eyes widened in horror. "So... you, uh, you live in this spring, don't you?"

"Yes."

"And, you see everything here, don't you?"

"Yes. I am aware of all that occurs in my spring. Yes. You are indeed a terrible person, Link, and you should be forever ashamed. But that is not for what I have called you to discuss. That shall be our conversation on another day. The dark beast you have slain was a being of shadow. It had come to seize the power of light I wield. My brethren in Hyrule have already had their light taken, their land engulfed by darkness. The entire kingdom has been reduced to a netherworld of darkness, covered in this twilight. The blight will not stop with Hyrule. Before long, the whole world will fall under the domain of the king who rules twilight. To save this land from the kind of twilight, the lost light must be recovered. The three light spirits who have lost their light must be revived." Ordona looked down at him. "There is but one who can revive them and redeem this land..."

"Don't say me, please don't..."

"You."

"I said not to say me! There are so many people more competent out there. Get that big green guy from the other day. He looked strong!"

Ordona tilted its head. Link got the impression that if he could discern a pair of lips he would see a smile on its face. "You still have not discovered your true power... Those transformed by twilight usually cannot recover their true forms..."

"WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?"

The spirit looked into the air. "Unless... If you were to return to Faron Woods where you were first transformed... If you were to revive to light spirit..."

Link's eyes narrowed. "Waaait a minute... I know where this is going. You're using my desire to be human again to _make_ me go on this journey to save the other spirits, aren't you?" Ordona glowed brightly before beginning to fade, the surroundings becoming normal again. "Don't you disappear on me! Answer the question!"

But it was gone.

"Son of a bitch. I should piss in this spring right now."

The water began to glow again.

"Nevermindbye!"


	4. First in Line

_So, I made a few changes to the original Group of Weirdos. Basically, I fixed up chapters one to ten without changing anything and, well, that is done. Gohma in particular is much more in character in her original appearance now and there is no longer a typo in paragraph two of the whole story. That's all I plan to do with that, so it's all new stuff from here. Not getting stuck fixing up the past._

_But since you're here for this story, I'll get right to it. _

_Published August 25, 2011 _

**First in Line**

The king of twilight pushed open the ornate door of Hyrule Castle, approaching the figure occupying its dining room. "I have just sent a small amount of lowlifes to be rid of the last light spirit. It will be gone within the hour."

"Excellent, very excellent," was the difficult to decipher answer he received. It sounded as though he had a lot of something in his mouth. "You should try some of this Hylian fruit pie, come over here."

"With all due respect I'd... rather not."

"Oh please, you know you want to." He swallowed. "I have experience with these types of things, and if there's one thing I've learned it's that you need to indulge. Enjoy yourself or this hostile takeover is going to stress all of your hair- er, skin grey. Don't be 'all work and no play' Zant, or it's going to all burst out in an explosion of absolute insanity at the least opportune moment."

"I'd still rather not."

He shrugged, turning his back on the other king. "Don't say I didn't warn you. Hey, where the hell did my fork go?"

-Faron Woods-

"Midna, have I ever told you how much I hate menial tasks?"

Midna plucked a hair from Link's back, running it between her teeth. "You've had a few rants during the hours we've known each other."

"Allow me to restate: I HATE THIS!" He killed another bug, snatching the light that came from it and shoving it into the container the light spirit had given him. Faron was a being who got straight to the point: light stolen, find beetles, kill beetles, put light in container. All this meant to Link was: run around the forest looking for small, hard to hit insects. He was pretty much correct in his summation. "When the forces of evil chose what form they want their monsters to become, they must have read my mind and looked for everything that annoys me."

"Oh don't be so conceited. The whole world doesn't revolve around you. It revolves around _me_."

"Har har. Oh look, a monkey."

Talo's life partner stood atop a tree stump, in spirit form like everything else that was not of twilight, being tormented by the last two beetles. "Help!" it cried, speaking the universal animal language. Link dashed over and snapped one of them in half, stepping on the other. To the monkey, they just died. "Huh? That was weird."

Midna started to clap at his efforts. "Well done. You're getting used to being the big bad wolf _and_ started on your way to being friend of all living things."

"Bite me." She bit him. "OW! YOU... YOU BIT ME!"

"You said to," the twili laughed, floating away.

"I'm missing flesh! You didn't bite, you tore!"

"Don't be such a drama queen."

Due to their antics, Link and Midna missed the plot relevant monologue the monkey had engaged in. It was probably not important anyway. Link grabbed the last orb of light, placing it inside the vessel. The reaction was instant.

Twilight began to fade away, the black squares ceasing to rise and the sky returning to its regular colour. Plants lost the sickly tint that had taken over them; wildlife became normal, no longer taking on the warped forms twilight gifted them. Link found himself transported to Faron's spring, and to his joy he was on two legs again.

"I'm free!" As soon as Link started to do a little jig, he noticed the immediate problem. He ran a finger along the edge of his clothes, questions filling his mind. He vocalized the most prominent. "Why am I wearing a goddamn skirt?"

The pool glowed, an orb of light rising from the water. Just like last time, a spirit of light wrapped around the orb, a sort of possum bearing a human face. "Allow me to more formally introduce myself. My name is Faron," it said.

"Why am I wearing a goddamn skirt?"

The spirit smiled. "Do not you wish to know why you became a beast instead of a spirit like all others forced into twilight?"

"I want to know why I am wearing a goddamn skirt!"

"That is too bad. You see-"

"No! Tell-"

"Interrupt me again and I shall make sure that your skirt fits perfectly, understand?"

Link looked up at Faron, confused for a moment. Then it sunk in. "Understood..."

"Good. You see, you have the powers of the chosen one within you. Your form was a sign that those powers were awakening. Yes Link, you are sadly our hero. I know what you are thinking. You think 'I cannot be the hero, I am such a pathetic little wimp who stands no chance against an inchworm, less so the king of twilight. Why makes this oh so magnificent spirit of light and greatness think the lowly life form I am is worthy of any attention? I mean, really, I am a farmhand who can barely pet a goat without breaking my legs. There is no possible way-'"

"OH COME ON!" Link finally broke, glaring at the amused spirit. "Can you get on with it?"

Faron waved his tail through the air. "You now no longer have a penis."

"WHAT?" Link immediately checked. He sighed in relief, scowling deeply at the trick. "I know you love tormenting me, believe me, everyone does, but can we please move on to something more important? Please?"

"I accept your proposal. The tunic that you now wear belonged to the ancient hero chosen by the gods. His power is yours. All the power he had is in your hands."

"What."

"_You might want to wash those as soon as you can. Just trust the voice on this_."

"You and me are having words after this, whoever you are."

"What was that?"

Link waved his arms defensively. "Nothing! I'm just talking to a voice in my head, please continue!"

The spirit shrugged. "That is all I had to say. There was a bit more about how you are chosen by the goddesses and must go to the temple deep within these woods to purge the evil presence, but I believe I have just summed that up about as well as I could. Go there, obtain the power and try not to die. It is difficult to come by chosen ones. Not impossible mind you, in fact there are up to five in reserve at a time, but you are our first resort and getting them to go through this whole tutorial stage too will be a bit of a pain now that you've fixed everything. Try not to disappoint." Faron burst into light, fading away.

"WHAT? Chosen by the gods? Get back here! I don't want to be the chosen one, I want an easy life of herding cows!" He punched at the water, soon pulling out his new sword and slashing. "Get back here! Go for number two, number one is retiring! Come on! Please?"

Midna emerged from his shadow, watching as Link viciously attacked the spring. "So you're the chosen one, huh? That explains a lot. I bet you'd rather run around as a spirit for all of eternity, completely unaware, right?"

"YES!"

"_Heeheehee_."

"You! You are me are going to have some words now. Who are you?"

There was no answer.

"Oh no, you are not pulling the 'maybe I'm just hearing things or going insane' treatment on me! I want to know who you are and why only I seem to hear you. Answer me!"

He was answered by silence.

"I can keep this up as long as you can. So we're just going to have to wait until you budge."

Midna exited his shadow again. "I'm going to go on ahead if you're going to stand here yelling at the trees all day. Meet me at the forest temple, okay?"

"Yeah yeah. Now show yourself!"

"Okay!"

From the brush came two figures, a tall green warrior and a fish that was digging his teeth into the man's bleeding wrist. "I am Odolwa, the Masked Jungle Warrior." Odolwa struck a heroic pose. He held up the fish. "This is my pet fish Gyorg. He is currently attempting to make sure I can never use a sword and shield together again."

"Die," Gyorg hissed, enjoying the taste of his blood.

Link slowly nodded, keeping his eyes locked on the two. "Um, I wasn't actually talking to you, but hi again..."

"You remind me of someone I knew a long time ago," Odolwa said, stroking his chin with his free hand. "I think it's the green hat and skirt. Tell me, are you as intelligent as a Deku Baba?"

"No..."

"I'll have to take your word for it until I see you jump off a cliff head first. Try to avoid doing that by the way. It's not good for you."

"Thanks...?"

"You're welcome. By the way Gyorg that's the hand I use to-"

"DON'T WANNA KNOW." Gyorg let go, falling to the ground. "Now bring me back to him!"

"Later." He faced Link again. "So, good sir, I shall leave you for the moment. Have fun talking to your imaginary friend!" Odolwa walked off.

"Watch your back," Gyorg hissed. "Or I'll be eating it."

"What? Why?"

The fish shrugged, flopping into the bushes.

"Everyone I've met since this adventure started has been really weird."

A golden cucco strolled past his feet. "Silly boy, if everyone else is weird that just means _you_ are the weird one. Oh ho ho. Silly, silly boy."

-Several minutes of travel later-

Link pushed through the brush, making his way to the tall tree he had been at just before returning to human form. If anything was to be the forest temple, it would be the most distinguishable and sizable tree where several plot significant events had occurred.

What he did not expect was to see a golden wolf sitting on the only path to the tree, enthusiastically licking itself.

He stared at the wolf. It stopped licking itself to stare at him. He continued to stare. It began to run toward him. He ran away screaming. It easily caught up. He pulled out his sword and shield. It jumped on him.

Link found himself in a white void. "Oh COME ON! I died already? It didn't even bite me yet!"

"Silly person wearing the most snappy clothing ever, you're not dead."

Behind him stood a tall skeleton dressed in broken gold armour. It had in its hands a simple sword and shield, no more fancy than his own. The presence of the dead man did not encourage Link.

"Who are you?" he hesitantly asked.

"My name's not important. You can call me the Hero's Shade however, just because. I'm not really sure why, honestly. The point is that I've been sent down to make you into a competent hero, and that's what I plan to do."

"So... You're a dead guy."

"Yup!"

"Here to teach me how to fight."

"Yup!"

"Even though you're dead."

"Yup!"

"Which means you failed somewhere down the line."

"Not exactly. All I remember about my death was something really big and really ugly doing something really bad. The last little bit before you die is always a bit hazy, what with your brain shutting down on you and all that. Now how would you like to know some better ways to kill things?"

"...Yes I would."

"I thought so. Our first lesson is the Ending Blow as I like to call it. I will demonstrate, so lie down."

Link hesitantly glanced at the very sharp sword in the Shade's hand. "Are you going to stab me with that?"

"Yup! Don't worry, it's just a demonstration."

"But it still involves me _getting stabbed_."

The Shade chuckled, his ribcage rattling. "Silly snappy-dresser, this place isn't even real. It's a manifestation of our souls or something like that. Stabbing you won't hurt in the slightest."

He was still hesitant, but there was no reason to doubt the Shade. It probably knew what it was doing. "All right..."

-In the real world-

Midna may have continued on without him, but Link was kind of necessary for her to accomplish anything in the real world. As such, when he did not follow she became greatly annoyed and was forced to backtrack. "Tall white and grassy, where are you?" she called, wandering aimlessly. "This is ridiculous. It's his first day and he's... lying on the ground unconscious. Huh."

Suddenly, Link awoke screaming in agony, rolling around clutching his chest. "BASTARD!" he roared, punching the dirt.

"Good, you're alive. Get moving, we have an abomination to clear out. Chop-chop."


	5. A Damn Big Tree

_Sometimes I wonder if I kill things too much... Nah._

_Published August 31, 2011 _

**A Damn Big Tree**

"Yuck, there must be spiders all over this place," Midna hissed, running her shadowy fingers through the web blocking their way. "Burn it down."

Link looked at the web, and then the giant, wooden tree it was attached to. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Hm... I think I see your point. Well, you have a big knife. Get to it." So he hacked down the spider web and entered the forest temple. It was dark and damp, two of Link's least favourite characteristics. He disliked it already. "Look, it's that monkey. Man, these guys must really love cooking monkeys."

"HEY!" Two Bokoblins ran at Link, axes drawn. "You again! Do you think you can just walk in here after running away from us twice now?"

Link scratched his head with the hilt of his sword. "Again? Are you those two Bokoblins who don't seem to get killed?"

"That's us!" Hykl proclaimed, slapping his chest.

"What's the term... 'running gags'?"

"Yup!" Wwvr confirmed.

Link nodded, looking off to the side. "Right. Hey look, that butterfly insulted your mother."

"WHAT?"

"I WILL MAKE IT DIE!"

The Bokoblins ran into the darkness. As it turned out, the butterfly was a large mothula that tried to make them its next meal. Whether it succeeded or not will be learned in time.

Link snapped open the monkey's cage, watching it cheer before running to a nearby door, gesturing for him to follow. "This better not turn into a gimmick dungeon," he sighed, reluctantly following.

It was quite literally immediately after this that Link faced his most difficult foe yet: a stone door. "Lift with your legs!" Midna commanded.

He struggled to make the eight foot round stone swerve to the side, his legs shaking under the exertion. "NOT... HELPING..."

Midna groaned, watching him stop for a breather. "Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. He sleeps on the ground and can't open doors."

"I WAS NOT SLEEPING! I was in a spiritual realm where a gold skeleton was teaching me sword techniques by stabbing me. Wow, that sounded much more convincing and much less idiotic in my head."

"I bet it did. Now open the door already."

"Right." Link cracked his knuckles and went back to pushing at the slab. "ROOOOOLL!" he cried frantically.

His foot slipped, sending him crashing to the floor. "RAAAAAH! NO MORE! THIS DOOR DIES NOW!" He took out a bottle of lantern oil and his lantern, setting the oil on fire then quickly corking it tightly. This makeshift bomb was shoved against the door's base. He dove behind a nearby rock, covering his ears as the bottle exploded and took out half of the door.

He looked up, smiling at his handiwork. "YES!"

Part of the wall fell into the gap, blocking it. "NO!"

Midna floated over to him, resting her elbows on his head. "You skipped fishing rod and slingshot, and went straight to the high powered explosives. Feel accomplished?"

"I... but... I don't... What... do now?"

"Ah ha ha ha! Now that was some pyrotechnicality right there!" They looked toward the entrance, seeing two familiar figures. "Stand aside," Odolwa commanded, pushing Link to the ground even though he was not in his way. "Let a _real_ man do this."

The jungle warrior shoved his blade under the door, put a rock under it and tried to lever it up. The blade quickly snapped, a large shard shooting into the air, wedging itself through his mask and out the back of his head. "That was not part of the plan. Fuck it." He kicked it down. Link stared at him in shock. "What?"

"Uh, you do know that... um... there's something in your face, right?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, I'll handle that later. There is nothing we can do about the past except change it into a happy future. Never look back, go forward in the direction you want to be."

"But it's in your face... How are you alive?"

Gyorg flopped past Link. "He gets more philosophical as the brain damage builds up. It's like an anti-retardation effect."

Odolwa kicked down the next door as well. "It's the simple things in life that amuse me the most."

Link continued to stare. "Simple...?"

"Simple, destructive; same thing really. By the way, who's the black floating thing?"

Link looked over at Midna. "You can see her? I thought-"

"You're not special," Midna interrupted. "If I'm not hiding in a shadow, anyone can see me. No hidden powers for you today, Link."

Odolwa stroked his chin, looking down at the teen. "Link you say? I knew a Link once. Wore the same clothes as you too. I remember the time he blew my leg up, ha ha. Good times." Link's gaze shifted to his perfectly fine legs.

"Wait, you were with the original hero of the goddesses?" Midna looked him over. "Just how old are you?"

He laughed in response. "Silly semi-transparent thingamabob, there is no age, there is only cameo guest starring."

"Huh? You kinda mumbled that last part."

"I know."

The monkey let out a cry, gesturing for them to proceed through the now horizontal door. "Shut the fuck up and get moving," Gyorg snapped. "I want that baboon's head in my mouth within the next ten goddamn minutes or your ass is _mine_."

Through the door was a natural balcony, empty air lying beyond. Fortunately, a conveniently built rope bridge went through the empty air and into another tree. "Let's go quickly," Link said. "This doesn't look to sturdy with all this wind."

"Oh it's just wind," Midna calmly argued, waving off his worry. "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"Monkey," Odolwa responded, pointing at their monkey guide. The simian was running across the bridge, signalling for them to come. It screamed and turned tail when a baboon appeared on the other side, holding up an impressive looking boomerang.

"IT MUST DIE!" Gyorg roared.

The baboon threw the boomerang, cutting most of the strings holding the bridge up just as their monkey made it back to solid ground. A strong gust blew it to pieces.

"_That_ is the worst that can happen."

"Could've been fire."

"Oh shut up."

-After taking another route-

Link poked a shaking pot with his sword, watching it vibrate harder. "Something's in there and I don't want to find out."

"Nonsense!" Odolwa shouted, laughing wildly. "Of course you do." Before he could protest, the jungle warrior grabbed Link and used him as a bludgeoning weapon to smash the pot.

A chicken popped out. No, not a chicken actually. It was a chicken with a human head. "Phew! Out at last!" the chicken sighed, shaking its feathers. "Gracious me. Once I got in there, I couldn't squeeze back out."

"I've seen my fair share of strange races," Midna began, "like you people. You all look like monstrous freaks to me. But that... what are you supposed to be?"

"I am Ooccoo," the chicken person said. "With me, you can leave the dungeon at any time and even though you'll probably never use me I'm everywhere! EVERYWHERE."

Gyorg grabbed her in his jaw, tearing her apart and swallowing the remains. "Nope."

The next several minutes were spent running across the temple, freeing every monkey they encountered. "I wonder why they're locking them in cages and then placing them in random dark corners," Midna said at one point. "Then again, the Bokoblins we've run into so far haven't been the epitome of intelligence."

A mothula smashed through a nearby wall, Hykl mounted on its back. The two rolled around in midair, locked in an intense grapple until they broke through another wall and disappeared from sight.

"That was timed conveniently."

So they moved on.

Several rooms later, they entered an enormous chamber with a nice, shiny key sitting in the middle. A monkey was locked on the other side, shaking the bars loudly. "This is easy," Link said, glaring at the silver. "Too easy."

Odolwa marched forward. "Which makes it all the more easily taken advantage of."

"Are you sure you should be going out there?"

He laughed, stopping beside the key and looking back at the others. "Not everything's a trap you know. Just because there's a key in the middle of the room right in front of something we need it to unlock, in a big empty room and it's right behind me, isn't it?"

They nodded.

"Ah. This is a bit of a problem in the works. I wonder-"

The giant Deku Baba grabbed his face in its bulbous head, smashing him off the floor repeatedly. In response he swung his broken sword, putting a nice slash in its stem. The Deku Baba let go, prompting Odolwa to all but claim victory. It then lifted itself high and smashed him into the ground.

"Hit him where it hurts!" Gyorg shouted from the sidelines. The Baba grabbed Odolwa by the ankles and smashed him into the ceiling. "Good enough. Keep up the good work!"

It was then that Link took note of several things. First, the Deku Baba's base had a large, fanged mouth. Second, several bomblings, little bugs that turn into bombs when smacked, were scattered around the room. Put two and two together.

With the Baba distracted with tenderising Odolwa, he was able to poke a bombling, grab it, sneak around back and slip it into the mouth. The Deku Baba stopped eating his arm, noticing something tasted a bit off, before violently exploding.

Odolwa landed on the ground in a mangled heap. "G-good job!" he slurred weakly. "I'm... I'm gonna just lie down for a little bit." Gyorg smacked a bombling at him.

-A few rooms later-

"For a tree, I'm pretty surprised that this is a horizontal system of caves instead of a vertical one," Midna commented. "Must be a wide tree, hm?"

"It's damp but there's no fucking water!" Gyorg snapped, glaring at the tree. "This tree needs to be drowned."

"I would love to see you go to the fire temple," Midna offhandedly commented.

The monkeys led the assembly back to the formerly bridged chasm. Using the single rope that remained from the baboon's cutting spree they spaced themselves across it and hanged upside-down, gesturing for Link to come forward. "I think they want to throw you from one to the other," Odolwa explained.

"Uh... I don't like this plan."

"Then I shall rectify it." The jungle warrior hoisted Link above his head and hurled the Hylian across the pit. "Success!" he shouted as Link crashed face first into the opposite tree.

Link fell to the ground, lying still.

"He's fine. Next up!"

"Wait what? LET GO OR I'LL TEAR YOUR GODDAMN HEAD OFF!"

"Can't hear you, throwing!" He threw Gyorg in a similar arc, smashing him into the same spot. "Have fun coming back!"

"Bastard..." Link slowly climbed to a sitting position, letting his vision become regular again before proceeding with Gyorg and Midna at his sides.

Their foe was waiting for them. "Ook, you batshit baboon!" Gyorg snapped, snarling up at him. "Ready to have your face shoved up your own asshole?"

Ook stood on one of the many pillars in the room, boomerang in hand. He laughed, slapping his nicely tanned butt at them a few times, and then throwing the boomerang. It sliced the stems of several Deku Babas from the roof, the buds falling to the ground and going for the first target in their line of sight: Link. He predictably screamed and tried to stab at them. The Deku Babas hissed, lunging at his head. He ducked and ran around the room.

Meanwhile, Gyorg faced off with Ook. "Ready to do this, bitch?"

"AH ooo ooo AH ooo AH!"

"Er... DIE!"

Ook threw his boomerang, hitting Gyorg easily. The fish bit in to the wood, flying back to the baboon along with it. He let go and sunk his fangs into Ook's arm. "Ooo ooo AH!" It started to hit him with the blunt weapon.

Back on the floor of the battlefield, Link had decided to kill the Deku Babas with the Ending Blow. He jumped into the air, stabbing the first through its head. He tried to do the same to the second one, but sadly Deku Babas _do_ have mental capacity. It dodged the attack and coiled around his arms, head-butting his face repeatedly.

Above, Gyorg and Ook were still locked in their deadly dance. Gyorg had moved to a more ideal position where he could jab him in the neck with his horn. Ook started shrieking, throwing Gyorg onto the pillar and jumping on him. "OW! FUCKER! OW! OW! I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN! I'LL FEED YOU YOUR EYES! I'LL MAKE YOUR FLOOR MESSY! MESSY WITH YOUR ORGANS!"

Gyorg twisted midway through Ook's next jump, stabbing him in the foot. The baboon yelped and lost his balance, falling to the floor far below. "Stab him in the throat!" the fish shouted.

"I'm a bit busy!" Link, meanwhile, had the Deku Baba wrapped around his whole body, trying to eat him like a python. "I think I'll be okay. I can't fit in its mouth- AH! IT'S DISSOLVING MY FEET! HELP ME!"

"Goddamn useless... You're on your own, asshole. I'm resolving my vaguely defined hatred! BANZAI!" Gyorg flopped into the air, diving down horn first at the simian's head.

After realizing that the plant was, well, a plant, Link kicked right through the Baba's head and freed himself. He held his sword high, letting out a cry of battle as he lunged at Ook's downed form... only to see Gyorg wiping the blood off of his horn, sliding away from his clean kill. "Oh..."

"All done. Let's go."

Midna split off from Link's shadow. "Not quite yet. I like the looks of that boomerang. Link, go grab it."

Link approached the corpse, carefully sliding the weapon from its hand. The moment it was free it sprung upwards, a funnel of wind erupting beneath it. "Greetings. I am the fairy of winds who lives inside-"

"AH!" Link bashed it down with his shield.

"AGH! You wanna play it like that, do you? Fine!" The boomerang blasted at Link, smashing full force into his face. Before he could fall it curved around and hit the back of his skull. It repeated this, somehow keeping him standing the whole time. Finally, it let him fall. "I'm the fairy of winds, bitch. Don't mess with me."

"_I'm starting up a count of the things that have kicked your ass. Let's see... there's a Deku Baba, an ordinary goat, a bird with a trumpet for a head, the prissy princess, a squirrel, a young hawk, that afro bird probably could have as well, that Twili girl bit you pretty hard, the light spirits-_"

"I get it," Link interrupted, spitting out a glob of blood.

"_That's nice. There was the time you attacked water and failed, got stabbed by a dead idiot hero, that really big and strong spider that nearly killed everything which you fought offscreen, Gyorg, _another_ Deku Baba, and now a fairy possessed piece of wood joins the hall of fame. Nice track record. You're maybe ten percent into this adventure too._"

"Shut up, voice!"

"The hell are you talking to?" Gyorg irately asked.

"The voice he always hears in his head," Midna answered, laughing to herself. "It's pretty funny sometimes, kinda sad the rest."

Link snatched the satisfied boomerang from the ground, glaring at them. "I'm not crazy! It only started up recently and I don't know what to do to make it stop!"

"Oh no, you're completely sane, I understand that," Gyorg told him. "It's just that you can hear voices no one else can and routinely shout at blank air. Not crazy in the slightest."

"Shut up, fish boy."

The door to the room slid open, Odolwa poking his head through. "You got the Gale Boomerang! It-"

"When did you get over here?"

"Hm? Oh, I jumped the gap a few minutes ago."

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU COME HELP?"

He shrugged.


	6. Plant vs Metal

_For those few who care about my petty personal life, you can skip the following explanation of events. So I'm at my grandparent's house for college, and I brought Twilight Princess so I could play and write here. Sadly, due to complications such as the providers saying on the day before, "Yeah, we can't do your place anymore. Oopsie," I was unable to get an Internet connection here. As such, I didn't get in the mood to write this story. When I went home for the weekend where we _do_ have Internet, I did not have the game with me. So this was held off. Bah._

_But that's all worked out as you can likely tell, finally, so here's the next chapter. Read it and weep! Wait, don't weep, that's bad. Er... Read it and tell me what you thought. I'll give you an imaginary tropical island for every legitimate mistake you point out._

_Published September 19, 2011_

**Plant vs. Metal**

"We face another gap," Odolwa stated, gazing out at the massive chasm before them. On the other side was an enormous door bearing a golden lock, obviously their destination. As Phantom Ganon would analyze, getting there seemed to require that they free all of the monkeys and use them as a makeshift swing.

The jungle warrior had other plans.

"Please don't do that agAHHHHHHHH!" Link's flight was halted by the stone door.

"Success!" Odolwa pumped his fist into the air, watching Link stagger to his feet across the gap. "I'm going to free the other monkeys. You go clear out that room and I'll meet you when you're done. Gyorg, you sit here and don't kill anything else."

"Don't tell me how to live my own life. I'll kill who I want whenever I damn well please."

Link unbolted the shiny lock, letting it fall to the floor. The door bizarrely opened on its own, allowing him access. Shrugging, he proceeded.

Inside was a large chamber, half full of a poisonous-looking pond. Moss clung to all the walls, a plethora of vines hanging from the ceiling. The door slid shut.

"A dead end," the not-hero stated, placing his hands on his hips. "Might as well see what we can find."

"_I sense something_."

"Hm?"

"_Something tells me... You gonna die._"

"What?"

A tremor struck the room, the pond bubbling rapidly. From the depths came two bulbous heads, each easily dwarfing the farm boy, rising on their stalks halfway up to the high ceiling.

**Diababa  
><strong>_Twilit Parasite  
><em>Likes: Gardening  
>Dislikes: Postal Services<br>Greatest Accomplishment: Killed three birds with one stone

Link just stared, face snow white as the bulbs let out a battle cry. "Oh COME ON."

"_I have to admit, my next victim won't be nearly as fun as you were,_" the voice said, sounding more giddy than sad.

"NOW IS NOT THE TIME!"

Midna emerged from his shadow. "Stop talking to your imaginary friend and kill it, will you?"

The water bubbled violently, another being shouting, "I am not an IT!"

"Fine, kill _him_," Midna added, rolling her eyes.

The room began to shake again, an explosion of water revealing an even larger plant. It did not share the same shape as the others, instead having flower-like head that opened to reveal the displeased eye within. "I am not a HE!" Diababa snapped.

"You cannot be SERIOUS!" Link cried, his voice cracking. "I'm done! Fuck this, I'm outta here! The world can die a slow, painful death for all I care! I'm done. Done. No more. Done. Yup. I'm leaving." The not-hero turned on his heel and calmly approached the door, pressing his hands against it. "OPEN! DAMN YOU, OPEEEEEN!"

One of the bulbs picked Link up by the skull (an incredibly painful act for the record; their mouths are full of rather sharp teeth) and placed him in front of Diababa's amused eye.

Midna let out a sigh. "Link, kill _her_."

"I am not a HER!" Link let out a pitiful squeak. "Okay, that's a horrible lie, I am. Ha ha..."

The giant plant looked him over, eye darting rapidly. "Mmm... You look like a man on an adventure, and I like the sound of that. I'll tell you what... We're going to have a fight, and if you win you'll get this nice Fused Shadow I got a hold of somehow. If _I_ win, you'll admit the glory of nature and how awesome plants are. Also, I get to eat one of your arms, maybe both. Sounds fair, right?"

Link opened his mouth with the intent to tell her to eat shit and die but his partner spoke first. "Deal."

"WHAT?"

"Excellent!" Diababa leaned down and, using her giant mouthless flower face mind you, planted a huge, wet, sloppy kiss on most of Link's upper body. "The deal is sealed!"

Link, now more disgusted than scared by now, struggled to escape the viscous molasses covering his upper body. "What the hell was that?"

"I sealed the deal," Diababa innocently answered. Her eye became thoughtful. "Oh, right, you humans have this weird connotation with kissing. Man, you guys are screwed up, perverted weirdos."

"What...? But... We've had that connotation for thousands of years!"

"In _your_ society maybe. Did you ever think about the _plants_ though? Maybe they just wanted a kiss to show that you appreciate them for helping you breathe, hm? So inconsiderate..."

"I-?"

"Less talking, more winning me that Fused Shadow," Midna harshly interrupted, tapping her wrist impatiently.

Link drew his sword. "Speaking of that, what's a Fused Shadow supposed to be?"

"You'll learn if you don't get dismembered."

Diababa's hand-mouth snapped forward, forcing Link into a dodge. He stood at the back of the room, avoiding the massive maws while giving them a slash or two for every miss. Despite this, he did not appear to be dealing any lasting damage to the plant monster. "I need backup!"

Far away, Ook lay dead on the floor.

Diababa smashed both bulbs at Link's sides, trapping him sufficiently enough to lay waste to the area with a blast of black sludge. "Come on, have some fighting spirit! You won't win with that attitude. Think like we have a past, maybe. I dunno, let's say I... killed your father. And fucked your mother. And killed your mother. And fucked your father. In that order. Heroes don't have living parents, right? Yeah, _I_ did that."

"I'm not a hero!" the not-hero indignantly shouted.

Diababa waved an arm, bashing him onto his rear. "Sure you are. You've got the strange uniform, you're adventuring through dangerous temples and you're fighting for ancient world conquering artefacts. What part of that isn't all hero-like?"

The farm boy turned wolf turned skirt wearing farm boy staggered to his feet, glaring up at her. "The part where I just want to go home, that part!"

"Then why are you here?"

He jerked a thumb in his shadowy partner's direction. "She browbeat me into it!"

"_By the way, there are bomblings down there that look might susceptible to the gale boomerang, if your incompetent brain gets what I mean._"

Link's gaze filtered the room, quickly spotting a few bomblings resting on a floating log next to Diababa. "Since when have you decided to be helpful?" After receiving no answer, he whipped out his boomerang and threw it at the bombling. A tornado shot out from the bottom, sucking up the creature as it passed. To Link's horror, it returned with the walking explosive in tow.

"_To respond to your previous question, I decided the fight got boring and that one of you blowing up will provide fantastic amusement. Enjoy._"

Upon having the bomb land in his hands Link immediately tossed it to the side. The bombling landed next to one of Diababa's arms, exploding violently. The bulb was blown across the room, smashing into the hard wall. Diababa swore and pulled it into the water, leaving her with just one working arm.

"That was resourceful, I have to admit. Buuut, because that hurt..." She tipped the log, drowning the rest of the bomblings.

Unbeknownst to Diababa, bomblings are _not_ water soluble and experience a harsh reaction when exposed to such a substance. They all exploded. The water, being full of toxins and pollutants that likely came from said bomblings, had a similar result when exposed, the explosion carrying across the water and even magnifying in intensity. It did not stop there, the large body of water exploding several more times thanks to the sheer amount of combustible substance lurking underneath. Diababa's reaction was as follows: "HEKABERDERPADIETABLEEeeh..." She then face-planted next to Link, sizzling loudly.

"_Heeheehee._"

Once he confirmed that she was not moving, Link hesitantly stepped closer. "Uh, you okay?"

A single flap slowly rose away from her head, revealing the despondent eye. "I... hurt... everywhere..."

Midna flew to them, barely trying to hide her grin. "You don't have anyone to blame but yourself."

"I... blame you."

"Hm? Why?"

"Because... you're not green."

The imp sighed, shaking her head. "Link, will you kill her already? Let's get that Fused Shadow."

A vine threw something from Diababa's base. The object arced through the air; Midna reflexively tried to grab it though the black mass just fell through her. "Oops. Anyway, there's your Fusion Shade whatsit."

Midna motioned for Link to grab the relic. He cautiously picked it up, breathing a sigh of relief when it didn't explode in his hand. After a second a crash sounded from the door, shaking the room. It only took one more kick for Odolwa to smash down the stone, hopping in on his other foot. "You got a Fused Shadow!" he declared. "Gather them all and you might be able to match the power of the king of twilight himself! By the way, we should go. I freed all the monkeys and they learned Gyorg stabbed their leader through the face. Now they're organizing a lynch mob. So, uh, bye!"

Odolwa took off, bounding across the chasm in one leap. Gyorg flopped out from behind a log, jumping up and down. "Leave me and I fucking swear I'll track you down and stab my horn so deep into your nuts-"

"Less talk, more me running!" The jungle warrior grabbed him by the tail and ran. As he passed a generic door a horde of monkeys emerged, screeching and flinging their feces at his running form. "Crap! Those simians have a wicked fastball!"

"I NOTICED."

Back in the boss chamber, the trio of newbies watched their companions flee until out of sight. "They'll be fine," Diababa grumbled, slowly raising herself upright. "He's green, meaning he's the colour of nature, and nothing bad can happen to nature."

Link could hear the monkeys returning. "As great as this conversation is, I think we should go."

-Outside-

"And we've gone."

Link walked out of the temple, Midna hidden within his shadow. Diababa's head popped out from behind a nearby tree, lowering to his side. "Hi."

"...Hi?"

The boy and the plant stared at each other. Link began to inch away. Diababa retreated into the tree and rose out of the grassy ground, effectively scaring Link. "So where are you going now?"

"...Places."

"Sounds cool. What kind of places?"

"...Home."

"No, you aren't." Midna shot out of his shadow, mocking the act of bumping him over the head. "We're going to get the other two Fused Shadows. I may tell you what they are when we get them all, or I may just show you."

"But I want to go home..."

"C'mon. You look good in a skirt!"

"You've clearly refined your persuasive abilities."

Link and Midna's banter eventually petered out. The two decided to visit the light spirit one last time before leaving to Hyrule because why not. That's usually how these things work, isn't it? Yes it is.

Link was starting to reluctantly accept that he _had_ to do this. He was different, the twilight was not affecting him as it had everyone else. He was the only one they knew who stood a chance of fighting back. Unless they found someone else who could battle in the darkness, he was their sole hope. "I hate myself."

"She's still there," a voice said from his shadow.

Link glanced over his shoulder. Diababa's stalk poked out of a bush, the yellow eye staring into his soul. "Hi," perkily greeted the plant.

"...Hi."

-Faron's Spring-

The light spirit revealed itself again, lazily hanging from its orb. "Welcome back, heroic- No, wait, you're the anti-hero, aren't you? I sense that you have been successful in your purging of the evil from these woods."

Link pulled out the Fused Shadow. "Does it count if we're holding onto it?"

Faron shrugged. "I never said you had to remove it conventionally. Take it as you go."

From a tree behind Faron, Diababa snaked out and raised herself behind the light spirit. "So where to next?"

The greater being jumped in shock, losing grip on the light orb and falling into the spring in an undignified heap. The orb shimmered and fell, bouncing off the possum's face on the way down.

"Whoops, sorry about that."

Faron did not move. "Go east," it calmly said, too calmly. "Talk to Eldin. My fellow spirits are still in need of their light. Doomed land, twilight all over, be the beast, et cetera. Go get it for them, immediately."

"Okay," Link squeaked, fearful of its wrath.

"I did not tell you to say anything. Go."_  
><em>


	7. Special Delivery

_Well that was more time between than I'm comfortable with. Busy busy busy I say. Thanks for being patient if you were. Thanks for... er... coming back if you weren't._

_Remember: pointing out mistakes gets you free imaginary stuff! This chapter's prize is an imaginary Bowing 747 that can also be set on fire and dropped on your imaginary enemies. Kill those bastards today! _

_Published October 12, 2011 _

**Special Delivery**

"Come in."

The double-doors were pulled open by Zant's Twili escorts, the king of twilight himself entering the magnificent throne room. "Ah, Zant, it's good to see you. Enjoying the world of light?"

Zant took a seat at the opposite end of the man's table, guards at his sides. "I would hardly call it a world of light now that twilight has come."

"...Yes, that was the joke." He held out a plate. "Cake?"

"No thank you."

The cake was pulled back, the redhead putting it within his own eating range. "Suit yourself. One of these days I'll get some of this delicious cake into you and you'll like it. But I assume you are not here to discuss cake with me."

"No, I am not. Twilight over Faron Province has dispersed, and Ordona Province was never taken at all. I fear that there is some powerful force pushing us back."

"Hm, this is definitely serious. Reinforce the borders of the remaining territories and send a small group of scouts into the south. I want to know everything that's going on."

"It shall be done."

"Excellent. Let us celebrate our new stratagem with the consumption of inflated, chocolate-infused bread."

"I'm afraid I have places to be."

"One of these days you'll be out of excuses."

-Back with the heroes-

"This is Hyrule Field, eh? Wow, it's so... huge."

Link stood at the mouth of the road, the exit of Faron Woods. As he stepped through the tree line and into Hyrule Field he was filled with a sense of wonderment. He had never been this far from the village before.

Diababa's main stalk slithered up to his side, taking in the sight. "A fresh breeze, fluid, untarnished grass, the sound of wildlife, mmm, bEAUtiful, very very bEAUtiful... Not enough trees, let's go back."

"You're free to go back at any time. I'll ask again: _why_ are you following me?"

The stalk broke off from the ground, the result looking like a human sized Diababa-snake without the arms. "Because I can tell this is going to be so much fun! Look at all this! We have to prance through the meadows, chins held high and sing into the sky! It's practically a requirement."

"_You're a fun one._"

"Thank you!"

Link's head turned so quickly that Midna was sure his neck snapped. "You heard it too?"

Diababa nodded merrily. "Of course I did. I'm not deaf you know."

"Hear that Midna? It isn't just me hearing that voice!"

His shadow wavered. "Tee hee. Congratulations, you're both insane. Now do I have to hold a biscuit in front of you to make you move?"

"She's right, we have to get going!" Diababa proclaimed, bouncing around erratically. "Onward to freedom!" She took off across the fields.

"She gets it. Now follow the leader, hero-boy."

"I'm not a hero..."

"Details, details."

To keep up with the energetic plant, Link had to push himself to his limits, running faster than the time a goat tried to make one of a key orifice twice its regular size. When he caught up the flora was eating a Bokoblin. "I know I can just photosynthesize, but this is much tastier."

Trying to ignore the disturbing sight before him, Link brought attention to another subject. "Photowhatsiwhat?"

"Photosynthesis. You know, process of converting sunlight into food..."

Link blinked. "I live in a farming community that doesn't even have a school. Am I supposed to understand what that is?"

Diababa swallowed a chunk of flesh, blood splattering on the grass. "Then I've gotta teach you! This stuff is necessary to _live_! Come on, take a knee and I'll get into photosynthesis right away!" Without waiting for him to oblige, she continued. "See that big glowing yellow light thing way up above the clouds? That's the sun, and it's really far away. It's actually red, but the atmosphere distorts the colour- Are you taking notes?"

"No..."

Midna flew in, shadowy form circling their heads. "Remember all that stuff about eternal twilight and evil people? Yeah, that's still going on you know. We should do something about that."

"It's late, he needs to rest and sleep soon," Diababa argued from on top of her meal.

"It's six thirty."

"He's young, aren't you Link?"

"No... I'm seventeen, or eighteen maybe. It depends who you ask."

"Pff, might as well be a newborn. I'm ninety-six! Okay, that's a lie."

-One pointless argument later-

Diababa nodded sagely. "That's the story of how I showed that bull-bitch that nature is ten times better than any of that archaic machinery. Any questions?"

Link rolled his eyes, looking off into the distance. Something caught his attention, forcing him to do a double take. Slowly, his hand rose. "I have one. Who or what is that guy running toward us?"

Sure enough, a strange looking man was jogging across Hyrule Field in their direction. A flag was held high above him, making him even more noticeable from far away. He wore a red hat, signifying his status as a postman.

Elsewhere, several abominations felt a shiver run down their spines. The others had no spines and felt nothing.

The postman slid to a stop in front of Link. "Hello there sir! I am honourable and dependable letter carrier, known to some as the postman. This is a letter for you. Read it at once if you would please."

"YOU!" Diababa's appendages burst from the dirt, tightly wrapping around the postman's arms. "_Why haven't you people delivered my parcel?_"

But he was undeterred. "In accordance with Regulation 24A of the Postperson's Organizational Territory Trust Yarak, no work of mail is to be delivered unless posted with a discernable return address. Your packaging did not follow this agreement."

"I live in a giant tree in the middle of a forest! What do you want me to put down?"

"You must abide the Laws of the Post. The Laws are law, and to disobey them is to disobey the goddesses themselves!"

-In the Sacred Realm-

Nayru smacked Din upside the head. "This is what happens when you descend in a pillar of light and give a bunch of mentally unsound civil servants a document engraved in golden stone."

Din retaliated by casually blasting Nayru with a wave of fire. "It was funny. I regret nothing."

-Back in Hyrule Field, later-

"_You should have torn out his organs and worn them as a scarf. Heroes like scarves, don't they?_"

Link tumbled, tripping over a nearby blade of grass. "WHAT?"

"_Did I say that out loud? That's good._"

The not-hero stood up, brushing some dirt off his knees. "All right, you and me need to talk guidelines."

"_Oh? I'm listening._"

"Finally. First rule: you don't talk. Ever. Second rule: always follow the first rule. Sound fine?"

"_I have no objections._"

"Are you still talking to yourself back there?" Midna shouted from Diababa's shadow. "Come on, mush! Do I need to hang a dog biscuit in front of your eyes to make you run? I can and will you know."

Not doubting her, Link jogged to the plant's side.

"BANZAI!" Diababa dove underground. Midna barely had time to let out a scream before she was pulled along with the bundle of solidified energy.

With that, Link could choose his own pace. He quickly turned on his heel and set a course for his home village.

Sadly, the omnipotent presence did not let him go far. "_Where do you think you're going? There's way too much potential for comedy coming up._"

"You said you'd shut up..."

"_I say a lot of things. I once said that tearing the moon out of its orbit wouldn't cause a catastrophic ecological calamity, and if that isn't a lie then I don't know what is._"

"I- NO!" Some butterflies were flying aimlessly around Link's head, but he quickly swatted them away. "I am not dealing with the butterflies that probably hate me too!"

-A half hour later, border of Eldin Province-

"Huh... How did they manage to place this right on the borders of the province?"

Link, Midna and Diababa stood at a wall of twilight, staring up at the black void. "They must consult a map," Diababa told the not-hero.

"I doubt they care that much."

Midna floated over to the barrier, stopping before it. "Ready to go in? You'll probably end up being a wolf again for some time. Think you can handle it?"

"Uh... Diababa will go instead!"

Midna rolled her eyes, sending him a toothy smirk. "Link, if anyone else goes in they just become a wandering spirit. You're the only one who filled out the résumé correctly."

Diababa leaned over. "Should have written in the 'please leave blank' space like I did."

"There's a lot of things you left blank." Letting out a sigh, Link approached Midna. "Let's go. I want to get this over with."

"With pleasure." Midna disappeared into the twilight. Link moved to follow, but a giant orange hand composed of his partner's hair burst forth, wrapping around him and yanking the poor boy inside. Diababa began hunting Bokoblins again.

Within the twilight, Link turned into a wolf. "I COULD HAVE DONE THAT ON MY OWN!"

She plopped on his back, scratching the polymorph behind his ear. "But that would be no fun... Speaking of fun, look at this beautiful atmosphere!" She took a deep breath, waving her hand through one of the rising squares. "Twilight is looking rather fetching at this time, isn't it? I don't know what your problem with it is. You look much better like this." She gave his audio receptors a tug.

"STOP THAT!"

Link set off through the dark dimension, his footsteps existing as the only sounds in the world. The sky never shifted, the horizon stuck in a perpetual dimness that sent a shiver down Link's horizontal spine. "I don't like this place."

"_Would you like to destroy it? Do you want to see it disappear, to never bother you again? You'd be able to live your normal life, vanish from this quest of heroism and herd goats or whatever it is you do._"

"Now I _know_ that deal's way too good to work out as cleanly as you're making it out to be."

"_There's only one way to find out._"

"I'll pass- Eh?"

A wooden sword lay in the middle of the road, half buried in dust. Link approached it, his nose tingling. "I smell something... Hey, it smells like whatever the kids from the village smell like. That's convenient."

"I told you it's great being a wolf," Midna chimed in from his back. At that moment he felt the Twili hoist her legs up onto his head and lie back. "It's great for me too. Though you could use a little more meat on your back. It's too hard back here."

Deciding it would be best not to retort, Link took off. After a quick jog over a hill he spotted three shadow beasts in his path, blocking what looked like it would be the only way to cross the forthcoming canyon. They paced restlessly, oblivious to his presence.

"Are we sure we can't get Diababa in here?"

"Get bitin'."

"_Om nom nom._"

Fortunately, Link was not a dumbass and decided to think this through rationally. On one side of the shadow beasts was an open field. On another was a vertical cliff going down. On the third was a vertical cliff going up, a path on Link's side leading to the top.

-A minute later-

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever done. That means I should do it before I think enough to have regrets." Backing up a few steps, Link took a running leap from the cliff. "THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!"

He fell on top of one of the unsuspecting monsters, smashing his skull off of its metal face mask. "OW! MOTHERFUCKER!" The shadow beast grabbed Link by the tail and tossed him away, going back to its patrol.

"_Nom nom?_"

"SHUT UP!"

As it turned Link lunged forward, biting into the neck. The beast let out a wail, shaking him off and calling over its cohorts. Apparently, he was an acknowledgeable threat.

-Meanwhile-

"Zant, have you ever heard the phrase, 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'?"

"Yes, I have. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, just wondering if your people have the same sayings as we do. A curiosity if you will, completely irrelevant to anything happening at the moment. My people tend to think that one's a load of bull though. What if what doesn't kill you cripples you, or destroys your will to fight? Winning is the only solution, isn't it?"

"If that is what you believe, then it is so. Your word is my law."

"...That's right, it is. Heh heh heh."

-Back at the plot-

Link picked himself up, bloody and in great agony, as Midna used her magic hair to punch the last shadow beast off of the cliff. "Can you do _anything_ on your own? Do I need some motivation for you? Want a biscuit when you fight well?"

"I'M NOT A TRAINED FIGHTER! The most fighting I ever did before this week was hitting a spider with a wooden stick!"

Midna rolled her eyes, glancing around the cleared area. Her eyes eventually wandered to the blue portal above them. "Oh, looks like we have another one. Excellent. By the way, I can teleport us between those things at any time."

"Just do that whenever I get into too much trouble... all the time, I suppose."

His partner plopped on his back again, the two approaching the wooden archway that surely led to a bridge. The only problem was that it didn't. "Hm. That's odd. Shouldn't... there be a bridge here?"

"Yeah," he muttered.

"Think we can jump it?"

"NO!"

The ground below them began to rumble. Cracks grew at Link's feet, terrifying the poor boy... wolf. "What-"

An explosion of dirt and rock blasted Link into the air, sending him cart-wheeling over the chasm. Screaming the whole time, he landed back first on the opposite road. Midna shoved him to the side, cracking several joints back into place.

On the other side was a spiritual Diababa, rising from the hole with several Bokoblins in hand. "Thought you could get away from me underground, did you? I _am_ the ground, you can't use nature to escape a natural disaster, can you? Thought not." Then she ate them and ducked back into the hole.


	8. The Wise Old Owl

_I wrote this and a lot of the next chapter in one session, so it shouldn't take too long to update._

_By the way, one of the words in this title is a lie. _

_Published October 19, 2011_

**The Wise Old Owl**

Kakariko Village was the perfect definition of a ghost town: silent, empty, and the host of a single tumbleweed. Link quietly walked down the main road, eyes darting in search of any movement. His partner did not share his anxiety.

"Ah, you're too tense. It's making your back all rigid. Calm down a little, will-"

"SH!" the not-hero hissed, cutting her off. "As long as we make no noise, nothing will find us. Everything is hiding and the moment we give any sign that we're here they'll jump out."

Midna happily stood up, easily balancing on his spine. Clearing her throat, she let out a mighty shriek. Windows broke. A certain dog fell to the ground, writhing in agony. An avalanche could be heard on the nearby mountain. But nothing attacked them yet.

"See? You're being paranoid."

"I _CAN'T_ SEE! I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"

She shrugged.

On cue, three shadow beasts emerged from a nearby alleyway. One pointed at them, hissed irately. "They don't look very happy..."

"Did you deduce that all on your own? Good boy! Want a biscuit?" Ignoring her, Link reluctantly went to work on the shadow beasts. He soon discovered that he could use magic twilight powers to spear his body through all three of them consecutively, effectively stopping their revival powers. This was perceived by the not-hero as awesome.

They approached the town's spring, seeing a giant ball of light floating just above the water. Link sat at the pool's edge. The spirit hovered quietly. Link cleared his throat.

The spirit snapped awake. "Eh? Oh. Hello. Who're you?"

"Link. Not the hero, just a poor guy forced into adventures far beyond his control."

"Oh. Link, sounds like a fine name. Your mother must be very proud of you."

"My mom's dead... I think."

"Oh. That's... that's not... good..." The spirit went quiet. Link's sensitive ears caught a softening in its breathing.

"AHEM!"

It snorted loudly, yawning. "Eh? Oh. Hello again. I am the spirit Eldin. Great big bird, fantastic to look at. Well, I used to be. I'm not much now. Who're you?"

"Link."

"Oh, yes, yes, I knew that. You told me, didn't you? Did you? Maybe... Can you help me get my body back? My light seems to have been taken. I can't believe someone took my light, that wasn't nice at all. Can you help me get my body back?"

"_Please say yes. Quickly._"

"For once I agree with you," Link sighed. "Yeah, I'll get right on that."

A snore escaped Eldin.

"HELLO!"

"Eh? Oh, hello. Terrible weather, isn't it?"

-Several minutes later-

Link tore another bug in half, its body dissolving into light. "How many more?"

"A lot. One's running into that house, you should chase it. Go get 'em, boy. Mush!"

Taking a page from Santa Claus, Link climbed onto the roof and dropped down the chimney. This proved a painful endeavour when he got stuck almost immediately, spine bent 180 degrees. "Midna... Help..."

"_Heeheeheeheehee._"

"SHUT U- OW. This was a horrible idea..."

Midna teleported above him, contemplating her options. The Twili settled for dropping from fifty feet in the air over and over, gradually shoving him further down the duct. By the time he was free, the former human never felt so happy to be covered in ash and filth.

There were familiar spirits in the house. Talo, Malo, Colin and Beth were huddled together beside two unknown but very strange looking figures: what appeared to be a young girl sporting a fashionable bowl cut and an adult man... woman... something.

"I dun see can't not see dem dere o' them black brutameguys no more ma see," another spirit said, a middle aged man with a welding mask who was crouched beside the window.

"Thank you, Barnes," the indeterminable it said, annoying Link with its gender neutral voice.

"Now ask me ya do 'nd I bet I'd bet to ya dat all dem brutameguy whatsits ain't no gonna not keep in de open no nots it then FEAST once no more their prey does go 'nd themselves in a hole to hide and not," Barnes continued.

"Renado, what's he saying?" Talo questioned.

"You do not want to know," it, now identified with the gender ambiguous Renado, answered. "Just know that we are safe here. There is no way that they can break through the chair I pushed under the doorknob."

Barnes wasn't done however. "Now I dunno what you gone and thinking you thinks ya think, bu' way back gone when dose brutameguys went and came to now the place here that's here and all dat, ma boomsticks weren't not can't even 'ut a chicken scratch back on the thighs."

"I think I caught a little of that one," Beth piped in.

"AH!" Barnes hurled a bomb out the window, the blast incinerating the town's tumbleweed. "Aw, can't no good 'at can't be..."

A sharp tug on his ear caught Link's attention. He turned back, getting a face full of Midna's cheeky grin. "Look at that. You found those kiddies, how sweet."

"_Yaaay! They look tasty._"

"THE HELL?"

Midna smacked him not so lightly. "Use your indoor voice indoors."

-A few bugs later-

A fiery storm surrounded Link, the house he was inside being completely engulfed in flame. Explosives were going off left and right, rafters crashing to the ground. Midna had retreated out a nearby window once the situation got hot, bailing while she could. "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

-Several minutes of pest killing later-

"Hm? What's that?" Midna pointed him in the direction of a glowing gold obelisk, standing out amidst the twilight bloom effect.

Link poked his nose around the statue. "I'm feeling a strange urge to howl at it. Make it stop!"

"Mmmm... no. You must give in to your beastly urges. It will amuse me."

"_Yeah! Mount that statue and show it who's boss!_"

"NO! I'm not howling at it and I'm not humping it!"

"Aw, really?" From the dark shadow of the stone popped the golden wolf, effectively scaring Link. "We can have a duet, it'll be so great! I'll be howling, you'll be howling, and we can howl this song I learned way back in the day. Wow, I feel so old..."

"WHEN DID YOU GET THERE?"

"I'm a _myyysticaaal gooolden wooolf, oooOOOooo..._ I can be anywhere."

"...I'm still not howling a song. It would sound terrible like this."

The wolf's head dipped. "You're no fun. Come meet me again when you're back to normal and I'll teach- Ooo, shiny!" The golden wolf shot off at maximum speed, requiring no acceleration, and snatched up one of the bugs. The gears in Link's head began to turn.

"You know, there are a lot more shiny bugs than that one."

The wolf's head jerked back at them, eyebrows almost shooting into the sky. "Shiny?"

"Yes, shiny."

With their new pest hunting machine the trio, or quartet depending on your views, continued their hunt. The gold wolf was good at finding the shiny bugs, tracking them with record time. "Man, this brings back memories," the wolf said. "I once hunted fairies with two ogres, and it was just like this except we used hands instead of faces and put them in a sack instead of tearing them in half."

"What exactly did you do in your past life?" Link asked.

"I was a great hero!" The wolf struck a pose. "I saved the world three times! Though no one really remembers the first one because it didn't actually happen, but I did it! Well, the first two weren't actually _saving_ the world. I stopped a totalitarian monarchy from usurping the current totalitarian monarchy. The difference was that ours is better. They said we could have cake!" Link and Midna just stared.

"_You should gut him._"

-Soon after-

In a flash of light, Link and Midna were teleported back to Eldin's spring. The light they gathered congregated around the luminous sphere, forming the light spirit's body. Twilight faded away, returning Link to human form and reducing his cohort back to a shadow.

"Tee hee, enjoy the spirit!" Midna cackled, dropping into his silhouette.

A gigantic owl faded into view, perching on top of the light. "Oh? Hello, I'm Eldin. Who're you?"

"Link."

"Oh yes, Link, Link, right, yes, how forgetful of me. I am Eldin, spirit of Eldin Province. It's named after me. Now down to business. As you may be able to tell, a mysterious twilight has fallen over my land and I need your help to fix it, Hero of Twilight."

If it was possible, Link would have dropped dead from disbelief right there. "Eldin, the twilight's gone."

The great bird tilted its head, taking in the surroundings. "Oh, it is. Well look at that, the twilight's gone! Now I can go back to sleep, yes I can."

"Before you do that, can you tell me where I can find something called a Fused Shadow?"

It looked off vacantly, closing its eyes. "Fused Shadow? Mmm... I have no idea."

Letting out a sigh, Link turned away. "I thought not. I'm just going to that big volcano. This is probably the fire stage, so it must be in the hottest spot."

"Oh, yes, good luck with whatever. I'm going to sleep, good night." The owl folded its wings, fading away with the light.

"I feel like I've made a terrible mistake in reviving that one."

The door to Renado's house opened, revealing the curious children. Upon seeing Link they rushed at him, whooping and cheering fanatically.

"We knew you'd come!" Talo exclaimed.

"...Yay," Colin said.

"Good job, Link!" Beth congratulated.

Malo began rubbing his hands together. "Yes, now that they are dead I can TAKE OVER THE WORLD, HA HA HA HA HAA!"

Talo laughed nervously, stepping away. "Yeah, he's been like that ever since we got here. No one knows why."

"It's just a phase," Link said, shrugging nonchalantly.

As he was horded by the kids Link noticed Renado and Barnes were approaching him. It was taller than expected, towering over the not-hero. "Are you the one from Ordon they kept talking about?"

"Sadly, yes. How would you like to be the new hero?"

Barnes rolled his eyes. "This 'ne kid her wit got now that there and stuffin' can't no 'ay be 'ne guy who save and killed and saved ma tewn," he scoffed.

"Quiet, Barnes," Renado sighed. "I am Renado, shaman of this town. You can tell this because of my robes and how I never use contractions."

"Understandable. I'm Link. Can I ask how these guys ended up all the way out here and _not_ eaten?"

"Ha! I fought off those monsters singlehandedly!" Talo began swinging his fists around like he had broken into his father's liquor cabinet again, likely trying to imitate fighting.

"What Talo certainly means is that I found them outside the town," Renado said, quickly cutting him off. "The beasts appeared to have abandoned them."

"_Well that's stupid. They should have torn those brats limb from limb and feasted on their innards then and there! You may have noticed that I don't like children, especially blondes. That one needs to suffer..._"

"Times have grown dark quickly in this small town." Renado was apparently continuing. "The dark beasts emerging was a shock, but even worse was the sudden change in the mountain dwelling Goron tribe. They had long been our friends, but now treat us as though foes, refusing to let us near their mines." It shook its head, sighing again. "It strains the limits of belief to think that they could change so suddenly..."

"I shink jabe gont wanna kaput whan da witz." Blood trickled out of Link's ear, his eye rapidly twitching.

Renado nodded. "For once, I agree with you, Barnes. Now Link, you must take these children and flee this village as soon as possible. There is no telling when those beasts could return."

Even though he had no clue whether Renado was a man or a woman and the question was haunting his every thought, Link felt Renado was his favourite acquaintance so far. "Gladly. Let's go. Preferably before I get assaulted by a kissing plant monster."

As soon as the words left his mouth, the not-hero felt a sense of dread wrap around his bones. A loud neigh to the west confirmed his suspicions: Epona was here, and she was angry.

His horse easily cleared the gate to the village, two Bokoblin latched onto her back in a vain attempt to capture the beast. "This one's insane!" Hkyl screeched.

Wwvr was screaming and began to punch her brother for no discernible reason.

"I deserve this!" the brother yelled before they were both flung from Epona's back.

The horse turned her eyes to Link, staring him down. "Heh heh, nice horsey. It's me, the guy who feeds and grooms you. You don't want to hurt the guy who feeds and grooms you, do you?"

Epona let out a ferocious roar and then made a beeline for his head. He quickly lunged to the side, narrowly avoiding imminent death. Epona skidded to a stop, rearing up on her hind legs.

Inspiration struck. "This is a terrible idea..." Link ran forward, jumping onto her back and holding on tightly.

-Moments later-

Link's hat was drenched, along with the rest of his body, when Epona fired him into the light spirit's pond. She followed up by trampling him repeatedly, eventually calming down. "Good... girl..." he choked out.

"LIIIIINK!" Diababa popped up in front of him and, before he could object, planted a sloppy wet one that engulfed his entire face. "Hi."

Link shoved her back, repeatedly dunking his head in the water. "I can't believe I need to teach you this. That is _not_ how people say hi to each other! We say 'hi' and _don't_ have a root shoved down our throats. Stick to the 'hi'!"

His nature-flavoured partner chortled. "That's being melodramatic, and we don't like that in these parts. It's just a greeting. I greeted your horse the same way."

"I think I understand her reaction now."

* * *

><p><strong>WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN<strong>

I'm sure I've told a lot of reviewers this already, but for those who don't know the bosses from Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask were going to permanently join Link's party. Eventually, I realized writing for 18 or so characters at once in Majora's Mask was damn hard and adding eight or so more would push too many personalities into the background. So that was canned to put more focus on the new guys._  
><em>


	9. Bulls, Boars and a Black Abyss

_I just ordered Makai Kingdom, Xenosagas 1 through 3, and Resonance of Fate. Coupled with Disgaea 4, Agarest War and War for Cyberton, I am going to have way too many games to play. TOO MANY DECISIONS!_

_A while ago, someone asked how the hell I thought up the idea of Volvagia breathing underwater. It was anonymous, so I couldn't respond, but since I figure more than one person is wondering I'll just say the answer here. Basically, the water temple is after the fire one. There is no reasonable way to get Volvagia in there, but I wanted to develop his character as he was the newest member. "Fuck it, Volvagia breathes underwater now!" was what I believe I said._

_Published October 25, 2011_

**Bulls, Boars and a Black Abyss**

Link cantered Epona through Hyrule Field, his mission clear. He was going to Ordon Village to tell the mayor that the kids were all right and Renado was arranging transportation for them. Renado also gave him a stranger request, to get something from Bo that would allow a human to overpower a Goron of all things.

"Faster, you can do better than that and you know it! I know it which means you know it because I know you know I know it!" Diababa was rambling about something for which he didn't care enough to find context.

After a few minutes they reached their first obstacle. The gaping chasm still lacked a bridge, effectively halting all passage. He scratched Epona behind the ear. "This just makes me wonder how _you_ got across..."

Epona bolted, running at the gorge. "NO, I DIDN'T MEAN KILL US ALL! STOP! NO!"

His horse leaped, clearing the gap in two jumps.

"Oh. That was... wait, what?"

Within a few hours they had reached Ordon Village. Mayor Bo looked quite eager to see Link and Epona, not yet noticing the plant monster hidden amongst the trees. "Link? You're safe! Your clothes... what happened these last few days?"

"You don't want to know."

Diababa poked her head out. "I happened! Hi."

"You _really_ don't want to know. Let's talk inside."

-And now for something completely different-

Odolwa and Gyorg hung over a pot of bubbling ooze, tied together, dozens of screeching monkeys surrounding them. "How the fuckity fucking fuck did this happen?" Gyorg roared, rocking their confines.

"Careful!" his cohort warned. "You never know-"

The rope dropped.

-Back to our regular program-

Link finished his cup of tea. "And that's a summary of all you need to know. And that was a convenient segway."

A small smile crossed Bo's lips. "Thank you, Link. Renado's an old friend who can definitely keep them safe. I trust Renado. But you said Ilia wasn't with them?"

"Yes I did. Several seconds ago in fact."

"I see. That ain't what I wanted to hear... But she's a strong girl. I know she'll be fine."

-Elsewhere-

"Are you idiots keeping these poor Bulbos in a sewer? Their coats are filthy! Poor little guys, and shame on all of you! I should kill you where you stand, not for kidnapping me, but for not giving these guys their daily bath! They aren't even on a proper diet! Really, look at how fat this one is. What do you do in your spare time? Do you think you don't have to take care of them? You ride them, if they're unhealthy and not well kept then you're going to crash on your face one day!"

One Bulblin pulled out a club. The others nodded.

-Picking up from where we left off-

"Completely fine... Now, Link, we have other things to discuss. Namely, how I can help."

Link refilled his tea cup. "Do you have some sort of gauntlet that grants the wearer tons of strength, more than enough to overpower a Goron?"

Bo blinked. Then he burst into laughter. "Of course not!" the big man cried, wiping a tear from his eye. "That's just stupid. What I do have is a pair of boots that will make you really heavy and able to stand getting hit by one of them."

"_Or make your feet in one place and your head in another._"

"But before I give them to you, I must pass on the techniques. Come with me." Bo led Link into his back room. The centre was cleared out letting Link gaze at the medium sized circle placed on the floor. "Now remove your shirt!"

"Huh?"

"Dammit Link, do you want to know the ancient way of the sumo or not? Take it off!"

Link removed his shirt. "Okay, now what?"

"And your pants too!"

"Huh?"

"Do as I say!"

His pants soon joined his tunic, leaving Link in just his undies. "Is that all?"

Bo opened up a treasure chest, tossing the contents to Link. "Now put on that giant diaper!"

"Wait, what?"

"Do you want these iron boots or not?"

"Not really..."

"Put the diaper on!"

Link obeyed, noticing that Bo was now dressed in the same attire. "Any other ways you want me to degrade myself?"

"Yes. We must cover our bodies in this oil so that when we slap each other it will be really loud!"

-Four minutes later-

Rusl stared at the back wall of Mayor Bo's house, abject horror written plainly across his face. He could not stop questioning the sound effects occurring on the other side of the wood.

"Is that all, Link?" Bo's voice shouted from within. "I thought you would have lasted longer!"

"I'm not done yet!" Link snapped. "I did not strip down like this just to lose! I have a stake in this now."

"Another round left in you, eh? I like that! Get over here and take this like the man you are!"

After a short silence, another series of slaps struck Rusl's ears.

"Urgh! You're getting better. I didn't think a kid like you could put me in a position like this so quickly..."

"There's more to me than meets the eye."

Rusl shook his head, forcing his legs to take him away. "Some days I wonder..."

Inside, Link had just succeeded in ejecting Bo from the ring, winning the round. "Well played," Bo grunted, sitting up. He spotted Link pouring a barrel of water on his oily body. "You have skill, but that alone won't be enough to beat the Gorons. That's why you can find an iron pair of boots in that chest over there."

Link put the barrel down, satisfied. "Any chance of some iron gloves so I don't dust my fists when I hit them?"

Bo immediately broke into laughter. "Gloves? Made of metal? All those hits to the head must have finally caught up! Heh, metal gloves... Really, Link?"

As he dressed back up Link snatched the iron boots. Despite being able to weigh him down while worn, the boots did not cause any slowness when put in his pack. "_Watch it, those things are heavy!_"

-In the forest-

"AHHH! IRON BOOTS! REALLY HEAVY! WEAR THEM AND YOU CAN STAND STILL HARD! OH NAYRU IT BURNS!"

-Back with Link-

As he left Bo's house, Link heard a wheeze. Pausing he looked around. Aside from a few people going about their everyday lives and Rusl staring blankly into the sky, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

He heard it again. Narrowing his eyes, Link tried to trace the direction of the sound. It was behind, no, below him. "Midna..."

"Can't breathe," Midna rasped from his shadow. "Laughing so hard, nothing left, air, I need air..."

"I'm not even going to ask." He mounted Epona and set course for Kakariko Village.

Back in Kakariko, Talo and Beth were discussing current politics in the streets. "The totalitarian monarchy we have right now will only drag this country down if we keep it," Talo stated. "Putting the rights of the people in one person's hands can never go well."

"Maybe, but there's a better chance of one ruler remaining uncorrupted than a dozen rulers," Beth countered. "With a diplomatic regime, it's entirely possible to buy out more than one senator, whereas a king or queen will be impossible for even the rich to buy out. It's the best that we can get at the moment."

Their discussion was interrupted by a rumbling, the sound of heavy hooves closing in. From around the corner rode King Bulblin and Lord Bulbo, their posse just behind. "WOO, HELL YEAH! We are gonna FUCK YOUS UP!"

The two children took off in a run, but Lord Bulbo was faster. The steed was quickly closing in, the rider's hand outstretched.

Suddenly, Colin walked outside. "...What's-"

King Bulblin snatched him up.

Just as this was occurring Link rode into town, still terrified by his excursion over the crevice. It was not difficult to notice Bulblin. "Who the hell are you?"

"WE'RE LORD BULBO AND KING BULBLIN, BITCH!" Surprisingly, it was not Bulblin but Bulbo, the boar, who said this. Bulblin remained silent.

Link blinked. "Uh, okay. Lord and King-"

"DIPSHIT! YOU DO NOT ADDRESS KING BULBLIN. YOU ADDRESS _ME_ SO _I_ CAN ADDRESS KING BULBLIN!"

"Whatever! Just tell me what you're doing with the kid."

Bulbo smashed a hoof on the ground, snorting in rage. "DO NOT ADDRESS KING BULBLIN AND LORD BULBO WITH SUCH LITTLE RESPECT!"

Link turned to Diababa. "Thrash 'em."

"Aye aye, captain!"

Diababa lunged forward, launching an arm at the duo. Bulbo reacted by running off, barely dodging her initial strike. The plant squealed, pursuing with glee. Shrugging, Link followed.

Epona swerved down the gorge, the trail eventually opening into Hyrule Field. Bulblin had lashed Colin to a large pole and mounted it on Bulbo's side so he could swing his axe at Diababa. It sliced into one of her petals, pushing her back.

Now that he had some breathing room, Bulblin blew into his horn. Almost instantly back up arrived in the form of several dozen more riders, all doubled up on their mounts. Diababa immediately lost focus on her target, going straight at the reinforcements.

Bulbo snorted, stomping his hoof. "Look, it's the green retard! LET'S GET HIM!"

"Epona, run!"

The chase began. Link circled the field, randomly throwing his boomerang back at Bulblin in the hope that he'd stop chasing the not-hero. Bulblin was relentless however, taking every opportunity to swing his axe.

"Epona, run faster!"

The horse stopped, bucking him from her back. She then ran off, able to go faster without his weight.

"GET BACK HERE YOU BITCH!"

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE, HA HA!" Bulbo trudged up behind him, the boar and his rider smiling down at him.

"We don't need to go _that_ far... I don't have a problem with you taking the kid, really. In fact, I'm all for it! I got pulled into this completely against my will. Can I be on your side?"

Bulblin raised his axe.

"Seeing as negotiations are over, I'll just go..." He ran.

Bulbo was easily catching up, snorting in laughter the whole time. In a blind attempt to give himself some time Link tossed his boomerang back, likely failing in his endeavour. There was a bridge ahead; maybe he could find some fortification in the structure at its edges.

He heard Bulbo slowing down. "What the hell is that?" There was a dust cloud on the mountain, what looked like an avalanche, descending speedily in their direction. It could have been considered one if it didn't keep going on the ground, getting closer and closer. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

Diababa rose up behind Link, plopping her head on his. "It's her."

"Eh?"

"I know it's her."

"Who?"

"Her."

"WHO IS SHE?"

"That one whose name I don't know."

"THAT DOESN'T HELP!"

In the end, she was a gigantic mechanical bull going by the name of Goht, lured down by the sight of the riders running around. She had not run in many years and was eager to show all these slow simpletons who was the fastest around.

"Initiating . Maximizing efficiency levels. Closing . Negative, do not reopen . I said negative, not affirmative. Negative. Connecting connectors. Speed at its limit. EXTERMINATE."

Goht plowed through three riders, eyes focused on King Bulblin and Lord Bulbo. The former signalled the latter and they went running, making for the bridge and leaving Link alone. He would have been relieved if the giant mecha running at him didn't make the sweat flow twice as fast.

She slowed down, stopping next to Link and Diababa. Red eyes turned to the taller green one. "Database D reminds me that you do not fully appreciate the values of technology. Please fill the blocks by informing me of why this is, Diababa."

"It sucks," the plant said, glaring. "The coldness of steel is no match for the brrrrilliant flow of natural beauty, the soft feeling of grass on your flesh, or the untameable joy of drowning someone in a natural spring." Link began to step away from her.

"Your logic is incomprehensible."

"Okay, I think I've learned more about your hobbies than I needed to," Link loudly said, clapping his hands. "Those two are getting away in case no one noticed."

Goht's eyes lit up like a fanned flame. "They will not outrun me." She leaned over, her horn picking up Link by the tunic and plopping him on her back.

"Wait, what? NO, I DON'T NEED TO- AHHHH!"

The new steed accelerated quickly, tearing through the wooden gate at the bridge's edge. For a moment Goht stormed down the bridge; she suddenly stopped, staring down their foes. King Bulblin and Lord Bulbo were at the other end, facing back at them.

A Bokoblin in the middle rang a handy bell. "In one end: he's big, he's smart, and he's got a hostage, he's Kiiiiiing Bulblin! The challenger: she's hard as metal, thinks in megabytes, and has some weird green growth on her back that should really get looked at, she's Goht!"

"What's going on?" Link asked.

The Bokoblin rang the bell again. "Ready? GO!" He then jumped off the bridge, falling to his death.

"BOO YAH! WE'RE GONNA FUCK YOUS UP!" Bulbo shot forward fearlessly.

Link tried to stand up. "All right, I'm going to get- AHHHH!" Goht met Bulbo's charge, forcing Link to either sit down or fall very far. It quickly became obvious that this was rigged to Goht, what with her being over three times as tall as Bulbo. "I think we've got this."

Bulblin ducked, bending Colin's stick as well. They disappeared under Goht, coming out back a second later with wiring caught on his axe. Goht stopped, her eyes turning bright blue. "System damaged. Entering diagnosis mode." She dropped to the ground.

"Uh, oxy?" She did not move. "Goit or whatever your name is? You there?" The response was the same. "Epona? Diababa? Someone?"

Bulblin and Bulbo were already charging back at them. Link climbed behind Goht, watching them grow closer with every second. "Oh boy, this is going to suck," he muttered, closing his eyes as Bulblin raised his axe.

They were almost there. "SOMEONE WANNA HELP?"

Goht's eyes glowed red. "Diagnosis complete." A leg jerked out, kicking Bulblin in the face. He grabbed the pole Colin was on, trying to stabilize himself. After a moment of wobbling he fell off Bulbo, bouncing off of the Eldin Bridge and into the pit below. He was still holding onto Colin as he fell, by the way.

"KING BULBLIIIIIIN! I'M COMING FOR YA!" Bulbo ran off the edge as well.

Link watched the antagonists, as well as the hostage he set out to rescue, disappeared into the darkness. "Let's not talk about this one," he murmured.

"_Faiiiluuure._"

* * *

><p><em>And because everyone keeps saying things about it, remember that I said no returning bosses would <em>permanently _join. Just clarifying that._


	10. Death Mountain: Still Not Just a Name

_How come all three of the two disc games I ordered only came in _one disc cases_? Also, Xenosaga appears to not work past a certain point about twenty minutes in, the screen goes black and if I make the disc spin again all I get is the map in the lower corner, but nothing else. I'll send in an email and I know they'll just give me another another for free like they did last time. So that's not a problem._

_But you want to hear about the chapter and not my petty life, eh? I'm not sure why, but this is one of the most proofread chapters I've ever had. I must have gone over it four times, and I'm not sure why. Hell, I still want to give it another go over just to make sure._

_And apparently a lot of people really liked the last chapter. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside :3 _

_Published October 30, 2011 _

**Death Mountain: Still Not Just a Name**

"_He is dead with a capital D. Splattered from here to Death Mountain I'll bet. We'd need to suck up his remains with a hose if we want to get anything._"

"I get it."

"_Did you see how far he had to fall? I could still hear him after half a kilometre! I think I heard a girlish scream right before the end, but that could have been the boar..._"

"Enough already!"

"Who are you speaking to?" Goht asked. Link, Goht, and Diababa were returning to Kakariko village, two with their heads held high and one seconds from smashing his head on the cliff.

Link sighed at the prospect of alerting another uncaring bystander to his plight. "It's this bodiless voice that's been haunting me for a few days now. Yes, ha ha, Link's insane, I don't care."

Goht's eyes turned green, dimming for a moment. "Reading motherboard. Reading complete. Diagnosis one: have you recently ingested Magic Beans?"

"No..."

"Diagnosis two: have the ents of Faron Woods cross pollinated within fifty feet of you?"

"No. Wait, we have ents?"

"Diagnosis three: did Odolwa give you a purple, heart shaped mask sometime recently?"

Link blinked. Then his eyes widened. "No way." Shoving a hand into his pouch, Link wrenched out Majora's Mask. "YOU! YOU! YOU'RE THE BASTARD!"

"_Heeheeheeheehee. It looks like the game is up. I wonder how long it will take for you to win the next one._"

Letting out a dry laugh, he pulled his arm back. "That's a good one. For a second, I thought you were serious about not getting hurled into a stone wall. Actually, have you ever been fed to a barn full of goats before?"

"_Can't say I have,_" Majora said. "_It doesn't sound like a fun game though._"

"That is ill advised," Goht piped in.

Link's wrist twitched. He was too eager to get rid of this thing to worry about any consequences. "I might listen to you if I wasn't so angry at everything right now. Do you know what it feels like to be oiled up, put in a diaper and slapped around by a man twice your age?"

"Affirmative."

"Didn't- Wait, what?"

Her flinch would have been more subtle if it wasn't accompanied by the squeaking gears. "It is... unimportant. If you so desire, please, continue."

"With pleasure." Link hurled Majora's Mask at the nearby stone wall, letting out a triumphant laugh as it swirled through the air. His laugh was literally cut short when a tendril shot from the back of the mask, wrapped itself around his tongue and yanked the mask back. It crashed into his face, knocking the not-hero unconscious.

-Half an hour later-

In contrast to the dry, cold air of the path he lost consciousness on, Link awoke to the dry, warm air of Renado's house. The shaman was looking out a nearby window. "Do not sit up too quickly," it said without turning back.

Link jerked into a sitting position, the blood rush sending him into unconsciousness again immediately.

-Half an hour later-

This time, Renado placed a hand on Link's chest to hold him down. "What was the last thing you remember me saying?"

Link groaned, vision blurring for a moment. "Don't... sit up?"

"Good, you were listening. What was the first thing you did?"

"Mask... Where's the mask?"

"_I'm right here, back in your pocket. Diababa had the courtesy of returning me, my friend. And don't play Frisbee with me again, I didn't like that and you won't like it either._"

"No!" Link tried to get out of the bed, but due to his lack of orientation he slipped and smashed his face off a drawer.

-Half an hour later-

Link awoke, head throbbing twice as badly. "How are you feeling?" Renado asked him.

"Not good," he groaned, pushing both hands against his forehead.

"That is because you just learned that collision detection does, in fact, exist. Are you going to do ail yourself again?"

Link shook his head.

"Then answer me vocally instead of jerking your bruised brain around like that. I shall fetch your flora friend and tell her you plan to stay awake this time." Renado left the room, leaving Link alone.

"_You're not alone. You're never alone._"

He quickly sat up, ignoring the pain. "YOU!"

Midna pulled herself out of his shadow. "Stop yelling and stay put. You've already sidetracked us for ninety minutes and I think your head has suffered enough."

Her words met deaf ears when Link pulled Majora's Mask out again, glaring at it. "You... I'll deal with you here and now!"

-Half an hour later-

Why was he opening his eyes to see Renado's ceiling again? "I am beginning to wonder if I should even let you wake up."

Adding to the last question, why did he have no depth perception? "I am not sure how, but you hit yourself in the eye hard enough to fall unconscious. I do not plan to ask, nor do I wish to know."

Link tried to sit up but hastily learned how he was belted to the bed. "You may have noticed that I lashed you down with some belts I bought from Barnes specifically for this purpose. This is because I no longer trust you enough to leave you to your own devices while I get Diababa."

"I'd object, but considering what's happened this is actually kinda reasonable."

"Yes it is. Try not to choke on your own tongue." Renado left, giving Link one final stare before closing the door.

Midna popped out of his shadow, hovering above his head and cackling excitedly. "I can't believe you thought that would work!"

"What? Thought _what_ would work?"

"That stupid thing you did."

"WHAT DID I DO?"

Midna just kept laughing.

-Half an hour later-

Seeing as Link had yet to harm himself in the last thirty minutes, he set off for Death Mountain with Diababa and Renado. Goht left a long time ago, just leaving word not to mess with the artefact of unspeakable evil. Link learned this lesson the hard way. He was also being introduced to the world of a Cyclops, greatly disliking the eye patch approach to life. Diababa was approving of it at least, constantly wishing she had a patch of her own. Telling her how stupid this was would be a waste of breath.

"Can you _please_ explain what the boots are for?" Link begged, not liking the idea of walking blindly up an active volcano without knowing what he was trying to do.

Diababa smacked him over the head, almost triggering a relapse. "No, don't! I like the surprise."

Sadly for the perky plant, Renado was more willing to satisfy Link's needs than hers. "The Gorons have been rather unfriendly lately, and may attempt to roll down the mountain and crush us should we get close."

"WHAT? WHY ARE WE KILLING OURSELVES BY GETTING CLOSER?"

"Fortunately, with these boots, we are able to stand our ground against their assault."

"Oh yes, I'm SURE that having heavy shoes will completely protect us from-"

"HEY!" A Goron stood around the corner, glaring viciously. "You're not supposed to be up here, humans!"

Diababa began to jump around behind them. "What about me? Can I come?"

"Er... I'm not sure. We weren't told anything about giant plant things. What are you?"

"I'm Diababa."

"Charlie, stop talking to the intruders and crush them!"

"Right! I'm supposed to kill you guys. No hard feelings aside from when my stone hard skin splatters you down the mountainside, right?" The Goron curled into a ball and started to roll, rapidly accelerating.

Renado pulled Link forward. "Now, put on the iron boots and use your mighty strength to overwhelm that Goron."

"WHAT? I don't stand a chance!"

"Do it or we all die."

Grumbling, Link slipped into the iron boots and entered a defensive stance, ready to catch the Goron. "This is a bad idea."

Then Goht jumped down in front of Link, taking the Goron head on. The Goron easily lost. "How stupid are you?" she asked, unable to comprehend how this plan was supposed to work.

"Wasn't my idea... Wait, have you been following us?"

"Yes. You bear resemblance to a former comrade of mine, and I was curious if you shared his lack of self-preservation instincts. I appear to have been proven correct."

"I'm telling you, I thought this was just as stupid as you did!"

-Minutes later-

"WHY DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE TO CLOSE TO AN _ACTIVE VOLCANO?_"

Link, Renado, Goht and Diababa were frantically dodging falling ash and molten rock that Death Mountain was spewing like a newborn who didn't know how to hold his bladder back. Meanwhile, Midna was enjoying the fact that her body was incorporeal in the normal world.

"IT'S CALLED DEATH MOUNTAIN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WHY WOULD YOU MOVE HERE? AH! THIS IS HARD TO DODGE WHEN I CAN'T JUDGE DISTANCE!"

-Shortly afterwards-

The diagonal trip ended, leading the ensemble to a plateau. Renado pointed to a passage in the mountainside across from them. "We are almost there. We should move quickly, before more notice us."

Goht nodded. "Yes... sir?"

"Can do, ma'am!" Diababa exclaimed, mock saluting.

To Link's frustration, Renado ignored both of them.

Before he could think further on the matter, a gigantic slab of rock impaled the ground not three feet from Link's foot. It easily as large as Diababa's natural form, if somewhat thinner. "Being struck by Death Mountain's debris may result in quick death," Goht stated.

His eyelid twitched. "No shit, really?"

"I am merely attempting to alleviate the pain your mind is likely experiencing by trying to determine the answer."

"Gohty-girl, I KNOW that being popped beneath a rock twice the size of my house will kill me! I'll be dead with a capital D! Splattered from here to the bottom of Death Mountain! You'd have to use a hose to get what's left of me!"

Diababa coiled a vine over Link's shoulder, shaking him roughly. "Don't worry! If any of those mean rocks tries to kill you, it'll have to go through me!"

The group continued their trek, dodging a few more eruptions on the way, and soon entered through the aforementioned entryway. They were immediately met by six Gorons, all charging up and ready to make a new carpet from their blood. Luckily, a voice commanded them to halt. An older looking Goron was walking forward, staring with a mixture of shock and amusement. "I am Gor Coron, an elder of our people. I know you, Renado, but who and what are the rest of you?"

"Name's Diababa! Nice to meet ya."

"I am Goht."

Link nodded lightly, eye still darting between the six angry rock people at their sides. "Link."

Gor Coron put his hands on his hips, looking up and down at them. "I see. Because of certain circumstances, I must lead the Goron tribe in place of Darbus, our tribal patriarch. I will address your concerns today. Tell me, assorted monsters, why do you come?"

"Link has come to take a dangerous relic which may have found home on your mountain," Renado said. "I am here to see why you have become so hostile as of late."

"The mines beyond here are sacred to my tribe," Gor Coron said. "Outsiders are not allowed."

"Uh, sir, we didn't say anything about the mines," Link meekly said, trying to look as small as possible next to Diababa.

"He does this. It is best to let him finish," Renado whispered.

Gor Coron put up a friendly smile. "I could make an exception, but you would have to beat me in a contest of power. Are you willing to try?"

"No," Link calmly answered.

Goht's cold logic made short work of Link's rising hope, deflating his happiness in an instant. "Link, you told me during a conveniently cut scene that you were after a Fused Shadow. It's likely that there is a correlation between the evil presence up here and their chieftain's state of being. We should investigate further."

"LINK!" Diababa jumped in front of her. "We should check the mines. There might be a Fused Shadow in there on chief whatshisname!"

"I just said that," Goht snapped.

"I was thinking it first."

"And now, it's time to play: WHEEL... OF... MISTIMED BATTLE AND TRIAL!" Gor Coron had pulled out a large, wodden wheel with Link, Goht, and Diababa's faces drawn on it. "Who has to fight me? Only the wheel knows now!" He cranked the wheel, bouncing gleefully as it spun. Link crossed his fingers for Goht.

It stopped on our green garbed protagonist. "SHIT."

Gor Coron was already in the ring, a bag in his hands. "Get over here, tiny human, and take it like a man!"

"This is hauntingly familiar..."

The ring was significantly larger than Bo's, giving Link more room to run around and scream like a little girl once the stone man started chasing him. He climbed inside, slipped on the iron boots and took his spot opposite Gor Coron. The elder stared patiently. Link shifted uncomfortably. "Well? Take off your shirt!"

"What?"

"Do you plan to sumo wrestle or not? Take it off!"

Link slipped off his shirt.

"Your pants, too!"

He dropped his pants. "As long as I don't have to wear a diaper..."

Gor Coron leaned back, laughing jovially. "Of course not! However, you must wear this Goron kilt." He tossed a cloth to Link.

"That's a giant diaper."

"It's a Goron kilt! Now wear it!"

He slipped on the 'kilt'.

"Now let us oil each other up!"

As appealing as smashing his face into a wall felt at that moment, Link forced his body to assist Gor Coron. Soon they were shiny and slick, ready to start grappling and rubbing against each other. They stood at opposite ends, bowed, and began.

Link started by running to the side, frantically avoiding Gor Coron as fast as the iron boots would allow. "Link, you must trust in the boots," Renado advised from the sidelines.

Link ducked one of Gor Coron's palm thrusts. "I trust the boots to keep my feet sturdy. I don't trust them in stopping my face from caving in!"

In a twist of fate, Link was soon pinned against the edge of the ring with no means of quick escape. Gor Coron jerked forward, barrelling full force into him. Link just closed his eyes and pushed back.

When he realized that he wasn't dead, Link cracked an eyelid. Gor Coron was struggling, pushing with all his might to move Link even an inch. He didn't budge or squish like a bug either, both good signs. "Does not compute!" Goht screeched, sparks flying from her head. "Link should have broken in either the spine or knees, should not be winning! Error! ERROR!"

Renado was grinning.

Link shoved back, throwing Gor Coron off. "Thank you for the support!" The elder came at him again, but this time Link was ready. He ducked the initial attack and grabbed Gor Coron by the knees, using the rock man's own weight to throw him over his back and out of the ring. It took a moment for victory to sink in. "Sweet Din, I beat a Goron..."

-Meanwhile, in the Sacred Realm-

"Hear that bitches? I actually do stuff!" Din proudly proclaimed, laughing maniacally as her sisters sighed in exasperation. "Heh, those iron boots are the first of the Three Holy Objects I blessed the world with. The second is that list I gave to the postmen. The third is-"

"Din, we know," Farore interrupted, grabbing the boisterous goddess by the hair and shoving her teeth-first into the floor. "We really need a new presence around this place..."

-And back-

"Well done!" Gor Coron grunted, rising to his feet. "You have sharp eyes!"

"Wait, what?"

"Of course!" Diababa cried out in realization, bouncing like a child with a sugar high. "Link's keen eyes were what let him put the boots on the right feet, right?"

"Error! ERROR! Database H fully corrupted. Initiating contingency protocol." Goht kicked Link in the face.

"Before you go into the mines, I should tell you that patriarch Darbus is inside and he's been turned into an enormous flaming monster," Gor Coron explained.

"Just because his preferences are a bit different than yours doesn't mean you can call him a monster."

Link sighed, his head spinning and mind throbbing. "Diababa, can you go play patty cake in a corner for a bit?"

"Ha. I'm silly but I'm not stupid, Link."

"So you say..."

Gor Coron coughed loudly. "We have locked him up deep inside the mountain."

"Can you open it up for us?"

"No," the elder answered, smiling widely. "It will be a test of your wit and might."

"I have a super analytic robot and... Diababa. I think I'm set in both categories."

Gor Coron shifted, his smile dropping as he looked down at his feet. "We may have lost the key as well."

"Fantastic."

Link finished redressing, ignoring Majora's taunting of his 'choice' for leg wear, and looked over the entrance to the Goron Mines. A faint, instable glow could be seen in the depths, drawing a groan and headache. This would be searing hot, painful, and full of annoyance.

"_Now I know you think that skirt will give your crotch some nice convection in there, but is it really worth sacrificing your manliness over? Oh who am I kidding? You never had any manliness to begin with._"

At the first chance, that thing was going to be cast into the lava.

From the corner of his eye, Link noticed Renado approach him. "I must stay behind and talk with Gor Coron about the _six_ villagers his people crushed, five of which were _before_ the Gorons became hostile," it said, giving the elder a subtle evil-eye.

Gor Coron responded with a light shrug. "We sit on a mountain all day and eat rocks. There has to be some way to pass the time. It's their choice to wander up Death Mountain, just like it's my people's choice to blindly throw each other off the peak and bet on whether or not one of you humans gets hit."

"_My god that's hilarious. We're coming back here later._"

Link walked toward the mines. "I'm going in now. If you hear a short scream, I threw myself in the lava."

"_Also hilarious._"

* * *

><p><em>GASP! The voice was MAJORA! Who could have <em>ever_ seen _that_ plot twist of the ages coming? No one I say, NO ONE!_


	11. Lava is Hot

_ Now for another installation of "things that happened to me recently that you probably don't care about". Thanks to my school I got to go to DIG London (a gaming conference in London, Ontario for those who don't know), saw a presentation from Bioware, watched part of a panel, pretended to be interested in the Windows phone, then ended up playing Melee in the main room for over two hours. Whoopsie._

_Also, they were using the computer I use to showcase our school's video. Seeing as it lasted two days and I was only there for one, I had no computer at school today. Bah. _

_Anyway, I need to get back into the habit of writing these more regularly, otherwise gaps like this will occur more often, and that's no good. Today's mistake correctors get an imaginary copy of Disgaea 4 for the Game Boy Pocket. Only five copies, get them now!_

_Published November 17, 2011_

**Lava is Hot**

"Look at all that natural beauty. The flowing lava, the shining rocks, the luminescent spirit so purely reflecting- WHO PUT THIS HERE?" Diababa latched onto the metal, handmade bridge that was probably built to allow easy crossing of the huge amounts of lava. "What is this thing doing?"

"It is a matter of convenience," Goht explained. "Would you like to walk through molten lava every time you want to go ten feet forward?"

A thud alerted the two to Link's plight. "Hot," he wheezed, twitching on the rock face. "Go on without me, I'm going back. So... hot..."

With a laugh, Diababa pulled him up by the head and plopped him down on his feet. The poor teen dropped as soon as he was up. "You just need to adapt. Maybe take off your hat, it looks a bit hot."

They moved forward through the mines, simply smashing through the complex system of fences and switches that tried to halt their progress. This almost caused another gargantuan eruption which would have decimated all life within a one hundred kilometre radius, but that's a story for another day. It did not take long to enter a more open, less human killing area of the mines. A series of metal pathways jerked around the crater erratically, but the centre of attention was the gigantic magnet hanging high above them. "That looks like it could come in handy," Midna commented, grinning at Link. "Imagine hanging from that thing by those boots of yours."

"NO."

-Meanwhile, at the conglomerate of evil-

Zant bowed his head before his master, taking in a deep breath in preparation for his report. "It appears Eldin province has also fallen from our control. Only Lanayru remains."

"Eldin too? What were those scouts doing, playing with themselves while those asshole wrecked everything? Get them in here!"

With a wave of his hand, Zant summoned the six moblins to the throne room. "Explain yourselves to your lord," the King of Twilight commanded, staring the cowering pigs down through his steel helm.

One slightly less cowardly mook stepped forward, clearing its throat. "Your excellence, we have a very valid reason for not being at the border to stop the invaders," it whimpered pathetically. "You see, that reason is, well, the others and I were, um, for a lack of better words, playing with ourselves for about three hours and by the time-"

A ball of dark energy blasted the moblin through a nearby window and into an innocent darknut. "Was he telling the truth?" the new king of Hyrule snarled at his subordinates.

They frantically nodded.

"For Din's sake... Do I need to castrate the lot of you so it will never happen again?"

"No sir!" one cried out. "I like having my ding-dong, please don't cut it off..."

"That's what I thought. Now get out of here or I'll blow up a different head!" The five scurried away, tripping over each other until they were out of sight.

Zant sighed as the door slammed shut. "Idiots. If I may inquire, why didn't you kill any of them?"

"I'll just appoint the lot to the suicide squad. That way their desiccated corpses will actually provide some use."

"Ah, clever."

"It's a practiced art. I'm had time to refine my methods. Now how about a nice slice of cake, eh?"

"My answer stays the same."

-A few metres above the lava-

Link screamed as the thin rock he was latched onto teetered dangerously, rocking as though undecided on which path it would take to fall into the fiery ooze below. "Stay completely still," Diababa commanded from across the lava lake, frantically searching for some way to reach her friend.

Beside her, Goht frowned. "If only there was some sort of metallic, unnaturally placed platform we could _walk_ across to reach his side."

"Listen, if I wanted to let those filthy pieces of crap solve our problems then I wouldn't have smashed it while he was out there to begin with!"

"SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? WAIT, DON'T ANSWER, HEEEEELP!"

"_You should try to long jump this._"

"NO!"

After Link's miraculous escape, they moved on. The group performed some strategic platforming which brought Link within inches of having his face burned off, finding they found a small, cosy room containing a very old Goron when they were done. "What are you doing in here?" Link asked him.

"I eat other Gorons!" the elder replied with a smile. "You must be here to free Darbus. Here you go!" He handed the confused and disgusted Link part of a key. "Get all three and you can get to the place we left him chained up. He's tasty!"

But they were already gone.

-Later-

Link sighed in contentment, so glad that the last few rooms had been absent of searing lava. It was simply dark caves faintly lit by torchlight, populated by the occasional fire monster, giant centipede, and Ooccoo. Wait, Ooccoo? Didn't they kill her?

"Hello hello again! It's Ooccoo here to help you again."

Link pressed himself against the wall, pointing a shaky finger at the chicken person. "But, you, how, dead, fishy, dead, torn, how, WHAT?"

"I detect an increase in stress levels," their female bull analyzed.

"NO SHIT."

Ooccoo hopped in place, laughing jovially at his fear. "No no no, I cannot die until my mission is complete. And my mission is to help you."

"AH!" Link punted the chicken. She rebounded off of the roof and was sent spiralling into a lava pit, boiling in seconds.

His companions were a bit shocked to say the least. "Dude, you just murdered that thing," Diababa gasped. "It was sentient too!"

"It had to be a zombie!" the not-hero screamed, arms and legs shaking like a fly stuck in a spider web. "Gyorg killed that thing, I know he did! It can't be alive!"

"Chances of survival after being submerged in lava: zero," Goht stated.

"Absolute zero," Diababa added.

"Absolute zero is a theoretical measurement of temperature and not a numeric value."

"Bite me."

Midna sat on Link's head, watching them bicker. "As funny as watching them go at it like an old married couple is now, I get the feeling that the novelty will wear off soon. You should bridge the gap."

He tilted his head back, tipping her off. "I don't quite feel like jumping across the flaming rope bridge today."

Goht and Diababa continued to debate. "Your argument is flawed," the machine said. "How will trees save Christmas?"

"They're TREES, that's how!"

The tunnel looped around, bringing the ensemble back to the mountain crater. Diababa swept a few random Bokoblins into the lava, noticing that they were guarding some sort of switch. "_Look up_," Majora said specifically in Midna's head. The twili did so, a mischievous thought weaving into her mind.

"Link, press the switch." Shrugging, he pressed his foot down on it to no avail. "You'll have to use the iron boots." He slipped them on and clambered onto the button.

The magnet above him activated, sucking the poor teenager feet first to its surface. It began to move, circling the room at a steady pace. Naturally, Link reacted quite well to this sudden shift. "AHHHH! HELP! MIDNA YOU BITCH, I WILL SHANK YOU!" Midna and Majora were busy laughing.

The magnet slowly dragged Link over the open lava, stopping as if to torture the poor boy. He clung to his iron boots and closed his eyes, shouting even more obscenities at the others. The magnet moved again, stopping over top of a new area. "Now's your chance," Midna said, floating next to him. "You can drop down safely here."

"IT'S AT LEAST FIFTY FEET DOWN! THAT'S NOT SAFE!"

"_This is the part where you fall._"

As if pushed by an unseen force, Link's iron boots slipped off of the magnet and he plummeted to the hard steel below. There was plenty of screaming. It sounded like this: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-" Impact cut him off.

Midna went airborne, returning to the plant and machine. "Your turns."

"Denied." Goht's eyes glowed bright red. "My circuitry does not react well to magnetic fields. Errors are ninety-four percent likely to immediately occur."

Despite her protests, Diababa laughed and shoved Goht under the rotating magnet, grabbing onto her leg. "Don't worry, you'll be fine." They were pulled up.

"ZZZZUUUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGG. EERrorrorororororor five million million million and sixty-MILLION. WONDERBREAD. WONDERBREAD. WONDERBREAD. I AM MEGATRON, YOU WILL ALL BOW BEFORE MY WILL, INFERIOR BEINGS." They dropped down on the other side.

Then they had to use the second one.

"HUMAN WHELP, HOW DARE YOU LAY YOUR INFERIOR HANDS ON ME? I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA, THE MIDDLE AND THE INTERMISSION. ALL WHO SEE MY HANDS TURN TO SULPHUR."

-A few rooms later-

"Mm, hello there kiddies," the next Goron elder greeted, bowing his head respectfully. "What brings you so deep into our mines?"

"CONQUER. DESTROY. ALL LIFE SHALL BE UNDONE AND RECREATED IN MY IMAGE."

Everyone stepped away from Goht. "Ignore her," Link said. "There were some issues with magnets. We think it'll wear off eventually. In the meantime, we're here to get to Darbus and I think you have part of a key we'll need." He crossed his fingers that this Goron would be normal.

"Mmmm..." The Goron elder hobbled over to a nearby chest, pulling various items out of it. "Of course I do, of course! Here you go." They received the second part of the key. "Oh, that reminds me. The path to the last elder is extremely dangerous, so you might want to get this one sacred whatsit we hid somewhere that will really help. Tell the guard that you're allowed to have it."

"Get a something from somewhere," Majora summarized. "Got it."

"It's good that you do, disembodied voice. Well, you'd all best be off!"

Link froze. "Wait, you heard that too?"

The elder threw his head back, wheezing in a manner similar to laughter. "Of course I did! I'm old, blind, and no longer in control of my colon, but I'm not deaf."

"What's a colon?" Diababa asked, tilting all her heads and staring at Link questioningly.

"We're leaving now."

Having never received directions from the elder, the group wandered the mines aimlessly for about twenty minutes, eventually stumbling upon an enormous arena. A large, magnetic floor was suspended above a pit of lava by four flimsy chains. In the middle of the arena was a giant Goron, various pieces of metal and machinery melded to his body to form a twisted bulk of rock and steel. "Who're you?" the Goron demanded.

Midna popped out of Link's shadow. "Hi, we're local adventurers sent in to help Darbus. We've been told to get some sort of treasure and your cooperation would be appreciated."

Dangoro smashed himself over the head with a chunk of metal. "I dunno... Aren't you a human?"

"Hylian, actually."

"Oh, okay. The treasure's right behind me."

Link walked around Dangoro, finding a treasure chest perched in an alcove. "Why does everyone put their things in chests? What happened to shelves or pedestals?" Opening it, he retrieved the Hero's Bow.

"The pride of our people," Dangoro proclaimed, wiping a tear from his eye. "So beautiful..."

But Link was not impressed. "A wooden bow, really? I could have fletched this thing myself! We went through all this to get something I've made for fun in my spare time?"

Dangoro let out a booming laugh, grabbing his stomach. "And why are all the Gorons laughing at me today?"

"It's not just any bow, silly Hylian. The string was strung from the skin of a great hero!"

Link dropped the bow, barely stopping himself from shoving his palms in the lava. "WHAT?"

"That's hilarious!" Majora cackled, shaking around in Link's pack. "I like you people."

Dangoro hit himself over the head again. "We like ourselves too."

With that incident out of the way, Link could use his new bow to help them make even faster progress. At least he would be using it if it wasn't for the horrific secret that prevented him from even touching it. "Someone else can use it, but I am not holding that thing!"

"If it's useful, why not use it?" Diababa asked, fiddling with the bow using her bulbous 'hands'. "Your moral system is weird. Besides, maybe this hero willingly donated his skin for the bow."

"I doubt that."

"YOUR FLESH WILL BE MY CLOTHING, YOUR BONES MY WEAPONS, YOUR BLOOD MY AFTERNOON TEA."

She was making him uncomfortable. "Thank you Goht."

After dealing with a few angry Beamos Statues ("HOW DO THESE THINGS SHOOT LASERS?"), it barely took any time to find the final Goron elder hidden in a hole somewhere.

"Hello, I am the second Goron elder!" the shrivelled rock man exclaimed.

Link knew this was destined to go badly. Not a single cell in his body said otherwise, and yet, he knew that if someone had to do this it would be him. Taking a breath and ignoring Majora's cackling, he stepped forward. "Actually, you're the third elder we've run into."

"Fourth if you count the guy outside," the mask piped in.

"Yes, thank you."

The Goron elder was shocked, eyes wide and jaw almost dropping to the floor. "But, but, I'm the second! Why didn't you come to me earlier?"

"The hell's wrong with your jaw?"

"We didn't exactly have a set order in mind," Midna commented offhandedly. "Kinda just found you guys one by one and rolled with it."

"But I'm the second!" the elder insisted, somehow ignoring the fact that he was primarily debating a sentient mask and an otherworldly shadow. "Those others are in no way second or even third material. This is heresy I say, heresy!"

Link sighed to himself. "Can we move on?"

"No! I must-"

"YOU WILL RELINQUISH THE KEY OR BE OBLITERATED."

"Fine, fine, no need to get all obliterwhatsit." The elder handed him the final part of the key. "Now help our patriarch!"

Link held out all the key parts, staring down at them. "Do you have any adhesives?" The elder took the sections and shoved them in his mouth, moving them around for a second before spitting a completed key into Link's hands. "How the hell did that work?"

The old rock winked. "Secret Goron secret."

-After much more aimless wandering-

The assembled anti-heroes stood before the final door, already feeling the heat emanating from the beast behind it. Knowing it would be in his best interests to face this destiny of his own will, Link stepped forward and pushed the key into the great padlock. The second he twisted it dropped to the floor, chains sliding down with it. Diababa performed the honours of opening the door.

In the centre of the magnificent room was their goal, the warped Darbus. He had become an enormous monster, yanking at his chains and roaring constantly. An intense coat of flames blanketed his body, intensifying with every roar.

"FYRUS BREAK TINY METAL HOOPS!"

**Fyrus  
><strong>_Twilit Igniter  
><em>Likes: Political drama  
>Dislikes: Mind games<br>Greatest Accomplishment: Ate a rock the size of his head without chewing

Link just sighed. "Oh great, a dialogue quirk. That's original."

-Meanwhile-

"I, BARINADE, suddenly feel the need to defend my claim to fame!"

"We know you're fucking Barinade," his red fairy companion snapped. "Now shut up about it!"

"It's useless, trying to convince that one."

"That's because you're not forward enough ya ugly motherfucker. Just punch him in the throat every time he talks like that. Problem solved. In fact, we're initiating this program right now. Hear that Bari?"

"BARINADE understands but is unlikely to abide your pathetic attempts to cage him. NONE CAN STOP THE MIGHTY BARINADE!" Barinade smacked the red Twinmold when he attempted to follow through on his program. "I... AM... BARRICADE! Wait, NO! FUCK."

-With that pointless cameo out of the way-

"Oh? Fluffy, do we have visitors? You should have called me."

A serpentine dragon circled down a nearby column, his skin like lava and his mane quite literally made of fire. His tongue flicked his lips as the dragon took in the new company. The beast's eyes widened. "Link? No, you can't be him, especially since your head is still in one piece. Who _are_ you?"

"Um... I'm Link."

Volvagia blinked.

"Probably not the one you're thinking of."

"Ah, of course, that was stupid of me. Is that you, Goht? I haven't seen you in years. How've you been?"

A spark shot from Goht's head. "ALL LIFE SHALL BOW AT MY TOES OR I WILL EAT THEIR SPINES THROUGH A STRAW. I AM THE ALMIGHTY, THE ALL-KNOWING, THE ALPHA WHO WILL SEE TO IT THAT THE LOT OF YOU BURNS IN HELL. I AM MEGATRON."

Volvagia was understandably confused. "Did someone download again or am I missing something?"

"Magnets!" Diababa proudly exclaimed.

"...Ah. Magnets. Right. Who are _you_?"

"I'm Diababa, nice to meet you," the amalgamation between flora and fauna said, nodding her head kindly. "I'd kiss you but you look like I'd get set on fire due to proximity."

"...All right then." The dragon fully descended down the pillar, eyes darting between each member of their group. "So you're a different Link, you're Diababa, and Goht is insane. Is that everyone?"

Midna pulled herself up, lying down in midair. "Nope, of course not! Name's Midna. And you are?"

"Volvagia."

"Don't forget moi, friend."

"Hello mask," the dragon hissed. "Still getting around I see."

"The best in the business. So what have you been up to, buddy ol' pal?"

Volvagia's eyebrow twitched violently. "Where is that mask so I can set it on fire and laugh as it burns?"

"Oh, I'm inside Link. You'll need to kill him to get to me."

"WHAT?" Link darted behind Diababa. "LIES! IT'S LYING, DON'T KILL ME!"

"FYRUS WANT TO SEE MINISCULE HUMANOID ELF GO BURNING, HAHAHAHAHA!"

Volvagia retreated to his column, wrapping around it lazily. "I'm not that stupid. Its time will come. But for now, why are you here? I assume it has to do with Fluffy seeing as not even the Gorons know I'm here."

"FLUFFY- I mean FYRUS BREAK EVERYTHING INDISCRIMINATELY! Fyrus no like when he makes typo with words..."

"Fluffy?" Midna repeated disbelievingly. "That title thing said his name was Fyrus."

"I call him Fluffy. I think it's more suitable," Vovagia hissed, chuckling lightly.

Arguing wouldn't serve her any point. "Whatever. Yeah, we're here to get the Fused Shadow off of him. Any idea where it is?"

With another roar, Fyrus ripped one of the chains out of the opposite wall. Using this free hand, he yanked the other out, soon liberating his legs as well. Volvagia rolled his eyes. "No idea, but feel free to ask him. He's got nothing better to do."

"FYRUS CRUSH ALL OF YOU! RRRAAAAAAAHHHH!" The beast slashed his arm through the air, the chain whirling toward Link.

-And now for something completely the same: _another_ group of idiots-

Barinade poked Bongo Bongo on the shoulder with his hammer. Bongo Bongo sent him a glare, but gestured to continue. "BONGO BONGO, I, BARINADE, wish to know what one of those monsters is. It looks like it's related to you."

A horde of Shadow Beasts was slowly approaching the four of them. "No."

"The fuck are those things?" the red Twinmold scoffed. "Their hands are gigantic, it's sickening."

His blue sibling placed a hand on the red one's shoulder. "Brother, are you still going on about your hands? It's been over a century. Let it go..."

"NO!" Twinmold kicked Twinmold away, curling into a midair fetal position. "They're wretched and a bastardization of everything I stand for. I WANT MY SEGMENTS BACK!"

Bongo Bongo was already approaching the beings of twilight. "Hi, I'm here to represent my incompetent allies. Who are you all?"

"We're soldiers of the King of Twilight," the leading Shadow Beast answered with a thick New Zealand accent. "Here to provide an additional foothold in the region, ya see. Hope you don't mind."

"Be my guest. Just don't bug me."

"Can do. We live to serve."


	12. No Good Deed

_Well, those were some interesting weeks. Playing White Knight Chronicles 2, finished watching the Evangelion series plus End of Evangelion, drew the sharkmobile (this one makes sense in the context of my traditional arts class), and now I'm putting this up._

_Last weeks of the semester equals much work being done. But now that we're actually at the good dungeons, my play time will probably go up from here. __Also, I'm getting all of my wisdom teeth pulled on the 17th. I intend to use my drug addled mind to its fullest extent on the following days to make what will surely be a chapter of the ages._

_Published December 4, 2011_

**No Good Deed**

"YOU SHALL NOT STAND IN THE WAY OF... of... Urgh..." Goht winced violently, eyes running through a plethora of colours before settling on the natural tint. "I _told_ you errors would occur!" she shouted at Diababa, stepping forward. "This is why habble HABBLE HABBLE HABBLE HABBLEHABBLEHABBLE..." The next magnetic floor was just as kind as the last.

Fyrus took the opportunity to shoulder-check the robot. He turned, wrapping a chain around Diababa's face and hurling her across the room.

"What are you people doing?" Volvagia hissed irately. "Are you going to fight back?"

Link ducked under a second chain, barely managing this due to his lack of depth perception. "HOW?" As Diababa flew over him the bow slipped from her grip, falling at his feet. "You can't be serious..."

"Who are you addressing that to?" Midna asked, sitting on his shoulder. "Oh, by the way, he's coming back."

Link abandoned the bow and ran for it, dodging a stomp from Fyrus on his way, and hid behind a stone column. Once Fyrus broke the pillar in half, he decided to just keep moving. "RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING! DRAGON GUY, HELP!"

Volvagia tapped his chin, contemplating to himself. "Mm... no."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"I just got my hair how I want it. He'd mess it up."

"You do have nice hair." Midna began to stroke the mane of fire.

He swatted her shadow away, snarling. "No one touches my hair!"

"Geez, no need to get so snippy about it."

Diababa slid over to the two of them. "Hair's pretty overrated, really. It only looks good when it's covering your whole body, like with wolves or deer. You things that just have one patch are so-"

Link screamed, very high pitched mind you, as one of Fyrus's chains tripped him. The fire giant took this opportunity to grab the not-hero by his arms and start whacking him off the wall repeatedly. "You become tenderized for Fyrus consumption!"

"If I had more power right now, I'd probably help you," Majora casually said to the teen. "But I don't. So I won't. It was fun while it lasted."

Fyrus stopped flattening Link, holding him up to his eye. "Where does strange voice come from? Fyrus hear but not able to achieve visual connection..."

"Hello Fyrus, this is the voice of the gods, er, goddesses... I don't know what you people worship. Take your pick. Anyway, it's really busy being a supreme being and all that, but I'll always have time to check up on my favourite fire retard. How are you?"

"Uh, Fyrus do good."

"Wonderful, wonderful. So, I was wondering if you could put the kid down for now. I kinda need him at the moment, greater plan and all, and it would be super if you didn't kill him."

"All right, voice of goddess! Fyrus will not harm puny nincompoop." The monster softly put Link on the ground, patting him on the head. Link screamed as his skull was made into a ping pong ball between the fire beast's hand and the floor. "Fyrus listen to super voice. Fyrus do good?"

"Fyrus do good, yes."

"How... intriguing," Volvagia hissed, snakelike tongue flicking through the air. "He doesn't even listen to me like that." The serpent took on a satisfied smirk that instilled a sense of dread into everyone around him. "That means he's your burden now, all right? Remember to feed him three times a day, and make sure it's very large quantities. I haven't tested this theory yet, but I assume one Goron will keep him sated for a full day."

Diababa blinked. "Wouldn't that be cannibalism?"

"What's your point?"

"This is all fantastic!" Midna clapped them both on the shoulder, her smile far too wide. "Now someone go grab the Fused Shadow off of him already."

Diababa bounced in place, eye wide with glee. "I'll do it! RAAAAAAAAAAAH!" She tackled Fyrus to the ground, ignoring the flames that ate at her skin, and bashed his face off the floor over and over.

Fyrus rolled forward from his prone position, launching the plant up off of him. "Fyrus no like you!"

His foe cracked her non-existent bones, standing tall. "That's a shame, because I definitely like you!"

"Then Fyrus like you too."

"I'm glad we agree. Meeting new people, WOO-HOO!" She gave him a kiss that almost enveloped his whole head.

"FYRUS FEEL LIKE FACE BEING EATEN!"

"Whoops, that must've been my acid. It must have come back."

"ACID?" Link slipped, failing to stand up. "YOU HAVE ACID IN YOUR MOUTH? YOU COULD'VE KILLED ME! _TWICE!_"

"Three times actually."

"WHAT?"

"Oh well, no harm done. Slipped my mind, eh heh. I'll make sure to check next time."

"THERE WON'T BE A NEXT TIME!" Diababa sucked the acid off of her main bulb, eye-smiling down at him. "NO. NO, GET BACK! GET BACK!"

Midna floated back, taking it all in. Link was trying in vain to get Diababa away, Goht was twitching in a corner, Fyrus was gnawing on a chain, and there she was hovering next to Volvagia. "You want to get me the Fused Shadow?"

"Little girl, if I wanted to do anything it would already be done."

Off to the side, the female bull's eyes flashed. "Reboot complete. Pain modulators: compressing circuits. Residue carbons: draining ninety-eight percent complete. Unit online. I am back, what have I missed?"

Midna gestured toward the content fire giant. "Get me the Fused Shadow."

As per usual, Goht evaluated the situation. Seeing that the monster was not on the magnetic floor, she proceeded to ram him in the back of the knees. Fyrus wobbled, the chain falling from his mouth and crashing down on Goht's back. "Error 2.22: damage has exceeded ninety-eight percent of working limits. Restarting program." Playing a mellow jingle, she dropped again.

"Fantastic."

His attention divided, Fyrus caught sight of Diababa chasing Link around. "HEY! You no hurt little baby man! Fyrus protect!" He ran forward, using his full weight to slam Diababa into the wall.

"And they're at it again," Volvagia hissed, rolling his eyes. "This was funny at first but now it's just repetitive. I'm going to pester some of those Gorons outside. Will they miss their elders?"

"Probably not."

The dragon's shoulders drooped. "Oh well, it'll at least confuse them." He unwrapped from the pillar, flying out the open door and out of sight.

After a few more scuffles, the conflict finally died down. Midna negotiated with Majora, asking the mask to get Fyrus in a cooperative mood for them. "I will, but you owe me a favour down the line," it responded, giggling wildly. Midna's eyebrows rose, but she shrugged nonchalantly, agreeing to its term.

Link hesitantly plucked the evil relic off of Fyrus's unlit head, quickly moving back. "That's it?"

"That's it," Midna confirmed. "Two down, one more to go!"

The not-hero was distracted by the drooling fire monster that was busy staring at him. "So... shouldn't he turn back or something like that?"

"Why would he?" the twili absently queried, inspecting her nails.

"Oh, well, uh, I thought..."

Link screamed mid-sentence as Diababa crashed in front of him, eye inches from his. "You thought WROOOOOONG. Have a nice day."

-Outside-

"It is good that we managed to work all that out," Renado said, smiling up at Gor Coron.

"Completely excellent!" the elder laughed. "And both of us got exactly what we wanted."

"With no detriments to either side."

"What a perfect resolution to this issue."

"Fyrus no like puny door! Fyrus rectify issue by manufacturing larger door!"

"WHAT? NO YOU IDIOT, DON'T!"

The wall behind them exploded, raining death and debris down on the unfortunate peoples. As the smoke cleared, the residents gained sight of the hulking and smiling Fyrus. "Hello."

Panic quickly ensued.

After that was dealt with, everyone present gathered to further ponder on the current situation. Many still sent Fyrus wary glances every few seconds, jerking their heads away whenever he smiled at them. Diababa sat off to the side during this meeting, mocking the barely conscious Goht as she repaired. The machine was annoyed, to say the least.

"So you say there is no way to return chief Darbus to his original form?" Gor Coron asked.

Link shook his head sadly. "Not that we know of."

"RAAAH!" Everyone jumped when the whole room shook, dust falling from the ceiling. Fyrus was punching at a bird that snuck in, missing every time.

"It pains me to see our great leader in such a state," Gor Coron whispered, still too scared to talk at full volume. "I suppose he's yours now then."

"Yeah... WHAT?"

The Goron elder roughly slapped Link's back, laughing like a madman. "Don't worry, my one eyed friend! I'm sure he'll grow on you."

"I DON'T HAVE ONE EYE! NOR AM I YOUR FRIEND! AND I DON'T WANT HIM!"

The rock man's smile was unnerving Link. "We'll let him decide. Oh Fyrus, who do you want to live with? Me, or Link?"

"Fyrus prefer puny green man to former associate. Me confident in your leadership skills during my absence."

Link fell to his knees, feeling faint. "No..."

"YES!" Fyrus roared, dancing in place.

"**NOOOOOOO**!"

-Shortly thereafter-

Fyrus was adjusting well to the group. By the time they reached the foot of the mountain, he had stepped on Link twice and almost buried them in a landslide. It was an accident, of course, but that didn't stop the resentment.

"Fyrus sorry."

Link rubbed his temples, ignoring the violent twitching. "Fyrus, I'm going to teach you about pronouns. When you're talking about yourself, you use 'I' and 'my'. Instead of saying 'Fyrus sorry' you say 'I'm sorry'."

The giant smacked himself in the jaw. "Fyrus confused already!"

Midna sighed overdramatically, shaking her head. "And to think you'll all be fighting Zant..."

Link clung onto a chance to escape from a conversation with Fyrus. "So what's this Zant guy like anyway?"

"He's a selfish bastard," Midna shrugged. "He calls himself the king of twilight, but he's no king to me. I don't even capitalize his title when I say it. He also has no sense of humour or a single social skill in his bones. The guy's a creep, and that's all that matters."

"A creep like me?" their disembodied voice piped in.

"Not as much as you."

An unexpected face greeted them at the bottom of the mountain. Colin Vengeanceson stared blankly into the distance, not even shifting his eyes to acknowledge their presence. Link glanced awkwardly between his compatriots, eventually approaching the child. "Colin?"

"...Hi."

"Um, are you okay?"

"...Yes."

There was a brief silence.

"If you don't mind me asking, how are you still alive?"

"...I'm not."

"Eh?"

"...That incident killed me inside."

Link blinked. "Really?" He didn't seem any different from normal.

"...Yes. I have seen the deepest depths of the darkness."

"I see." He started to back up.

"...And I rolled when I hit the ground."

"Ah, right, right, the unfailing method of avoiding fall damage. I'm going to, you know, go now. We got a new guy and I need to show him around."

"...Revenge is inevitable."

"Mhm."

"Kid," Link's mask spoke up, "if you want revenge I recommend hitting him where it hurts. I don't mean the junk, I mean emotional damage. Destroy everything that means anything to him, mentally cripple him. Once you've done that, don't move in for the killing blow quite yet. The suffering's only just begun, heh, it's time for torture!"

"O-KAY!" Link swung the pack containing Majora over his shoulder, smashing the mask off his shield. "I think we've reached the end of this conversation."

Majora was undeterred. "If you need any advice, you know where to find me!"

"...Thank you." The worst part was that Link could see a gleam in the child's eye. Sighing, he trudged over to the village.

"NO!" Diababa shouted, latching onto Fyrus. The fire giant was reaching toward the wooden bomb shop, and did I mention he's covered in fire?

All was normal with the group of weirdos.

"Oh, Limp my boy, you're back!" Eldin rose from the Kakariko spring, shining brilliantly. "I was talking with Faron and we agreed to send you north, into Eldin province so you can help that useless bird thing. Really, what sort of animal is that guy supposed to be?"

Another spirit appeared, kicking Eldin out of the way. "Go north into Lanayru province," Faron said. "You will find the last piece of the puzzle you seem set to complete, as well as an old friend who you seek."

"Oh hello Faron, I was just talking to you about Link!"

"Farewell." The forest spirit quickly vanquished. Eldin followed, intent on continuing the painful conversation.

"The spirits who watch us make me die inside every day," Renado sighed, stepping toward its house. For a moment, Link considered asking what gender the thing was, but decided against it.

"Oh come on. Speak your mind, don't go through life being so reserved, damn pansy," Majora chided, shaking around in his pack.

"I never thought I'd hear legitimate advice from you of all things."

"Hey, I can be legit whenever I want."

"You want me to get hurt, don't you?"

"Broken beyond repair, yes. There's an overarching plan you know."

"Thought so. So what gender are _you_ supposed to be, oh mighty Majora?"

"I'm a mask made of invincible wood, indestructible paint, and insurmountable evil. It's a bit difficult to assign a sex to that."

Link was about to concede when Goht approached them. "Twenty-four years ago, a debate on your gender occurred. The result was a six to four majority toward female."

"I'm a _mask_," Majora stressed, sighing. "Why can't you people-"

"VOICE OF GODDESSES IS FEMALE, FYRUS KNOWS IT!"

"It makes sense," Link said, making sure to tie his pack closed as tightly as he could. "She does seem to be on a constant period if you ask me."

The mask laughed dryly. "Really, if you think you can get to me with my own methods then you're a lot more green than I thought. But seriously, _I'm a mask! _Do you people give a gender to your chairs? Actually, don't answer that. The fewer words you inflict upon the ears of the world, the better."


	13. Goes Unforgotten

_Okay, so update on the anesthetic chapter: could not happen. After getting my wisdom teeth sawed out I was basically back to level headed normality by the time I got home. Yes, they gave me some_ very_ intense painkillers in case (as in "wow, those could keep a guy out for days with just one pill"), but I never had to use them because, well, the pain was mild to annoying at most. From there I had to lie on my back for eight hours switching an ice pack between sides of my face so I couldn't get much writing or playing done, and coupled with the pain and the fact that my tongue's still a little swollen I was not in a good mood to write anything comedic._

_In Twilight Princess news, I hated playing this part. It was just so boring. Then came the part where I had to melt Zora's Domain and I was forced to pull out my strategy guide after a while because the existence of one really hot rock was completely forgotten since it was just a rock. Then I decided to put on very mood inappropriate music and write most of this through my night shift. I'd say it worked out._

_Now if you see any mistakes, I demand that they be pointed out. I'm fairly certain I got them all but with something this lengthy it's not a long shot that one or two slipped by. You will be handsomely rewarded with imaginary drugs. Lots of imaginary drugs. _

_Published December 21, 2011_

**Goes Unforgotten**

"OH MY GOD HE'S EATING US!"

The serpentine dragon rolled his eyes at his next meal. "Now you're being melodramatic."

"What are you doing?" Goht asked, pulling Volvagia out of his Goron massacre.

The dragon smiled brightly, biting down on the Goron. "I'm having a good time. Is there something wrong with this?"

As her sarcasm drivers were updated last week, Goht decided to not dignify that with a response.

-Meanwhile-

"LIIINK!"

The golden wolf jogged up to the group, plopping down in front of the not-hero with his tongue hanging out. "Oh, it's you," Link stated dully.

The wolf nodded energetically. "Yup! And I'm here to teach you a new sword move that only involves your shield. Want to know it?"

"Uh, who's this?" Diababa asked, poking the wolf in the head.

"I'm just your friendly neighbourhood ancient hero who takes corporeal form in the body of a glowing wolf. Now let's do this!" He jumped at Link, biting into his neck. Link dropped, screaming in agony as the blood fired from him like a geyser. "Oops, forgot the magic. Let's try that again." He jumped on Link for a second time and on this take they actually disappeared.

They were alone, the wolf once again taking the form of the hero's shade. "This time you get to learn how to smack people with your shield!"

"That doesn't sound very complicated."

"It is not, but it's the perfect set up for another technique."

"Can I just learn that one?"

"Nope!" The shade bashed Link across the face with his shield. "Now hit me." He shoved his wooden plank in the undead's face, barely budging the skeleton. "You call that a hit?"

"Yes!" Link put both hands behind it, shoving the shade with all his might. He shifted a few inches.

"No, no, all wrong! You have to knock me on my ass!"

"RAH!" Link dove at him, bashing the shield against the shade's face over and over.

-In the real world-

Link reappeared just in time to shatter his shield on Fyrus's shin. "Puny wooden thing no good against Fyrus!"

"Shit."

Now that Link was barely armed, they continued on to the last wall of twilight. It was a long, arduous journey. A battalion of Bulblins and Bokoblins stood between the heroes and their objective, throwing everything they had in a vain attempt to cease progress. But it was all for naught, as the determination of the heroes was simply too powerful for any physical force to stop. They marched on, vanquishing all in their path.

That's what Diababa would tell anyone who asked. Instead, they climbed onto the nearby cliffs and walked around the horde of baddies. "That made this much easier," Midna said. "I'm surprised they don't have anyone up here."

"Their brains are the size of my fist," Link said. "I'm surprised they even know how to hold a weapon."

Eventually, they reached the dark wall. The shadowy imp floated over and disappeared inside just like with the other two. "Just one more to go," said her voice from within. "So I guess this is the last of the twilight you'll see."

"YES! Then I can go home, right?"

"Of course not," Majora scoffed. "This is basically the first act of the story. Once all this is out of the way it's time for the real meat, and then there's the final showdowns to deal with. You're barely a quarter of the way done at _most_, heh heh heh!"

"You're the best at cheering people up, aren't-" A giant hand shot out of twilight, pulling Link and Majora inside.

Fyrus turned to Diababa. "Now what do?"

"I usually go grab something to eat, and by the time I get back they're done."

"Fyrus like eating food!"

"Ah, but you've never eaten the _best_ food, the food you can only find walking through the meadows of Hyrule. It's time for you to learn, my friend, what true tastiness is!"

"YAY!"

Inside the twilight, Link turned into a wolf again. "I'm so glad I'll never have to go through this after today. I hate being a dog."

"But you're so fluffy and cuddly!" Midna started scratching him behind the ears.

He shook her off. "Don't do that! Let's just find those bugs and get this over with, okay?"

Link took off, running down the trail. He ignored the twilight powered bats that tried to pester him, focusing purely on the task at hand. After a few minutes of travel he noticed something brown and rectangular dropped in the middle of the pathway, its position surrounded by dozens of small footprints. Looking closely, it was recognized as the satchel that Ilia usually wore. "So she's around here," he said, sighing. "I knew the day would come when our paths would meet again. I just hoped there would be more time."

"Drama queen."

"Shut up. You're a mask."

"What a sharp comeback, pirate-wolf."

"I'm not a pirate!"

"Ah, but that's how you insult someone. Say something that hits home. Calling me a mask when I'm quite satisfied with that fact isn't going to piss me off. Calling you a cripple because you bashed your face on a table trying to hurt me only brings up bad memories, doesn't it?"

Seeing as he had no leads, Link decided that following Ilia's scent was the only thing he could do. With this terrifying fact in mind he reluctantly pursued the trail, crying inside the whole time. He ran past an army of trumpet headed birds, twilight Bulblins and giant bats, eventually being led to Hyrule Castle Town by the smell.

"Hm, that castle looks familiar, doesn't it?" Midna laughed, ruffling his fur.

Link's ears drooped as he trudged into town, spirits walking aimlessly all around him. "This isn't how this is supposed to be at all. I should be the young, muscular farm boy who all the hot rich girls ogle over."

"Don't be silly," his twili companion said. "What would you rather be doing: going on a life threatening journey to save the world or living in luxury?"

"I want luxury..."

She giggled. "Too bad."

The trail led into one of the back alleys of the town, going up and down every street unnecessarily only to disappear inside a large, well kept bar. Ilia's spirit was there of course, as were the spirits of several other individuals. Ilia and an older woman stood over an unconscious fish-kid, whispering to each other.

"I just now sent for the doctor," the woman said. "But this is strange, a child of the Zoras all the way down here..."

"Hey, Link," Majora piped in. "You should gnaw on her ankle. Let the bitch know who's the top dog in this relationship."

"Will you shut up already?"

Link attempted to continue listening to the woman and Ilia's conversation, but it eventually dissolved into a bunch of nothing that lost all interest to Link. They went off on about how young the kid was and how he shouldn't have to be suffering just because of that, so Link decided to start looking for the next light spirit.

-Lake Hylia-

"Why is this bridge covered in oil?" Link sniffed the surface of the large bridge over what little remained of the lake, noticing that the black liquid all over the stone.

"Looks like an obvious trap," Midna said. "Now what, Mr. Hero?"

Link hopped onto the railing of the bridge, walking along the wide ledge. "Now we don't stand in the oil."

Then a trumpet bird swooped down and smacked him off the bridge. Fortunately, there was a large pool of water waiting for him to fall into at the bottom. Unfortunately, this water was about one hundred and fifty metres below him, resulting in most of his bones breaking on impact. "Suck it up and walk it off," Majora told him.

"I CAN'T SUCK _OR_ WALK! SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME, OH GOD THIS HURTS..."

Midna pulled him to his feet, slapping the wolf across the face with her giant hair hand. She then shoved several hearts into his mouth. "There, good as new. Now let's get going. We should go investigate Zora's Domain up that dried up river."

"How are we supposed to get up there?" Link coughed, gagging on the healing organs.

She just smiled.

-Outside the twilight-

"And that's how you catch a Bokoblin. Your turn, show me what you're made of!"

"Fyrus is made of fire! RAH!" Fyrus ran at the group of absent minded Bokoblins, crushing all of them in his charge. He then continued to run, disappearing from Diababa's sight.

"I don't think he got the point..."

"Fyrus trample puny rock people!"

-Back with Link-

If he were currently capable, Link would express all of his hatred for Midna, Majora, and everything else in the world. He wasn't sure how he would do this, whether it would be more satisfying to rip them a new one with words or physical violence, but either would work.

At the moment, he was preoccupied with not falling to his death again. Midna's brilliant idea of reach Zora's Domain consisted of climbing the dried up, near vertical river with his bare paws. Midna floated just below him, making great use of her hovering abilities to taunt him into continuing. "Put your knees into it! No, that rock's going to break off the second you grab onto it, stupid! Now this is just embarrassing. Majora, you feel like taking over?"

"With pleasure. Link, have you ever been split down the middle by a giant laser shooting sword before? Because I have, and it is not fun. Sure, I was trying to crush the world with the moon but that's no excuse. I'm glad that-"

"I... AM BARINADE! This pathetic slope is no match for the likes of ME!"

The spirit of Barinade crawled up the rock wall next to Link, mocking the inanimate stone the whole time. Bongo Bongo and the Twinmold fairies floated up after him, looking bored out of their minds. They all disappeared over the next ledge.

"That was eventful," Midna stated. "Now back to work."

Three hours later, Link emerged over the final cliff of the river. He was at the top, in the icy hellhole known as Zora's Domain. "Zora's Domain is frozen _again_?" Majora sighed. "How derivative."

"What are you talking about?" Link asked, glaring at his pack.

"Things far too intense for your tiny brain to pick up on. Just keep going, wolfie."

Sadly, with Zora's Domain in its frozen state, Link was forced to spend another thirty minutes climbing to the top because of the lack of pathways. "Why do the fish people put all the important stuff so far out of water?" he groaned, once again reaching the apex of the obstacle.

"Foolish monsters, this is what happens when you challenge the unstoppable killing machine known as BARINADE!"

"But we didn't challenge OH MY GOD STOP IT!"

Up top, the spirit Barinade was having plenty of fun massacring the Shadow Beasts that would have proved annoying to Link and co. "So much for neutrality," Bongo Bongo sighed, shaking his head.

"Oh boy, I can't wait until he gets a look at you in human form," Majora cackled, shaking eagerly in Link's bag. "Hurry up and get all those light bugs or whatever."

"We haven't even found the light spirit yet..."

"Right, right, go do that!"

"Why are all the Zoras frozen down there?" Bongo Bongo asked, rapping his knuckles on the sheet of ice. True to his word, the whole block of ice was full of fish-men.

"Whoa," Midna gasped. "That's... a lot of Zoras."

"The correct plural is Zorae," Majora chimed.

"They are frozen because I, BARINADE, have yet to assist them!" Barinade brought up the Megaton Hammer, laughing maniacally.

Link slowly started to back up. "This does not bode well..."

But he was not fast enough. The electrically charged anemone brought the hammer down, bashing the ice over and over. In just a few hits it shattered to release a torrent of ice cold water and fish-men. Link and the Zoras screamed as the current immediately fired them all downstream, giant icy chunks bashing them around like ping pong balls. "THIS IS A TERRIBLE-" A ball of ice bounced off Link's face, silencing his catch phrase.

"HAHAHA! NO ICE CAN STAND THE METAL OF BARINADE!" Barinade seemed content to be washed away with them.

"This is why we don't bring him places," Bongo Bongo muttered.

"Among other reasons," the blue Twinmold added.

"Like the time he tried to solve poverty by killing half of the starving children and feeding them to the other half," his red brother laughed. "Oh boy, that was hilarious."

The spirit of a very human looking Zora appeared, confused. "Hello? Is the person who freed my people here?"

"Long gone," Midna said. "Got washed away. If you listen really hard, you can still hear him laughing."

"Oh... If you see him again, could you ask him to find my son Ralis, he should be in the Hyrule Castle area, and make sure he was able to get there okay?"

"We found him dying in a bar," Midna happily told her. "Does that count?"

"No. No it doesn't..."

After a long, painful trip, Link washed up on the shore of Lake Hylia conveniently next to the last light spirit's spring. He pulled himself out of the freezing water, ignoring the hypothermia setting in, and trudged into the cave. As usual, a giant ball of light sat where it should have been. "Hey," Link grunted. "You're Lanayru, right?"

"Yes. Are you all right? You look... beat up."

"Never better. Can I have the magical bug catcher now? I want to get this over with."

"Yeah, one second. I'm sure you know what to do at this point, so I'll let you get right to it as soon as I find this thing... Here we are!"

The storage device floated from Lanayru, placing itself in front of Link. He snagged it, reluctantly beginning his hunt. The third and final search began with as much enthusiasm as the last two: none.

-Sometime later-

"Heeey."

"Noooo."

"Come ooooon."

"Noooo. Oooo."

The golden wolf ran in front of Link, sitting down and smiling widely. "You know you waaaaanna."

"No I don't."

"Come on, just one quick howling session..."

"NO."

"It'll be great! I know the perfect song. I learned it from a skeleton ghost in a canyon a while back, and it's so catchy."

"What do I have to do to convince you that I never want to do this?"

"You can't."

"...Look, something shiny."

"OOO, SHINY!" The wolf ran at a light bug, tearing it to shreds. Link scooped up the tear it dropped, sending his blood hound after the next. This had proven to be the most effective method of gathering the energies.

Sadly, it did nothing to keep the golden wolf quiet. "I remember coming up the Zora's River way back when, and boy have things changed! For one, it's on the other side of the country now. I have no clue how that happened, probably global warming, but man is it weird! There was also a really fat Zora who couldn't even move more than an inch without strenuous effort. I liked him! It's a shame he died when he mweeped too far and fell onto a dry patch of land. He died of dehydration two days later. It was really, really sad. There's no funny ending to this story."

"That is pretty dark."

"On the other hand, his daughter was psycho! Did you know that she was in love with a female fairy?"

"Really?"

"None of us wanted to call it love though. The way she talked about it made her sound like a creepy stalker. Then they got married."

"Wait, what?"

"I think. I may have started to make up my own reality when I died. It's still hard to tell."

"Interesting... Hey, Majora, I'm surprised you've been quiet this long. Is something horribly wrong?"

"No, no, I'm just holding back insurmountable rage right now. You may continue with your pointless conversation."

After a lot more killing, only one tear of light was missing. Seeing as they had scoured the whole area, including Castle Town, Link was very confused as to how they had missed one of those fluorescent monsters. "Back to the start I guess." The wolves hopped into the river, letting the stream take them back to Lake Hylia on a voyage that was much less painful than the last.

That was where they found the last bug swollen to about a hundred times its normal size. It easily dwarfed both canines, barely looking like it could hold itself up with how bloated its body was. "WHAT THE FUCK?" Link screamed, trying to back as far away as he could. "THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL! GET IT AWAY!"

"Ew," the golden wolf said, cringing at the bloat. "That thing could give Uglo Buglo a run for his money."

In the world of light, Bongo Bongo's hands ached for the feeling of crushed flesh.

Back in the twilight, Link jumped from one sheet of wood to another as the bloat tried to ram him with its electrically charged body. He had to stay out of the water or it would just shock him.

"This is where all my teachings come back to help you," the golden wolf cheered from the sidelines. "Remember what you've learned..."

"I'VE LEARNED HOW TO FIGHT AS A PERSON, NOT A DOG!"

"Wolf. You're a _wolf_."

The bloat took a moment to breathe, giving Link some thinking time. In this thinking time he leapt onto its face, biting as much flesh as he could fit in his mouth. It screeched, swaying nauseatingly through the air until throwing him back down. "Good job," Majora cackled. "You really showed that one who's the boss."

Link climbed out of the water, watching the bloat fly closer. "I don't see you doing any better."

"Oh, but I did. Do you see the eye it's missing? That was me when you weren't looking."

Link hopped to the side, narrowly avoiding an electrical sweep by the monster. He waited again, planning to repeat the stratagem of jumping up and gnawing the shit out of it whenever it got tired. It worked once after all.

Just then, Midna finally located the polymorph. "So this is where you've been this whole time. What did I say about holy shit what is that supposed to be?"

"Last evil bug in the world. Needs to die."

"You don't need to tell me twice. Get on it!"

Having never learned, the bloat turned off its electricity so it could hover in place and regain energy. Link acted immediately, lunging onto it and ripping whatever he could get his teeth around. The bug faltered, crying out as it crashed down on one of the wooden platforms Link had made into a makeshift battle arena. As it fell, it happened to catch the not-hero between its body and the wood. This hurt.

It rolled into the water belly first, drowning soon after. "You did it!" the golden wolf shouted, jumping into the air. "Good job! You're the wolf-man! I always believed in you!"

Majora groaned. "Why does he still exist?"

Link slowly forced himself to his feet. He ignored everything except his objective, making a beeline for a final blue tear. This was the last time he would ever have to collect these useless trinkets...

-Meanwhile-

Zant waited in his master's throne room, tapping his fingers impatiently as he waited for the man to return from his outing. He had been gone for hours.

The twili's urges were satisfied when his boss entered the chamber decked in a new suit of armour. "Well? How's it look?" he asked, holding out his arms and grinning. "I've been waiting to spend that birthday money for a hundred years."

"It looks fine. My lord, we've received reports that the twilight in Lanayru is beginning to weaken. I fear that they have already begun reassembling the light spirit."

Shrugging, the man plopped down in his throne. "It's no matter. Send some beasts to claim Ordona."

"My lord?"

"Lightning can strike twice, my dear pupil. You just need to time it right when it can be the most painful. This time is now."


	14. Lesser of Two Evils

_The last few chapters sure have been longer than average, eh? _

_And I love time and a half holiday pay. That is all today._

_Published December 27, 2011_

**Lesser of Two Evils**

"I think I'll duck out for a bit," Midna giggled, slipping into Link's shadow. "You know I'm not a big fan of the light. See you later!"

He only got a few seconds of peace. "I don't think you need this anymore." A tendril slipped out of Link's pack, yanking the eye patch off just when Lanayru rose in a pillar of light. Link screamed as his sensitive eye was bombarded by the brilliance. Majora laughed. "I've been waiting to do that for hours."

"SON OF A BITCH!"

"Now what did I say about hitting home with insults?"

Lanayru took the form on an enormous serpent, holding its ball of light within its great mouth. It rose before Link, its luminescence healing all wounds of flesh. "Thank you, hero, for returning the last of the light to this land. Your quest is nearly over."

"YES!" Link pumped his fist into the air energetically.

Lanayru slowly nodded. "Yes indeed. I am impressed by your determination. May I have your name so that I can call you more than 'hero' for the duration of our conversation?"

"I'm Link."

"And I'm Majora," the mask interjected.

"And I, big snake man, have been dubbed by my parents with the forename of BARINADE."

Lanayru paused, tilting his head to peek around behind Link and Majora. A large, three legged mass of flesh stood one long tentacle behind him, using his other two to blast electricity dramatically into the air. "Yes you are."

"I get the feeling that you're the sensible spirit," Link said, scooting away from Bariande.

"I like to think that way. Now Barinade, before you go into some sort of insane babbling tangent like your type tends to do, please let me get my speech out of the way first. I have a few things to tell Link."

Barinade plopped down and pulled out a deck of cards, laying out a game of Solitaire. "I shall allow this!"

"Thank you. Link, you seek the final piece of the Fused Shadow, yes?"

Link shrugged. "Midna wants it. I want to go home and lie down for a few weeks."

"Good enough. I have something to tell you that I never want you to forget. I would try to use a moderately eerie visual medium to work at burning it in, but instead **I will talk in a voice that will scar you to the soul.**"

Link whimpered, cowering as far from the being of light as he could without being near Barinade.

"**A forbidden power has been locked away at the will of the goddesses we spirits serve. It- **hleck!" Lanayru broke into a coughing fit, its tail bashing off the cave wall and almost causing a collapse. "Okay, that hurts my throat. I'm not doing it anymore."

"Thank Din..."

"Long ago, when the world was but chaos, the goddesses descended and gave order to the ruined world. They granted power equally to all who lived in the world's light and then returned to the heavens when their duty was done. The lands where the goddesses descended came to be known as the Sacred Realm."

-Meanwhile, in the heavens-

Nayru sighed. "I'm starting to think that we need to drop an exposition manual in front of every new hero. I don't want to have someone explain the background every single adventure."

"Agreed," Farore said, nodding. "I'll get Din on it once she finishes setting your possessions on fire."

"Wait, what?"

-Back with Link-

"To summarize, people heard of the Triforce, got greedy and started killing each other for just one wish, some magic people came up and tried to do evil things, you guys got pissed off and sealed them away, and now we have Fused Shadows to find," Majora said after Lanayru's explanation finished.

"Yes. Be very, _very_ careful with the Fused Shadow. It's what little remains in this world of their power and it can very easily-"

"This tale bores me!"

Lanayru shuddered, glaring at Barinade. "You're not even supposed to be here! If you don't want to hear, leave."

"I have business with the skirt-boy!" Barinade proclaimed, patting Link on the shoulder.

Link moved away very quickly. "Who _are_ you?"

"I AM BARINADE!"

"All of you, SHUT UP!" The cave went silent at the light spirit's shout. "Have your shits and giggles outside once the grown up talk is done, all right?" Everyone nodded quickly. "Good. Now Link, do you know what exactly your companion is planning to do with the Fused Shadow?"

Thinking back to all of Midna's dialogue so far, he said, "She's planning to kill the king of twilight I think."

"I see. Try to make sure no one is able to abuse its power, will you? The last piece is deep in the Lakebed Temple of Lake Hylia, far under the water. I assume that you'd best find some way to breathe before going down there. Your kind is generally not adept at doing that underwater." The serpent retreated into its spring, the light leaving the cave. "May your journey have a safe ending."

"Bye..."

With that, silence reigned. No trace of the great being lingered after its departure, only the dripping of water from the rocks on the roof.

Then Barinade grabbed Link by the head and started walking out of the cave. "AH! PUT ME DOWN YOU CRAZY TENTACLE FREAK!" He swore that he heard Lanayru groan. "DIABABA, FYRUS, SOMEONE HELP!"

-Somewhere in Hyrule Castle Town-

"Fyrus sorry. Fyrus not mean to set inflammable houses on fire. No doing again."

A town guard shakily nodded at the colossus and his plant friend. "A-as long as you're sorry," he whimpered, too afraid of them to move. "All's f-forgiven."

The fire giant slapped himself on the chest, holding his head high. "Fyrus will work to repair damage! He wookie man!"

"NO, no, that's not needed..."

"Oh come now, that's no way to react to a friendly offer," Diababa said as she sent the rookie an eye-smile. "With our great natural prowess, we will make new, naturally produced homes for all those people! To the trees!" She spun into the ground, the surface closing above her cheers. Fyrus began to clap and ran off to the south with no clue as to where he was going.

-Back in Lake Hylia-

Link's screams and nonstop insults meant nothing to Barinade. "Cease that racket!" the anemone snapped at his hostage. He shook Link around by the head, temporarily silencing the teen.

"W-who are you anyway?" Link slurred as he regained his senses.

"I am the incarnation of perfection-"

"He's Barinade, an eccentric idiot who thinks he's some sort of god," Majora quickly said. "He's also an unmatched narcissist who I get the feeling is actually very insecure about how there's nothing that would ever find him visually attractive and thus tries to force his presence onto others to accommodate for this shortcoming, so unless you want a huge speech about how he's the best thing to ever exist then you'll never ask that question again."

"And I see you're unchanged, mask," Barinade grumbled, giving Link one last shake before continuing up the river.

"Still an unholy force bound to a piece of purple wood. So yup, nothing new."

Thankfully, Barinade was merciful enough to hold Link out of the raging current as they travelled upstream. None of the Bulblins positioned along the banks tried to attack them, all either confused by the sight or afraid of the giant electrical monster that bashed most of them up just an hour ago.

At the river's midpoint were Bongo Bongo and the Twinmold duo, the former's large eye twitching as Barinade gleefully approached him. "What is that?"

"This is Link!" Barinade dropped him in front of the eyeball monster. Link stared, unable to make a sound in his terrorized state.

"Link...?" Feeling the urge to crush something into oblivion, one of Bongo Bongo's detached hands grabbed the nearby howling stone and turned it to dust in a second. "You look... exactly like him."

Link squeaked.

"He's already got more common sense," the red Twinmold chuckled, crossing his arms and sitting down on the farmhand's hat. "And his hat is so much cleaner."

"Hey, it's Twinmold one and two!" Majora chimed. "How are you guys? Liking the fairy form?"

"YOU'RE DEAD! WHERE ARE YOU? YOU NEED TO DIE!"

"Oh come on, I opened a new word of possibilities for you."

Ignoring the bickering duo, Bongo Bongo moved closer to Link. The Hylian in question felt his heart stop beating. Sensing his plight, Midna popped out of his shadow. "He's not the Link you're thinking of. We've had this problem a lot already."

"I... see. That's good. That's very, very good."

"FYRUS CANNONBALL!"

The former Goron chieftain came out of nowhere and slammed into the water, drenching everyone with his shockwave. He jovially climbed out, his skin reigniting a few seconds later. "Found you!"

Then Diababa's face popped out of the dirt in front of Link. "...Hi."

"Great," the blue fairy sighed. "More wacko names to add to the list. And I thought we had finally maxed out the world's supply of crazy."

Diababa fully emerged, happily looking over the newcomers. "You guys are totally veteran adventurers, right? Want to come help us save the world?"

"No," Bongo Bongo answered without hesitance. "We're already doing something."

Link sprung up, grabbing a vine from Diababa and a chain hanging off of the fiery idiot's ankle. "Sorry to bug you then, we'll just be going away now."

Diababa wiggled the petals around her eye. "Why Link, I didn't know you were so frisky."

"GAH!" He let go immediately.

"Ha, just kidding. That wasn't even part of me, it just got caught on my arm underground. You're so silly."

"Okay, can we go now?"

"One second dear. Fyrus is making a friend."

He knew it was only going to hurt him. But he decided to see what she was talking about anyway.

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade roared, shooting electrical charges into the air dramatically.

Fyrus pumped his fists, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "YOU ARE BARINADE!"

"YES! You are an educated man, friend." Barinade and Fyrus bumped knuckles/knuckle equivalents. One had found someone who could understand him and the other now knew someone that could shout things really loudly. "Now scream your name over these mountains! Declare yourself, and let the world know who is going to stir things up!"

"I FYRUS!"

"Almost. I _AM_ Fyrus! Shout it from the top of your lungs!"

"I CAN FYRUS!"

"...CLOSE ENOUGH. Now go get 'em, make me proud!"

Fyrus pounded his chest, taking off in a run down the river. "Fyrus eat puny world! Make it taste like carrots!" His companions followed, making sure to take a less lethal route.

-Later-

Link, Midna, Diababa and Fyrus stood on the bridge that towered over Lake Hylia, looking down at their new source of problem. "Now we need a way to breathe underwater," Link said. "Anyone know any tricks about that?"

Diababa began bouncing in place, scaring Link into thinking that the bridge was going to collapse. "That Barinade was a water based life form. I'm sure I could ask-"

"NO! He's, uh, doing more important things."

"More important than saving the world?" Midna laughed.

"Can we stop talking about those other guys and focus on _us_ for now?"

"MR. LIIIIINK!"

The postman came running down the bridge holding a bunch of letters. "Hello," Link greeted calmly.

"I have two letters for you!" The postman picked two envelopes from his pack and slid them right into Link's fingers. "And I have one for you, Mr. Fyrus." He then handed a nicely sized package to the giant.

"Yay! Cookies from mama!"

"_And my parcel?_" Diababa hissed.

"As per usual, ma'am."

Link opened the letters, flipping through them. "Ads and more ads. Great. I'm on the road and I still get junk mail. Wait, bombs that will go off underwater? How does that even work? The powder would be soaked!"

"Ah, the beauty of nature. As hard as you try, nothing can stop it from doing what it's meant to." Diababa wiped a non-existent tear from her eye. "Now let's go get Barinade."

"NO!"

"I have a better idea," Midna said. "Why don't we go find that Zora kid in Castle Town?"

Contemplating his options, it wasn't difficult for Link to make a decision. As much as he was annoyed by Ilia, she was at least a normal person who didn't scream her own name and drag him by his face... most of the time. "Fine..." Link whistled Epona over, mounting the horse. "It's by far the lesser of two evils."

They set off, crossing back across the oil drenched bridge and through the vacant meadows of Hyrule Field. As the group disappeared around the high cliffs, two Bokoblins emerged from the nearby brush.

"They're gotta be coming back here," Wwvr cackled, rubbing her hands together.

Hykl pumped his fist into the air, shouting, "Let's tell King Bulbo and Lord Bulblin!"

"Yeah!" The siblings hi-fived and ran off, already making plans for Sunday's dinner. It was to be Kargarok eggs.

-Several minutes later-

"And that's how you do the Back Slice," the hero's shade said, nodding down at Link contently.

Link lay on the ground in the strange void, his back gouged open and his life liquids splattered across the area. "Gvrdrfrgrg..." He started coughing up a new pool of blood. The shade started dabbing the red off his clothes. "I... hate you so... much."

"You don't mean that!"

"Yes. I do. I really, really do."

"But... but... I don't hate you..."

"Too bad."

"Will it make you feel better if you can cut my back?"

"NO."

"What about if I get Diababa to kiss it better?"

"**NO!** Let me go home!"

"'Kay!"

With a fade cut, Link was back in Hyrule Field and feeling perfectly fine. He grumbled about childish ancient heroes and continued trekking toward the bar. "You two should probably stay out here," he said to his giant, idiotic companions. "You might cause a bit of a panic."

"Nah," Diababa said, waving her bulbs. "We've already made ourselves known. They're cool with us."

A soldier on the city's wall saw them coming from a mile away. He froze, blood stopping in his veins. "CODE GREEN!" the terrified man screamed, and instantly an alarm blared across the settlement. Someone pulled a lever, opening a gate in the side of the town wall. A horde of boars shot out like bullets, instantly drawing Fyrus's feeble mind into a predatory stance.

"Running things must be chased! FYRUS RUNNING!" The giant ran after them, giggling like the enormous man-child that he was.

"CRISIS AVERTED!" Trumpets played.

Diababa, however, happily bounced into town alongside Link. The streets immediately became barren, not even a stray dog crossing their path. "Now you _have_ to wait outside," Link said, pointing at the tiny door that was their destination.

"Lies!"

"Just stay out here." He slipped inside, slamming the door shut.

As before, the focal point of everyone in the room was the dying Zora child laying on a makeshift bed. A doctor had arrived, a decrepit old man with a nose longer than his chin and glasses as thick as a baby's fist. Link arrived as he yanked one of the Zora's eyelids open, putting a match dangerously close to his unfocused pupil. Nodding, he pulled back. "That's a Zora all right, mhm."

"The top of his class," the barkeep muttered. "So what's wrong with him?"

"No idea, nope! Zoras aren't my forte. Goodnight." He hobbled out the door, his scream of surprise cutting off as it latched shut.

"That was a tip jar well spent."

"Now what do we do?" Ilia asked, seemingly looking right past Link. The farm boy hesitated, trying to comprehend why she didn't seem to recognize him. Maybe it was the skirt. He didn't like it. He'd take it off, but the tights were even worse. They rode up on his crotch. He had a feeling that the light spirits didn't make this garb personally fitted to him.

"Ilia?"

"I know someone in Kakariko Village who knows more about caterpillars than that guy knows about people. If there's anyone who can help, it's that person."

Ilia nodded enthusiastically. "Then we should take him there!"

"That is too dangerous!" A group of town soldiers made themselves known, jumping to their feet from the small corner they occupied. "We cannot allow the two of you to travel all the way to Kakariko on your own. How about we accompany them, men?"

The armour clad men burst into cheers, swinging their weapons randomly through the air. One particularly ecstatic newbie smacked the rafter, weakening it enough to collapse half of the roof on the lot of them, burying them in rubble.

"The protectors of our city... Hey, you, thanks for volunteering," the barkeep said, smiling at Link.

"Wait, what?"

"You're going to help protect us poor civilians on our way to Kakariko Village I believe."

"I don't remember ever saying that."

"Please sir!" Ilia clapped her hands together, pleading.

"Wait, what? What's wrong with you? Did a horse kick you in the head when you tried to wipe its ass?"

"Did you say horse? I _love_ horses, and any animal really. Especially Bulbos. They have these cute little snouts and those tiny feet-"

"Now I'm genuinely worried," Link interjected. "Kakariko really isn't that far, so my friend can help bring you there. She's waiting outside, and let's just say that she has a bit more presence than I do..."

-A few minutes later, outside Castle Town-

"And that's how Fyrus done and save festive holiday four."

Sadly, Fyrus had quickly caught up to the boars and broke them beyond repair during their first play date. While he was disappointed, this was quickly mended when the not-hero emerged from the west gate with Diababa and a wagon in tow. He filled them in on his latest exploits without delay.

"Thank you for telling us," Majora said. "You're a credit to our team, and don't forget it ya big lug. Now give Link a hug."

"No hugging! Hey, Telma, why aren't we going out, you know, the gate that's like two minutes from Kakariko?"

The barkeep adjusted the reins on her horses, performing the final checks to make sure they were secured. "We could've, but the big guy broke the bridge to Hyrule Field on his last visit."

"Fyrus not sorry. That was mean bridge and it got what was coming. That was Fyrus foot."

Link felt a headache tearing its way into his brain right through his eyes. He swatted it away, focusing on the task at hand. "Right. Let's go."

They set off, Diababa taking point. Telma drove the wagon with Ilia and the Zora Prince Ralis right behind her, with Link tagging alongside it atop Epona. Fyrus was left to his own devices. It was for the best.

It was a short trip to their first obstacle. Atop the great bridge that crowned Lake Hylia was an old duo of foes, ready to reclaim lost honour. "FUCK YEAH, YOU BITCH FACED TARDS ARE GONNA DIE!" Lord Bulbo was just as before.

They stopped the caravan of misfits at one end of the bridge, staring incredulously at their enemies. "How are you not dead?" Link shouted out.

"King Bulblin rolled when he landed, asswipe!"

"And you?"

"I'm fucking awesome!"

"Figures..."

"AND NOW..." Bulbo snorted loudly, spitting on the oily bridge. "WITHOUT THE BIG BULL BITCH, WE'RE GONNA FUCK. YOUS. UP! WE'RE THE B AND B, AND YOU GUYS ARE SHI-ET!" He started charging across the bridge, his rider pulling out an enormous axe that was not meant for polite conversation.

Link looked at the runners. He then dropped his eyes to the oil that drenched the rock. Pulling out a bomb, he lit the fuse and lightly lobbed it forward.

At the rise of a rapidly spreading fire, Bulbo expressed his reconsideration of the method of attack. "...Clever bastard."

He tried to turn around but seemed to forget that the bridge was no more than ten feet wide. Like Goht in Snowhead Temple, he swerved and ran head first into the wall. Bulblin was sent flying over the edge, the boar tumbling after. "SONOFABITCHTHATWASDUMB!"

Link nodded contently, smiling as he heard the splashes. "And now we wait."

Telma poked him in the side with a long stick. "What do you propose we do about the flaming bridge we need to cross?"

"And now we _wait_."


	15. Little Shop of Avarice

_Ah, the first chapter of the new year. All is well in the world. Okay, that's a complete and total lie when I think about it. There is so much wrong with even the best countries that trying to list all the ways that sentence lied would probably make this note longer than Group of Weirdos: Majora's Mask. But that is completely beside the point. _

_Let's see, I have the choice between playing Twilight Princess and playing Skyward Sword, using Youtube instead of playing the former. Gee, I wonder what I'm going to chose? Though the first boss made me wonder how I could GoW that game. I soon thought up a solution should I ever get around to it. All is well. I have named my bird Frizzleneck by the way, and should I get to that game it is likely that he will be referred to as such. Just a heads up._

_This chapter is basically downtime before the temple, but hey, if we didn't have low points of action then there wouldn't be any high points. Besides, I like how it turned out._

_A few notes by the way. I'm glad to answer any questions, but if you ask please leave a signed review so I can actually respond. I really want to respond to some of these, but I don't answer in the author notes for several reasons I won't get into here. Last chapter was where the MS Word document with this story in it passed a hundred pages! I don't care that it's double spaced between paragraphs, it counts. Also, chapter eleven was the one hundredth Group of Weirdos chapter! There will be many more to come, and several already written... That'll keep ya guessing for a bit :V_

_I know it says "Updated January 2nd" up there but screw that, it's three in the morning here and I'm not in the Pacific Time Zone! _

_Published January 3, 2012_

**Little Shop of Avarice**

"FIGHT TO THE LAST MAN! DEATH BEFORE SURRENDER!" Diababa roared more enthusiastic battle cries as she tore through the Bulblins and Bulbos which assaulted their wagon, foolishly running to their deaths without a care in the world.

No, really, they didn't give half a damn. Some weren't even paying attention when one of her bulbs turned their body mass into a one centimetre thick slab.

"Hey, did you hear about Chrl?" one asked his wingman.

"No, what about him?"

"Apparently, he made a cure to the common cold."

"Wow, that's pretty neat actually. Think he'll sell it?"

"Nah, I really doubt it."

"How come?"

"Just got eaten by the big flaming monster."

"Oh. Sucks."

"Yup."

Link watched the carnage, mouth agape as Diababa used her three appendages to crush six Bulblins at once. "This is war," he muttered, wincing when Fyrus started making pancakes.

"Not gonna help you buddies?" Telma asked, seemingly unfazed by the bloodshed.

"I think they've got it covered..."

The wagon was hit by another stray arrow, lighting it aflame. Link casually tossed his tornado spewing boomerang, putting it out. "That got old a field ago."

Diababa ate a Bulblin in one bite. "Why are so many of you just throwing yourselves at this wagon? I know it's got a hideous paint job, but really."

"Us? We're just keeping you distracted," a Bulblin said uncaringly.

"From what?"

"The Kargarocs."

Link turned left. The wagon was completely gone, lifted into the air by two dozen giant birds. The horses dangled below it, freaking out as they got higher and higher. "When the hell did that happen?"

He whipped out his bow, stringing an arrow. Taking aim, Link fired the wooden stick at the kidnapping flock. It completely missed, flying over them and coming down in a nearby beehive. The bees took offense to this, as well as Link's very existence, and immediately swarmed the kid so they could bite the hell out of him.

"THIS I KIND OF DESERVED. OW! _OW_! WHAT BEES BITE?"

"Fyrus help puny green girl!"

"Are you talking about m- NO, THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA!"

Fyrus backhanded all of the bees, incinerating their tiny bodies instantly. Unfortunately, Link was in the middle of said cloud and found himself sent sprawling by the giant's hand. Epona had managed to duck just in time to avoid sharing her master's fate.

"Ta-da!"

Somehow, Diababa had saved the wagon in this time. It was covered in her purple poison water, the wood decaying more with each second, but the fact remains that it was saved.

They brought the remaining planks of wood into the last part of Hyrule Field. Only a bridge and several hundred metres lay between them and the relative safety of Kakariko Village, a gap they were already halfway across by the time that part of the sentence was written.

Then they entered the village, ending the conflict.

"Damn, they've gone into Kakariko," a Bulblin shouted, halting their pursuit. "Retreat!"

"Why sir?"

"Don't question your superiors!"

"But you aren't my superior."

In the village, Ralis was handed over to Renado. Renado took the boy into the house, putting him in the guest room and staying inside to check on the Zora. Diababa poked her head in through the window. "How is he how is he?" she asked, bouncing against the stone building.

"I am trying to find out."

"Oh. Found out yet?"

"Please give me silence."

"Can do, Mr. Ma'am! I will be silent as the grave, but I won't be dead because that would be very bad. Hopefully he isn't dead either. That'd be pretty bad, wouldn't it Midna?"

"I don't really care to be honest."

Renado stood up. "My survey is done. Please proceed to the main room where I will relay the information."

"Okie dokie, can do!" Diababa ducked out of the room. Immediately, Renado closed the window and locked it, going back to the examinations.

Outside, Link was trying in vain to teach Fyrus proper linguistics. "_I_ _am_ happy."

"Fyrus happy?"

"_I. Am._ Happy."

"Ike... gone... toilet?"

"No! That's not even close! You got worse that time!"

"Fyrus sorry."

"_I am_ sorry."

"It okay. Puny green cricket not need to be sorry."

Link let out a frustrated cry, pressing his face into his hands. "Let's skip to lesson two: DON'T HIT ME AGAIN!"

"Fyrus said Fyrus sorry. Fyrus only wanted to kill wee little bumblebees."

"Heeheeheeheehee."

Link pushed his bag of items off a crate. "Shut up Majora."

"I think you just armed all the bombs," the mask said.

"Shit!" Link grabbed the bag and hurled it across the village, only realizing he had been tricked by the sound of Majora laughing its metaphorical ass off. "The world hates me, I swear."

"Stop hating Fyrus friend, stupid world!" Fyrus stomped on the ground. This caused a tremor that reached a huge hollow space below Kakariko Village, the ground breaking below Link and causing him to fall screaming into the darkness. "NO! World ate puny green monkey because of Fyrus impudence! Fyrus sorry world, give friend back..."

"Help me, please," Link shouted out from the hole. "There are things down here and they're gnawing on me..."

"No we aren't. Now stay still and taste better."

Renado had finished the analysis by the time the not-hero was rescued. The local ignored the hole, instead directly facing the group. "I have determined what ails the boy."

"Is he homesick?" Diababa asked.

"He is suffering from exhaustion, severe epidermal dehydration, a concussion, and a case of mild boneitis. He will need weeks of treatment to recover."

"That's depressing."

"He also continuously mumbles deliriously about his mother. Would you know about her at all?"

"Dead," Majora immediately answered. "She got herself hanged, drawn and quartered by Zant's people I believe."

Link pulled the mask out, glaring at it. "How do you know this?"

"It's an educated guess."

"In addition," Renado continued, "it seems your friend Ilia is suffering from amnesia. She does not remember anything but the language she speaks. All that can be done is to wait for either a trigger or for the trauma to wear away."

"Me and horses didn't work," Link said. "We're gonna wait."

They looked over at the girl in question. She stood near the door of a random house, looking around the town in wonderment.

Colin walked past her. "...Hi."

Ilia jerked to attention. "Colin! I remember you now!"

"...Yay."

"And there's Talo! And Malo! And Beth! Yes, we're all from Ordon Village, aren't we? It's coming back en masse!" She cheered, hugging the confused child.

Link's eyebrow twitched. "All right, never mind that." He left the group, being sure to go around the hole with a wide berth, and approached Ilia. "Remember me yet?"

She stared at him, happiness turning to confusion. "No, I'm sorry."

"WHAT? At this rate you'll remember Billy the Goat before me!"

"Billy! He's that little scamp who used to eat all of my dad's tomatoes before he got neutered. Poor guy, he's never been the same..."

"OH COME ON!"

"Hey Link!" Diababa popped out of the ground between them, eye-smiling brightly. "Telma just finished telling me that she's part of a group of Hylian freedom fighters and that she wants us to stop by in her bar sometime soon and that there's a secret passage into the castle somewhere in her bar! Cool, huh?"

"Fascinating. Now-"

"Also, there's a ghost behind you."

"AH!" Link whirled around, learning that there was in fact a giant Zora ghost floating to his rear. The ghost said nothing, only drifting away.

"We should follow her," Diababa suggested.

"Ha ha, no thanks. I'm not getting dragged to hell for a second time today."

"What about tomorrow?"

"I'm not going!"

In response to his reluctance, Midna popped out of his shadow and said, "That's actually the Zora queen who talked to me back in twilight. I think she had something she wants to show you."

"My death, right?"

"Just go already!" She put her shadow hands through his eyes, waving them around.

"AH! ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING. Don't do that again." Link begrudgingly followed the ghost, convinced that whatever happened would not be in his best interests.

-Kakariko Graveyard-

"A graveyard. How reassuring," Link grunted, glaring at Midna.

"Keep going."

The ghost drifted to the back of the lot, disappearing through a stone wall. As she did so, one of the tombstones faded away to reveal a hole small enough for Link to crawl through. He had Fyrus carry him over the cliff instead.

On the other side was a large body of water, deeper than it was wide, possessing a gigantic tombstone on the opposing shore. The ghost hovered over the stone, waiting. "And this is where the minions of hell drag me to a watery grave."

Midna stuck a hand through his head again. "Get over there."

Link slipped into the water, swimming to the far bank. He almost drowned several times due to his equipment burden but was able to pass without losing his life in the end. He looked up at the ghost, crossing his dripping arms.

"I am deeply grateful to you for aiding my son in his time of need," the ghost said. "You were right to bring him here. Kakariko Village is a sacred place for our people. It is where we come for our final rest."

Majora snickered at this. "You come to the other side of the world? I can see why you end up dying on arrival."

"And why are you grateful that we brought him to a place where every one of your people ends up dying?" Link added.

"Quiet, I'm dead."

"What's that like?" Majora asked. "I've never had the chance to have a discussion with a ghost I haven't made, and they tend to curse me more than they answer questions."

"It's unpleasant. Now take the garments that have been left here by my husband. He created them specifically for the chosen hero, to allow him to last underwater as though a Zora."

The grave slid back, revealing a small alcove housing a set of blue and gold armour. Link uncertainly picked it up, hesitating to put it on.

-In the Faron Woods-

Odolwa kicked the last monkey out of the tree, getting a few more minutes of peace before they came at him and Gyorg again. "I can keep this up all week!" he shouted down. "Also, Link just got the Zora Armour. That armour was handed down through the Zora royal family. If he has it equipped, he can move freely through the water, but will be more vulnerable to fire and ice attacks."

Gyorg stabbed him through the neck with his horn.

-Back in Kakariko-

"That's a pretty nifty set of armour," Midna said, watching Link struggle to put it on.

"Yeah, but it was _not_ made for me," he grunted, shimmying the chest piece over his head. "It's a bit tight."

"Yes, that's very nice. I'd say it's time to go get that final Fused Shadow, wouldn't you? It's nice that you found you last friend, and I use that term very loosely, but until we kill Zant no one's really safe."

"Except Zant," Majora said. It was ignored.

-Sometime later-

"Welcome, welcome, WELCOME to Dodongo's Variety! We charge two hundred times more than everyone else, but fuck you there's no one around here who sells the same shit!"

Link, Midna, Epona, Diababa, Fyrus and Majora had left Kakariko behind, glad to escape the village which caused nothing but pain and suffering. Immediately after, they needed to get supplies. Rather than going back they decided to just keep going and pray that some form of civilization was between them and Lake Hylia. As it turned out, they had missed a shop just past the Faron-Lanayru border during the escort.

The most prominent question was whether the current location was better or worse.

King Dodongo laughed at their twitching faces, tenting his claws on the giant counter. "Don't stand there looking shell-shocked. Buy something!"

"It's better than nothing," Link muttered. He started to browse the wares, scanning the shelves for anything of value. On the second row, something caught his eye. "Water bombs?"

"Yup, the only ones in Hyrule."

"But I thought Barnes-"

"Not anymore!"

"Right. I'll take a few."

As Link paid for his purchase, Diababa nudged Fyrus and pointed at a trio of large, golden triangles sitting on a shelf near the roof, elevated by a golden pedestal. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Fyrus no know what Diababa think it is."

"It looks like the Triforce."

King Dodongo poked his head between them, almost crushing them against opposing walls. "That it is! What you see before you is the one and only artifact of the three goddesses, hidden from mortal hands for centuries! Being the benevolent dinosaur that I am, I'm letting any consumer who can pay two million rupees get their hands on it."

Diababa was practically drooling over the obvious fake. "Link, do we have two million rupees?"

He checked his wallet. "I'm one million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and thirty-six short."

She quickly snatched the wallet from his hands, holding a 'hand' up to silence his protests. "This is going into the Triforce Initial Trust Savings."

"T-I... Do you have any idea what acronym you just made?"

"A simple one, that's what! Any money we get will go right to my savings account, then we can buy the Triforce and wish for all the money back."

"I like the way you think," King Dodongo commented, nodding approvingly. "You know how to handle money: take it all and keep it to yourself."

"Yay!" Diababa gave him an acidic kiss.

King Dodongo licked it off his lips. "Mm, tasty."

Link sighed, jabbing Diababa's side. "That's not the real Triforce," he said.

"Totally is," King Dodongo retorted. "Why would I sell it for so much if it wasn't?"

"He has a point," Diababa said, still ogling over the fake.

"No he doesn't!"

"Fyrus want pogo stick!"

After buying Fyrus a pogo stick and telling Diababa that she'd make no money by wasting time in the shop, Link was able to get the group moving forward to their next objective. They returned to the great bridge, looking down at the full lake below.

"Now how do we get down?" Link asked, slipping his iron boots on so no one would push him. "Safely."

"Fyrus cannonball!" Fyrus jumped off the bridge, plummeting to what would have become a red mess if he were a normal being.

Link glanced at Diababa. "You're going to jump too, aren't you?"

"Yup! Yip-yip-yah-hoo!" She bounded over the edge, disappearing.

"What about you?" Midna asked. "Planning to echo their insanity?"

"No thanks. I think I'll go upriver a bit and put this new armour to use."


	16. The Two Groups

_So, big break there for many reasons, one of which being me getting caught up in Dark Souls. Because of this, I didn't want to play Twilight Princess. That's not the only reason, I didn't want to play Twilight Princess, but still. Also, semester start with lots of work. _

_FUCK YOUR TAIL, SEATH! __Er, ahem... Let's ignore that. I have problems. _

_Remember, for every mistake you report you get... um... an imaginary giant robot bodyguard. Yeah. One of those._

_Published January 17, 2012_

**The Two Groups**

Link wasn't sure if he wanted to ask, but he knew that he was obligated to find out. "Okay, so... someone explain."

Diababa chuckled nervously. "Weeeell, we found the Lakebed Temple while you were gone and decided to try to get a head start on the puzzles."

Link nodded. "That I can see."

"So Fyrus decided to go in first."

"Also able to see."

"And now he's stuck halfway through the tunnel underwater, probably drowning."

"Right."

"GLUB GLUB FYRUS GLUB GLUB!"

Link sighed. "Go pull him out."

"Aye aye!" With a salute, Diababa dove into the water. Link considered running at this point. Maybe he could use the river to escape faster now that he had the underwater armour.

Eventually, Fyrus was saved and they could enter the temple. Using one of the very expensive water bombs he was able to make the entrance Fyrus sized, allowing the fire giant to follow them underwater. On the way, giant clams tried to attack Link ("WHY ARE THEY SO HUGE?") but they were easily dispatched.

The Zora Armour, previously seen as being super tight, was completely waterproofed. The only open parts were his hands and eyes, the latter being constantly battered by low sea debris and plant life. Fortunately, the tunnel came to an end and returned their feet to land.

Fyrus was first up, shaking himself dry and bursting into flame. Diababa popped to the surface, scanning the cavernous room they had stumbled into. "Hey, a chest!"

Link opened the chest, pulling out ten water bombs. First, his left eye started twitching. Next, his arms began to shake. Then he screamed and hurled a bomb at the wall.

"Wow, that's ten free and you paid how much for those five?" Majora asked tauntingly.

"TOO MUCH."

"I thought so."

The first room was an interesting one. It was a mixture of natural and man-made pathways, a cavern full of ledges and broken bridges. "Look at the natural curves of these walls!" Diababa slid to the wall, rubbing up against the rough stone. "Do you have any idea how long it took the water to wear this down?"

"Nope," Link said.

"Crap, I was hoping you did. I have no idea."

The whole room started to shake, stalactites breaking off the ceiling and crashing to the ground. One hit Fyrus over the head and he didn't even notice.

"Well that's dangerous," Midna commented. "Ah, the joys of being a shadow. Have fun crossing!"

-One fun later-

Link tearfully crawled through the doorway, receiving a sympathetic pat from Fyrus as he lay limp.

"NO! YOU STUPID FOOL!" A door slammed shut somewhere below them.

"Who was that?" Link groaned, closing his eyes.

"Sounded like Bongo Bongo," Diababa said, yanking him to his feet. "YO! BONGO! YOU GUYS DOWN THERE?"

"Who was that?" red Twinmold loudly asked.

"IT'S ME! DIABABA!"

"Who the hell is Diababa?"

Bongo Bongo and the Twinmold fairies hovered up from the depths, popping their eyes above the bridge the current group was perched on. "Oh. It's you," blue said.

"Hi."

"What's going on down there?" Midna asked, peeking over the edge.

Bongo Bongo let out a great sigh, closing his eye. "So we found a boss key right next to the big door, and Barinade decided to unlock it. That's fine enough, right? Well being the big asshat that he is, he opened the door and took the key out. When he went through, it closed behind him and locked again. And he still had the key."

"IT IS QUITE DARK IN HERE," Barinade shouted from his prison. "There appears to be some sort of hole in the ground. I shall investigate at once!"

"NO! Stay put until we find another key," Bongo Bongo ordered, punching the wall for effect. "Here's the deal: you lot help us get in there, and we'll help with whatever it is you're trying to do _for a bit_."

Link shrugged. "We're going in there too, so it's on our path eventually."

"Good. I'll look on the lower levels, you check the upper parts. Take blue with you, and if you need to talk with us tell him. These two can telepathically communicate I've learned."

"I'll come with you guys!" Diababa exclaimed, leaping off the bridge. "WEEE- OW!"

"There are more bridges right below you."

"If I keep jumping, I'll hit water eventually! WEE- OW! WEEE- OW! WEEEEEeee... That drop didn't hurt." Bongo Bongo groaned, lowering back out of sight with the red fairy following.

"Can you really talk telepathically?" Midna asked, eyebrows raised.

"No," blue said. "But we've convinced him we can. Just go along with it and I'll give you a purple rupee."

The next room was a sort of central antechamber, a gigantic chamber full of ledges with a pivoting staircase in the middle. To the side was a single Tektite walking into the wall. It did not react to their presence.

"All right, this place is weird," Link stated. "Let's keep moving."

They passed the bug, sparing it one more glance. Further along, Majora brought up a suggestion. "Link, do you think if you jumped out and hung onto that handle then the stairs would turn?"

They all looked at the handle in question. It hung from the roof, dangling firmly above open water fifty metres below. "Let's not find out and say we did."

"Fyrus thinkis that handle looks like complex mechanical device with moving parts that lead in direction of puny stairs. Puny green ninja should try!"

"I said no!" Link snapped at the giant. "Why don't you do it?"

"Fyrus gargantuan weight will tear puny handle out of place."

Twinmold floated up to Link's shoulder, giving him a firm pat on the ear. "Don't worry, you'll be fine. I know for a fact that the stairs will spin so that your feet will be no more than a foot from the ground when you let go."

-Meanwhile-

"And that's how I saved Christmas."

Bongo Bongo nodded, oozing complete and total fascination at Diababa's exciting story. "Fascinating..." Now for a statement not full of sarcasm: he heard a girlish, high pitched scream.

"Did someone kick our new fairy boy in the nuts?" red Twinmold wondered, floating forward and looking up.

Link was dangling above them, legs swinging wildly as he hung from a stationary gold handle. "SOMEONE GET ME OFF OF THIS! HELP! HEEELP!"

"Why does everyone believe everything I say?" blue Twinmold muttered, smiling gleefully at his pain.

Diababa bounced under him, opening her mouth wide. "Don't worry, I'll catch you! Just let go!"

"NO! THAT'S AN AWFUL IDEA!"

"Yank on it, it's stuck," blue suggested.

"YOU DON'T GET TO TALK ANYMORE! FYRUS, GRAB ME!"

Fyrus walked over to Link, stepping into midair and plummeting straight onto Diababa, sinking them both.

"THERE'S NO FLOOR THERE. WHAT WAS THAT?"

The handle dropped a little, terrifying Link. Before he could scream again, the stairway began to turn, the top coming closer to him. "It's a bit high," he said, noticing that the walls of the platform went up to where his hips were hanging. "No no NO NO NO **NO NO NOO!**"

"What is happening? WHAT IS BARINADE MISSING?"

After that disaster, the two sides continued on their own paths. Bongo Bongo refused to talk to group A before leaving.

"How do they function in society?" the shadow beast muttered.

Red Twinmold nudged Bongo with his ankle, jerking his head at Diababa. "I don't think they do."

His au naturel companion was hopping after a Tektite, her drool burning holes in the floor. "Come back Lunch- er, Lurch! I just want to hug you with my mouth!"

Bongo Bongo brought his hands to his face... eye... whatever. "I swear, these guys better not be on a world saving adventure."

"Of course they are. Why else would another Link be gathering a group of freaks? Every time it's happened, they've saved the world."

"I'm getting urges to snap his neck again."

"Those aren't urges, they're evolutionary instincts."

-Back with the heroes-

"GET ME DOWN!" Link dangled from another handle, this one hanging jovially above solid stone floor.

"I don't understand why you keep jumping on these things," Majora sighed, exasperated.

"YOU SHOT ME AT IT!"

"Oh, right, I did. That was funny."

The handle dropped, opening a nearby barred door. Fyrus safely lowered him down and the not-hero reluctantly proceeded into the unknown.

The unknown looked an awful lot like a Lizafol smacking him in the face with a shield. Fyrus proceeded to try to make friends with it, killing the ill-fated lizard. He was saddened by this loss of potential.

"Don't worry, someday you'll make a real friend," blue Twinmold said, moving to pat the flaming giant on the shoulder but, upon experiencing contact with his common sense, deciding against it.

"Fyrus have real friend! Puny green girl is Fyrus friend."

"I AM A BOY AND MY NAME IS LINK."

"Puny green boy have very feminine jaw line and nicely plucked eyebrows. Fyrus is jealous of puny green boy's grooming."

Link shook his head, focusing on other topics. The most prevalent one was the fact that they were now ascending a spiralling ramp that seemed to go at least fifty metres upwards, just spinning around and around until reaching, you guessed it, a handle at the top. He skipped this arduous walk with the help of a very enthusiastic Fyrus fastball. No one asked the giant to do it, he just did.

Link climbed to the handle. It was in the centre of a causeway at the top of the room, smooth floor just a few feet below it. "If this makes the floor move away, I'm making sure I land on you Majora."

"And I'll make sure I'm spikes up."

He jumped up to the handle and let his weight pull.

Fortunately, the floor did not give away. Instead, a floodgate opened behind them, deploying a massive amount of water in Link's direction. The wave crashed into him, tearing his grip off the handle and sending him screaming down the spiralling path. He came to the bottom nearly unconscious, twitching lightly in the newly formed pool of water.

Fyrus clapped and cheered. "Fyrus want turn!"

"He's drowning," Midna sighed.

Fyrus tried to run up the ramp, slipping on the wet and flat surface.

"Fyrus, please pull him out before he _dies_."

The big guy tried jumping up the path. He slipped and fell on impact, laughing as he rolled back down.

"Fyrus!"

Twinmold waved his hand through her upper arm. "Isn't he wearing that water-breathing suit?"

"Oh... right." If she had physical cheeks, they'd probably be red. "Shut up." Or maybe purple, or even green. What colour is Twili blood, and how transparent in the skin on their faces? Perhaps it wouldn't show at all.

"Fyrus think Midna blush be ORANGE!"

That's completely possible. This mystery shall be solved as soon as the Master Sword is claimed.

Link's head jerked up. "The what sword?"

Midna shoved her hands through their eyes. "MOVE ON ALREADY."

-Sometime later-

Link took note of the temple's architecture, quickly growing confused my some of the design choices. "What's with all the giant gears that don't do anything?"

"They look to be providing power to the temple's mechanics and devices," blue Twinmold said.

"So, it powers itself."

"Yes."

"Doing these marvellous things like opening closed doors, and creating waterslides."

"I never said it was in any way productive."

At the bottom of the slide, the water flowed through a hole and into the next room. It proceeded to stream down a system of aqueducts, spreading through the temple and giving it power.

"Is anyone else getting flashbacks to Great Bay?" Bongo Bongo asked the rest of Group B.

Diababa blinked. "Great what?"

Twinmold had a more volatile reaction. "FUCKING GREAT BAY... This is why I need to be a giant sand worm again, then I'd be able to crush the _shit_ outta this place! This bullshit fairy body can't do anything but play with itself, and these hands..."

Bongo Bongo quickly smacked him. "Do _not_ get into the hands again! Boo hoo, you have a fully functional bipedal body capable of sustained flight. Well guess what? I've got hands, a torso and an eye. I'd kill, hell, I _have_ killed, to have everything else! So suck it up and accept what you've got."

"I think we just got great insight into the warped psyche of Bongo Bongo. I shall make note of this development."

"...Go back to complaining."

"I will, thank you."

As this poignant conversation occurred, Link's group was engaged in combat with a rambunctious Bari. "I know your boss!" Link cried, slowly backing away from the electrically charged jellyfish. He ripped off an iron boot and threw it at the creature with a mighty scream.

The boot flew a grand total of two feet, clunking noisily. Link bowed his head in shame.

"Fyrus help!" He grabbed at the Bari but it immediately zapped him. "OW! Fyrus help! OW! Fyrus help! OW! Fyrus help! OW!"

Twinmold retrieved Link's bow and shot an arrow through the Bari, killing it. "Did you see what I just did?" he asked as Link took the weapon back. "I used a sharp thing to kill the baddie. Maybe you should do that too! Imagine the thought for a second."

"You're a riot." Link pulled open the next door, slipping inside. Something grabbed him the second he cleared the frame. "OH MY GOD NO! AHHHH!"

Inside, a gigantic Deku Toad had Link coiled in its tongue, lazily attempting to pull him down its throat. The not-hero had a firm grip on its lips however and was using all of his strength to keep from becoming dinner. "HELP! HELP! ONE OF YOU HELP!"

"Fyrus help!"

Fyrus shoved his hand in the Deku Toad's mouth, moving past Link and further down. He yanked out a large, colourful organ. "Fyrus get kidney!"

"THAT DOES NOT HELP!"

"Hey, Link, hey..."

"WHAT IS IT MAJORA?"

"Heeheehee... He's trying to deep throat you."

"...WE DIE TOGETHER." He let go, allowing himself to be swallowed along with his mask shaped nemesis. The toad swayed, shaking as it seemed to choke on the duo.

As this happened, Twinmold floated around to its rear and began kicking the toad's tail. After three kicks, it groaned and dropped dead, ejecting Link and Majora in a stream of saliva.

Twinmold blinked all three eyes separately. "Um, what?"

"Puny blue twinklie do good!" Fyrus held up his hand for a hi-five.

Twinmold took note of the kidney in his hand. "Ah. That answers that question."

A chest also slid out of the corpse. Link stood up, slipping in the goo and falling on his teeth immediately. He then crawled to the chest and tossed it open. "What the hell is this?"

He pulled out a clawshot. "Looks like a handle with a claw," Midna said. "By the way, good job with that frog. A valiant effort."

The clawshot went off, sinking into a nearby wall. The chain caught and retracted, yanking itself out of Link's hands and flying through the air. Twinmold was hit midway through the trip.

"Sorry..."

* * *

><p><em>Is it just me or were a lot of people getting stuck this chapter?<em>


	17. Fish Fillet

_As my birthday present to you all, I hope you enjoy the next boss battle of the series: the fight against the leviathan Morpheel! I know there were people looking forward to this one, so hopefully I did not disappoint._

_I feel like there was something else I wanted to say in this note... Eh, if I remember I'll edit it in later. _

_Published February 2, 2012_

**Fish Fillet**

-Hyrule Castle-

Zant appeared within the brilliant throne room in a swirl of dark energy, bowing lightly to his master. "You called?"

"Yes. I want you to make sure the heroes don't get any further. Intercept and deal with them."

"It shall be done."

"Also..." At his tone and smile, Zant's shoulders drooped. "You didn't come to the birthday party last night."

"I don't like parties. They're too noisy."

"Excuses, excuses."

"Besides, should we kings be so associated with the lower classes?"

"A healthy social structure and the occasional birthday present makes them surprisingly willing to die for you. Hell, Jennifer cried and tried to hug me when I gave him a Jack-in-the-Box. C'mon, have some fun Zant! You're the King of Twilight, make with the parties and ladies!"

"No offense meant my lord, but I'll pass."

-Lakebed Temple-

"AH!" Link let go of the clawshot as it sprung from his hands, retracting to a vine on the wall.

"You need to _hold on_," Midna sighed, shoving her hand through his eye again. "And now it's stuck up there. Majora, could you grab it for us?"

"No."

The Twili jabbed her hands into Link's bag, hitting the mask a few times with the uncomfortable sensation. "Come on, I've seen you go all tentacle monster on us before. It's way over there and I don't trust Fyrus to bring it back in one piece."

"And I don't care to grab it. It's more fun to watch you squirm."

"I got it." Twinmold dropped the clawshot in the not-hero's hand.

"Technically, that one _was_ thanks to me," the mask grumbled, sinking deeper into Link's supplies. "Now I'm going to sleep. Don't bug me unless someone's already dead."

After this pertinent conversation, Link latched onto a far wall of vines and actually held on, screaming indignantly as it pulled him over. When it got there, it released. He fell to the watery depths below.

"And when you get there, _grab something_," Midna groaned, facepalming.

On take six, he finally held onto the wall and climbed to the top, finding a locked door in the stone wall. Fortunately, he had a key. Link inserted the key in the lock, pausing as he noticed something odd. "Is it supposed to be bulging like that?"

"Yes," Midna said.

"I don't think it's a good thing."

"You've held us up in this room long enough. Just turn the key and get me that last Fused Shadow."

Link reluctantly opened the lock. The door flew open, blasting him with a flood of water. "GLUB GLUB TERRIBLE IDEA GLUB HATE YOU!"

After dealing with this, he waded through the current. Midna hovered in the doorway, watching him go around a corner. "Well?"

"IT'S A DEAD END."

As he emerged, wet and angry, Diababa's head popped up from the ground. "LINK! We found something." She thrust a compass into his hands, eye-smiling brightly.

"...What is this?"

"It's a compass!"

Bongo Bongo appeared behind him, terrifying the poor boy. "The old Link used to use them to find the strangest things hidden throughout the temples. I was hoping you would have the same talent."

Link just stared at the circular object in his hands. "But it only points north. That's what compasses do."

"Don't question the logic. Just find us a boss key with it."

"But-"

"I'll pop your head like a grape if you don't."

"FYRUS LIKE GRAPES!"

Link started walking north, following the needle of the compass. When he came to a wall, he took a door on the east side of the room and continued his northbound path. Bongo Bongo hovered right behind him constantly, his yellow eye unblinking as it never stopped watching. By the third room, Link was covered in sweat and shaking like he was on a mountaintop.

"Could you not watch me like that? You're behind me and I know it's _terrifying_."

Bongo Bongo did not stop. "Fear is a healthy motivator."

"It feels like it's taking years off my life, that's not healthy at all..."

"_I'll_ be taking years off your life if you don't keep moving."

Link speedily continued walking.

Midna emerged from Diababa's shadow, prodding the plant with her insubstantial fingers. "Is it just me, or are all the veterans really deranged and violent?"

Diababa looked behind them. The Twinmold fairies were punching, kicking and pulling hair, screaming at each other.

"SHATNER!" Red kicked his brother's jaw.

"PINE!" Blue retaliated with a sharp left hook.

The plant eye-smiled at Midna. "I think it's charming."

Midna slowly nodded, gradually drifting away from her. "All right I'm going to go talk with... um... crap. We need more normal people."

They eventually arrived in the central chamber, Link's new compass having accomplished nothing. Their greeter was expected. "Incompetent fools! Have you come to free to great BARINADE from this mortal confine yet?"

"For someone in need of rescuing, you aren't doing yourself any favours with the 'fools' comments," Midna dryly stated.

Barinade laughed from his prison. "Regardless of my current attitude, you must enter this room in order to progress! I am to be free no matter my choice of words. You have no hope without the liberation of BARINADE!"

"FYRUS am BARINADE!" Fyrus cheered, pumping his fists into the air. He punched the roof, almost caving it in.

"WHAT? NO! _I_ AM _BARINADE_ YOU FOOL!"

"Oh right, Fyrus is Fyrus." He scratched his head innocently. "Silly Fyrus."

For a second, and just one second, Fyrus managed to make Barinade speechless. "MOVING ON, answer the initial question! How goes your quest to liberate me?"

"We have a compass," Link said, shaking the contraption. "I need to find your key or I'll die, but this piece of shit doesn't do anything but point north! How am I supposed to use it for anything?"

"Are you triangulating?" Barinade asked.

"I- no. You can't just give me a compass and say 'triangulate!' I need measurements!"

"What direction is it facing?"

"NORTH."

As they carried on with this discussion, the other members of the pack got bored and went off into their own antics. Diababa proceeded to talk to the moss on the wall, prompting Bongo Bongo to ask, "So, can you talk with plants or something like that?"

"That's silly Bongo Bongo, plants don't have mouths. They can't talk."

He couldn't believe he was having this conversation. "So... why are you talking to them?"

"Just because they can't talk doesn't mean they aren't lonely. I'm being nice to them to show my appreciation."

Bongo Bongo blankly stared at her.

"You should talk to them too. It's nice to have an ear always there for you."

The shadowy monstrosity disappeared. "I'm going to stay invisible for a while. Don't look for me."

Eventually, Link hesitantly approached his remaining companions. "Barinade-"

"I AM BARINADE!"

"...told me to go to the far east room and down to the bottom level. He said the key would be there."

"Let me guess: triangulation," red dryly stated.

"Let's not use that word anymore..."

They travelled to the east, traversing water and advanced mechanical gadgetry until reaching a system of underwater tunnels. Upon diving in, Link was swarmed by a horde of irate minnows. Their thousands of tiny mouths nipped at him constantly. "AH! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THESE FISH BEFORE!" The minnows did not relent, squirming into his waterproof suit to feast on his flesh.

After that embarrassing incident, he found the boss key in an underwater treasure chest hidden at the back of the cave. "Who put this down- You know what? I don't care anymore."

-Meanwhile-

"The hero has a point," Farore said, incredulously turning to the Goddess of Wisdom. "Why are all these necessary items placed in either such weird corners or a pocket dimension so they can appear when all the enemies of the room are killed?"

"It is to test the hero's wit and endurance," Nayru responded wistfully.

"Din said it would be funny, didn't she?"

"She did. And she was right."

-Back under the lake-

Barinade was already laughing like a maniac before Link even put the key in the door, celebrating his liberty. "At last, freedom is guaranteed!"

When the door slid open, Bongo Bongo made sure to wedge it with one of the many moss covered pillars lining the room. He ignored Diababa's outrage, gesturing at the hole in the middle of the floor. "Down there should be what both of us are looking for. You go first." The phantom just pushed Link in, watching the boy sink like he was wearing iron shoes. He was.

After going down one by one, the whole group was sinking through the largest room any of them had ever seen. It was big enough to fit both gargantuan Twinmolds, if only barely.

Everyone hit the bottom, their foe quickly making himself known. The sandy middle of the floor sunk away, a flurry of strange, watery tentacles bursting from below. In between all of them was a giant, circular mouth with more teeth than a great white shark. An eye floated up inside one of the tentacles, laughing like a madman as it emerged.

**Morpheel  
><strong>_Twilit Aquatic  
><em>Likes: Water  
>Dislikes: Burnt toast<br>Greatest Accomplishment: Briefly God of the Seas

"I am Morpheel!" the eye announced. "Lord Zant has given me the task of killing you all! Prepare to die!"

"I AM BARINADE! Hello, Morpha. We have been searching for you for decades, my friend!"

The tentacles froze in place. The eye shot its pupil in their direction, shaking intensely. "What are- WHAT? NO! I am Morpheel, Leviathan of the Seas!"

Bongo Bongo rolled his eye. "Call yourself whatever you want, but you'll always be our cute, ineffectual little pet."

"INEFFECTUAL?" Morpheel swung a tentacle, his enraged cry dying when Bongo Bongo simply backed out of range. "That was good, I'll give you that, Uglo."

"Uh, not to intrude," Link hesitantly began, stepping forward, "but you guys know each other, right?"

"He was the team pet back in the day," Barinade said, reminiscing the old days. "I threw him a good amount of times..."

"Right. So, does that mean he could just give us the Fused Shadow so we don't have to fight?"

Morpheel broke into laughter at this, bouncing giddily in his safe area. "You're right to be afraid! But no, I'm going to kill you all anyway!"

"WHAT? WHY?"

The eye started shaking again, this time in unadulterated rage. "Long ago, I was considered a weak amusement by these bastards! I was thrown, stepped on, kicked, put down, laughed at, and whenever things started to go my way they made sure to ruin my hopes beyond all repair! But now, I'll crush every last one of them! I'll show them just how mighty I've become!"

"GLUB GLUB!" Fyrus cheerfully proclaimed.

"That's pretty mean," Diababa said to the ball. "You should learn to discuss your problems in a calm, civilized-" A loud slam from above signalled the destruction of the pillar keeping their door open. "The moss! NOOOO! Give 'em hell, Morpheel!"

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?" Link screamed, already pulling out his sword and shield.

The ground shook again, more of Morpheel's body emerging from the sand. A worm-equse form grew, getting longer and longer until the above Twinmold comparison began to appear to be a legitimate system of measurement. The eye sunk into a single socket near the worm's head, Morpheel's new eyelids letting him genuinely glare at them. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to kick some ass! Depending on his fast you move, this can be quick and painful or slow and extremely painful."

Link screamed, curling up under his shield and hoping that the sand would let him hide under it.

As the main protagonist cowered, Fyrus cheered and jumped up, swimming to meet Morpheel head on. "GLUB GLUB BLUG GLUB!"

"What?"

"GLUUUB!" Fyrus spun around, slowly kicking Morpheel in the mouth. It may have lacked force thanks to the water, but it still hurt like hell. Morpheel whipped his tail forward, brutally smashing Fyrus against the chamber wall.

Bongo Bongo grabbed Link, throwing him into the fray before quickly following. "Get up there! This is your fight, so get it done."

"How is this MY fight? YOU antagonized him!"

"I said fight, not conflict."

With Fyrus temporarily dispatched Morpheel swam at them, his round mouth shaped in a sadistic grin. Link tried to get away again but Bongo Bongo shoved him back. "Get a grip! He's not nearly as deadly as he looks."

Morpheel whirled past them, circling the duo. "Hey Bongo, guess what? I'm a fish."

"Well Link, you're on your own."

"WHAT?"

"I'm allergic to fish. I don't want to touch him now."

"YOU BASTARD!"

One of Morpheel's tentacles wrapped around Link, hurling him forcefully through the water. "Isn't he?"

As the snake came at him again Link quickly equipped the iron boots, dropping below him and removing them to swim away. "Clever bastard. But all you're doing is delaying my-"

"I AM BARINADE!"

Morpheel easily took Barinade's Megaton Hammer with his nearly impenetrable skin, slapping the anemone around for a bit. With one last headbutt he was sent spiralling to the bottom of the arena.

"Baarinaaade..."

Morpheel turned his attention back to Link, searching for the kid. "I know exactly where you are, whoever you are. I've filter fed on this water for six months and any disturbance or change is completely noticeable!"

"Bullshit!"

"Maybe, but you just told me where you are." He swung his tail downwards, smacking Link. This had the side effect of waking up Majora.

Before Morpheel could continue beating him around, Diababa, Fyrus, Barinade and Twinmold launched a coordinated assault on the sea monster. Fyrus latched onto his head, yanking all the tentacles together and holding them tightly. Diababa coiled her vines around his midsection and dripped acid all over his skin. The fairies started punching his eye.

Then Barinade came in shooting electricity, the charges easily frying everyone except the anemone himself. He just laughed.

Morpheel used this opportunity to slam his body against the wall, crushing them again. "Face it, you idiots can't do anything against me! I don't just splash you now, I smash you to _bits_!"

Then Link's clawshot dug into his eye. "OW OW OW!" Link was yanked down to him, grabbing on Morpheel's eye lid. "Do none of you ever learn?"

Link held up his sword.

"...No, no, NO, NO..."

Link slashed him across the eye.

"OW."

The not-hero slashed him again.

"OW!"

He got in one more slash before being thrown off. The irate leviathan grabbed Link with a tendril, rapidly descending to the ground and throwing him just before impact. Link crashed hard, half submerging in the sand at last. Morpheel jabbed at him, roughly pushing him further down until he was basically buried alive. "Now stay down there. I need to have some old friends for dinner."

Barinade dropped from above, landing on top of Link's shallow grave. "I, BARINADE, have not had this much fun in years! I commend you for your valiant effort, _Morpheel_. But I'm afraid the battle has yet to reach its climax! Now we shall fight!" He threw his hammer, hitting his friend square in the injured optical. Morpheel recoiled, his eye twitching violently.

"You die first."

Morpheel opened his mouth wide, sucking in the water holding Link and Barinade. The latter quickly lost his footing, desperately struggling to stay grounded on the moving mud. Link, on the other hand, began to lose a significant amount of items from his pack. First all his arrows came out, flying down Morpheel's throat. Then the bombs followed, harmlessly detonating inside him.

Following those, Majora got sucked up. Morpheel didn't seem to notice that he just ingested an artefact of pure evil, continuing to torture Barinade with his jet stream. After a moment he stopped, blinking at a strange sensation. "Did you have some rotten bread or something? Bleh, something tastes like shit!"

He twitched, his eye popping out of its socket and drifting away.

"Wait, what? NO!"

Majora pulled itself into the empty hole. "Hi Morpha. This is pretty cosy. You had a nice thing going until I came along."

"When the hell did you get here? Wait, NO!" Morpheel swam back at his body, feebly ramming the mask as the rest of the beast began to dissolve. "NO! NOT AGAIN! I DON'T WANT TO BE A BALL! GET OUT OF THERE! AHHHHHH!"

His body faded away, dead without him to use it, the Fused Shadow floating to the floor.

"...FUCK."

Before he could enact revenge on the mask, Barinade plucked Morpheel from his place. "He looks even cuter than ever!"

"I am not cute! Just because I've been reduced to this lesser state doesn't mean I can't kill you all at any time! Don't tempt me..."

"You're so vengeful, Morpha. I missed your innate, rampant screams of hate."

"I AM MORPHEEL! Get it? It's _like_ Morpha, but-"

"Yes, you stuck 'eel' in there because you looked like an eel. Very witty," Majora interrupted as it drifted back into Link's pack.

As Barinade played with his new toy, Link swam over to Bongo Bongo. "So, did you guys come just to find him?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"There was nothing else to do. Boredom does funny things."

"He's so _cuuuute!_ I want him!" Diababa tackled Barinade, wresting Morpheel from his tentacle and delivering a sloppy, acidic kiss to his pupil.

"AHH! YOU BITCH! I am not _cute_, _cuddly_, _adorable_, or any other variation of the word! That includes scrumptious, so never put me in there again!"

Ignoring his enraged cries, she hugged him and said, "We're going to get along so well! I'll make you feel right at home, a real part of the team!"

"Ha, I'd be far more of a credit to this team than all of you combined! In fact, because I know from experience that I'm not going to get a day of peace from this point on if I try anything else, I shall come with your gang, kick every ass, and then kill you all!"

Red floated to Barinade, thankful that he could conveniently breathe underwater. All fairies could do it. "This is exactly what happened last time, isn't it?"

"Indeed! Except I was hit a bit more this time. BARINADE IS OUT OF SHAPE."

"Or you just suck."

"BARINADE does not suck!"

"I'm opening a portal out of here," Midna sighed, a circle of light appearing beneath her. Everyone crowded together in the teleporter, letting it warp them back to the outside world.

-Lanayru's Shrine-

Upon arrival, the group was greeted by a polite nod from Zant. "Hello."


	18. Give the Dog a Bone

_Guess what? I got a new computer, yaaaaay! It's much better than my last (aside from battery power), so once I get everything customized I'm sure I'll be having a merry time. My desktop is up to half of what it used to be, and it will be at its full splendor by the end of the week._

_On a somewhat related note, I have a side project related to Group of Weirdos. It's over half done, so there's a few chapters, and it won't be long altogether. Who thinks I should put it out now, and who thinks I should wait until the whole thing is written like originally planned?_

_Also, I'm putting up a poll on my profile page to figure out who the favourite GoW character is, an idle curiosity. Yes, this is the "First Group of Weirdos Popularity Poll". Vote now, and let me know! Up to three choices per person because I don't expect many votes. I'm just full of announcements today._

_Enjoy! _

_Published February 23, 2012_

**Give the Dog a Bone**

Right off the bat, red Twinmold shot up and roundhouse kicked Zant across the head. The king flinched, blasting him away.

"Nice hit," Midna cackled. "How'd you like being smacked by a fairy, Zant?"

"Wait, _that's_ Zant?" red groaned, twitching on the ground.

Before another bumbling argument could erupt, Zant held up his hand. A shockwave fired out from his palm, blasting everyone back through the air. At that moment Lanayru made his entrance by erupting from the water, roaring viciously at Zant. He was shot back in one strike, fading pathetically into a ball of light.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" Morpheel screamed, eye jerking erratically between the two sides. "It's been six seconds since we got here! Why is Zant here? What the hell was that big thing? What are these stupid squares coming out of the ground? WHY ARE THEY TWO DIMENSIONAL?"

The province turned back to twilight. Strangely, none of them were reduced to spirits this time, most likely for conversational convenience.

"The guardian of the third Fused Shadow betrays me," Zant apathetically stated.

"The track record for villainous loyalty is pretty bad," Morpheel piped.

"Fyrus save big light monster!" Fyrus jumped at Lanayru's light, falling through it and sinking into the deep spring. "GLUB GLUB! GLUUUUB..."

Everyone stared at the ripples, unsure of how to move on from that burst of awkwardness. Zant took the initiative. "...Midna. You've defied me yet again, and what a pathetic attempt it is. The Fused Shadows, do you really think such a withered power has the ability to stop me?" The three items they spent so long attaining slipped away, floating around Zant's head momentarily before they disappeared.

"Clearly, yes."

Zant tilted his head mockingly. "Why do you continue to defy your king?"

Midna let out a dry laugh. "My _king_? You have to be joking! All you do is abuse that old magic and claim that it makes you some sort of monarch."

"Now that's a joke. My power was granted to me by my god! It is the magic of a King of Twilight, and you _will_ respect it!"

In the corner, Barinade and Diababa struggled to move the unconscious Bongo Bongo off of them. "This guy, urgh, has some, hrk, mass," Diababa groaned. "Tell him to lose some weight!"

"That will make him quite angry."

"My stem is breaking, I don't really care about his feelings right now!"

"Trust BARINADE, he will break it further."

Zant pinned Midna in place using more magic, turning his helm to Link. The wolf was basically unconscious, unable to fight back when the King of Twilight approached him. Zant withdrew a black crystal, floating it down and using more magic to insert it in the not-hero's forehead.

"A being of darkness working with the creatures of light that once oppressed her. How poetic."

Before Zant could deal with the traitor, one of Bongo Bongo's hands hurled through the air and crashed into the evil king, punching him across the spring. "A magnificent throw!" Barinade cheered, hi-fiving Diababa.

Zant retaliated with a black ball of energy, hitting their joined limbs. "Hey! We were complimenting each other!" Diababa horked up a stream of acidic juices, spraying them at Zant. He hissed as it burned at him, staggering back further.

In retaliation Zant held out his hand, a shockwave throwing Diababa down into the spring. "So sad, these creatures of light. Come now Midna, return to the sweet darkness you covet so much."

"Eat a dick."

Zant frowned under his helmet. "So that is your choice. Then allow me to return you to the light world you love!"

The twilight squares began to disappear and Lanayru burst out of the spring, returning the province to normal. Unfortunately for Midna, she did not turn into a shadow. Instead, she got a nice dose of very painful light poisoning.

Zant was clearly not done, but he was forced to move when Barinade shot at him with a charge of lightning. "Foolish fool! You stand no chance against the beautifully magnificent, unfathomably awesome, spectacularly sexy BARINADE!" The anemone hurled the Megaton Hammer at Zant. It spiralled through the air, meeting with the king's head just as he vanished. The hammer teleported with him. "What? Wait, NO! **NO!**"

-Hyrule Castle-

The moment Zant appeared in the throne room he was smashed off his feet, the hammer bouncing harmlessly on the ground.

"What the hell? You aren't where I expected this level of randomness to come from."

Zant's master helped him to his feet. The King of Twilight managed to stay standing for about three seconds before he crashed to the ground again, mumbling deliriously.

"Shit. Where did this damn hammer... wait... THIS FUCKING HAMMER...!"

-Lanayru's Spring-

"CURSE YOU, ZANT! I _WILL_ RECLAIM THE SACRED HAMMER! BARINADE SHALL NOT BE STOPPED!"

Thanks to the combined efforts of Zant's magic and Lanayru's light, Midna was basically a pale, dying husk of a being.

"Shit, I am so sorry! I would not have popped back up if I knew that would happen!" Lanayru ducked in the spring, making sure no more of his light hit Midna. "Clearly, this is a problem for everyone."

Link came back to consciousness, quickly realizing that he was a wolf again. "AH! NOT AGAIN!"

"Especially those two."

All the companions stared at Link. "Crap, none of you understand me, do you?"

"You're speaking perfect English," Bongo Bongo said. "Why wouldn't we?"

"Huh? But Midna and Zelda said..."

The dying Twili snickered.

"You bitch!"

"Enough goofing around," the light spirit snapped, glaring at all of them. "You have to get to Hyrule Castle. The Princess has a way to deal with both of these problems, so I don't think I need to stress the importance getting to her. I'm a bit weak right now but I can teleport a few of you part of the way."

"We'll be taking our leave," Bongo Bongo interrupted. "I didn't think this Zant was anything big, but getting a few of my old... 'allies' to back us up won't hurt."

"BARINADE must find the hammer!" Barinade shot out of the shrine.

"And he'll be him."

"Fyrus want teleport!" The fire giant started bouncing enthusiastically, shaking the chamber.

Lanayru flinched as cracks spread across the walls of his home. "Aaaand teleporting now."

-Outside Castle Town-

Link, Midna, Diababa, Fyrus, Morpheel and Majora appeared on the outskirts of the city, hidden by the darkness of the night and the blanket of rain. "Stay out here and please don't leave any more impressions on the locals," Link begged to the giants.

"No promises," Diababa cheerfully stated.

"...At least you acknowledged that I said it." Link trudged into the town. He searched for a manhole, knowing that the sewers were the best way to enter the castle. Fortunately, with the night and heavy rain, no one was out and about to report the wolf with a pigmy on its back wandering the roads.

Outside, the trio of bosses sat under a small tree. Fyrus was of course holding it above their heads in a vain attempt to block the rain.

"What's the point of being afraid of rain?" Morpheel scoffed. "The feeling of water on your skin is the greatest thing in the world! And if I were able to control it again, well, let's just say we'd all be in the castle right now."

"Fyrus get cold when Fyrus wet..."

"Can't you use the word 'I'? Come on, say it! 'I'."

"Pie?"

Morpheel's body began to shake. "NO! THAT IS NOT REPRESENTATION OF SELF, THAT IS A BAKED DESSERT! I'm not talking to you anymore. Plant woman, are you sane?"

"Yup!" Diababa responded with an eye-smile. "I'm the sanest sane of all the sane-sanes- Wait... FYRUS, WHY DID YOU TEAR THAT POOR TREE OUT OF THE GROUND?"

"He did that five minutes ago..."

"Fyrus sorry. Fyrus no like rain but Fyrus couldn't fit under tree when in ground."

"But the trees! Fyrus, you need to reconnect its roots! Poor, poor tree. Diababa will make it better, yes she will..."

Morpheel rolled away. "I'm going to hang out with that cricket way over there. He looked like a swell guy. Bunch of nuts. The next boss better be half as awesome as me..."

-Arbiter's Grounds-

A giant skeleton lay dead in the sand. Being dead, it did nothing to convey its personality, effectively making this potential preview a complete waste of space. Here is a scene to make up for this.

-Elsewhere-

Odolwa wiped the sweat from his brow, the last of the monkeys lying dead at his feet. "And that's the end of that chapter of our lives. Sing us out, fishy."

Gyorg tore his foot off.

"HEY! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

-Back in town-

Link barely stopped himself from screaming when he was attacked by a floating ghost, a ghost who happened to be heavily armed mind you, holding a gigantic scythe on one hand. The Poe tried to cut him in two but the wolf dodged, greatly leaning toward 'flight' in this fight or flight situation.

"Pansy," Majora accusingly snickered. "It's a Poe. Just nip on its face a few times and it'll die. Go on, get 'em!"

What Majora failed to mention was how the Poe had much faster reflexes than Link, bashing him over the head when he lunged at it.

"Heeheehee."

Eventually, he tackled it through a nearby window where the Poe met its very toothy end. Link was about to start rapidly apologizing to whoever owned the place, but was immediately transfixed by the piles of gold lining the room _and_ making up its floor. His pupils changed to money signs as he stared, oblivious to his host.

"Um, hello?"

The not-hero jumped in fright. "Hi! Hello, I'm, uh, I'm Link." He looked around, unable to pinpoint the source of the dialogue.

Then a statue of a golden man spoke. "Hello, I'm Jovani. My current form may come as quite a shock, no? You see, long ago, I was cursed by..."

"Less talk," Midna groaned. "Life in danger. Need help. Move forward."

"...and when Mephistopheles tells you not to touch his junk, you do _not_ touch his junk."

"Sorry to interrupt," Link started, "but we really should get going."

Jovani paused. "Understandable. But before you do, could I ask a favour? If it's convenient, could you kill twenty of the ghosts that hold my soul? It might free me and my pet cat Gengle. He's this little thing on my head, isn't he cute?"

"Say yes," Midna moaned. "Need move. Air burning skin. Hate light even when dark."

"Can do."

"Wonderful!"

Link left the house, crawling into a nearby manhole and falling to the sludge below.

-One journey later -

On top of Hyrule Castle, Link was attacked by a giant bird again. He did what any other sane man would do and ran away, leaping through a window to Zelda's tower.

Link landed on top of the shadow beast outside her chamber. "Ow, that wasn't a good feeling," the beast groaned. "Oh, a doggie. Wait, what did my drill sergeant always say to me?"

_"You idiot, you just stabbed a commanding officer! Take that out of my gut and give me ten!"_

"I miss him..." By the time the shadow beast started paying attention, Link was already inside and blocking the door with furniture.

Zelda smacked him with a newspaper. "Hello, princess here! Who said you could move my stuff? Not me? That's what I thought. Wait, why are you a wolf? We're not in twilight anymore... And why does Midna-?"

"Long story short: Zant attacked-"

"DO NOT INTERRUPT PRINCESS MOTHERFUCKING ZELDA! I CAN DO HORRIBLE, _HORRIBLE _ THINGS TO YOUR GENITALS THAT YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM!"

Link went silent.

"Much better. Now, what happened?"

"Uh... Zant attacked us, and... um... I was unconscious for the whole thing, but-"

Majora took over. "Zant kicked their asses, made pretty boy a wolf, then exposed the tiny chick to Lanayru's light. Now everyone's panicking over what to do."

"Doesn't matter why," Midna gasped. "Help now. Fix problem before dead."

"Who the fuck just said the whole story?"

Link revealed the mask stuck hanging on his side. "Hello, I'm Majora. Charmed to meet you."

"...Hi. All right, I'm going to fix all this before it gets even stranger. Link looks like he'll be easier, so I'll deal with him first." The princess held out her hand, the Triforce symbol flashing on her skin. After a few seconds of nothing, she let it fall. "Never mind, you're screwed."

"WHAT?"

"DON'T YELL AT A PRINCESS, SHITHEAD!" Zelda crossed her arms irately, shrugging at him. "A strange magic is holding you in that form. It's beyond my power, so best get used to pissing on trees and eating out of a bowl."

"But... but... thumbs, and..."

Before he could start a tangent, Zelda abruptly snapped her fingers. "Wait, the brilliance of Princess Zelda appears to have come through yet again. What you need is the Master Sword. Go to the Sacred Grove in the Faron Woods and it should be able to return you to your normal form. Evil can't touch it, and evil is keeping you like that, so it'll kill the evil! Ah, it's a good thing I exist."

"Such immodesty, truly you are one worthy of the throne of Hyrule," Majora cackled.

"To me, that's a compliment. Now, about you Midna. I must first inspect the damage done." In clear contrast to her magical inspection of Link, Zelda poked and prodded Midna's fragile form all over, ignoring her outraged cries.

"You know what the problem is!" Midna shouted, trying to shoo her hands away.

Zelda backed off after her curiosity was satisfied. "I'd say you have five minutes to live at this rate."

"Great..."

"But, being me, I have the perfect solution. I-"

"So there's a solution for her-?"

"IF YOU DON'T WANT A SPEAR WITH A HEAD THE SIZE OF YOUR HOUSE RAMMED UP YOUR BLEEDING ASSHOLE, YOU'LL STOP INTERRUPTING ME!" Link backed into a corner. "Now don't worry about what I'm going to do, it's perfectly safe for both parties. It may not seem like it at first, but we'll both be fine."

"Confidence... falling."

Zelda placed her hand on Midna's shoulder, her whole body letting out a radiant glow. The light transferred to Midna, slowly restoring the colour, well, shade, to her skin. "Remember, safe!" Then Zelda disappeared, the light fading away. By the time it was gone, Midna looked perfectly fine.

-In the Sacred Realm-

Farore let an eyebrow raise. "Hey Nayru, yours just disintegrated herself."

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, I don't think she had any idea what she was doing. Used her own life force to make some Twili able to exist in light. Now she's gone."

"DO NOT WANT! UNDO, UNDO!"

"The goddess of wisdom, reduced to such a state," Din sighed, shaking her head. "This is something I'll bring up every day for the rest of time."

Nayru threw her fists into the air, screaming, "MUST FIX!"

-Back with the group of misfits-

Link, Midna and Majora warped from one of the twilight wormholes, popping down in front of the others. The sun was just poking over the horizon, the rain clouds almost completely dispersed. The not-hero trudged to his companions, head down.

"Looks like you're still furry," Morpheel said. "Anyone want to explain what that's about in the first place?"

"We have to go to the Faron Woods," Midna said, ignoring him. "If we're going to get Link out of his cuddly form, we need to get him something called the Master Sword. Anyone heard of it?"

"Aw shit, that thing again," Morpheel groaned, bashing his eye off a tree. "First an idiot, now a coward. So who gets the ultimate weapon next? Do we want to stuff a gorilla in a tutu and hand it the blade of evil's bane? Or maybe a banana tree! Wait, what am I saying? That's perfect! Our next hero will be Link, Hero of the Bahamas! This must be the next plot, the Leviathan has spoken!"

No one had time to comment on Morpheel's fantasies. A giant tetrahedron sprung up around Hyrule Castle, the transparent barrier blocking all access. "They must have caught on," Midna muttered. "It's a good thing we don't exactly need to go back in there anytime soon."

-Two days ago-

A woodpecker flew in through the royal bedroom's window, landing on the inhabitant's wooden dresser. It stared at the sleeping man for a moment, clearly thinking over its current choices. Most birds were prone to fleeing in the presence of human beings, or occasionally other humanoid individuals, so this would clearly be the most preferable choice. It kept them alive after all. But this bird was different. It was on a wooden dresser, and it wanted to peck wood. To add to the temptation, the dresser was made of mahogany. Mahogany. So peck wood it did.

A ball of dark magic barely missed the bird, shattering the bedroom mirror into a thousand shards. The woodpecker fled, barely avoiding a better aimed second shot.

-One day ago-

Because the window was closed this time, the woodpecker was forced to peck right through the glass to reach its mahogany prize. This was _much_ more annoying to the sleeping king. He fired two blasts of magic, both missing in his half-awoken haze, but the woodpecker was wise to his scheme. It fled yet again.

-This morning, two minutes ago-

Zant's master should have known that filling the opening with bricks would do nothing to stop the dedicated woodpecker. This was mahogany after all. The woodpecker brought along a friend, a gargantuan owl known by the other birds as Big Brother, to tear away the pesky stone and mortar.

"Birds have changed since the old days," Big Brother sighed, shaking his head. "I was a figure of power. People took my advice seriously, okay _most_ people took what I had to say seriously. Then that idiot came along and shot me-"

The woodpecker cawed.

"Fine, fine."

The owl ripped the wall open with one swipe, exposing the bedroom to the harsh morning light. The man screamed, jerking upright with lightning flowing from his fingertips.

"Oh, him. I should go." Big Brother dropped out of sight.

"These fucking birds! That's it, no more ANYTHING gets in here!" He summoned up the giant shield around Hyrule Castle. "THERE. IT'S ALL LOCKED OUT. FUCKING DONE."

The woodpecker pecked at his dresser.


	19. Give the Dog a Sword

_Another week, another chapter. I've found that I can completely ignore looking up the source material and get things done in record time when there's no real dialogue to worry about. It also helped that this is basically the last day of little to no workload, so I'm getting this out there quickly._

_Don't forget to vote in the popularity contest if you haven't, please, everything except first place is a three to five way tie. Thanks to the 20 people who have voted so far!_

_Also, prior foreshadowing payoff imminent. _

_Published February 28, 2012_

**Give the Dog a Sword**

Everyone was teleported to the Faron Woods. They had no idea where to go, especially considering there was an entire province to scour, but being in the general area was assumed to be a good start.

"I shall feel the trees, and they'll determine where we will go," Diababa exclaimed, sliding over to a nearby tree and pressing her face against it.

"That's fucking stupid," Morpheel snapped. "Watch and learn, whelps! I'll show you how one who's great _really_ gets things done!" He rolled over to a taller tree, pressing against it. "Now, once I... urgh... roll up it... herk... I'll get a great... come on... bird's eye view of this place... GO UP!"

"Fyrus make puny ear go up!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TOSS ME!" Morpheel screamed, stopping Fyrus in his tracks. "I AM NOT A TOY, I AM A LESSER **GOD**, AND YOU WILL OBEY ME!"

"Oh, okay. Fyrus sorry."

Morpheel stared. "Wait, what?"

"Fyrus sorry."

"You... actually stopped?"

"Fyrus did cease activities, yes."

For a moment, Morpheel was speechless. "Well, um, that's very... ahem. Good, you know your place, Fyrus. Unlike some people, you have common sense."

"Fyrus, this is the voice of the goddesses again," Majora piped in. "Throw Morpheel up really high, will you?"

The giant nodded dopily, reaching for Morpheel again. "Fyrus listen to goddesses."

"Wait, what? NO YOU FOOL, RELEASE ME AT ONCE! YOU WILL SUFFER A THOUSAND-" Morpheel was cut off when Fyrus hurled him up into the air, his screams of rage fading within a second. The eyeball was untraceable a few moments later.

"Fyrus do good?"

"Fyrus do good."

Diababa sprung off the tree, bouncing around excitedly. "And now I know where to go. Let's go, guys!" She led them in a seemingly random direction, giving no time to protest.

"Shouldn't we wait for Morpheel to come back down?" Link asked, hesitantly following.

Majora cackled ominously. "He ain't coming back any time soon."

"If we keep talking, we'll never find the sword," Midna interjected. "So zip it and get moving, furry boy."

Link looked back at her, shoulders drooping. "But we don't even know if this is the right direction. We could comb this forest for years and never find it! I've lived here my whole life, I know."

"What did I just say about talking and moving?"

Diababa brought them deeper into the woods, breaking off of the path and travelling into the brush. She seemed blissfully oblivious to how her companions struggled against nature, pushing through branches and being slapped by low hanging vines.

"Ah, smell that sweet, natural scent," the plant woman sighed, inhaling deeply. "It's times like these that make being alive worth it."

Meanwhile, Link was being strangled by a very sticky vine that had wormed its way around his neck. Midna tore him free with her giant hair hand.

The group wandered for at least an hour, following Diababa as she made various turns through the thick brush. By the time Link's ire peaked, they were covered in grime and his fur was stained horribly. "Do you really know where we're going?"

"Of course I do."

"Then where?"

"This way."

Link cried out in frustration. "But _where_?"

"We're here!" She pushed the branches aside, revealing their destination.

The not-hero just fell over, biting his tail to stop himself from screaming. Midna vocalized his thoughts for him. "This is Lake Hylia."

"Yup!"

"We're not trying to go to Lake Hylia."

"Nope!"

"You're hopeless."

"Yup!"

Midna warped them back to the Faron Woods.

Just as they arrived, Morpheel came crashing down, surrounded by fire, and impacted right on Link's skull, driving both of them into a small crater. "Revenge," Morpheel moaned. "I will have it... someday."

"Throw him again."

"Fyrus obey goddesses!"

"NO. I am Morpheel, the most powerful being you will ever lay your petty eyes upon! Every misdemeanour you inflict upon me will be returned a thousand fold!"

"Did you actually see anything while you were up there?" Midna asked, using her hair hand to grab the eye before Fyrus could.

"No! I was spinning the whole time, it was sickening! All I saw was a blur of green, then white, then black, I think I went into a cloud by the way, then green again, and then the back of this idiot's head."

Link was too unconscious to deliver a rebuttal.

-On the other side of the map-

High above the rough sand of the Gerudo Desert, the King of Twilight brought himself to the open roofed chamber containing his most valuable asset. Held high in the air was the Mirror of Twilight, one of the only ways to enter the Realm of Twilight. "So this is where you will come now."

He continued to stare at the mirror. "Now... what was I going to do again? Oh yes, of course." He held up the Megaton Hammer, pushing all of his power into it, and brought the metal to the mirror's centre.

-Back with the heroes-

Another long stretch of aimless wandering met the group. It became clear their instructions to find a grove in the forest were terrible. They were lost again.

Link spat a leaf out of his mouth. "This is great. I'm stuck as a wolf, probably never going to be a human again, and I'm going to spend the rest of my days wandering this forest with a crazy plant lover, a big guy who can't use pronouns, a girl who sits on my back and keeps treating me like a dog, a psychotic mask that loves my suffering and is probably laughing as I say this, and I don't really know Morpheel well enough to pass judgment on him but I get the feeling he'll get annoying fast."

"I do not get annoying! It is _you_ who will grow to annoy _me_, Morpheel! Don't forget your place for one second, wretch!"

"Right. This is going to be the worst last days evaaAHHHH!"

On the last word, Link found that his foot was landing upon air instead of solid ground. With a scream he fell, tumbling down the cliff and landing in a heap of fur and dirt. "I stand corrected. This-"

"You're not standing, you silly goose," Diababa laughed, her eye popping out of the ground next to him.

"...I don't even have the resolve to finish my sentence."

"I AM ROLLING, STOP ME IMMEDIATELY! SHIT!" Morpheel landed next to him. "What's that rock?"

Link was horrified to learn that they fell right next to another howling stone. "Oh no. No no no no no!"

The golden wolf popped up from behind the stone. "Yup! It's me again, ready for another round of wolf style duets! Ready, Link?"

"No."

"C'mon... Hey Morpha, what's up?"

Morpheel regarded the newcomer, not recognizing him but finding himself unable to shake this feeling of familiarity. It was a sense that sent shivers throughout his body, leaving him with the sensation that he would not be sleeping that night. "Fine... do I know you? I don't think I do, but I want you dead already and that's not a normal first impression."

"Aw, you don't remember me? We went on so many adventures together."

"Adventurers... Wait, are you..."

"Yup!"

Morpheel began to shake, his pupil shrinking to the size of a pinhead. "But...! I don't... WHAT? How are you... wait, why is this surprising me? This is slightly abnormal, but I've seen weirder. So why haven't you moved on yet?"

"That time will come eventually, but until then we can still be buds." The wolf trotted over to Morpheel, plopping down next to him and smiling. "Is it just me, or do you look different?"

"I am Morpheel, Leviathan..."

Midna jabbed Link behind the ear. "Just howl with him, it'll get rid of the idiot!"

"I have barely any dignity left, and I want to keep the one percent that remains."

She twisted his ear roughly, yanking it up to her mouth. "Dignity isn't physical. I can take the physical away, believe me..."

"OW, ALL RIGHT, I'LL HOWL!"

"...and then when I rose from the waters, bearing my gargantuan true form, they knew true fea-"

The golden wolf's attention was tugged from Morpheel to Link in less than a second. "You will? That's great! We'll have so much fun, and I know the perfect song."

"This is a terrible idea..."

The golden wolf howled the Sonata of Awakening, Link reluctantly imitating him. With a happy yip, the golden wolf disappeared. Sadly, this song had the effect of waking up a nearby Skull Kid. The Skull Kid laughed, summoned up a colossal amount of strange puppet creatures, and ran away.

"And everything in the world continues to try to kill me," Link groaned, pushing his face into the dirt.

"Now that's no attitude to take!" A giant sword sliced all the monsters in half. Odolwa leapt into the fray, striking a dynamic pose amidst the pile of broken parts. "Never fear, the Masked Jungle Warrior Odolwa is here!" He sheathed his blade. "Now... who are all of you?"

There was a quick reintroduction.

"Ah, I see. Since you're all here, who wants to help me find and save Gyorg? I mean, I know he's probably suffering and that's hilarious, but it's so much better when I'm the one administering his pain."

Without telling them what they were saving Gyorg from, Odolwa set off. Link decided to follow the swordsman, having nothing better to do with his life at this point.

They were attacked by another group of puppet monsters, easily dispatching them. "This is just like the good old days, killing random enemies with ease alongside a group of assorted monsters..."

"Those days were shit and you know it," Morpheel grunted.

Diababa plucked him off the ground. "Really? It sounds like so much fun! I'd love to have the companionship you guys have. Being able to talk so casually about hurting each other; you're true friends."

"I hate you all."

The Skull Kid was sitting in a nearby tree, legs dangling off the branch. Diababa stopped, forcing them all into a group huddle a few feet away. "We need an attack plan," she whispered.

"Fyrus rip puny tree-"

"NO. The plants just want you to respect them, they don't appreciate being torn out of the ground!"

"We should throw Morpheel at him," Majora cackled.

"I kicked your ass once, mask, I can do it again," the eye hissed, trying to glare at him. "Damn, I need eyelids again..."

The wooden chunk of evil giggled again. "Right, I completely forgot how badly it hurt when Barinade threw you at me. Oh please, great Morpheel, don't ever let me feel that pain again."

"I'm going to pretend none of that was sarcastic and that you're legitimately afraid of me."

"Guys," Link interrupted, "focus."

Midna looked up, sighing impatiently. "He ran away, so I don't think we need to be huddled like this anymore."

"It builds team spirit," Diababa said.

Odolwa hummed contently, deeply inhaling the air around them. "Someone here smells like raspberries. I like raspberries." That and an intense tongue-flicker was enough to break apart the huddle.

"I have an idea," Link said, desperate to get them back on track and away from that terror. "Since Odolwa here has a ten foot sword, he can jump up... and _stab_ the little bastard."

Morpheel scoofed. "And if he trips over his own feet and stabs himself through the neck? I don't trust the idiot not to..." The ball paused. "Actually, go ahead. It's a win-win situation."

On Link's back, Midna rolled her eyes at them. "How about this: we ignore it, and find the sacred grove."

"Fyrus want to crush puny imp man!"

"Find the grove."

They went north for exactly twelve and a half seconds. After those twelve and a half seconds, the group was in some sort of ruins that were overgrown with plant life and just about ready to fall down on them. At the sight of this, Link became legitimately excited. He was very, very close to being human again after all. Unable to wait, he ran further in.

A few of the Skull Kid's puppets blindsided him. "OW. That was a bad idea..."

The bugger laughed, summoning up more to fight them. "You guys just don't give up, do you?"

"Doesn't Give Up is my middle name," Odolwa proclaimed. "My parents weren't very good at the whole naming thing. I don't think they even knew what my name was to be honest." He proceeded to dismember all the puppets with a spin attack.

"Fyrus demolish!" The fire giant tore up a stone column, hurling it at the imp. The Skull Kid disappeared just before it hit him, reappearing atop a nearby ruined wall.

Link ran up the wall, teeth barred, and lunged at him. The Skull Kid hopped over the wolf, swiping the mask attached to his side in the process. "Hey, what's this?" He put Majora's Mask on, shaking his head a few times. "I'm getting sudden urges to kill all life on this planet..."

"HI!" Diababa popped up behind him, smashing her bulbs into the imp's back. He went flying, Majora going back to Link, and crashed into another wall.

"Fyrus obliterate!" This time, Fyrus tore the wall the Skull Kid was stuck against out of the ground, throwing it with all of his might. As this was a substantial amount of might, the wall went far, very far, with the screaming Skull Kid still attached. Just like Morpheel, they were soon out of sight.

"A ten point throw," Diababa exclaimed, hi-fiving the giant.

"Yay!"

"Less talk, more moving," Link said, walking past them.

Midna scratched behind his ear. "That's surprising to hear from you."

"I want two legs again."

Their next trial came in the form of two statues standing next to each other as though guarding the blank wall between them. "If you wish to enter the Sacred Grove, you must pass our trials," the left statue said.

"And if you fail, we will CRUSH you like a little baby man!" the right laughed, bashing its hammer off the ground.

"No, we won't," the left snapped. "We'll let you try again until you give up and go home, isn't that right?"

"But I wanna CRUSH their bones to dust and use them to bake bread..."

"No."

"C'mon, just one CRUSHing..."

"No!"

"See the little eyeball? He looks like he'll CRUSH into a wee little pancake, then we can pour syrup on him and eat him like breakfast, yeah?"

"If you so much as approach me, I will annihilate you!" Morpheel roared.

"Aw, the wee little eyeball man thinks he's threatening."

"Wee little eyeball man? I am Morpheel, the great Leviathan, and if you don't learn to respect me then I will have to force you to!"

"Go ahead, force me."

Link cleared his throat, getting the statues' attention and nudging Morpheel away. "If there's no penalty for losing, can we start this trial?"

"Of course, chosen hero," the left statue said.

"Not a hero. Just a poor sap who's almost out of this forever."

"Whatever you say, Mr. Not-Hero."

The arena changed, morphing into a pit with a series of floating blocks positioned throughout it. Link was in the middle, a statue in front of and behind him. "Return us to our starting positions," the front statue said. "We will move as you do. Should you have any questions or wish to restart, we will happily oblige."

"And if it's a stupid question, I'll CRUSH every bone in your body and suck up the pasty mush that remains through my butthole!" the other shouted.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Don't ask that," the sane statue sighed, shaking his head. "I've been trying to figure out for fifty years."

Link jumped left, noticing that one statue went left with him and the other right. With this in mind, he began to formulate a plan.

"LEFT!" Diababa shouted. "Go left! Wait, no, right! No, left!"

"Stop trying to help!" In his moment of distraction, Link ended up in a corner with the statues facing him on both sides. "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

"Want to restart?"

"Can I kill you?"

"Yes and NO."

"Can I _not_ kill you?"

"N- Er, yes?"

"Can I not not not kill you?"

"You can't kill me!"

"Is that a challenge?"

"I don't want to die, period!"

They reset the puzzle, starting over. Link tried to get them in the right places again, but somehow ended up with one of the stone giants standing on top of him. "HOW DID _THIS_ HAPPEN?"

"Want to restart?" the sane statue asked, seemingly not caring that he was crushing poor Link's bones.

The other statue rubbed his hands together, laughing maniacally. "CRUSH, CRUUUUSH, yesssss..."

"I want to tag out, actually..." He hobbled away from the puzzle, collapsing in front of his companions. "Someone take over, ow..."

Odolwa cracked his fingers, approaching the problem. "Easy enough."

-One minute later-

"Like I said, easy." Somehow, Odolwa was hanging from the edge of the block, a giant latched on to each of his legs.

"And this is why you don't jump diagonally!" the sane statue roared, sliding another inch down his ankle.

"Pull me up!" the psychotic one cried, his whole body wrapped around the jungle warrior's knee. "I don't want to die!"

Link raised an eyebrow. "Well well, the tables have turned..."

-One recovery later-

It was time for Fyrus to take a go at it. With an excited cheer, he jumped onto the first block and started to traverse them in a completely random order. "Knowing my luck, he'll get it on the first try," Link grunted.

"He's just jumping back and forth between the same two blocks now," Midna said.

"Scratch that."

Morpheel was next up. "As great as I might be, HOW DO YOU RETARDS EXPECT ME TO JUMP?"

It was soon Diababa's turn. She bounced from one stone to another, moving with intense vigour. The statues struggled to jump along with her and quickly became confused, lagging at least three steps behind. "Slow down!" the sane one shouted, almost falling in his haste.

"I- WAH!" The psychotic giant tripped, landing face first on the next block. Diababa hopped on top of him, moving on without a care.

"Wee! Come on, where's your natural spirit? We need to jump like there's no tomorrow!"

"We're magic statues, we ain't natural!" The sane statue eventually stopped, trying to catch his bearings. "Now where-"

The plant wrapped her arm around the other statue, plopping him next to the sane one. "There! Back in your original spots."

"I... whatever. Go on in, take the sword, and please don't come back."

"Cruuuuush..."

"Shut up."

-The next area-

In the centre of the giant clearing sat the Master Sword, sticking firmly from a block of carefully carved stone. The blade of evil's bane gleamed even with the lack of sunlight, drawing Link and the others closer. "So... this will make me a human again?"

"Of course it will!" Morpheel shouted, wobbling around. "It's the fabled Master Sword! It's quite well known for its ability to... uh... reverse lycanthropy...? Does it do that? I don't remember it ever doing that."

Odolwa scooped the ball up, sagely nodding his head. "Everything is worth a shot so long as you have an arrow to spare."

"Uh, it's my life. I don't have a spare."

Midna held up a bottled fairy.

"I guess I do have one to spare..."

Link climbed up to the sword, looking at it from every angle he could. Seeing nothing else to do, he reached up and tried to yank it out with his paws. This failed.

"Put it in your mouth," Majora suggested.

"I'm never doing _anything_ you say I should."

"Put it in your mouth!" Diababa shouted encouragingly.

"Or anyone except maybe Midna and Morpheel."

Midna propped her feet up on his head. "Put it in your mouth, furry-boy."

Link continued to pull on the sword, pushing his hind legs against the stone base. It didn't budge.

"Stop pulling sideways and lift!" Morpheel snapped. "Come on, you're supposed to be the smart one!"

"It's hard being a wolf!" Link put his paws under the hilt, lifting the blade toward the sky. It slid out with ease, and in a flash of darkness he was a person again. "YES!"

The darkness turned into the crystal Zant used to make him that form. Midna tapped him with it, turning him back into a wolf.

"NO!"

She took it away. He became human.

"...Yes?"

"You got the Transformation Crystal Thing!" Odolwa exclaimed. "Use it to transform back into a beast at anytime. Its dark energy is of a completely unknown origin, so be careful with it."

Midna slipped the crystal into her helmet. "Thank you for that."

Across the clearing, the rest of the monsters were inspecting the area. "It's strange," Morpheel said. "I could've sworn that thing was left in a standing temple near the middle of Hyrule."

"Fyrus think shiny sword wanted better view, so shiny sword hopped to forest and stabbed rock. Poor rock, Fyrus feel sorry for rock."

"...You know, I was never close to being the smartest member of the old gang. But next to you two, I feel brilliant."

Back with Link, the not-hero was taking the time to inspect his new sword. He gave the steel a few hesitant swings, finding it satisfactory for a blade that had been sitting in the forest for who knows how long. "It's official. You're the hero," Odolwa said, patting him on the back.

"No I'm not."

"You've been chosen to wield the most sacred sword in the world, have a reason to personally dislike your main antagonist, and it's all just in time for stage two of your adventure, which I will sadly not be able to join you on. If you'll excuse me, I think I hear the sound of a fish suffering."

"No." Link sheathed the sword. "I'm going home, and none of you are going to stop me."

Midna popped up right in front of him, hands on her hips. "Now hold on. We need to get to the Mirror of Twilight. It's the last connection to Zant, and I'm not letting it slip through our fingers like the Fused Shadows!"

"No. I was contracted to get the Fused Shadows, and I did. Now I want to go home where everything isn't trying to kill me!"

-Ordona border-

Link stared up at the wall of twilight, mouth agape. His neck twitched every so often. Of course, Majora was cackling unendingly at his shocked state. "I... but... how... why... when..."

"So..." Midna took a seat on his head, half-heartedly inspecting her nails. "Mirror of Twilight then?"

"...Mirror of Twilight."


	20. Breaking Points

_This took much longer to get out than anticipated. The OoT and MM character polls are done, and we have results I've been waiting so long to announce!_

_With a pitiful zero votes, last place was held by Volvagia, Gyorg, Twinmold, Tatl, Igos du Ikana and Skull Kid!  
>In eighth place, with one vote, were Ganondorf and Twinrova!<br>In seventh place, with 2 votes, were Navi, King Dodongo and Kaepora Gaebora!  
>In sixth place, with 3 votes, were Zelda and Morpha!<br>In fifth place, with 4 votes, were Phantom Ganon, Goht, and Gate!  
>In fourth place, with 5 votes, was Gohma!<br>In third place, with 6 votes, were Majora and the Postman!  
>In second place, with 9 votes, were Link, Bongo Bongo and Odolwa!<br>In first place, with a staggering 14 votes, was Barinade!_

_I think most of us saw that winner coming. Bongo Bongo and Ganondorf were the shockers for me; I wasn't expecting one so high and the other so low. I guess it just shows how I don't know everything about you guys. Also, my god, so many ties... There was a few hours in there with a clear first through fifth, then this happened._

_But that's enough of that. I'll be more than happy to carry on through messages, but if the fact that there were 29 voters out of several hundred readers tells me anything it's that most of you don't care and just want to see the chapter. So I shall delay no longer, with a chapter where many characters delve further into the depths of insanity. _

_Published March 13, 2012  
><em>

**Breaking Points**

Zant returned to find his master screaming out the window, an aura of pure rage radiating off the king. "My lord? Are, are you all right?"

"Quiet," he hissed, returning his attention to the outside. "I'm not dropping the goddamn barrier! Burrow or something. There're burrowing owls out there, right?"

"Do I look like a burrowing owl?" Kaepora Gaebora shouted from another tower. "I can't get out unless you put that shield down. You can't kill me. You can't even hit me. If you don't want me here, let me out."

The man growled, shooting a blast of lightning at the bird. Kae Gae hopped up a few shingles, easily dodging. "Come on, you're much more mature than this. Just let me out."

Zant's master turned to the King of Twilight, sighing. "I'm going out for a while. Look after the castle while I'm gone." The woodpecker started jabbing at a nearby painting. "And if you kill that bird, you get the throne for a day."

"Of course, my lord." Zant hoisted the Megaton Hammer up onto his shoulder, chuckling sadistically. "If something needs to be crushed, I'm always eager."

"...Right. That's completely out of character for you to say, you know that, right?"

Zant tilted his head, shrugging his free shoulder. "I've felt quite energetic as of late. Full of life and murderous intent you might say."

The King chuckled. "I can admire that in a man. Keep up the good work, and I may even have a party for you afterwards."

"Please don't, sir."

-Temple of Time-

"HEY, ANYONE HERE?" Gyorg shouted from the grand temple's foyer. "Where the hell am I? Anyone in here?" He flopped around a large statue of a Hylian man, scowling at its smug grin before resuming his search for the exit. The fish wandered into the next room, forcing the door open.

Inside, systematically tearing the heads off every statue in the room, was the two legged scorpion-arachnid Queen Gohma. Gyorg flopped over to her. "Hey, Queen bitchiness! Get me out of here."

"No."

"Fuck you. Do it."

"No." Gohma moved to the next statue.

"Get me out of here!"

Gohma broke the statue's neck, letting out a sigh. After a second of hesitance, she snapped Gyorg up in a pincer and started walking to the exit. "You're never coming back."

"Don't plan to. Hate you."

The arachnid threw open the dimensional door, stepping out and dropping Gyorg in the dirt. She took a second to scan the clearing, noticing an absence. "Where'd the Master Sword go?" she asked.

"No clue. The giant idiot probably had something to do with it. Speaking of which, I need to get going before he gets here."

Suddenly, the door snapped shut behind Gohma. She jerked around, eye widening. "Hey! Armog! Open the damn door!" From where the entrance used to be came a wicked, cackling laugh. Gohma glared at the open air, eyelid twitching erratically.

"Well, have fun with that," Gyorg shouted merrily, already halfway across the glade. "If you need any help, I don't give a shit so don't bother asking."

-Back with our primary protagonists-

"Remember when I told you that smacking people with a shield was setup for another, even better move?" the hero's shade asked Link excitedly.

"Not really."

"Well this is it! Now you can stab people after you smack them."

"I already do that."

"But now it's in the head!"

"Stabbing someone in the head sounds difficult, what with your skull being round."

"That's why you slash them with your stab."

"I don't think you realize what these words mean."

"Of course I do, I'm a sword-man. Slash is slash, stab is stab, uppercut is smacky-up-"

"Uppercut is not a sword term."

"It is when I use swords. Now let's get to teaching you the Helm Splitter..."

After a quick exchange of strikes, Link returned to the regular reality with a splitting headache. "I hate your old friend," he muttered to Morpheel.

The eye chuckled dryly. "He is no friend, he was my greatest foe. There will come a time when you must fill the hole in my hatred his death created. Be ready, and be afraid."

"...Why are we keeping you?"

Diababa answered this by cuddling Morpheel. "Because he's so cute!"

"I AM NOT CUTE!"

In an attempt to get them moving, Link decided to walk away. The other followed soon after, following like a pack of sheep just as predicted, and continued with their bickering and insane antics on the move. They reached the vast emptiness of Hyrule Field, starting to plan their next course of action.

"MR LIIINK!" The postman trotted across the clearing, stopping in front of the not-hero.

"What the hell is that thing?" Morpheel asked, recoiling in shock. It was horrifying, but he couldn't take his eye away. "Is that even human?"

"I have four deliveries."

The postman handed the first to Link. He pulled it open, reading the contents. "Telma apparently has a group of adventurers she wants me to meet. Might as well do that first."

The next was given to Fyrus. "Fyrus mom send cookies!"

Morpheel was showed the third letter. "Hey, I won a free recliner! All I need to do is ship my credit card and it will be delivered right to me. _This_ is how you treat a god!"

Lastly, the postman pulled out a package. Diababa was next to him immediately, her eye inches from the parcel. "Is that what I think it is?"

"No."

The package was given to Midna. She hesitantly opened it, but the moment the packaging came undone a boxing glove shot out and punched her out of the air. It happened to have a picture of Zant's helmet glued to the fist. "Son of a..."

-Hyrule Castle Town-

Link slipped into Telma's Bar with Midna in his shadow, Majora in his pack and Morpheel under his arm. He was a bit hesitant on the last one, worried that most people wouldn't take a giant detached eyeball staring at them very well, but he had insisted. "Hello?"

"Ah, honey, glad you could make it," the owner greeted. "How've you been late- Um... is that an eye?"

"I am Morpheel, the mighty Leviathan!"

"All righty. I was just talking about you, good timing. Hey!" she called out to a table near the back. "Everyone, introduce yourselves."

Three people sat at the table: a tidy looking man, a knightly looking woman, and someone with a large helmet obscuring his face. Link lightly waved.

"They're the people I mentioned who are trying to solve all the major problems in Hyrule, and your help would be great."

"Three people?"

"Well, there's one more, but he's checking something near the Gerudo Desert."

"Oh, _four_ people then. That changes everything," his mask said, probably rolling its eyes if it could.

"He's an older guy named Auru, so if you happen to see him, take the time to talk with him."

"He's probably firing chickens out of that cannon again," the woman sighed. "For science and all that."

"Doing anything with science in mind is a worthy goal," the tidy man retorted, raising his glass into the air. "To science!"

She smacked his toast away. "But he's _not_ doing it for science. He's making bets on it, I've seen it before."

"A man firing cuccos from a cannon for money? Link, bring me to this man at once!" Morpheel dramatically ordered, shaking around.

Link ignored him for now, instead approaching the table. "Uh, hi."

"Hello there, Link. I'm Shad, a pleasure to meet you," the fancy man said, frantically shaking the teen's hand. "Would you happen to be a man interested in pursuing the quest of scientific discovery?"

"I... don't see why not."

The woman slowly did a double facepalm. "Dear goddesses, why did you have to say that?"

"Quiet Ashei, we have a man of science on our hands! I want you to help me with an experiment." Shad pulled a shiny red apple out of his pouch, clearly freshly picked, putting it in Link's hands. "Keep this, and tell me how it reacts to various environments."

"O...kay...?" He glanced at Ashei, begging for some sort of clue.

"Just be glad you weren't the test subject for the grapefruit. If I hadn't gotten that lucky hit, it would have eaten my whole arm."

"WHAT?"

"My dear, how many times must I apologize? I didn't know Dodongo DNA got into the mixture."

Link held the apple at arm's length, staring at it intently. "Should I be worried?"

"For your life."

"Not at all! It's perfectly safe this time, I promise."

"This time?" Morpheel questioned suspiciously. "What happened last time?"

Shad flipped open a worn, clearly personal notebook. "The first time, it exploded when exposed to high altitudes."

"Um..."

"On the second, it grew to a hundred times its normal size when placed underwater."

"UM..."

"The third experiment merged with the subject's hand and granted him plant based superpowers in the cold. Then it exploded."

"I'm not feeling up to this anymore."

"The fourth collapsed into a black hole and annihilated everything within a ten kilometre radius."

"KEEP THE APPLE." Link threw it onto the table, backing away.

"It's too late," Ashei said. "He won't give up now. Just watch."

As predicted, Shad forced the apple back in his hands and closed the unwilling Hylian's fingers around it.. "Nonsense, it's perfectly safe this time. Please, I'm counting on you to get accurate results."

Link hesitantly dropped the apple in his pack, planning to dispose of it outside. "Hey, keep that thing away from me!" Majora hissed.

Moving on to the last person sitting at the table, Link approached the man in the iron mask. "Er, hi."

"Hello, Link."

That voice was eerily familiar. "...Rusl? Why are you dressed like that?"

Rusl perched his elbows on the table, tenting his fingers maniacally. "I'm resubmitting my play under the alias of Ulrich von Liechtenstein. I'm thinking they rejected it last time because I was some nobody from the country, but now I have a fancy name."

"And the fact that you insisted that they flood the stage for that one really short scene."

"I could help flood things," Majora piped in. Link punched his bag.

"And," Rusl continued, seemingly not noticing the voice, "if they reject it, I can burn the place down and discard the name. They'll be searching for Ulrich von Liechtenstein for _years_, oh ho ho..."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that and leave now."

At Morpheel's insistence, their next goal was to find Auru and blast Cuccos out of a giant cannon. They warped to Lake Hylia, immediately noticing that they had found him. Auru and Fyer were standing next to the latter's giant cannon, aiming it to the north.

"That island out there," Auru said, placing a red rupee on the table. Fyer fired, a single Cucco blasting from the top. It fell just short of the island, splashing in the lake.

"Damn." Fyer threw his own red rupee on the table, Auru taking both of them.

Morpheel broke out of Link's grip, rolling over to them. "You two! I find your actions hilarious. I request five Cuccos at once!"

"Hey, Fyer, think you could send this one into the Gerudo Desert?" Auru placed a red rupee down.

"Easy."

"Wait, NO! RELEASE ME AT ONCE! YOU ARE MEDDLING WITH FORCES YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND!" Morpheel was shoved into the cannon's entrance, silencing him. It turned, pointing to the west, and the eye was sent flying. The ball easily cleared the western cliff, entering the desert.

Fyer took the rupee, smiling. "Like I said, easy. I could launch a person that far with this thing."

"Ha! That's I'd like to see."

Link turned to Diababa. "If anyone tries to force me into that, kiss them."

"With pleasure."

The not-hero cautiously approached the two, Diababa merrily hopping next to him. "Um, hello?"

The insane two looked over at him. "Hm? Oh, you're Link, aren't you? Telma told me how you'd be dressed."

"Yes, it's not very dignified."

Auru placed a hand on his chin, stroking it in thought. "This is perfect timing, actually. You've likely heard of the strange happenings in the Gerudo Desert, correct?"

"No..."

"Well, a long time ago the desert held a prison, a place where the worst criminals you could find in the world were kept. The criminals sentenced to death were said to be sent to the underworld with a strange mirror they had, the window to hell as some would call it." Link's shadow began to stir at this. "But now, no one can even get there with how hostile the desert has been. It was condemned ages ago though, so I don't see why anyone would want to. It's said that the ghosts of the people left there still haunt the place. Scary, eh?"

"That sounds so cool!" Diababa shouted, bouncing excitedly. "Let's go, I wanna see the ghosts!"

His shadow shuddered again, a small finger jutting out of it. Following the digit, Link noticed that it was pointing at the cannon. "Oh no."

"Aw, why not?" Diababa pouted, leaves drooping in disappointment.

"What? No, not you. I mean, yes, you, how are we going to get there without climbing the whole thing?"

Auru, Fyer and Diababa stared at the cannon.

"No."

-One cannon flight later-

Link pulled his face out of the sand, coughing up the decimated rock. The unfortunate boy rolled onto his back, forcing his eyes to look for his similarly fated companions. Diababa was sticking out of the ground not far away, like some horrifying flower, and Fyrus could only be seen by his ankles. The rest was underground.

"Link, could you reach in here for a moment?" Majora asked. Link reluctantly reached into his pack, knowing everything was wrong when something wet and sticky latched onto his hand.

"AH!"

The apple had sprouted a tentacle where its stem should have been and was curling around his arm, the fruit itself producing a sizzling sound in its new sentience. Link tugged on it, ripping the suckers off his skin, and threw the fruit on the ground. It proceeded to crawl away, using its single limb to drag its body through the sands.

"WHAT THE HELL? I'm gonna kill him!"

Meanwhile, Shad was physically merging a cannon to a wild deer.

"You know, that really does remind me of the great power Zant used to take over the Twilight Realm," Midna commented, watching the apple crawl through the sands.

Link also stared at the sin against nature. "How?"

"He has many powers that you've seen. There's manipulation of dark energy, flight, pulling and pushing people, converting the light world to Twilight, tearing a hole between the two worlds; but the one that allowed him to truly conquer our people was the summoning of a gigantic... thing with lots of tentacles."

"Um..."

"It just tore right through everything, yup."

"What exactly are we up against?"

"Don't worry, as long as you can stab him through the face it'll be fine."

-Meanwhile-

"AH! There's sand in my eye! Wait, I'm _just _an eye... **AHHH!**" Morpheel flailed wildly, shaking himself out of the dunes.

Suddenly, a hand burst from sand next to him. "AH!" An arm followed the hand, then a shoulder, then a head, then a torso, then another shoulder, then the other arm, then an abdomen, then the hips, then the first leg, and finally the last leg.

-Back with Link-

"And that's the Mortal Draw," the hero's shade said, nodding happily. He picked up the top half of Link's body, shaking a bloody hand. "Congrats, you're almost done! Just two more to go, and boy are they good ones. See you in a bit!"

The halved sap was returned to the real world, thankfully whole again. "I hate him. I hate him so much... Why have I been seeing him so much more lately?"

"If you hate him, why do you keep saying _yes_ to 'want to learn a new move?'" Majora asked, likely actually rolling its eyes this time.

"He'll bug me until I do, you know that. I'll get hurt anyway, so I might as well get it out of the way."

"You're such a joy to be around."

"And you're a sadistic bastard."

"This is why we get along."

Their Twili companion cleared her throat, placing her hands on her hips and glaring at them. "Stop making out you two. Mirror of Twilight. If you're going to let your mouths run, at least put them on your feet first."

"I don't have a mouth," the mask said, cackling joyfully. She shoved them, putting Link's legs in gear.

The desert was harsh, the searing ball of nuclear fusion's cruel rays undeterred by the sandstorm that was building up around them. Every step was a task, Link's feet constantly sinking into freshly turned sand and, before he could pull them out, being covered in even more by the wind. Pulling up the collar of his tunic he trudged onward, constantly cursing this fate.

Right behind him, Diababa was happily bounding through the cutting winds, eye wide with glee. "This is all natural guys! Can you feel the lack of man's touch? No? That's because it ain't there to not feel! I could get used to this, mmm..." She jumped into the next dune, waggling around until all that stuck out was her main stalk. "Don't you guys love this?"

"Hate," Link growled. "All I feel is hate and contempt for those around me."

"Fyrus like hot ball! Fyrus want!" In his attempt to claim the sun as his own, the fire giant's jump and subsequent landing created a massive shockwave, effectively dispelling the storm around them. Link would have been the first to declare his appreciation had he not also been blown away.

"AHHHHHHHH!"

This lessened his enjoyment.

Once the not-hero pulled himself out of the large ravine Fyrus knocked him down, their journey continued.

"Fyrus."

"Fyrus?" the second boss responded.

"Fyrus. We have a ground rule to add."

"Fyrus listen."

"You will no longer perform any physical action until gaining my permission. Do you agree to these terms?"

"What terms?" the mask interjected. "You just gave him an order. That's not very kind of you, Link."

"I know. Fyrus, do you agree?"

"Does Fyrus agree?"

"That's... Is it a yes or no?"

"Yes it is a yes or no."

"Well which one?"

Fyrus pointed ahead of them, grinning. "That one!"

A quick glance told Link he was pointing at nothing. "I need you to answer me with a yes, or a no. Choose yes or no, please..."

"Why can't Fyrus have both?"

"Because life sucks and you don't get nice things. Now tell me!"

"Okay!" Fyrus kept staring at him.

"GAH!" Link threw his hands up, kicking a clump of sand into the air. "WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN IDIOT?"

"Fyrus sorry..."

"NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

"Also true."

In the midst of his rage, Midna happily plopped on Link's shoulder. She grabbed him by the head, pointing it to the right. "If you're done taking another year off your heart's lifecycle, take a look over there."

The Arbiter's Grounds poked over the dunes in the distance, standing tall like a monument to some long forgotten civilization... even though it was abandoned recently by a still existing society. It was a good simile.

"Let's just get there already..."

* * *

><p><strong>WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN<strong>

Last chapter was originally going to be the group wandering the forest for 2500 words, getting lost constantly and going through the usual zany antics. They were then going to stumble upon the Master Sword, completely skipping the puzzles and Skull Kid, and that would be that. But I wanted the Skull Kid to suffer a little, so I had them fight it. Then I got the ideas for the block puzzle, and wrote that. This has been a look into my pre-writing process. I change my mind a lot. It has hopefully been informative.


	21. Dickery Knows No Bounds

_All three current GoW stories have been getting a lot of activity around them lately. To all current, past and future readers, you're all awesome ^_^_

_Not much to say about the chapter itself. So... here it is!_

_Published April 7, 2012_

**Dickery Knows No Bounds**

"Where exactly _are_ we?" Morpheel asked, the eye whirling around. "If you say 'the desert' you die."

"We're at the north part of the desert, very close to a Bulblin camp," Phantom Ganon said. He pointed just under the Arbiter's Grounds, revealing small wooden structures. "They've been active in that place a lot recently. I've been trying to sneak in and see what they're up to, but there's so many that I get seen too quickly."

"Ah." For a minute they traveled without words, the eye held under Phantom's arm and the ghostly double himself floating inches above the sand. "Now, I've been meaning to ask... why were you under the sand?"

Phantom stopped, tilting his head down and delving into the deepest recesses of his memories. "I... don't... know."

"Of course."

-Meanwhile-

"Night time was falling in the Gerudo Desert. The intense heat faded with the light and the air grew chilly. It was during these times that the vast sands became just as hazardous as they would be in midday, all heat vanishing as to allow an intense cold to sweep the lands. But such was the natural cycle, and nature is an unstoppable force."

"Thank you for that Dia. Now does anyone know how much longer this will take?" Link's feet were aching.

"Nope," Diababa joyfully said.

"Fyrus no know," Fyrus mumbled.

"Not a clue," Midna sighed.

"Longer," Majora helpfully said.

"Great."

The trip was mostly uneventful. At one point Fyrus decided that it would be a fantastic idea to eat a cactus. The others tried to stop him, but their efforts were in vain. Unfortunately, his insides were not as durable as his outsides, and the following rampage almost completely obliterated the region's geography. But that's not today's story.

"What's that?" Link asked, staring confusedly to the left.

On a nearby plateau was a very unnatural object, what looked like some kind of solid brick tower. "It's a bridge!" Fyrus exclaimed, running at the pillar.

"That does kind of look like the part of the Bridge of Eldin that was teleported away," Link said. "But how did it get-"

Fyrus grabbed the chunk of rock, tearing it up from the sand and stone. "Fyrus weapon!" He whirled around, smacking Diababa over the head as he did so. She fell quickly.

Link flinched at this. "If you're going to almost kill us, you can't keep that."

"Fyrus sorry. Fyrus learn how to appropriately gauge distances as to prevent such a mishap from mishappening again."

"You know, you were doing good until the end there. Whatever. Let's go."

"HOOOOLE!" Diababa screamed just as he took his first step away, eye rolled into the back of her head. "There's... there's a hole... under the bridge... hoooole... it's a pretty hole. I wanna hole..."

"Could someone carry her?"

"Fyrus carry!"

"...I'd ask if there was anyone else, but Midna's tiny and Majora... we all know how Majora is."

"I'm a prick," the mask piped in.

"That's putting it lightly."

"I'm not tiny," the Twili interrupted, glaring fiercely at the Ordonian. "Normally I'm quite well proportioned, but- shut up!" She crossed her arms, curtly looking away.

In his pack, the purple heart cackled delightfully. "Excellent! You've found a nerve, my apprentice. The next step is to press the might of your words against it in small increments, gradually seeing how much she can take before resorting to physical retribution."

"I'm not listening to you." He started to walk toward the Arbiter's Grounds, an irate interdimensional being and a load bearing giant right behind him.

"C'mon, it'll be fun!"

Link said nothing.

"Oh, the silent treatment, how passé. Bitch, I lived in silence for at _least_ three millennia. You think a hick farmhand not talking for ten minutes will have any effect?"

Link's cheek twitched.

"I think I just found another one of your nerves! Excellent! I wonder if you're also sensitive about your very feminine features. Honestly, if it weren't for the voice and shoulder proportions, I'd think you were a girl with a jaw line like that."

"You love hearing your own voice, don't you?"

"Voice? I don't even have a voice kiddo, I'm just psychically projecting my thoughts to everything around me. I could take on a funny accent if you want to make my taunting more pleasurable to listen to."

Link's pace increased.

-Back with the pre-meanwhile cast-

Morpheel rolled past the tired Bulblin sentries, descending a nearby ledge and falling right into Phantom Ganon's arms. "Well? What are they doing?"

"They're just building buildings," the eye reported. "There were a bunch of ramparts, but that's about it. My question is-"

"Why did they bring all that out here?" Phantom muttered.

"NO! Fool, my question is _how_ did they bring these tonnes of wood out here? It's not an easy place to get to!"

-Meanwhile-

A thought struck Link like a bolt of lightning. "Auru said the desert was hostile lately, didn't he? It hasn't been _too_ bad so far."

"Maybe we came on a good day." Midna shrugged. "Deserts do have on and off times if what I've heard is correct."

"If you want a hostile environment, I can rectify this," Majora calmly said. A dark energy radiated from Link's pack, spreading its evil into the air around them.

Link quickly pulled the mask out, shaking it frantically. "No, stop, STOP!"

The wind spun, sand slowly rising into the air. The field quickly spread, the entire desert shifting to Majora's will. "You know those sandstorms that rip the flesh right off your bone?" the cursed mask said, the breeze intensifying to hostile levels. "Yeah, this is going to be one of them. Enjoy!"

"RUNNING!" Using Majora as a windshield, Link took off in a sprint toward the Arbiter's Grounds. He went straight through the first blockade, ignoring the indignant Bulblin guards ("Some intruders show no respect!") and ran into the main camp.

"Intruder!" a watchman shouted from a tower, pulling up a scarf for his eyes. Then Fyrus and Diababa followed. "Er, intruder_s_."

Phanton Ganon took this opportunity to run up to them with Morpheel under his arm.

"Invasion! There, I've covered all amounts of enemies. If that's not good enough for my supervisor, to hell with him."

"Hello," the ghost said to the team. "Lovely weather, isn't it?"

Link stared quizzically at the newcomer. "Hi... who're you?"

"Phantom Ganon at your service."

"You'll like this one. He's all about what's 'smart'," Morpheel said, rolling his eye. "Whoa, that made me dizzy..."

"Sandstorm!" Midna shouted, pulling at Link's hair. "Flesh from bone! Retarded mask of evil! Get inside!" She shoved him at a building that was mostly finished; it looked like it could easily protect them from the crystallized rock.

Link slipped inside, gesturing for the others to follow. "I don't think this will fit them," Phantom stated, looking up at the hulking Fyrus and his cargo.

"I'm made of flowers," Diababa shouted, head slopping uselessly on the giant's back. "Let's bake some breeead!"

"Trust me, they'll find a way."

-Inside-

The entire group fit quite snuggly through the door, slamming it shut behind them. Midna turned to Phantom, opening her mouth.

"No. Please, don't tell me the logistics. It's better if I don't know."

"Actually, I was going to say that you're probably one of Morpheel's old friends and that I should fill you in on the situation. You're going to be sticking around for a while."

"Oh. There's no need for that though. I don't think I'll be here for too long-"

"Trust me, they all do."

"Oh god, who have you seen?"

Midna groaned, plopping down on the ground. "Too many." He gave her a pat on the shoulder.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DICKHOLES DOING IN THE HOUSE OF KING BULBLIN AND LORD BULBO?" a voice shouted from the shadows. It should be easy to guess who that was.

Lord Bulbo stormed up to them, snarling and stamping his hooves. "BITCH STICKS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE RIGHT NOW!"

"I'm terrified," Link muttered half-heartedly. "How'd you like your swim?"

"GR! You have NOT A CLUE who you're fuckin' with, kid! KING BULBLIN, SHOW THESE GUYS WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!"

Link's face paled when King Bulblin followed up behind his steed, holding in both hands a battleaxe capable of hacking a limb or two off of even Fyrus. Bulblin smashed Link with the blunt side, firing him into a nearby wall.

"Why do all the green kids I know have to make so many enemies?" Phantom muttered to himself. The spectre whipped out his sceptre, summoning up a ball of lightning and smacking it at the big man. King Bulblin bounced it back, and they engaged in a tennis match. "Would someone please HIT HIM!"

With two hands Fyrus smashed his bridge into King Bulblin, hitting him into the same wall Link was imbedded in. The same spot too. "SHI-"

King Bulblin extracted himself from the wall, pulling a large chunk of wood out of his back before returning to the fight. He met the bridge of Fyrus with his axe, both chunks of stone deflecting behind their wielder. Bulblin recovered first, hacking his axe against the giant's knee. "OW!" Fyrus hopped on the opposite leg, holding the wound.

Phantom took this opportunity to dive-bomb Bulblin, stabbing the head of his staff into the bulky warrior's gut. King Bulblin backhanded him into Link.

"YEAH, GO GET 'EM, KING BULBLIN!"

Bulblin stepped forward. He tripped on Morpheel, falling flat on his ass and sending his axe halfway across the room. "HEY! Watch where you're stepping, jackass! I deserve far more respect than this!"

Disarmed and outnumbered, King Bulblin made a strategic retreat. He quickly ran out a nearby door, Bulbo at his heels, and a few seconds later a Bulblin archer set the building on fire.

"HAVE FUN BURNING, DUMBASSES!"

"Here's the plan," Phantom said, taking charge of the situation. "Fyrus, I want you to-"

Link managed to pull himself out of the wall just before the flames reached him. "Someone GET US OUT!"

Diababa whacked down a nearby wall, exposing them to the harsh sandstorm.

"The outside! It burns!" Morpheel cried. "I hate sand! Put us back inside!"

"Or just break the whole thing open," Phantom muttered, the memories of being ignored all coming back.

Link scooped the eye up, making a run for the big stone coliseum nearby. As the others followed, Diababa was flayed by the ripping sand. Fyrus was barely phased, probably due to his obliviousness. Phantom was completely unaffected, already having no flesh to tear off his bones.

Once they sprinted a few dozen metres, the group was able to enter the gigantic Arbiter's Grounds. While there was more sand inside the dark stone hallways, it at least wasn't flying into their eyes.

Morpheel looked at the sinking, whirlpool-esque sand pits, knowing from basic experience that he would drop like a rock if he fell into that thing. "If any of you drop me into one of those, I will find some way to murder you. You won't know how, you won't know when, you won't even know... crap what do I have left... you won't know where, but it _will_ happen, and you _will_ die."

Link nodded, barely listening. "Noted. Okay guys, what are we doing?" Midna popped out of his shadow. "Yes, Mirror of Twilight, but where and how?"

"Some sort of execution site should be either at the top or the bottom," Phantom said. "Let's keep going forward, try to remember where we've been, and search for important looking rooms." For his ideas, everyone stared wide-eyed at the ghost, shocked beyond all words. "What?"

"Where have you been this whole time?" Link whispered, his eyes watering from a combination of joy at Phantom's presence and the sand that tore his pupils in half a minute ago.

"Um... I was under a sand dune, but I'm really not sure why." He smacked his own skull, more sand dripping out of the ear.

-Four minutes later-

"PULL ME UP! FASTER! FASTER!"

Morpheel may not have liked having the clawshot stabbing into his sides, but it was better than falling into the gaping maw of sandy darkness below them. It retracted to Link's hands, though the fact that he was hanging on to a ledge with four fingers did not put either of them in a better situation.

"HOW DO I END UP IN THESE PLACES?" Link screamed, arms shaking. The ledge was just a wall sticking out of the middle of the sand trap.

"We'll save you!" Diababa called from across the death zone. "Hold on!"

"WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO DO?"

"...Let go?"

"JUST HELP!"

Phantom hovered to just above them, pulling Link up by the wrist and putting him down on some solid ground.

"You're _very_ handy."

"Thank you, but don't make me do it again, please. My arm almost popped out of its socket, and with me that's a hell of a lot worse for you." He rolled his arm around, the joint cracking several times. "By the way, I've been meaning to ask. Why do you have Majora's Mask?"

"Well-"

The floor broke away, sending Link tumbling back into the sand.

"AH! HELP!"

And then beetles came out of the sand, crawling around him.

"AH!"

"They're just scarabs," Phantom said, sighing as he pulled the kid out. "They're dung beetles. Just shoo them off, they were probably scared out because you disturbed the sand."

"I don't care what they are, I don't want them on me!"

A few rooms later, the group entered a large hallway. Pillars rose to the ceiling around them, and far away way a gigantic doorway. A haze filtered out of the emptiness, blocking all vision of whatever lay beyond. Around the door were four lit torches, their blue flames burning brightly.

"This doesn't look hard at all!" Diababa happily piped. "Let's go!"

"Wait!" Link held his hand up, stopping the group. He didn't follow up on this order.

"Gonna... explain?" Midna asked, propping her elbows on his head.

"This is way too easy looking. And now that Dia's said that, something's bound to happen!"

"Wow, you're right! Thanks for stopping me, Linny!" Diababa happily said, eye-smiling.

"...Linny?"

"You call me Dia, and I call you Linny. It's like we have pet names for each other, isn't it?"

"I... sure. Now don't move."

Yet nothing occurred, and Link had them look down the dark hallway for several minutes.

"This is stupid," Morpheel said. "You're stupid. Let's start moving."

"...You first."

"Pansy." The leviathan started rolling forward. He crossed all the way to the base of the frame and stopped, looking back. "Whew! That sure was a workout! What a strenuous task!"

"Well- Shut up!" the hero shouted.

At that moment, four Poe lanterns hovered out of the mist. They floated to the torches and scooped them away, darkening the hall. This caused the door to slam shut, the shockwave firing Morpheel back like a cannonball. "YOU DARE- OW!" He hit Fyrus.

"Gee, never seen this one before," Phantom muttered, watching three of the Poes fly away. The fourth stayed to taunt them, invisibly spinning its lantern in a mocking manner, but it learned that strange things scare Fyrus.

"AH! FYRUS SMASH!" And with one bridge it was defeated. The flame returned to its brazier, leaving them in a slightly more well lit chamber.

"It looks like we need to defeat all four of them to get through here," Phantom said. "It's happened before, trust me."

"FYRUS SMASH PUNY BIG DOOR!" The giant stormed up to the stone slab, pulling his fist back.

"Or just break it..."

Fyrus threw a punch, a crack echoing through the chamber. "...Fyrus hurt now."

"What do ya know, I was right about what needs to be done for once. It feels good."


	22. Ghost Bashing

_WELL. That was a longer break than anticipated. Aside from tons of procrastination, there isn't much of an excuse. Hell, I wrote this in maybe four days after a month of shit all (shit all in terms of writing. I accomplished quite a lot in real life). From here though, I intend to get back on schedule!__  
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_Published June 2, 2012  
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**Ghost Bashing**_  
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"This reminds me of a story I heard once," Diababa said, looking around the room.

"NO TIME TO TALK!" Link pushed against a part of the wall that wasn't covered in spikes, trying to force it to stop closing in on them. "HELP!"

"In that story, there was some kind of way to turn the trap off..."

"PHYSICAL FORCE! PUSH!"

"A mechanism of sorts..."

The walls creaked to a standstill, closing on both of Fyrus's shoulders. They were unable to move any closer together.

"We have to find the switch!" Diababa continued, starting to inspect a random location. "Search everyone, your lives depend on it!"

"Hate you," Link grumbled. "Hate you so much..."

The next room was the same sandy yellow colour as the last ones, but it was circular and had a large pillar sticking up through the middle of it. A handle stuck out of the column, looking like it was meant to be turned. Link sighed, reluctantly coming to terms with what he would have to do, and threw his body weight against the mechanism. This completely failed to have any effect. "Ugh, this is heavy..."

Phantom Ganon floated over to him, scratching his skull. "Why don't you have one of them do it?"

"Room... fall... all die," Link grunted, still finding himself unable to make progress on his own.

"I'll help..." Phantom grounded his feet and started to push as well. Together, after almost a full minute of back breaking effort, strenuously pushing their muscles to a level previously considered physically impossible, they changed nothing.

Link dropped flat on his face, panting. "I'm done. I think I'm going to lie here and become part of the tomb now. You guys can save the world without me."

Majora happily rattled in his pack. "I don't doubt that we can, but it's no fun without you to suffer. The only other ones I'd be able to bother this much are the imp who can just hide in a shadow and bonehead over there, but he won't be around much longer."

Bonehead's bony head jerked in his direction. "Wait what?"

As they discussed why Link's life may or may not have been worth living, Diababa nudged the handle and turned the whole room with it, the opening that had been set on their entryway circling around to reveal another passage. "Yay, I did it! Go Dia!"

Link climbed to his feet, sighing again. "I guess we'll keep going..." He entered the new passage and was immediately frozen when a ReDead howled into his ear, locking his muscles in place.

"Shit, one of those," Phantom said, holding up his arm to stop them from rushing it. "It going to jump on him in a moment, so we'll just get it when it does that so we won't be frozen too."

The decaying corpse hefted up a greatsword far larger than its own body, heaving it back as it came into view.

"MMMMMMMMMM!" was Link's terrified reaction as the monster swung at him.

-Shortly thereafter-

"This is why knowing CPR is handy," Diababa declared, leading them into another chamber. "It somehow revives people from being chopped in half, mhm!"

"Fyrus thought ReDead missed and Diababa jumped at puny green Nintendo man while Fyrus ate ReDead. ReDead was nicely aged, tasted fantastic." The giant licked his lips, not caring that his head was currently tearing through the roof of the hallway.

"Not to mention that was nothing _close_ to CPR!" Link snapped, eyelid twitching. "I may have a minimal education but I know that much!" He shook his arm again, trying to clean off the sap that was covering his whole body.

"That is how plants do CPR, mhm."

"I'm not going to continue this conversation."

They turned, entering an ornate, circular room with plenty of torches held around the perimeter. One was not attached to the wall and floated just a few inches off, dangling back and forth. "I think one of these is the Poe," Morpheel growled as his eye darted from flame to flame. "They're the same colour as the other ones..."

"It's the floating one," Link said emotionlessly. He knew where this was going.

"Clearly there is a puzzle to finding this out," Diababa said. She narrowed her eye, spinning around the middle to observe them all. "There are ten. This is important."

"It's dangling in the lack of wind you vacant idiots."

"Fyrus saw ten pillars in the main room," the giant said, nodding enthusiastically. "Poes went between the third one on the right."

"It's _this_ one." Link stiffly pointed toward the floating light, a headache forming in his skull. "This is it! THIS IS THE POE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!"

"Fyrus, this is the goddesses again. Smack the third one with a bridge." Majora was clearly trying to resolve the situation with minimal collateral damage.

"FYRUS SMACK!" Fyrus drove his bridge into the torch in question, demolishing it and half of the wall. Rocks broke off from the ceiling, one reducing the real Poe to a stain of protoplasm in an instant. It had no time to react, only let out half a scream. The light floated away, likely back to the main chamber. "Fyrus do good!"

"Good Fyrus!" Majora cooed in the same way one would talk to a dog who'd just fetched the newspaper without prompting.

Link sighed. "Please stop encouraging him..."

"Mm... No."

"...Why were you made to exist? Who thought you would be a good idea?"

"They knew what they were getting into when they made me. I'm a sentient piece of wood cut from the evilest, most twisted oak tree in the Forest of Chaos. They say the tools used to carve me were made from the bones of a murderer, and the paint from the blood of a warlord known to eat the eyes of those he felled in battle. These spikes are melted down teeth bought off a dentist, though they did drown a baby in the vat so I'd say that evens out the evility."

"...I did not ask to hear ANY of that! What part of what I said prompted it?"

He felt the mask shrug. "I felt that this was a suitable place for some babbling exposition. Every member of the party needs one of those at some point, right?"

"No! There are _no_ suitable places for what you just said to me!"

"Fyrus want to give Fyrus back-story!" Fyrus shouted, yanking his bridge out of the wall.

"Can we not and say we did?" Link wearily asked. Being surrounded by these various beings was going to start taking a toll on his intelligence someday, perhaps dragging more sanity away with it. Wait, no, that was almost gone, scheduled for complete demolition on Monday... "I want to keep moving, it's so stuffy in here."

"Okay!" And the giant of fire's tales of epic proportion were never heard.

They left that room, moving to another generic stone hallway. Cave in was once again risked simply by having their presence, though this threat was mostly ignored. "If we die, I won't be nearly as devastated as I should be," Link expressed on the matter.

The hall opened into a chamber where the floor had fallen apart, most of it decayed into sand pits. Link walked forward, intent on crossing the sand to another stone platform, but four spikes shot up from the depths and blocked his path!

He walked around them, finding no other opposition. "That was easy."

The not-hero aimed for another stone stepping stone, taking a few steps into the deep sand, but another spike barrier immediately blocked his course!

It was circumvented in three seconds. "Is this the best trap they have? It's not even coming up under me, just in front..."

Upon leaving the sandy area of the room, their only path across a large chasm was a single, long bridge. Today's obstacle was an enormous chandelier sitting in the middle of the bridge, blocking it. "It's attached to the ceiling by those chains," Phantom analyzed. "And since there is a crank on our side... wait... Let's climb over it, it's only a few feet tall."

They did so, taking turns hopping on top of the ornate chandelier and crossing the gap.

"That was easy."

-Shortly thereafter-

Link pulled open a treasure chest, expecting a handy pair of keys like the rest gave him. What he did not anticipate was a shiny blue compass, not a speck of dust on it. He took it out, inspecting the device and confirming that it did still work. "Does anyone want a compass?"

"You're giving away a _compass_?" Morpheel screamed, pupil reducing to a pin sized dot as he shook in rage. "That is a tool of the gods themselves, and you're just giving it away?"

Link blinked, thinking he may have dropped the eye too hard before opening the container. "It's a compass. I already have one..."

"Your assembled piece of crap holds no water to this find! With this, you will be able to locate anything in the dungeon without effort."

"Oh for crying out loud, not this again..."

"By simply holding it level and triangulating the coordinates of that which you want to find, you will know its location."

"Stop... using... that... WORD. THAT IS NOT HOW THAT WORKS! I've herded goats my whole life and I know this!"

"Ignorant fool! The process works, you simply must stop questioning it."

Midna bopped them both over the head/eye. "Forget about it. Let's keep going."

-Twenty minutes later-

The hallway was like every other up to that point: made of yellow brick and lit only by the torches which somehow had not consumed all available oxygen despite being in an enclosed space and aflame for who knows how long. The main difference was the horde of knee high skeletons armed with halberds, jabbing away at everyone's exposed flesh.

"OW!" Link's sword ripped through four, breaking them to bits. His hatred increased when more rapidly filled their place. "Where are all these weird things coming from?"

"They're magic," Diababa said. She proceeded to smash another dozen, barely lowering their numbers.

"Well where's the magic come from?"

"Um... Bad people?"

"What bad people? WHO WOULD MAKE ALL THESE JUST TO PESTER TRAVELLERS?"

"Someone who knows how to do it," Majora piped. Link made sure his pack took a few extra hits.

As soon as the army of baby monsters was cleared, they walked into the path of a ReDead and were all frozen by its shriek.

"Fyrus, make it die!" Diababa hissed through a clenched mouth.

"Fyrus wants to move, but Fyrus can't!" was the barely audible response. The ReDead stepped closer, its giant sword leaving a gouge in the stone floor behind it.

Link's eyes darted between them, sweat dripping down his body for a large combination of reasons. "Come on, someone's gotta break out of it! Midna?"

"I'm in a shadow, I'm not immune to status ailments..."

"...Majora?"

"Can't move either way~"

"Ghost-man?"

"I... think I'm getting some feeling back in my hands..." Phantom Ganon's fingers began to twitch, eventually curling shut. "Right, I-"

The ReDead screeched again.

"Aw hell... Nope."

Link sighed as best he could. "We need to hope it decides to hit someone who can take it, meaning not me."

The ReDead's head turned, looking over its many choices before pausing on Link... "No no no no..." ...and drifting down to Morpheel.

"You want a piece of the mighty Leviathan? Bring it! Even without moving, I'm still powerful enough to kick your sandy ass up and down the Nile twice with one hit! I am Morpheel, the unstoppable force that killed everything he saw for over a hundred years!"

"How many schools of fish was that anyway?" Majora asked.

"Shut up! You have no comprehension of the force that you are messing wiAHH!"

The ReDead's cleaver hit him on target, but luckily the eye was durable enough to be sent flying instead of the fatal alternative. He bounced off the far wall, hit the roof, was deflected by a torch, and flew back into the jewel on Fyrus's forehead. The giant's whole body toppled over and splattered their enemy quite easily.

"...Fyrus made it die."

-Poe numero tres-

The second last target was hidden behind a sliding wall, discovered only when Fyrus tripped and swung his bridge as he fell, smashing Phantom through it. The undead apparition groaned, slowly opening his eyes. A lantern was then bashed over his head.

"AGH!" He rolled over, grabbing his aching skull. "What the hell?" The invisible Poe hit him again, cackling.

Phantom batted it away with his sceptre, floating to his feet. He blindly swung, likely missing as all the ghost did was laugh at him, lantern jingling in the air.

Getting an idea, he scooped a bunch of sand up from the floor and threw it all over the ghost, finally getting enough of an outline to beat it upside the head with his metal stick. He did this until it was down for the count.

-A few chambers later-

"WHY WON'T IT STAY DEAD?" Link shrieked, running back as the animated skeleton reformed after being defeated and came at him again, axe and shield held high. He dodged, running around the edges of the room with the Stalfos hot on his heels.

"It's already dead, Linny," Diababa said, eye-smiling as she smashed it to bits again. The monster reformed.

"DON'T CARE, WANT IT GONE!" He blocked its overhead swing, retaliating by swiftly cleaving an arm off. Link watched, horrified as the arm floated into the air and popped back in its socket, completely undeterred. "WHY? HOW? WHY?"

"Diababa, wrap it up in some vines and pin the thing," Phantom ordered. She did as told, letting loose a few vines to tightly coil its bones together. All that stuck out of the bunch was the head, jerking back and forth in surprise.

Link sighed, shoulders slumping as he wiped sweat from his brow. "Okay, it's handled," he said, trying to assure himself more than anyone else. "It's done. She's grabbed it, Fyrus can eat it, then I'll never have to..."

The Stalfos broke itself apart, the bones flowing out between her tendrils and reforming. It immediately sprinted at Link.

"OH COME ON!"

"HEY! PUT ME DOWN YOU WRETCH!" Morpheel came flying out of nowhere, knocking its head clean off on impact. "I'm not a baseball, I am-"

"More like a softball," Phantom commented, wiping some of the ocular fluids off his staff.

Fyrus scooped up the Stalfos and ate it in one mouthful, not chewing for even a second. "Fyrus lunch!"

"That's... not a verb," Link muttered, though he had almost completely given up on teaching the behemoth by then.

"Fyrus want noun to function as action, so noun will function as action because Fyrus wants it to." He had a big grin on his face, thinking he said something profound. Link started walking toward the next door, praying that some greater being would take mercy and allow him to escape.

-The final Poe-

The moment they entered another circular room with lanterns hanging on the walls, one sticking out and swaying, Link had Midna turn him into his wolf form. "You guys argue about which one it is. I'll kill it."

"Because your imbecilic methods didn't work on the last one, _I_ will locate this Poe," Morpheel declared. Meanwhile, the Poe floated toward Link, lantern swinging.

"It wasn't imbecilic, I just overcomplicated the math," Diababa argued.

"The problem was that you just made up numbers and methods of combining them!"

The Poe split itself into four identical versions, circling around Link.

"I've never seen that before," Phantom muttered dryly.

Fortunately, the Poe had no self preservation instincts and made sure to both attack very slowly and make sure they knew which one was attacking. Link easily dealt with it, finishing the creature just as the other group decided it was actually Morpheel that was the last Poe.

"I'm not a ghost, I'm an eye! Even _I _know this is stupid!"

"We're supposed to put a stake through his heart, right?" Diababa held up a wooden stake, squinting as she took aim.

"Fyrus think we're supposed to melt him with salt!" The giant started sprinkling salt onto the eyeball.

"AHhHHhhHHhhHH! WHYYYYYYYYY?"

With the Poe taken care of, the four torches were lit. This obviously caused the door in the main hallway slide back into the roof, letting them pass. "This is taking much longer than usual," Midna said, sitting on Link's head and absent-mindedly picking her nails. "Too many people are starting to slow us down. I'd suggest abandoning most of you if not for the fact that you can break everything that's in the way."

"Fyrus break good!"

"Yes, just like how you broke that door."

"Fyrus broke every other door in the temple to make up for that..."

"And how many cave ins did that cause?"

"Seven!"

"Mhm. Let's go, Link."

-Forty-one seconds later-

Link screamed like a little girl. "AHHHHHHHH!" Like that, yes.

The giant, floating sword slashed its way through the air, putting new markings on the floor and walls in its pursuit of Link. "WHY DID I TRY TO TOUCH IT? THAT WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA!"

Midna tapped her chin, pondering his query. "It's almost like you don't learn..."

"HELP!"

"Oh, right. Anyone want to help him out?"

"Fyrus sit this fight out." The behemoth took a seat on the sidelines. "Fyrus feet hurt."

"YOU USELESS PIECE-" His words turned into an unintelligible scream when the blade put a slice in his tunic less than an inch away from killing him.

Diababa and Phantom Ganon leapt into action, attacking the floating sword with all their might. Phantom threw magic balls at it, each hit popping on the metal to no avail. Diababa tried to coil her vines around it, but being a giant sword it easily bisected them.

"Hey guys," Midna called, cupping her mouth. "Maybe it's a _ghost_ holding it like every other major enemy we've seen here!" She pulled out the dark crystal and hurled it at Link, pegging him in the neck and turning the kid back into a wolf.

Link shook his head, reorienting himself before looking back at the foe. As it turned out, an enormous, cloaked ghost with a ram's skull for a head was one-handing the sword with ease, and it was staring at him with those empty, soulless eye sockets. "AHHHHHHH! AWFUL, AWFUL IDEA! I'M GONE!" He ran away, scratching at the door. "WHY DOESN'T IT OPEN?"

"We're in a fight, it needs to stay locked for safety purposes," Diababa proclaimed, sounding very happy despite the way Death Sword was cutting through her.

"That's stupid! Fyrus, get me out of here!"

"Fyrus feet hurt."

"You don't even need to move, just smash that bridge through the door and we'll be done!"

"Fyrus go to sleep now."

"Crap."

Back in the fight, Death Sword took a ball of lightning to the face and de-cloaked, screeching as it returned to the land of the visible. It brought up its blade with speed one wielding a device that large should not be able to possess and cut Phantom clean in half, bones flying everywhere.

"Ow..."

Link returned to human form, hesitantly moving to back-up Diababa. "I, er, I've got your back," he squeaked.

To his horror, the giant plant turned around to face him and left her back completely exposed. "Yay! But I think we need a plan. How about you-"

"TURN AROUND!"

She whirled around, using both arms to smash Death Sword halfway across the room. With this done, Diababa returned her focus to Link. "How about you shoot it in the head with an arrow, and while it's stunned I pummel him into the ground! Sound good?"

He stared at the dent their ghostly enemy's impact left in the wall. "Yes."

"Great! It's just you and me, Linny, saving the world!"

"I am still here, whelps!" Morpheel shouted, being ignored as he rolled around Link's feet.

"I gave you your nickname because it's less of a mouthful and I don't mess it up when I bite my tongue, but my nickname is BEHIND YOU AGAIN!"

Diababa once again smashed Death Sword into the wall. "Anyway, continue."

"Don't ignore a god, jackasses!"

"I don't even care anymore, let's just kill it again."

Upon facing Death Sword, they quickly learned that Diababa's last hit had put the beast's own sword right through its torso, pinning it fatally. With one last croak, it crumbled into dust.

"Linny, you're such a valuable member of this team," Majora said with a cackle.

"Shut up."

"No."


	23. The Spin God's Might

_This temple sure lasted a while. Lots of content I guess, but I ain't gonna complain. Not much to say today, except so many of the people on Youtube seem to take so long for Stallord's first phase. They can't time those jumps at all!_

_ There's been a lot of people wondering what Stallord will be like, so..._

_Published June 16, 2012  
><em>

**The Spin God's Might**

"Welcome to Dodongo's Variety, we- Oh. You better be here to buy something, I don't do casual gatherings."

Bongo Bongo bopped Kingy over the head. "No. We need to save the world again, and you're coming."

"But... eh, why not. Business has been slow lately and I'm not sure why..." The Dodongo King pulled a giant sack out from under the counter, passing it roughly to the phantom shadow beast. "Now dump all my wares in here."

Bongo Bongo accepted the bag, starting to sweep the shelves into the surprisingly roomy container. On the third, he stopped. "Wait, why am _I_ the one doing this?"

"Because my back is sore, now start shoving Oingo Boingo."

He received a soulless stare, unblinking, that pierced his very being.

"You've overused that. Now back to sweeping, I don't pay you to sit around and look at me! Actually, I should pay someone to do that... like a wife..."

-Back in the Arbiter's Grounds-

"AHHHHHHHHH!" The next chapter of the heroic adventure began in the same way as many others: with Link screaming.

The not-hero was trying out the strange device he found in Death Sword's final-final resting grounds. It was a large, heavy metal mechanism that seemed to be some sort of top. At first, it just rotated slowly in his hands when he turned it on. It was Morpheel who suggested that he click it into one of those tracks on the wall. He hated that eye.

"Today's programming brings us the tamed Link. It is a strange, stupid creature with no self preservation instincts, continuously believing that good things will come to it despite all evidence to the contrary. I'm your host, Majora the mask, and here with me is our special guest Morpheel Balleball."

"I don't have a surname and that's a stupid one anyway!" Morpheel shouted at Link and his sacked companion as they skidded past the starting point again, caught in some kind of upward spiral. "Though I am willing to be your special guest under the condition that I am supplied with four thousand potted ferns, all in peak condition."

"I'll write you a check."

"You don't have checks! Or a bank account! Or money at all!"

"Details, details. Now it looks like-"

"AH!" The spinner flew off its rails, travelling through the air before clunking into another rail circuit on the other side of the room. "WHAT DID I DO?"

"Looks like Link once again continues to toy with devices outside of his understanding. Any thoughts on the matter, Morpheel?"

"Well Majora, I- Wait, I still haven't gotten anything from you! I demand payment!"

"I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE!" Link cried, trying not to move a muscle as he flew down the track. "I didn't even think I did anything!"

"Your payment will come eventually."

"I highly doubt that. You cannot fool one as mighty as me!"

"...Diababa, you've been recruited on Mornings With Majora!"

"I thought it was evening," the plant said, scratching her head.

"Phantom Ganon, you're the new guest star."

"I'm still trying to figure out how to destroy you before the night is done," the ghost said, shrugging.

"You're all really terrible co-hosts. None of you get to be on the reunion special."

Link's spinner reached the end of the rail. It detached, spun for a few more seconds, then fell over. The not-hero stood up, carefully reclaiming it and making sure that he did not attach it to anything else. "I hate this thing... but it just got me through that entire room. Ugh, I'm going to have to use it a lot, aren't I?"

His question was answered as soon as the next door was opened. The vast chamber was entirely a pit of soft, moving sand with spinner tracks whirling their way around the room, several jumps between rails present.

"Once or twice," Majora stated.

"The others won't be able to get across though. We need to find another route."

"Fyrus jump!" With only one leap, Fyrus cleared the vast room and crashed down on the other side. "Yay!"

"If you throw me I SWEAR AH FUCK YOU!" Morpheel joined him. Diababa followed shortly after, using her vines to swing across the room like a kid on monkey bars. With Phantom Ganon hovering above the ground, it was easy to see how he would cross too.

Link sighed, holding the spinner in both hands as he approached the first track. "Looks like we'll do it the hard way."

-Two seconds later-

"AHHHHHHHHH!" The spinner randomly hopped to another track, the boy still unsure as to how he did it. "HOW? WHY?"

"And they're off! Number zero dashes out of the starting gate with all his energy, having no idea what he is doing and moving into a dangerous zone before taking time to check his equipment's functionality - ladies and gentlemen we have a real winner here!" Majora continued to be Majora.

While the not-hero struggled in the background, the other members of the group were deep in a pleasant conversation. "Of course, kettle corn is delicious," Morpheel insisted, body bouncing eagerly. "I'm surprised you've never even tasted the stuff."

"OH GOD WHY?"

"I've lived in a tree all these years," Diababa explained. "The outside world has always been a bit of a mystery."

"PLEASE SAVE ME!"

"Speaking of which, how did you order that package you always pester the devoted postman about anyway? You have no mailing address, and he never goes around that forest."

"THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!"

"I went right to the post office and placed my order there."

"NO, THAT'S WHERE I STARTED!"

"And you say you've never left that forest? Wait, why don't you just go there and pick it up now? You're stupid!"

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

"You silly little eyeball, the post office is in another-"

Link crashed into her head, the rough edged spinner doing heavy damage to the poor plant, but at least he was there. "Sorry... Never... again..."

With everyone present, Fyrus smashed open the door/wall. This spinner puzzle went upside-down.

"Oh. COME. ON!"

-A few chambers later-

Link slipped the key into the lock, tearing the chains away as he entered the next room. It was surprisingly tiny, with no other ways out. "Wait, what? Did I just waste this key?"

"Keys are fragile, puny green muskrat must be softer with them," Fyrus muttered, stroking the remains of the newly deceased key. "Unlocker in better place now..."

Only after stepping inside did Link notice what was in the floor: an indentation, one that looked like the spinner would fit in it perfectly. "Here goes nothing..."

Placing the device inside of it, he waited. Nothing happened.

So he tried standing on it. Nothing continued to happen.

So he applied some pressure to it. The floor dropped away, rapidly descending with the kid still on it. "AHHHHhhhhh..." A soft thud resonated up the new shaft.

"Don't worry Linny, we're coming!" Diababa proceeded to unthinkingly leap down, Fyrus immediately following.

"WHEE!"

At the bottom, Link groaned. He hadn't been injured at all, but it was an experience to say the least. Somewhat hearing Diababa's proclamation, he looked up. They were falling at him. "AH!" He barely managed to scurry to his feet and dive into an open doorway just as they crashed into the floor, stone shattering on impact and sending them down through it.

"...We have found... a new room."

Their sequence breaking had indeed found another chamber. Looking through, Link was able to see that they were right next to the boss door. "We just have to find that key then come back here I guess."

The others floated down calmly, Phantom holding Morpheel under an arm. The ghost lowered his head into the hole, looking around. "Actually, I think this is the other side of the door. There's a big arena far over there."

Everyone climbed down, and sure enough they were on the other side of the boss door. Link blinked, taking in the sights. The chamber was gargantuan, most of it filled with a circular pit of sand that sunk in further as it came to the middle. Sticking out of this middle was a massive, draconic skeleton, a single section of its spine the size of Link. Its massive skull had four dark horns and decaying hair jutting straight out the back, quite imposing, but quite dead. It lay still. "Oh..."

In a buzz, Zant faded into sight on the monster's head. "You arrived faster than I expected."

"Why does he have the Megaton Hammer?" Phantom asked, pointing his sceptre to emphasize.

"No wonder some call you 'hero'. Your ability to survive beyond my expectations is astonishing," Zant continued, ignoring the spectre.

"Wait, someone actually calls me hero...?"

Diababa gasped at the audacity of this man. "He just blew you off! You should throw lightning at him. The nerve!"

"I actually agree, if only because we should stop him before he tries anything." Phantom Ganon held up his hand, white light gathering in his palm. With a grunt he hurled the ball at Zant with unrivaled accuracy, the magic burning through the air.

Zant smacked it with the Megaton hammer, firing it back and blowing his head off.

"I really should hold my staff up more often... they all seem to do that..."

"All futile in the presence of a being of my power." Zant shook his head mockingly, heaving the hammer up onto his shoulder. "Truly a bittersweet reunion though, truly! I'm afraid this will be the last time I see any of you alive!"

"Even Fyrus?" the giant gasped.

"Especially Fyrus, yes!" Zant held up his free hand, a thin, withered piece of flesh, and a twisted greatsword appeared in its grasp. With a heave, he stabbed it into the beast's skull. A light spread across the bones from where the blade was stuck, fading almost as quickly as it appeared.

"But Fyrus don't want to die! Can you die for Fyrus?"

"Alas, it cannot be that way. Farewell, heroic traitors." The evil monarch bent his spine in a taunting bow, disappearing just as he returned to being upright.

Everyone stared at the bones, at the ready. The moment this thing came at them, it would experience the full force of this group of miscreants!

"It's not moving," Midna stated, staring at the inanimate skeleton.

"Just wait, it'll get up!" Morpheel glared at the compilation of bones with as much intensity as an eye without lids could muster. "Such a huge body. How I loathe you..."

Link lowered his weapon cautiously, looking from the supposed enemy to his companions. "I think she's right. Zant messed something up."

At that instant, its eyes lit up in a dark yellow and colour returned to the dull bones. The monster rose, balancing on its spine and staring down at the group.

**Stallord  
><strong>_Twilit Fossil  
><em>Likes: Social gatherings  
>Dislikes: Dirty cowards<br>Greatest Accomplishment: Died a valiant death

"Don't let me talk anymore," Link squeaked.

Stallord slammed his claws on the stone around him, releasing a ferocious, spine chilling roar even though he possessed no lungs to do so with. By the end, Link was glad he had emptied his bladder in a pot a few rooms back. He squeaked again.

The undead monster backhanded Link across the room, the only thing that saved him being a comfortable backpack full of hard, angular objects that cushioned the impact. Stallord faced the other massive members of the group, nostrils naturally flared.

"Linny, NOOOOOO!" Diababa lunged at Stallord, coiling her vines around his swinging limbs. The skeleton opened his mouth wide, a blast of fire exploding in Diababa's face. She fell back, sizzling. "Didn't know you could do that..."

Stallord leaned back, now resting far out in the middle of his sandy domain, and slammed both hands down. "KILL..." his deep voice boomed, echoing through the massive chamber. Instantly, bony figures rose from the yellow slopes, decked out in fancy armour, and tried to move up to face their foes. However, with the descending ground they only succeeded at moving in place. Stallord blinked. Shaking his head and wondering why he even bothered to do that, the dragon went back to beating on Diababa.

Once he reclaimed his head, Phantom threw a ball of lightning and pegged the beast in the eye. He growled, facing the ghost. "Let's play." Another attack was thrown, Phantom readying himself to smack the ball on return.

Stallord thrust an arm forward, going through the magic orb and smashing the spirit to bits with his palm.

"Well played..."

Link returned from his brief unconscious period, blinking to clear his hazy vision. "Ugh, how, ow..." He sat up, noticing that the others were engaged in combat with the beast. The foe was shaking off everything they hit with, even going as far as catching the Bridge of Eldin between both hands and slamming it downwards, cracking the already broken bridge in half on the head of Fyrus.

Midna appeared next to the terrified kid, leaning in closely. "He's not paying any attention to you," she whispered. "All of its movements are being based around that spine poking up from the sand. You need to get down to its base quietly and smash it."

"Ah- YOU WANT ME TO GET CLOSE T-" She punched him in the teeth, silencing him.

"You've done worse, stupid. Besides, our resident demigod won't let you die so easily, will he?"

The mask imitated the sound of sucking in air, an obvious ploy due to it being an animate mask that didn't need the stuff. "I'm going to sleep for a bit. Your clawshot poked my eye when we smacked that wall and it hurt. Night."

"YOU BASulk!" Link's tongue met Mr Lower Jaw and Mrs Upper Jaw when Midna gave him a nice uppercut.

Giving in, the not-hero staggered to his feet and began to approach the edge of the sand pit, frowning as he took in the enormous distance as well as all the armed undead between them. He stepped up to the edge, looking down and trying to think of a way to solve this problem... then he saw the spinner tracks lining it. With a grin, he pulled out the device.

"I'll get some momentum for a second, then fire myself past everything and peg him in the spine," he said to himself.

Poor guy.

"AHHHHHHHH!"

The battle came to a standstill when Link grinded past everyone on his spinner at half the speed of sound, crying and screaming. Even Stallord stopped to watch, magical glow-eyes blinking as he took a second to comprehend the sight.

"Why does he insist on using that wretched device over and over?" Morpheel asked without trying to hide his resentment.

Diababa picked him up, cuddling the eye against her face. "You're just angry because you were caught in the gears!" she cooed.

"DO NOT-" Both received half of the bridge in their faces via Stallord's arm.

"OH GOD WHY?" Link was fired from the rail, airborne until the spinner collided with a skeleton's head and launched him back into place. "HOW DID THAT WORK OUT?"

In his fear, he accidentally fired himself off again. He passed the first wave of undead, bouncing off a later one. From there he became a pinball, deflecting off skeleton after skeleton until he had left a small track over most of the arena.

"SOMEONE HELP!"

Stallord slammed a hand down in front of him.

"THIS MIGHT HELP MORE THAN YOU WANTED IT TO!"

He bounced off the thumb, then the pointer finger, and was repelled into the air just long enough to land on the hand and grind his way up the arm. Stallord tried to grab him with the other hand, but Link was already long gone.

"I'm really not sure what's going on anymore, but I think he's winning," Phantom's detached head muttered.

Link went up to Stallord's shoulder, catching on his collarbone and swerving to the spine. As the beast was leaning forward, he was able to grind down the entire vertebrae, leaving a widening crack in his wake. By the time he reached the bottom, the whole thing was breaking to bits.

"HOW DID I DO ANY OF THAT?"

Stallord let out one more roar before falling backwards, sinking into the sand. Just as Link was about to celebrate, it began to drain while he was still in there. The teen predictably screamed as he sank along with it.

Once the sand fully drained, Link was left at the bottom of a hundred foot deep pit with Stallord's lifeless skull sitting next to him. "Fyrus coming to help you!"

"NO! There's a spinner slot down here, I'm going to work that first!"

"Okay! Fyrus send puny eyeball fairy to help!"

Morpheel quickly rolled back. "If you throw me I swear I shall- YOU BASTARD! WHY DOES EVERYONE DO THINGS TO ME MID SENTEN-" He landed next to Link, bouncing over to the wall. "Play with your damn switch..."

Link put the spinner in, pressing down on it. As he did, the centre of the room began to rise up, becoming a column with just the not-hero and Stallord's skull on it. Morpheel was left at the bottom.

"COME BACK HERE!"

Eventually, the pillar reached equal ground with the rest of the room. Link got off and put his spinner away, staring at the rest of the group from across the very deep moat between them. "I think-"

Then the skull rose up and delivered a headbutt from behind, pushing him back into the chasm. With a toothy grin, Stallord floated down to check on his prey.

At the bottom, Link sadly forgot his training. He did not roll on impact, and so he was in a lot of pain. "Shit, he's coming again..." He tried to get up, groaning weakly, but fell right back on his face. "OW. Very bad..."

Morpheel rapidly rolled over to Link, unsubtly crashing into his head. "Get out your spinner!"

"Okay..." Link pulled it out, dragging the device next to the eye. "Are you-"

"I SHALL SHOW THE MIGHT OF THE MIGHTY LEVIATHAN! ALL SHALL WAVER UNDER THE INTENSE PRESSURE OF MORPHEEL!" The mighty Morpheel rolled onto the spinner, then pushed it into the track that was spiralling up the central column. After giving another insane laugh, he shot off.

This was the sight that Stallord was greeted by: a laughing eyeball riding a mechanical top up a rail system. Seeing nothing better to do, he shot a fireball at Morpheel.

The spinner fired from the track, landing on one on the opposite wall. "All right, how the hell did I just do that?"

Undeterred, Stallord shot again. Morpheel once again repelled off that wall and landed back on the central column, still moving upwards. "Someone tell me how I'm doing this! I don't understand and I feel it is something I desperately need to know!"

This time, the fireball hit. "I TOLD YOU!" And he fell back to the bottom, spinner landing on top of him.

"Are you okay?" Link was now sitting up, sipping a red potion.

Morpheel bounced, pushing the spinner back into an upright position and rolling onto it victoriously. "Ha! All damage I face is inconsequential!"

"You did take a greatsword to the, er, eye, without a scratch, so I see what you mean."

"And away I go, to regain lost honour!" Morpheel spun onto the track and shot off again. "Now, how do I do that launch thing? Wait, no, I am not ready yet, cease your charging at once! YOU WILL OBEY ME, OR I SHALL UNLEASH-" And he fell back to the bottom, again.

On his fifth try, the irate eye was lucky enough that the god of spinning took pity, activating his toy just in time to avoid five fireballs in a row. Stallord growled, growing frustrated with how this thing simply would not die.

"And I thought you were supposed to be a mighty foe! Ha!"

Stallord flew in closer, hovering not a foot away from Morpheel as he spun up the track. He opened his mouth, energy gathering.

"BRING IT!"

The spinner detached from the rail, launching and hitting Stallord dead in the teeth. While Morpheel fell back down, the skull was repelled into the opposing wall. Unable to recover, he went crashing down to the bottom with the victorious ball.

Midna rose from a nearby shadow. "While he's stunned, let's get that sword out!" She wrapped her hair-hand around it, pulling with all her might. It did not budge. "Gr! What is everyone else doing?"

-Up top-

"I spy with my little eye, something that is grey!"

Fyrus jumped in place, waving his hand with a goofy grin. "Air!"

"No silly, it's Phantom's hand crawling across the ground and trying to pull him together again. What a silly answer, air. We can't see the air..."

-Down bottom-

Stallord shook Midna off, growling as he took to the air again. She watched him rise up and went back to her shadow form as he fired off a fireball in her direction. "We need a plan for next time."

"My greatness is our plan!" Morpheel shot off again, laughing like a madman. "LET'S DO THIS!"

He spun upwards, watching intently for the skull to appear ahead of him. "Any time is fine, you cowardly bastard..."

At that moment, Stallord came from behind him, once again a foot away from the ball.

"AH!" He shot off out of reflex, pegging the skull between the eyes and downing him.

Midna pulled the mostly healed Link to his feet. "Come on, take your sword out and smack it a few times!"

Link stared incredulously, arm limp in her grasp. "You want me to use my sword to smack the bigger sword. Now might not be the best time to lecture you on how this world may not be the same as yours, but I should give it a shot. See, when something strong hits something stronger-"

"It's the Blade of Evil's Bane and that's a magic evil sword, so get with the smacking!" She shoved him at the stunned foe, glaring fiercely.

"Smacking, now don't kill me..." He withdrew the Master Sword, running at Stallord.

"MY MIGHT IS THE PLAN, HAHAHAHAHA!"

Morpheel and the spinner flew from the track, pegging the magic evil sword at the perfect angle. It was ripped out of the skull, whirling through the air and stabbing into the floor and inch from Link's foot. The construct started to disintegrate.

"...Oh."

Stallord's eyes grew wide, dull yellow becoming a bright white. He rolled over, rising a few feet off the ground and cracking his jaw. "Ow, pegged me in the teeth a few minutes back. Nice shot..." he said in a surprisingly soft voice.

The spinner came to a stop just next to him. "It was precisely aimed!"

"And that's why you were crying out 'how do I use this thing' the whole time, wasn't it?"

"ARE YOU, THE LOSER, TAUNTING ME?"

Stallord's eyes brightened. "Yup!"

"INSUFFERABLE..."

The newly awakened head scooped Morpheel up on top of him, searching around for Link. Spotting him, he shot to the not-hero's side. "So, you're the leader of this group then? Everyone seemed to toss all the duties to you."

Link blinked. "Huh, they _do_ do that... Weird... But yeah, name's Link."

"Link, eh?" He smiled again, eyes twinkling with mischief. "Looks like the screaming coward's got a name after all! They call me Stallord."

Link blinked again. "I'd argue, but your analysis is spot on."

"Of course it is, I know these things. Now hop on that gadget and meet me topside, mkay?"

"As long as you explain up there how you're suddenly alive and how you can talk when we get there, fine by me."

"Suddenly alive? I was always alive," Stallord said with a scoff. "I was just sleeping. My kind stores all our necessities in our heads, so I didn't need that body to survive."

Link picked up the spinner, carrying it to the track. "Really?" he asked, looking back.

He got another smile. "Of course not. Not only are you a wimp, but you sure are stupid! And awaaaaay we GO!"


	24. To the Mirror of Twilight

_I was going to say this finally passed Majora's Mask in reviews, but the two have been battling back and forth all week and MM went back to the top. Weird._

_For the record, this chapter amazed me. I don't think I've ever had a non-combat scene last as long as this one does, it's a miracle. Also, since I've found that many people who read this haven't actually played Twilight Princess yet, there are more spoilers than usual in this chapter. Kinda the game's first big reveal. though if you are reading this, you should know I'll be revealing everything over the course of the story, heh.  
><em>

_Published June 25, 2012  
><em>

**To the Mirror of Twilight**

Everyone, now with Stallord included, emerged from the depths of the Arbiter's Grounds. They ascended the staircase toward the top, finally reaching fresh air after being in that dusty, corpse-riddled tomb for so long.

"What's your loosely veiled excuse for tagging along?" Midna asked the giant head.

"First of all, this sounds like so much fun. Travelling the lands, defeating an evil king, it's just like back in my glory days... Second, I've gauged everyone based on one line of dialogue. Your leader's a dirty coward, the plant's a ditz, the giant's stupid, the ball's got an ego bigger than his body, the ghost's temporary, the mask's the physical embodiment of evil, and you need other people to accomplish things for you. Which means you need someone with experience to take control of a situation. Third, you're all such nice people, and I love you guys already~" Stallord nuzzled against Diababa, smiling happily.

"And you're a super nice skull too!" She planted an acidic kiss on his teeth.

"Aw, thanks! Just don't do that again, I lost some of my enamel..."

"Mirror of Twilight, focus," Link grunted, climbing the 3103rd step. He had a nice sweat worked up.

"Try to order me around too much and I may have to kill you," the skull said playfully.

"Oh shut up..."

Stallord floated in close, silently hovering as near to Link's head as he could. Taking a second to inhale, the dragon let out an eardrum piercing roar that shook the building around them. Link screamed like a little girl and fell flat on his face. "Mm... no. Also, sorry about breaking your, erm, bridge."

Fyrus shrugged, carrying half of the bridge on each shoulder. "Fyrus fine. Fyrus make a lethal weapon out of the two giant stone bits."

"All right then, good luck getting that to work."

After another two hundred steps, they reached the top of the Arbiter's Grounds. "The Mirror of Twilight should be around here," Midna said, scanning the area. Columns spread around the summit, rising high into the night sky. In the middle was a thin pillar with a spinner track spiralling up it, begging for Link to ride it.

"Well this is boring," Stallord said. "C'mon, let's get something to kill! I haven't had any blood in my mouth in ages!"

As the boy in green approached it, a barrier spread around their goal. From the sky came five Shadow Beasts, landing before them. "There's your something to kill," Midna said, waving her hand. "Go nuts."

"KILLEMALL!" As the others were still getting into position, Stallord rushed forward with his jaw wide. He snapped down on two beasts at once, shaking them rapidly, blood and flesh spewing all over the sandstone.

"I like him," Majora declared with delight.

Link didn't bother drawing his sword, letting Stallord and Fyrus take care of the enemies. Once they were done, the floating skull tossing the last monster in a bloody pile with the others, he hopped on his spinner and started ascending the structure.

Morpheel rolled to the giants, making sure to avoid the puddle of gore. "Didn't know you had it in you, Spews. Took you more as the 'time to play' type, like Green back there."

"Look, a plant!" Green shouted, pointing at a small blade of grass that stuck out from two stones. "How are you doing, little guy?"

Stallord chose to ignore that. "What can I say, I live to kill 'em all," he said cheerfully. "If it bears ill will I'm gonna rip it in half and bathe in the guts. I know I'll have to wash up afterwards, but hey, gotta have some sacrifices. You like baths?"

"I am the Leviathan of the Seas! I do not bathe, I-"

"Smelly."

"YOU... SHOW SOME RESPECT! I don't even get respect from the one I defeat, GAH!"

The spinner clicked into a slot on top. Link pressed down, and as the pillar began to descend the giant chains connected to it began to rise. "Things are starting to look up. I know I got horribly hurt in the last fight, but we've got quite the team going when we dangle some string to keep them focused."

"Next one will still cause you trouble," Majora told him. "In fact, let's place a bet. If you still struggle on whatever monster's next, I get a hundred rupees. If you pass without a scratch, other way around."

"You don't have any money... And isn't Zant next?"

Majora cackled, saying nothing else.

Once the pillar sunk fully into the floor, the Mirror of Twilight was revealed. It sat on a pedestal, held high above Link and Morpheel... though only a quarter of the thing was there. "Is it supposed to look like that?"

"NO!" Midna shrieked, pulling at her hair. "Where is it? Where's the rest? What did he do?"

"A dark entity lurks in the twilight..." said a voice.

Looking up, Link and the others quickly noticed five beings made of light, standing atop the pillars above them. They were old, robed men whose faces hovered a half foot in front of their heads.

"Why are your faces like that?" Morpheel immediately asked. "It's stupid! Fix it!"

"It is a... sensitive topic... We are the sages who guarded the Mirror of Twilight at the behest of the goddesses since ancient times," what was likely the Sage of Fire said.

"And we can see what a wonderful job you did!" Midna snapped, floating to the broken device.

"No, no, back to the faces!" Morpheel shouted, bouncing in indignation. "You do not look anything like the sages I remember, because they looked like real people! Explain!"

The Sage of Light waved his arm in an arc. "It is truly a long, dull tale-"

"EXPLAIN!"

"Mirror of Twilight!" Midna punted the eye, bouncing him off Link's face. "Learn about priorities!"

"I'm losing hope with every second," the Sage of Shadow said with a sigh. "Will you all please calm down and allow us to tell you this tale?"

"The Mirror of Twilight has been fragmented by mighty magic," the Sage of Forest said, turning to the Sage of Spirit.

The Sage of Spirit stared at him.

"The rest of the tale, please."

"No."

"I've said I'm sorry countless times! Please, now is not a good time for this."

"...Fine. It is a magic that only he possesses," the sage said with no enthusiasm.

The Sage of Light raised both arms. "His name is... Ganondorf."

-Out in the desert-

Zant's master didn't flinch for a second as the sandstorm battered at his exposed face, the small grains smashing into his eyes and blowing up his nose. Instead, he took a deep breath, exhaling contently. "It's good to be back in a familiar environment. I knew coming here would calm me down..." He spread his arms, eyes closing slowly. "I can almost hear the memories..."

"Koume, look! Look who it is, eh heh heh!"

"Those are not good memories..."

"It is, Kotake, it's him! And you thought he was dead, how shameful!"

His eyelids burst open, pupils shrinking. "Shit."

The two witches flew out from behind him, tiny, wrinkled women who sat on their broomsticks, a blue gem on one's head and a red on the other. "Ganondorf, it's been too long," Koume said, cackling. "Why didn't you write?"

"I was sealed in an alternate dimension up until a month ago," the Gerudo King said, scowling.

"Excuses! Don't try to get out of not cleaning your room for over a hundred years!" Kotake formed a hammer out of ice magic and smacked him over the head. "We taught you better!"

"Ow, dammit mom! First of all, I moved out. Second, I left my room barren. Third, that's _your_ junk filling it, I saw. Fourth, the whole place is buried under twenty feet of sand by now, so it doesn't matter and you can drop it before I get a headache!"

His valid reasoning was met with a flick to the nose from Koume. "Don't try to weasel your way out now! You're also very far behind on your chores. Not only did you not feed the giant scorpion, but you didn't feed any of his six hundred replacements and they all died one after the other."

Ganondorf groaned into his hands, shoulders twitching violently. "The worst part about this is that I know you're serious, ugh... where's that damn owl when you need him? I want him back."

-Arbiter's Grounds-

"But as we chained him in this very location and carried out judgment, we learned that by some divine prank, he was blessed with the chosen power of the gods." The Sage of Light turned his strange head to the empty space, the pillar where the Sage of Water should have been. "He escaped our confines, though we were able to lock him away in the Realm of Twilight before too much damage was dealt. Such a mighty, blind man... Perhaps his evil power has been passed on to Zant."

"Wait, he's blind?" Diababa interrupted. "Then can't we just put a rope at ankle height and trip him?"

"Er, no, I didn't mean blind in a literal sense."

"Ah, metaphorical, got it..." She winked, which was just a standard blink as she only had one eye.

Phantom crossed his arms, looking down at the floor. "Ganondorf is a player here as well then. If he's teamed up with that Zant, we have a more serious problem than I thought."

"He's about to leave," Majora whispered.

"I need to go-"

"Called it!"

"This isn't a game," Link grunted.

"I fervently disagree."

Having no idea what the mask was shouting about, the ghost continued. "...I need to go tell the others about Ganondorf. Your team should stay focused on the Mirror of Twilight in the meantime."

"If it hasn't been blown to kingdom come," Link said, shoulders drooping. "I wouldn't be surprised if that nutjob just left this here to taunt us."

"Zant is not the true leader of the Twili," the sage continued. "Only they can destroy the mirror. Zant could merely break it into pieces and scatter them across the land."

"Where he would have placed his strongest monsters to guard them, correct?" Stallord's perpetual grin was looking fairly bloodthirsty again. The blood helped.

"That's not outside the realm of possibility. One is in a land of snowy-"

"Let's not ruin the surprise!" Stallord quickly interrupted. "We've gotta make this whole thing interesting. Mm, I can already imagine the density of their flesh, the bliss of ripping into that soft tissue and stretching it away... Who's ready for an adventure?"

Link's knees felt weak. His strength fled, leaving him unable to raise an arm or even close his jaw. "But I was so close to the end... Go in the mirror, kill Zant, we're done. But... but now there's a Ganondorf..." His temple developed a twitch. "We need to collect a _shattered mirror_ too! We... RAH! LET ME GO HOME ALREADY!"

"Zant split the mirror into three other pieces," the Sage of Forest said.

A second wind hit him. Link threw his arms into the air, turning on his heel. "Oh, fantastic! Three shards, and I know they'll be at the end of really long, dangerous locations like everything else we've had to get. Then there's Zant, he won't make it easy, and Ganondorf's probably holed up in Hyrule Castle, meaning _another_ place to fight through! Four down, five to go, we're not even halfway done!"

His mask cackled. "Someone's about to have a meltdown..."

"For a damn good reason! I've been beaten, thrown, burned, drowned, blown up, crushed, and all sorts of other horrible things, and just when I think I'm about to go home _like I want to_, since I haven't wanted a single other thing for this god forsaken adventure that I never wanted to come on, it turns out there's even more to do than we've completed!" He stopped, collecting his breath.

"Wanna hug?"

"No Dia, I do _not_ want a hug right now, I want my nice, comfy bed in my nice, safe house, where I can live the rest of my days herding goats and _not_ being on the brink of death!"

"It'll be a comfy, safe hug."

His neck convulsed. "That is- I want HOME!"

"You're free to go back to the home that's stuck in twilight," Midna said while inspecting her nails.

His strength flowed away yet again. "That fact is the main reason that I am still here," Link said, falling back onto his rear.

"That and the fact that you'll probably get killed by the big bad Zant as soon as you leave," Majora added, sounding completely content with this fact.

He placed his head on his hands. "...And that."

"And fix your faces!" Morpheel roared, wobbling in rage.

"Come back once _you_ have a face," the Sage of Shadow snapped.

"Oh hardy har har, such an amazingly brilliant retort. You have nothing on the shit I've put up with, now fix your ugly mug before I bash a giant gear into it!"

The Sage of Shadow held his hands up, mockingly shrinking back. "Ooo, threatening me with the spinner, so afraid. Please don't mildly irritate my knees, I might crumple like Spirit over there when his arthritis kicks in."

The Sage of Spirit glared at him.

"Why did you have to bring that up again?" the Sage of Forest groaned, pushing his floating face into his hands like our not-hero.

Link had no more sighs to give. "Where were those mirror shards again?" he asked just loudly enough to be heard.

"Mountains, grove, heavens," the Sage of Light told him. "Get going."

Wordlessly, the teenager pushed himself to his feet. "Let's go..."

"And kill!" Stallord let out an insane laugh, bloody teeth still dripping.

"Sure."

-Hyrule Castle-

Ganondorf appeared in the majestic throne room, his mom and mother orbiting his head like satellites. "What a nice place, but it's far too large, isn't that right Koume?"

"Yes it is, Kotake. Your old place was so much better. It had that golden shine!"

Ganondorf started walking, ignoring the old women and searching for Zant. He stopped just as he passed a window, sniffing the air. "Why do I smell smoke?"

"You shouldn't allow smoking on the premises," Kotake helpfully told him.

"Be quiet for just one minute, will you?" He opened the window, recoiling in horror at the sight. "What the...!"

Fires were alight across the grounds, many buildings both in and outside of the barrier damaged or destroyed. Bokoblins lay scattered amongst the ruination of this mighty palace, their state of life unknown to the tyrant. Catching sight of a certain underling, Ganondorf jumped out and floated down to the man.

"Zant, the fuck happened while I was gone?"

The King of Twilight met his master's eyes through that metal helm, panting weakly. He used the Megaton Hammer for support and hobbled out of a crater. "The bird... it wouldn't die..."

"...Are you fucking kidding me."

"He really wanted that woodpecker dead," Kaepora Gaebora said, fluttering down on top of a bent flag post. "I may have egged him on. Apparently, analyzing what he's doing wrong is a trigger to the guy. Who knew?"

"Shut up or we're having a trip to the coal mines." The Gerudo helped support Zant, guiding him back to the castle. "Okay, seriously this time. What did you do, why did you do it, and why is everything blasted to hell and back?"

"That bird," Zant groaned. Ganondorf's stomach sunk. "It was a small target. I tried my Lord, I truly did, but it simply flew around the grounds, and everything and everyone I used against it was ineffective."

"You... tried to attack a bird. Outside."

"Yes my Lord. I merely tired myself."

Ganondorf's shoulders shuddered, a rant of epic proportions barely contained by his iron will. "That's... Zant, there is nothing I can say about this that won't lead to my mental destruction. So we'll have some Bokoblins fix this up, and pretend it never happened."

"Hey Ganondorf, remember the time Zant, trashed the place trying to kill a woodpecker?"

The king's head snapped back to Kaepora, veiny eyes bulging.

"Just practicing, carry on."


	25. Painful Interlude

_Next chapter's got a big chunk done, so shouldn't be too long before it comes out. In the meantime, enjoy everyone being themselves._

_Published August 4, 2012  
><em>

**Painful Interlude**

-In the Sacred Realm-

Din gathered her fellow goddesses around the chess board she had set up upon a pedestal of light, rubbing her hands together fiendishly. "All the pieces are set," she said, running her fingers across the chess pieces depicting Link, Zelda, Ganondorf, Midna, Zant, and everyone else of importance. "Only time can tell which of our champions will prevail."

"HEY! TIME!" The rarely seen Goddess of Time turned her head at Nayru's call. "WHO'S GONNA WIN?"

"Obviously-"

"Don't you dare ruin my fun!" Din screamed, fire flaring around her feet. "Fuck that noise, we are going to have nothing to do for the next three hundred years! I want this one to last, dammit!" She slammed her fist on the board for emphasis, accidentally snapping the Ganondorf figurine in half. "Shit."

Farore rolled her eyes as the Goddess of Power tried to tape it back together. "I once thought: 'Why do we have just one goddess dedicated to wisdom? Surely all of us are intelligent beings?' I've learned the answer over the years."

-Hyrule Castle-

"Why does my spine hurt?"

-Telma's Bar-

"Sorry hun, if you're underage I can't serve you."

Link placed his sack of rupees on the counter. "I have a lot of money. Please, I just need to get hammered for one night. I want to forget my problems for a bit."

Near his foot, the eye of Morpheel tilted. "Wait, alcohol is a depressaAH!" A whip came out of Link's pack and smacked the ball across the room.

"Besides, the structure of law is a mess right now," Link continued. "With the giant glowing octahedron floating around the castle, I'm certain the guards are worrying about some bigger problems."

In the corner, several guards were discussing their future plans. "So... do we even have a job anymore?"

"I'm not sure... The Captain was in that big... thing as far as I know. We haven't gotten orders in over a month, can't really put people in the dungeons..."

"Maybe we need to take this into our own hands. Start up our own system of law, elect a leader to fill in."

"Someone rich, so we can get a paycheck."

"Oh yes."

"Definitely."

"I haven't bought food in weeks."

"Then it's agreed. Now, who's rich?"

"The Princess is rich!"

"Yes, but she's _in the castle_."

"How do you know?"

"What?"

"Maybe she got out."

"If she got out, we'd know."

"But what if she's in hiding?"

"How could the Princess be in hiding? She's a Princess, she's easy to notice!"

"Could be disguised."

"As what?"

"A ninja."

"A-A ninja?! You could have said a beggar, a civvie, but a ninja? Why would you say a ninja?"

"Hey, you never know!"

The door to the bar opened, Diababa's head poking through. Many inhabitants became terrified. "Hi. I was just running around, checking things out, browsing the shops, kissed a baby, not allowed back there, looked at the castle, everything's on fire. Was someone smoking? That's bad for the environment, what bastards! Fyrus, Stallord, let's go take down whoever's in that castle."

"Fyrus fight final boss!" The giant smashed the halves of his bridge together, further shattering them both, and stampeded out of the city.

"He'll be back. Stallord?"

"Storm the castle with no preparation you say?"

"Yup!"

"...Sure, why not, I've got time to kill people!"

Link grumpily took a seat at the table, looking down at his mug full of milk. "I'm sure _this_ will make me forget my troubles," he grumbled, swirling it around.

"Do not doubt the potency of what appears to be simple milk!" Morpheel shouted, bouncing up onto the other side of the table and knocking a chair across the room in the process. "I have seen greater men than you fall under its power. Besides, milk is delicious! If you will not appreciate it, give it to me!"

"Fine, fine, I'll drink the damn milk."

"No, I've changed my mind, give it to me anyway!" The eye charged the mug, missing thanks to Link's faster reactions. "GIVE ME THAT MILK!"

"Calm down! Just get your own glass if you want it so much."

"As a greater being than you petty mortals, I have learned many things over the years. One of these is that despite my omnipotent status, mortals refuse to bow to me when I lack the funds to acquire their services. Now give me that MILK!"

Majora cackled wickedly.

Link shook his pack with his free hand. "Shut up back there. How about I pay for your glass, all right?"

"You may pay for your own glass and relinquish that one!" Morpheel made a bounce for the white gold, missing. His fall hit a nearby table at just the angle to flip it upside-down.

"Why are you making this so difficult?!"

-Outside-

"What's the plan for getting through?" Stallord asked from next to the glowing barrier, a tingling sensation telling him that getting close would be a bad idea.

"HELLO! WE WANT IN!"

"I think you're the smartest being I know."

"Thank you! HELLO? I CAN SEE YOU, I THINK..."

From atop the turrets inside the barrier, Kaepora Gaebora fluttered down to land on the ground across from them. "My, I didn't expect to see two such as you in a place like this so early."

"Hi birdie!" Diababa waved.

"Er, hello. I am Kaepora Gaebora, constant watcher of this ill-fated land. A truly dark power has spread from the farthest peaks to the closest streets of this country. Indeed, its days are numbered unless your quest..." He paused, tilting his head at them. "You're... not going to interrupt me?"

"No, that would be so rude." Diababa quickly shook her head.

"I'll save my questions for the end," Stallord said.

"Wow. I... don't know what to say... Ahem!" The owl's back straightened, chin held high. "The journey you are embarked upon will be a perilous one. No easy task lies ahead, your skills will be constantly put to the test. First, do you believe you are prepared for your quest?"

"Yup!"

"My teeth are as sharp as ever!"

Kae Gae nodded. "Then..." He trailed off, beak slowly coming to a stop. "I... didn't prepare this far ahead, I never expected to reach it. Hm. Come back to me after you've obtained a mirror shard or two, I'll be ready by then. Well, good luck!" The giant owl flew back to his post.

Stallord blinked, slowly turning to Diababa. "So... now what?"

"I shall ask the plants!" Diababa dove to the ground, pressing her eye just a millimetre from a nearby blade of grass. "What's our next goal, little one?"

"You must find the Mirror of Twilight..."

Stallord jerked his head that way so fast that he'd have broken his neck if he had one. "Did that grass just talk?!"

"Shhh! Thank you little guy!" Diababa gave the blade of grass a kiss, melting it completely. "Let's go find the Mirror of Twilight, Stally!" She began bouncing away, humming jovially as the streets below cracked and shattered with every impact.

Her cohort's eyes were still staring at where the grass had been. Upon realizing that the hyperactive plant monster was gaining a lot of distance he shot after her. "Hold up, talking grass, someone explain please, that is not normal!"

"It is the nature of things..."

"No, no it isn't! Killing is natural, not talking plants!"

"I'm gonna do a somersault! Weee!" She did.

"T-that's nice, now... plant... talk... help... hurt... head..."

Far behind them, a small Twili emerged from the shadows of the grass. "Finally, that's should get them going." Midna's next target would be Link.

She floated through the darkness, staying hidden from the masses until reaching the insides of Telma's bar. The invisibility was dropped by the shock of seeing the location trashed, splintered tables laying scattered across the floor, chair legs impaled into wall, ceiling and person alike, and in the middle of the carnage were Link and Morpheel. The not-hero was face down, arms and legs spread with a small blotch of red near his head. A few feet away, Morpheel was enjoying a nice puddle of milk. "So good..."

"What the hell happened?!"

"I wanted milk."

"Mhmmhmhmhmhhm..." Link's arm twitched.

Midna glanced to the side of the room. The bar where Telma normally stood was empty. "We're going, now. Before Telma gets back and sees this."

"Kay..." Link didn't move.

Their guide hovered near Morpheel, crossing her arms and looking down at him. "Give him some milk, he needs the health replenishment."

"NO! I worked hard for this!"

"Do it or I'm finding the Boritae and giving you to him."

Morpheel's pupil shrunk. The ultimatum ran through his mind several times, other choices flashing up every so often. Eventually, he concluded to take the path of least resistance.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME!" And he was out the door.

"Great job splitting the party, that always goes well," Majora commented while she fed Link some floor-milk, cackling. The boy rose, coughing up a chunk of something red as he did. "You're falling short of my expectations, Midna."

"Eat me." She slapped Link on the back. "Get up and get out of here."

"I probably could with how small you are. My more powerful form does have a mouth after all." If Majora had shoulders it would shrug.

"That's very nice to know. Let's go."

Link let out a powerful burst of coughs, staggering toward the door. That eyeball had a powerful... bounce. "Better... kind of..." He fell flat the second he was outside.

-Meanwhile-

Fyrus' journey came to a halt when he encountered a civilian. "Hello puny grass person!"

"Hello!" the small girl said, not looking back as she picked through the bushes. "You're out in the field at this time of day. That tells me that you must love bugs too!" It was currently one in the afternoon. If Fyrus hadn't run through most of their caravans, many people would have been out and about.

"Fyrus loves puny green things! So soft and stompy and sharp."

"Wonderful- Look!" She pointed over the bushes. "It's a Mias Calpia, the rarest of all bugs in this area!" Ahead, a tiny black dot, likely an insect of sort, buzzed in circles. "Such a glorious creature..."

"Fyrus see dot!"

"Ah, you see the beauty of it. I know you would be like me. Allow me to introduce myself: I am princess of the bug kingdom, Agitha. I currently search to deliver my invitation to twenty-four golden bugs of the world, to invite them to the ball, but I am unsure as to where their mailing addresses are." True to her word, she had a pile of letters sitting just behind her.

"Fyrus can deliver letters. Fyrus knows where to find puny shiny dots." He picked up the papers extremely carefully. Stopping to stare at them for a few seconds, he did what Link always does and simply tucked them away behind his back despite having nothing there to hold them in. It... worked.

Eyes still locked on the spinning bug, she nodded happily. "Oh thank you! I shall make sure there is a place for you there as well, Mr..."

"Fyrus!"

"Mr. Fyrus, I thank you in advance."

-Castle Town-

As Link hobbled toward the town's exit, intent on finding his missing comrades, he was intercepted. A man with baggy, bright robes, a tall hat and a huge, bushy beard approached him. "Hello, excuse me sir. For the sake of peace in Hyrule, would you please make a donation?"

Link stopped, cradling his left arm while balancing on his right leg. "What exactly would I be donating to?"

"Er... the Peace Corps."

He blinked. Sounded reasonable enough, no one would have lied to him back home about this kind of thing... "Sure, why not." He dropped a red rupee in the man's hand.

The strangely dressed Hylian looked down at the money, surprise across his face. "Seriously, that- Er... May the spirit of love descend upon you. Your donation shall be put to use." He speedily walked away, breaking into a run just as he rounded a corner.

"Are you serious?" Midna's voice whispered.

"...Yeah?"

"...Let's go. Go get the mirror."

Link nodded, limping toward the gate once again. "Right. The mirror. Where do we find that?"

"Mountains, grove, heavens," Majora piped in. "There's a large mountain range just past the Zora's place if you'd like to start there."

"That's surprisingly helpful of you." Midna glared at the sack on Link's back. "What's the catch?"

"The fun here has been had, that's all, hehehehehe..." It was a transparent lie.

-Elsewhere-

"Where are we going?" Stallord asked. He and Diababa travelled through a canyon to the east of Castle Town, high cliffs on both sides. "I wasn't listening when those guys told us where to go, I was imagining important things like who we'd get to fight."

"The Mirror of Twilight, silly."

"I know, but _where_ is _that_?"

Diababa stopped, eye slowly rising as she reflected. Tapping the ground with one of her bulbous 'hands', a landslide started up in an adjacent canyon to block off the only road into a nearby village. All inhabitants would be starved by the end of the day. "...Mountains. I remember mountains!"

"All right, which mountains? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of mountain ranges in the world."

"The ones... north! North is cold, and mountains are cold, so mountains are north!"

"Well, it's cold north because it's a barren wasteland that gets very little sunlight, isn't it? And mountains tend to be located near fault lines-"

"To the north, the place of no plants! There, I will spread the joy of nature by exposing that sad land to beautiful flora! I'm so excited, let's go!"

Before he could argue further, Stallord was grabbed by the horn and painful tugged toward the northern lands.


	26. Snow is Cold

_Lazy bastard, forgot to do stuff, etc, etc.  
><em>

_Published September 2, 2012_

**Snow is Cold**

-Hyrule Castle-

"Does your back still hurt?" Koume forced Ganondorf onto his throne, not that he'd complain, and pushed him up ramrod straight. She floated in close, scrutinizing his every inch. "I've always told you to put more protein in your diet, good for your bones. They'll be like mine soon, eh heh heh!"

"No Koume, it's fibre that's for your bones," Kotake said, flying over.

Ganondorf sighed, slouching. "Oh boy..."

"No no Kotake, fibre makes you poop! Protein is for the bones, you should know this!"

"Don't be stupid Koume, fibre is what our boy here needs!" They both began to power up elemental magic.

"Actually..." Zant stepped forward, ignorant of Ganondorf's frantic hand motions. "I'm sure what my lord needs is calcium, if his bones are a matter of concern. This may prove difficult to obtain, after the Great Cow Abandonment I read-"

"PROTEIN!" Koume hurled her fireball at Zant, the king barely dodging.

"That was uncalled for!" In retaliation, Zant whipped his hammer around and uppercut the old lady off her broom.

"FIBRE!" Kotake attacked them both with ice. Soon, a battle erupted.

Ganondorf weakly slumped over, groaning.

-Outside the town-

"Hello puny green bloodsack!" Fyrus waved energetically as he stomped through Hyrule Field, rapidly stampeding toward the nearly immobile Link.

"Hello Fyrus." The teen calmly waited for the giant to skid to a stop next to him. "Were you having fun?"

"Fyrus went to talk to puny human girl and became a mailman!"

"A mailman? Don't tell Dia and you should be fine. Did you see Morpheel come through here?"

"Tiny ball? Fyrus did see." He pointed back in the direction his fiery form had come from. "Want Fyrus to take you?"

They started walking, the boy in green already formulating a plan. He trudged up to the giant's side, straining to keep pace. "Hey Fyrus, you know what Morpheel is, right?"

"Morpheel is a monster thing!"

"Well, yes, but I mean the body part that he looks like."

Fyrus nodded. "Of course! Fyrus knows a lot. Fyrus studied-"

"Stay on topic. What body part is he, then?"

"Optical organ!" Fyrus looked down at him with a great smile. "Fyrus don't think he has depth perception..."

"Well, yes, but what is the technical term for what he is?"

"...Sclera?"

Link's heart seized as he grew quickly angry. "No, he's an eye! Come on, I know you've said this before about him. Now say it with me... _eye_."

"Eel?"

"_Eye_."

"Eie?"

"EYE!" A soft cackle wormed its way from Link's pack. "Shut up back there!"

"Here!" Fyrus pointed again, this time directing Link at the duo who surely would have seen him coming had they not been caught in their own bickering.

Volvagia lay curled on top of a large rock, head just above Morpheel's level as he bounced up at the dragon. "Come now, is this the best you can do?" His forked tongue shot out, jabbing at the eye on his latest bounce.

"GAH! I'll show you, I'll kick your ass like I never could way back when! I can move now, I've beaten the shit out of people!" He bounced again.

"I don't doubt you have," Volvagia hissed, grinning. "Sadly, beating the shit out of 'people' doesn't hold the same weight when you're talking with a dragon." On the next bounce, he swung his tail forward and smacked Morpheel back down.

"OW. Insufferable..."

Link hesitantly approached them, wondering where his sanity and self preservation instincts had gone over these weeks. "Er, am I interrupting something I really shouldn't be?"

In response, the dragon swung his tail again to hit Morpheel toward the not-hero. "No, I've had my fun with this one. Just as pathetic as always."

"Dragon friend should come with Fyrus and puny green hat!" Fyrus exclaimed, gazing down at Volvagia with hope filled eyes. He was like a child...

"No." Volvagia's head went down to rest on the rock.

"Yes?"

"No."

Nodding, Fyrus stepped forward. "Yes!"

Hissing lightly, Volvagia just closed his eyes. "Look Fluffy, there's a cookie everywhere else but here."

"COOKIES!" Fyrus ran off.

Feeling conflicted on whether it was good that Fyrus had gotten moving or bad that _he_ had to move, Link just said, "Er, thanks. I think." He then went to join his possible friend.

-Snowpeak base-

Majora chose this time to giggle. "I love how the kid's going to a mountain with tights and a skirt."

This was lost on Link the moment he stepped out into the open air of the mountain's base. A cold, snowy wind threw itself against him, his blood freezing solid in a matter of seconds. "Cold," was whimpered.

Fortunately, they had just encountered the missing monsters upon arrival. As such, Diababa was happy to slide over and wrap a leaf around him. "There you are, Linny! Just stick close and I'll keep you warm."

"T-this is p-p-p-pa-paper th-thin..." The next gust froze his eyes open.

"Fyrus heat cold mountain!"

"NO! If you just start melting everything you could cause an avalanche!" Midna quickly argued, stopping the giant from igniting.

"But Fyrus..."

Majora made itself known, silencing Fyrus. "As hilarious a game as it would be to see them all try to outrun an avalanche, it may kill my main toy here a bit too early. Save it for later."

They started travelling across the snowy mountain base. Fyrus had it the easiest, the thick layer of white not even coming to his ankles. Stallord was a close second, lacking the need to touch the ground but finding the winds to be more annoying. Diababa had been confident at first, but the rising level of white fluff was forcing her to put more force into it. By shoving against the snow, she completely forgot about Link and ended up dragging him along in her leaf, unintentionally running him face first into the crystallized water.

"This is not bad at all!" Morpheel just rolled along in Diababa's trail, using her to block the wind.

Fyrus was the first to catch sight of a human figure ahead, overlooking a frozen lake. "Fyrus see puny person-person!"

This person-person, dressed completely in a warm, furry suit of what looked like yeti skin, turned around at his shout. They instantly yanked out a sword, stepping back cautiously as the giant monsters made their way over.

Around this time, Link managed to escape from Diababa's grip and stumble out, colder than ever. "GAH!" He shivered, face developing a blue tint.

"...Link?" Still not lowering the sword, the person removed the headpiece of her getup, revealing it to be the warrior Ashei.

"Can someone tell me if we kill her or not?" Stallord questioned.

"N-no!" Link snapped as best he could.

Glancing at the many monsters one more time, she approached Link. "What are you doing here? Especially in something so... exposing. You're turning blue already. This mountain has been colder than normal ever since Zora's Domain froze over."

"S-So... th-this isn't n-n-n-normal mountain t-temperature?"

"No. But it will get much, much colder the farther out you go. But first things first: glad you survived Shad's experiment, but... what's with..."

"Allies. Most of the t-time. W-When they d-d-don't try to be he-helpful."

"I... see... Are you... all... here because of the stories?"

"S-s-s-st-st-tories?"

"A no then. Apparently, the beast that lives around here has been seen frequently in Zora's Domain. I was curious, so I came and waited, and just like they said, a giant showed up right down there." She pointed toward the area just on the other side of the small lake.

"Did you kill it and soak your clothes in its blood?" Stallord asked gleefully.

"Nnnnno... I sketched a picture of it."

"Laaame."

"I didn't come to kill it!"

"Well what did you come for?"

"To see it!"

"LAAAME."

Sending the skull a last glare, she returned focus to Link. "Apparently, it's been stealing fish from the village. This is what the creature looked like..." She holds out the sketch, showing off a drawing with very many details and shading for what was apparently a quick job. "From what I can tell, it's holding a reekfish, a fish so illusive that not even most Zora can catch it. Apparently, Prince Ralis is the only one skilled enough to do it."

"My faith in future generations is rewarded," Diababa announces, nodding to herself.

"R-reekfish you say?" Link repeats, ignoring his companion.

"Yeah. I'm a bit surprised by the claim since they live in the main lake of the domain, you'd think they'd develop strategies like cornering them or using nets after a while..."

"S-strategies you s-s-say?"

"I think we're going fishing!" Stallord squealed in delight.

-Several minutes later-

"SWIM FOR YOUR LIVES WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

Everywhere, fish men and women fled from their domain, some leaping down nearby waterfalls, others jumping out of the water and trying to escape on foot. The cause of their problem was obvious: Fyrus had invented an effective fishing method of hurling boulders the size of carriages into the water. The throws that hit created gigantic waves, sweeping unfortunate Zora away. Many missed, the giant overshooting the water greatly.

After one of his bombardments, Fyrus reached into the water and retrieved a large, red, dead fish identical to the ones in the drawing. "Fyrus catch reekfish! It smells good."

Far behind him, the others emerged from the protective cocoon of vines Diababa had created. "Very good," Midna said, deciding to be the first one brave enough to venture out. "Now what are you going to do with that?"

"Fyrus smell it!"

She turned to the rest of them. "So... why did we even do this?"

"...To sniff it?" Morpheel hesitantly suggested.

"Could go up the mountain now," Diababa said, shrugging.

Link narrowed his eyes at her. "Weren't we gonna do that already?"

"Yeah... But now we have a fish, like the one the thing had."

"Let's go up the mountain already..."

They took the path to Snowpeak's base, again, Fyrus munching on his fish while cooking it at the same time. On the way up, they crossed paths with Ashei as she was taking the return trip. "I heard a lot of screaming back there. Is everything all right?"

"We were fishing," Link grumbled, already feeling the cold breeze on his thighs.

She stared, waiting for further details. The irritated not-hero stared back. "Right. Anyway, if you're really going to take your chances with Snowpeak, I'll show mercy." Her furry cloak was removed and handed to the boy, his hands already warming just from holding it. "I want that back after, so if you could stop rubbing your face in it I'd be thankful."

Link stopped, not even realizing what he was doing. "Uh, sorry... Felt really good though..."

"It's quality fur. Good luck, and don't ruin that." With a nod of goodbye she went on her way, giving wide berth to the monstrous members.

When the cold breeze of the mountain hit, Link could already feel the difference. That cloak made his every cell radiate heat, it took away the frigid mountain's air-

Midna poked him. "Link, face is rubbing in it again."

"Uh, oops. It really is a good cloak though..."

"I don't doubt that. Now get walking."

It quickly became apparent that having several giant monsters stomp their way across a frozen lake was not the smartest move to be made, especially after it broke apart one step in. Link dug his nails into the ice, his lower body hanging over the edge of that particular chunk, fur cloak just inches away from the icy water. "WHY DID WE NOT SEE HOW TERRIBLE THIS IDEA WAS?"

"You're slipping," he heard Majora chime from his rear.

"You're going to get wet too!"

"Yes I am. But I'll get over it, I'm the quirky sidekick character, I'm in no danger."

"THERE ARE NO CHARACTERS, JUST WATER."

"Touchy."

He was soon saved by Diababa and they began their ascent. Travelling up through the chilling wind and deep snow, Link was able to see why he enjoyed living in a forest. It wasn't because of the temperature, he had that covered, but working through snow above his knees, uphill no less... not fun.

"No no NO NO NO!" Morpheel was rolling again, building up speed as he tumbled down. "STOP THIS AT ONCE!"

"You can yell at the world as much as you want, won't change physics," Stallord was happy to shout down as he collided with a protruding rock.

The eye shook off the snow that built up, wishing he had eyelids to glare with. "Those are the words of one who has never had the power to try! I will- WOLVES!"

"What did Fyrus tell tiny eye about crying wolf?"

Link's head turned his way so fast that they all heard a snap. "There's that word! Say it again."

"Wolf?"

"THEY'RE CHEWING ME AND I AM UNABLE TO STOP THEM!"

"No, before that."

"Fyrus?"

"OW OW THEY ARE TRYING TO SHOVE THEIR CLAWS INTO MY PUPIL!"

"After."

"Wolf?"

"WHAT ARE- THANK you Stallord."

The skull leaned forward, front half covered in blood. "Heh heh heh, so many fleshy bits in these ones, and their bones are so flexible..."

Morpheel decided to roll back up to the others. This rolling proceeded as usual up until their path was blocked by a giant vertical slab of rock, a cliff as some might say. This cliff was defeated by the power of teamwork! Fyrus hurled Link and Morpheel up then climbed, Diababa dug through the ground, and Stallord floated. The only kink in the plan came in that Fyrus was very obviously unable to control his own strength and so the duo of green and bally overshot their destination.

"Fyrus no see puny ones," the fiery giant said, rotating in a circle as he tried to locate them.

"Maybe they went ahead without us. That's not nice!" Diababa huffed.

"I don't see any tracks... maybe you threw them too far?" Being the voice of reason, Stallord's suggestion was quickly misinterpreted.

"Oh no! Fyrus KILLED them by throwing too hard!" He dropped to his knees, tremors shaking the peak. "What has FYRUS DONE?!"

Stallord tilted his head to the side. "Not what I meant, but when you put it like that it's kinda hilarious. Let's go find the bodies and see how much is left! I wonder if he landed head first and his brains are all spread everywhere... Before the wolves guys, get moving!"

Far up ahead, Link slowly climbed out of the deep snow with weary arms. Digging his fingers in, he barely pulled himself out of the hole that Fyrus' throw had made for him. Fortunately, the cloak was warm enough that not even his fingers were cold from doing this.

Sighing, he flopped down and lay still, breathing heavily as he let his eyes close. "Never... again."

"Whatcha doin'?"

Link's eyes shot open. A glowing, golden paw was a foot away from him. Up from that was the smiling face of the golden wolf, panting down at him. "Eh?"

The golden bent down and prodded at the side of his face, starting to bounce like an eager little kid. "Wanna howl? I know you do, let's howl! Wheee!" He did a spin.

"I'm a bit sore right now..." Link rolled onto his back.

"I know just the remedy!"

Link's body screamed, as did his mouth, when the wolf leapt up and pounced onto his torso, almost literally tap dancing on his ribs. He managed to shove the idiot off. "NO! WHY WOULD YOU...?"

"It's just like what Bongo Bongo did to me when I was feeling sore, except I don't have as big hands to smash down like he did so I'm using me!"

"THAT HURT!"

"Yeah, it'll _really_ hurt but once you get better it'll all feel great!"

"I'LL GET BETTER ON MY OWN."

"Fine, fine. Wanna howl?"

"NO."

"Pleeease?"

"NO."

Twenty one seconds later, Link stood opposite him in wolf form. "Let's get this over with..."

The golden wolf howled some horrible bastardization of what Link was sure was a good song.

Link repeated it, actually doing a much better job at singing the Bolero of Fire... Then in a flash, he found himself in a fiery, completely different location surrounded by lava on all sides. "AH! WHAT THE HELL?!"

A few seconds later, the golden wolf appeared next to him. "Man, that was a really good job! You make me proud, Link IV."

"WHERE ARE WE?"

"Death Mountain."

"WHY?"

"Bolero of Fire!"

"TAKE US BACK!"

-Back on Snowpeak-

"Hi puny ocular observer!"

Diababa watched him take off, waving vigorously. "Fyrus that's-"

"Shh, I want to see how many times he does this." Stallord chuckled as Fyrus stopped, realizing yet again that he had only seen a slightly rounded rock.

"Hi tiny spherical compatriot!" He took off running again, passing over a ridge.

"What's he at?" the plant lady asked, following.

"Eight. Two more and I get a free breakfast."

"Make sure Fyrus doesn't cook it."

"Does he always overcook it?" Stallord snickered again.

"No, he burns up innocent plants as he heats it! I always tell him that he's being so indifferent to the fragile flora, but he never listens!" With a huff, Diababa hopped over the ridge. "Oh, who's that?"

Next to their dim minded ally stood a being matching the intricate drawing done by Ashei, at least to those who bothered to look at it (none of whom stand at that scene). Huge, furry, big eyes, a long under bite, a weird bulging ass-thing that _could_ be a tail; a nice looking guy, altogether. Some weird metal mask sat on his head and a gigantic fish in his hands. Above them both was a dull, wiry tree, a dozen large iced leaves, frozen solid and the size of Fyrus' foot, hung from it.

"Hello, more visitors!" the yeti exclaimed, waving his free hand at them kindly. "I see you not often, uh. Why come to snows?"

"We're here to kill things," Stallord answered.

"No things to kill here but wolfs and Yeto, uh!" The giant said, jabbing his thumb at his own chest. "And since I no want killed, you choose bad spot. Why you really come here? You look for something, uh?"

"Fyrus here to deliver!" A letter was pulled out from Fyrus' inventory and thrust into Yeto's hands, the fiery giant smiling like a kid. "You invited to dinner party!"

Yeto's eyes widened, excitement shaking his whole body as the letter was accepted. "OOOOOH! Dinner party?!"

"Hey, I wanna go to a dinner party!" Diababa slid to Fyrus' side, trying in vain to snatch one of the letters held just out of reach.

"Dinner mailed to guests only. Fyrus and puny everyone will have own dinner party after all is said and done, okay?"

"Mailed...? Wait, are you... _a mailman_?"

While this went on, Stallord hovered over to Yeto and leaned in. His skull was about the size of the yeti's body, especially with the horns. "We're actually here for this magic dimension mirror bit, so if you've seen it around somewhere that could be really helpful and I _won't_ kill you."

Scratching his lower back, Yeto nodded a few times with an innocent grin. "Uh, uh, uh! You make good floating climb, lucky to meet me. I found shiny mirror piece. Same you look for, uh?"

"Possibly. Shall we find out?"

"This mean you no kill me?"

"Indeed."

"Hooray!" Yeto slammed the giant fish against the nearby tree. One of the crystallized leaves snapped off instantly, falling softly to the snow in front of Yeto. "Come to my house, I show you, uh. My house far away, we slide there. Do like me, uh." Hopping up onto the leaf with one foot, he kicked off. The yeti slid down a short distance before jumping a gaping crevasse with his makeshift snowboard, continuing on his way.

"I don't know about you two, but I think I'm set to get there." Stallord spun upside-down and back to show off a bit. "So get sliding!"


	27. Snowpeak Ruination

_Well! Certainly has been a while! Suffice to say, year two of college is far more busy than the last. When I wasn't working I was basically loafing about, trying to get some relaxation in, which is pretty much what held this up for so long. Heavy workload course. Oh, and I _really_ wanted to make this one pun and got held up on that line for like a week before deciding it wasn't worth it..._

_AND Snowpeak was probably one of the less interesting dungeons in the game. I mean, it looks really pretty, but I don't remember being too thrilled navigating it. Still, I'm gonna work back into regular updates again, sorry about the delay!_

_As a final note, if I accidentally use present tense, well, I reread it like five times to make sure I didn't but it's because aside from this, for the last year or so I've written purely in present tense. This one keeps messing me up, so as usual tell me about any mistakes I may have missed!  
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_Published January 20, 2013  
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**Snowpeak Ruination**

Link materialized in Zora's Domain, swimming out of the water and returning to human form. "At least the coat didn't get wet," he grumbled, pulling the fur tighter around his body.

"Ain't shapeshifting awesome?" The golden wolf trotted up to his side, tongue hanging out laxly. "It kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it? I mean, is that thing, like, a part of your body when you turn into a wolf? Will wearing armour and changing give you metal skin? If you have bacon in your mouth will you get baconsenses? These are the questions that keep me up at night... and being a spirit, don't have to sleep, heh... Hey, where are you going?"

"Away." Link began the extensive walk back to the mountain, trying to keep ahead of his new buddy.

After a long, daunting quest, the trials of the land throwing wind, snow and foes in his path to each be conquered in turn, the young hero arrived at the peak that was his destination. Looking his way, Stallord grinned. "Oh hey! Me and she here were just trying to encourage our flaming friend. You can do it buddy!"

Link scanned the area, frowning. Snow, rock, and clouds. No giant fire spewing behemoth with the grammar of an infant. "I don't see him..."

"He's down there!" Diababa piped in happily, pointing at a massive crevasse.

"FYRUS FELL DOWN," called up from the dark depths.

"There was a yeti up here and he told us to follow him down the mountain, but he botched the first jump."

Stallord nodded repeatedly. "So we're encouraging him to climb this fragile vertical cliff face on his own. C'mon bud, I believe you believe you can! Do _you_ believe you can?"

"FYRUS _DOES_ BELIEVE THAT!" A few seconds later, they felt the mountain rumble. "FYRUS FELL DOWN."

"Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna stand on this while he's ripping it apart below me, so... which way'd the yeti go? And where's Morpheel?"

-With Morpheel-

Forced to face backward from his projected course, Morpheel was unprepared to smash clean through a window. "OW." Bouncing off the back wall and floor, he eventually ceased to be dizzy and realized that his fortune had placed him inside of some kind of study. Soft chairs, a nice rug, a fireplace that he had contaminated with his entry, King Dodongo- wait... "What are you doing here, lizard?!"

Rather than answering immediately, King Dodongo simply sipped a cup of tea held extraordinarily carefully between two of his claws, the mug shattering once use was done. "Greetings, traveller. You have come a long way, and such persistence shall be rewarded. You may ask three questions, only three, and I shall answer."

"Why are you such a twat?"

"Because eat me. So what's your deal?"

"I am Morpheel, though you may have formerly known me as Morpha! My power is a trillion levels above the still massive strength you know me for. The years have been more than kind to the great Morpheel!" A rupee bounced off his pupil. "OW. THAT WAS THE POINT YOU ASS."

"Yeah, I'm getting good at that, aren't I?" He yanked the carpet to retrieve his precious rupee, sending Morpheel into a nearby table leg.

"OW. THAT WAS A PROTRUSION YOU ASS."

"Heh, that one wasn't even on purpose. I'm good."

-Snowpeak-

"THIS WAS A-" Hitting a snow bank, Link's ice-snowboard stopped in place and launched him a dozen feet onto his face. He lay in place for a few moments before placing his hands upon the surface and pushing himself upright. "Why... can't you just take me down there?"

The giant skull that was his ally caught up, circling the boy. "Because I believe in you! Seriously, after what this mountain has put you through I think you deserve victory, a chance to show it who's boss, you know what I'm saying?"

"I don't even know what I'm doing! This is an expert level course and I'm a beginner!"

"Practice makes perfect." He swerved to avoid a bomb arrow. "Save your energy, there's still another few kilometres to go."

Groaning, Link finally stood up and trudged back to grab the bane this mountain has forced upon him. He would just walk, but there were a few chasms he had to build up speed for. Don't want to die, after all.

Picking up velocity for the next airborne advent, he was able to avoid the tall lump of snow and clear it with ease.

Oh, you want to know about the landing, don't you?

Face first.

Hating this mountain more with every inch he went up or down it, Link fought on. His battle was valiant and frigid, constant wind battering him at this immense altitude and the momentum threatening to solidify is very flesh... or at least it would be if not for the ultimate form of subzero protection so graciously leant to him.

Well over an hour later, Link, Stallord and somehow Diababa found themselves outside a dreary mansion. Long icicles hung almost to the ground, several windows were shattered so long ago that the edges of the glass have been dulled by the elements (aside from one, round hole with a flickering of fire within), and many walls crumbled to rocky rubble with the harsh passage of time. Whoever built this place had either abandoned it long ago or long since given up on ground keeping. "This place could use some ferns to lighten the mood," Diababa stated, clicking her... tongue? Lips? Eye stalk?

Another frigid wind hit the group. Link sighed. "I... think those would kinda die really quickly."

"Nonsense! All you need is to show them _love_ and they will live forever and ever! The warmth of your heart will protect it from this deathly chill."

Opening wide, Stallord shuddered and horked up a still beating heart on the snow between them. "Think that one will work?"

"WHERE DID THAT COME FROM YOU HAVE NO THROAT?!"

"You think too much. So, plant lady, how about it?"

"WHY IS IT STILL BEATING?!"

Leaning down, Diababa extended her eye down to the organ and inspected it thoroughly, scanning every inch. "Maybe, maybe... Where did it come from?"

Stallord shifted to the side to shrug in the best way that a floating dragon skull was capable of moving.

At this point, Midna emerged from Link's shadow, sighing. "Can we get inside already? Mirror of Twilight, evil guy, you know the deal by now." She proceeded to push Link, easily moving the feebly resisting boy.

-Snowpeak Ruins-

The dark, icy foyer was of the same quality as the manor's exterior. A part of the roof had collapsed long ago, rubble worn and snow covered, doing nothing to protect them from the gales that no one minded. Passing uneventfully through this room, Link spotted a firm, wooden door with the light of a fire crackling underneath it. Looking back at his assortment of allies, Link didn't have to think about his next call. "Okay, you guys stay here. I don't want to freak out anyone."

"The yeti accepted us quite well, once we assured him we were _not_ going to kill him. I may have lied a bit to get things moving." Stallord did his shrug.

"That's nice. Stay here." Opening the door, he carefully slipped inside. "OH SWEET MERCIFUL NAYRU I DON'T WANT TO DIE HELP! HEEELP! FUCKING GET ME OUT OF HEEEERE!" A gargantuan crash resounded into the lobby, a mighty roar, and the brief sound of fingers clawing at the door before being dragged across a rug.

"I'm on my way!"

Stallord quickly floated into Diababa's charge, halting it abruptly. "Wait! What if it's just saying hi? This could be its way of bonding! Running in there has the potential to ruin everything you know."

"I DON'T WANNA DIE YOU FUCK GET IN HERE **PLEASE**!"

"That sounds bad though!"

"It's a lot worse when you can't see it. Have you _heard_ any blood fall?"

"Uh, I can't really hear that sound effect specifically..."

"Clearly you have not encountered such as often as I have. Look, I haven't heard a single laceration, it is _fine_ in there, girl. You trust me, right?" The skull locked his teeth in a savage grin.

Diababa took a moment to think through the next screech of agony and thunderous collision. "Oh! That makes perfect sense. Hear that Linny? I'm only not helping you because this is for your own good. You need to expand your circle of friends after all!"

"NO YOU IDIOT!"

The skull chuckled again. "All will be well. I'd pat you on the shoulder now, but I have no hands and your arms kinda bulge out of your midsection, so, we both lack the proper anatomy."

"Headbutt of compatriotism?"

"...Su-"

The door swung open. From the lit interior staggered Link, unstained sword held loosely in one hand, clothing disarrayed, and a thousand yard stare just gazing out in their general direction. "Our host would like to see us," he choked before tipping over like a plank of wood.

"See? He's fine, just a bit stunned."

Once Diababa administered CPR to the semiconscious Hylian, the current trio squeezed into the far warmer chamber. Clearly more fit for living than the entryway, the room had lavish wallpaper, several comfortable pieces of furniture all pointed to the crackling fireplace, and a squishy carpet feeling nice on the toes/base. In one of those seats was a woman, a sort of female yeti perhaps. No arms were visible, it almost looked as though she were wearing poorly planned fur bodysuit rather than anything else. She turned her squished face toward the group, prompting a powerful flinch from Link.

He _saw_ things.

He _felt_ things.

_Unable to forget._

Coughing twice, she said, "Sorry, I have sickness, uh. Husband told me cute little human would come. You want to look at mirror, uh? Where you go?"

Link was fully hidden behind Diababa, holding up one of her leaves as extra security.

Stallord snickered at this. "He's indisposed. I can be your new contact, however. Please tell us or I will be forced to eviscerate you with my tongue."

"You don't _have_ a tongue," Midna sighed. "And of course, you wanted that for lead in to..."

"Nope!"

"Was expecting more."

"I am a betrayer of expectations~"

Shaking her head at his idiocy, Midna floated closer to Yeta. "So, mirror?"

"Uh, yes. My husband found it. But since I get mirror, I get sick, and then bad monsters appear. So many bad things happen since mirror..."

"That's because you looked in it and it broke! Ha!" Stallord grinned. "I apologize ma'am, you're quite... fluffy on the eyes."

The resident Twili emerged from the darkness, intent on getting this talk done. "Where did you leave the mirror? We can get rid of it for you."

Yeta the yeti blinked, thinking. "Uh, we locked it in third floor bedroom, uh. I show you location." Shifting position, a map was somehow placed upon the coffee table. "Key is here. Would you bring it to me?"

"In the back."

She nodded.

"Why did you... Whatever, not gonna gain anything but a headache by asking. We're done here, let's grab it." The shadow dweller dropped back into Link's shadow.

Link sighed softly, nudging Diababa to move closer to the door out of the room. She did as signalled, allowing him to stay out of Yeta's view until he could throw it open and dive through the wooden frame, skidding across the stone floor of this strangely large kitchen. The others squeezed through behind him without much difficulty.

"Hello again visitors! Including new one, uh! One is gone, but one who want to kill Yeto still here, uh. I wish other one was here instead." Stirring his cauldron in the middle of the chamber, Yeto quickly sampled it. "Needs more ingredients, uh!"

"Don't worry. We won't see each other many more times." Stallord locked his teeth in a grin.

"Yeto worried."

"Good."

Link just kept on walking. Keep on going, do not look back. The only way home and past the madness is forward.

Sadly, only madness awaited the not-hero. Yeto and Yeta apparently developed a habit over the years of arranging complicated steel blocks fifty times the boy's weight across icy arenas, forcing him to almost throw out his screaming back while trying to move them around. Only switches would unlock the barred doors, and these blocks were arranged to be pushed onto the switches with some thought.

"This is really silly, isn't it?" Stallord laughed, watching Link's boots dig into the stone as they tried to push the heavy metal over ice. "I mean, just because it's on _ice_ doesn't mean you don't have to apply ri_dic_ulous amounts of weight to do this, right?"

Link harshly inhaled, slumping against his newest foe. "Can you... do it... for me?" he panted, lungs heaving. "You're... big... and heavy..."

"Better idea! Funner idea! I shall _break_ the doors!" Whirling around, Stallord rammed his skull into the steel barred door that looked about as thick as his teeth. With a crack, he bounced off and dropped to the ground, eyes rolling and jaw twitching sporadically.

"Welcome to the group." Link gestured for DIababa to push the block. Once in place, the bars slid up from over the door.

"Hrrrrg..."

Slowly pushing the wood open, sword already jabbed through, Link crept into the next well lit study.

"Ah, Link and servants, Kingy and I were just finishing up." Morpheel nodded his eye toward them.

Diababa nudged Link's back as she slipped in. "Hear that? You're not a servant! Unlike me..." Her leaves drooped.

Rolling his eyes, Link sheathed the blade. "No one's his servant. Is this where you ended up... some time a while ago... how long have we been at this place for?"

"Too long," Stallord groaned, blinking rapidly. "The cold's not... good for my blood."

Ignoring that, Link stepped closer to the fire, and as such ended up right next to the giant greedy lizard. "Hi again.. Kingy?"

The business baron's eyelid twitched. "DON'T CALL ME KINGY."

Even in the heat, Link paled. He just nodded.

Midna emerged from Link's shadow near Morpheel, opening her mouth. "His ex called him that," the eye said immediately. "He was real sore about it, then they got back together again a year or two back. Then they broke up _again_. There were a lot of soap opera details, screaming, attempted murder, someone said 'who's the real mother', but don't ask him about any of this shit. I was in Lakebed Temple, figuring out what my godly title would be for like fifty years, he just unloaded all that info dump the second I asked how he was. Yeesh, you'd think I asked his life story or something! I'm the mighty Leviathan, I don't give a rat's ass! Ever since I was cursed by the gods to be this mighty beast, far stronger than my previous, water manipulating form, I-"

Midna placed a hand on his pupil. "All right that's enough of that. Did you see anything helpful to us on the way in?"

"OW FUCK DON'T PRESS MY LENS THAT CRAP'S SENSITIVE!"

She pulled it back. "Sorry, I thought you were, er, more resistant. Being a hopping eye."

"Hell no, it hurts to _be_ sometimes, I can just muscle through it unless some bitch is putting her claws through sensitive materials!"

"I said sorry, shut up about it already."

Diababa's eye stalk dropped between them. "Hi. Question! How can you muscle through something if you don't have any muscles?"

"...LINK. Let us move. This scenery bores me... LINK."

Stallord's face joined the fray. "Dude left while you were going on about your favourite soap opera or something, I wasn't listening."

In this brief moment of silence, King Dodongo loudly cleared his throat. "And now that you people have shut up for a few seconds, _wow_ you can go on about nothing, Morpha has told me-"

"MORPHEEL, the Almighty Leviathan!"

King Dodongo scoffed. "Yeah whatever Morph_eeeel_ told me you were trying to find some extradimensional portal."

He received a rapid nod from Ms Nature. "The extradimensionalist! Part of it's here, then part somewhere else, then part in the sky. Then we go to the extradimension!"

"You had me at 'tourist attraction'. I'm coming." Lurching out of his seating, King Dodongo started walking toward the door hanging open.

"I never-"

"You didn't need to say it to _say _it, you know what I mean?"

"...Sure!"

"Shouldn't have asked."

In the back, Midna sighed as she slipped into Stallord's shadow with no intent on letting King Dodongo profit off of her dying race in any form. "Where do these people _come_ from?"

-Later-

"HERE." The doors were thrown open, ripping off their hinges and crashing into the ceiling from the weight of King Dodongo's tackle. "And THAT is why you don't need a key."

Link waited for the doors to fall back down before proceeding. "It wasn't locked you know."

"Not every lock is a chained padlock you know."

"I haven't seen otherwise yet." Turning a corner, Link stopped, staring at the contraption before him. And what is _that_?"

"Ah, my specialty!" Stepping over him, King Dodongo placed a claw firmly upon the top of the device. "This, kiddo, is a cannon! Utilizing explosions and very heavy objects, we can send these balls hurtling forward at speeds at which they can smash clean through a wall or break every bone in your lanky little body with one shot. Want a demonstration?"

"...Not really."

"Too bad!" Shoving a cannonball into the barrel, King Dodongo puffed out a tiny flame to light the fuse. "Here we g-" His last word was drowned out by the cannon firing, not due to loudness, but because it was not properly secured and the recoil sent it hurtling back into his mouth and down the dragon's throat. Gagging, he fell to the ground and clutched at the afflicted region.

The cannonball, meanwhile, smashed clean through a random wall. The resulting structural instability brought down that half of the room and all chambers connecting to it.

"OhNayruIdon'twanttodie... The hell is _that_?" Link asked loudly, ears throbbing.

Through the rubble, the group could see a hulking figure. Decked out in plate armour and with a chain in hand, a gigantic ball attached to the end, he was easily the size of Stallord's skull... or at least would be, if the giant Triforce statue had not fallen from the collapse and run a corner through his torso, leaving him bloody and inert in the brick.

Diababa tugged at the choking dinosaur's flailing tail. "Ooo, Kingy! Is _that_ worth one million rupees?"

With one last heave the cannon was ejected from his system, flying off to do more property damage. He breathed heavy, red-faced. "Eh? Eh... Huh. It looks like it's marble... not worth nearly one million, but something of that size is... still rather..." Then he passed out.

"Noooo! Link! Give him CPR."

Still recovering from the deafening explosion a few metres from his poor ears, Link glared at the plant monster while wondering how much less it would suck being in the majority here _without_ ears. "I don't know how, you do it."

"I taught you earlier! This is your test."

"Taught me? Pretty sure CPR doesn't involve... The hell went into my mouth?!"

"That was my stalk~"

"...Why did I ask, _why_ did I _ask_?"


	28. Frigid Fracas

_All I can say is that time management becomes very hard, even with summer break! Gotta get back into it... Also, if you don't own Metal Gear Rising, get it. Okay, I know what you're here for, let's do this!_

_Published May 21, 2013_

**Frigid Fracas**

Two dark hands slowly pulled themselves up past the edge of the cliff, and with a grunt, their owner brought himself with them. After a few more moments, Fyrus stood flat on the snowy plateau, a big grin on his face. "Fyrus succeeded! ...Oh, where did everyone go?" Looking around and seeing no one, he shrugged and began to walk.

-In Snowpeak-

"Mm, this challenge is looking too easy... You know what it needs to spice life up?"

Link's eyes widened, never taking focus off of the ice monster swinging a halberd at him from atop a thin and icy rafter. Two levels below was the cold, solid stone of the cathedral's floor. "Wait what? Mask you better not-"

A strong breeze soared in from the windows, completely throwing off the not-hero's balance. Arms shot out, flailing desperately. "YOU ASSHOLE THIS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA!" Just as his feet slipped out from under him, a vine snatched him around the waist.

"Huh, I didn't even do anything yet. Man, the universe just hates you!" Majora erupted into wicked cackles as Diababa stabilized Link, allowing him to parry one more strike before Stallord shot in to brutally ram the ice monster into shards.

"I liked you better when you were quiet..."

"Tough, ain't it?"

"WOOO!" Displaying the restraint of an unsupervised child in a house made of candy, a large ball on a chain was swung just inches above his head by one King Dodongo, taking out two supports for the brittle roof. A groan reverberated through the already barely stable room just before a half of it caved in, killing the remaining ice monsters and burying the dragon skull who had been butchering them. He yanked back, letting the iron ball decelerate to a standstill. "Man, I can see why tripod got his own weapon. This thing's fun!"

Link stared, slack jawed within Diababa's vine. "You- you- you just took the roof, and, it was up, down on Stallord, he's under, why would, what made... WHY?"

"Oh he's a big skull, he's dead already, he'll be fine." The dragon hopped down to the lower level, his landing sending a web of cracks through what remained of the floor, before using the pile of wreckage and ice as a slope to enter the next part of what little remained of the manor.

The number of walls still standing on Snowpeak just barely required two hands to count. The initial area housing Yeto and Yeta were in pristine condition. The only indication that those doors weren't supposed to lead from outdoors to an interior were the jagged edges and dangling shingles. Next, the central tower which housed the bedrooms and the Mirror of Twilight, being a cylinder, only counted as one wall by Majora's standards and thus made one hand when added to the previous chambers. Additionally, the mask argued that not all beasts in the world had just five digits on a hand and it would be racist to consider that the average when their most numerously equipped partner was Diababa, with ten vines per bulb.

These semantics had little consequence on the demolition crew's destructive habits, however. With the cathedral barely standing, only two more miscellaneous structures remained.

Link, Diababa, Midna and Morpheel lowered themselves down very carefully, meaning Morpheel was dropped, Midna floated, and Dia jumped with Link in her grasp. "Uh, can someone make sure he's okay under there?" Link said as soon as he regained his bearings.

"On it!" Diababa bounced on over. "Hey! You okay under all those bits of rubble and wood and stone and that giant statue and the steeple?"

"...Peachy."

"Cool!" She returned to Link. "He's fine."

"Good, let's leave him and get going," Morpheel snapped, starting to roll over.

The rubble shifted. "Where... did he go? Is he still in here?" came the growl from within.

Diababa shook her eye. "Nope! Hopped on ahead, to that nice looking building."

"Which I'm sure has _ages_ of historical value!" Majora merrily added.

"While it's being destroyed, how about we go and actually grab the key?" Midna asked, not much care in her voice directed toward the collateral damage. "I'm fairly sure that he smashed the place on the map down twenty minutes ago, and we just got turned around when Yeto's soup exploded."

"Don't talk about the soup explosion, my right eye still feels like it's been impregnated by an Iron Knuckle!" Stallord roared as a half of the rubble erupted in a burst of flame, a second blast finally freeing the skull.

The eye nearby scoffed in indignation, ignoring the splinters and stone shards bouncing off him. "Oh, you think your _socket_ feels bad? I haven't burned this badly since Barinade tried to make me manipulate lava! There's physical pain, and then there's having every particle in the universe beat you in the nuts with a plank of wood."

"If you're an eye, how do you know what getting hit in the nuts feels like?"

"Because shut up."

"In fact, if a particle is holding a plank of wood, that wood will be made of more particles, and so each of those will be- I'm afraid you've created an infinite hole of logic."

"Stop doing that thing that produces noise, now."

"What I'm actually producing is vibrations, caused normally by a simple process involving the exhalation of air, but I don't have to exhale so I-"

"AH!" A thunderous series of crashes echoes through the peaks around them, a few flakes of snow drifting to the floor as the building King Dodongo had wandered into fell upon itself. Thanks to the direction of the wind, a few pillars and half a roof tumbled down onto Stallord. Again.

"Goddesses... Are you two okay?" Link called out.

For a few moments, only the wind blew through. Then...

"Mmrf..." Stallord's pile shook, and the battered skull nudged his way into the open air. "Where is he, I'll kill him..."

"Might not have to!" Majora piped in. "That was a lot of solid stuff on his head, and that scream might have been initial bodily harm. Could be dead already!"

"I'm... not dead..."

"Who wants to put him out of his misery?" the mask asked in a singsong tune.

Stallord barred his teeth. "We should leave him. Let him suffer."

"Enough with the joking, could someone get him _out_ already?" Link asked anxiously, eager to get going before these insane psychopaths went _too_ crazy. They had to get a key, get the mirror, and then hope that the yetis would be too blind to notice that a rampaging dragon thought the walls looked better horizontal.

"Yeah, they can do that, going to get the key in the meantime." Midna not so gently guided Link across the courtyard and in the direction of a brick mound, formerly a rather ornate chamber of the mansion. King Dodongo shouted something about the scent of some Gibdo painting company before bringing the place down, moving on immediately.

Carefully stepping out onto the ruined ruins, several questions went through Link's mind. "First... how am I ever going to find it, much less dig it out this year?"

Getting no immediate answer, Link turned to face the floating imp... but found himself alone. "Midna?" A strong breeze rustled his fur cloak, ear tips shivering. "Hello...?"

"Don't worry, you're not alone..." a dark voice said within the farm boy's mind, its wicked cackle sending the first shiver up his spine since he gained his coat. "I'll always be here. Waiting. Learning. Seeing. Hearing. Feeling. And once I start tasting, well, then you won't ever have to worry about me again, Link..."

"I'M HERE!"

"AH!"

Diababa's stalk popped out from between the bricks, looking down to Link as he hid behind a rafter sticking out. "Hi."

"DON'T DO THAT, EITHER OF YOU."

"Are you done screaming-"

"AH!"

"...now?" Midna floated in a place that used to be behind him, a key around her finger.

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?"

The Twili pointed down lazily.

"WHEN? H-HOW?"

Holding her arm out, a big orange hair-hand reached out and plucked the trinket up, dangling it lightly.

"WHY DID YOU BRING ME?"

He received a shrug. "Would you have rather been with _them_?"

Pausing while he thought about it, Link felt the ground rumble twice. "Yeah good point... Let's grab them and get going. I _know_ we're gonna have to fight something big and mean up there, like always..." He weakly sighed, trudging on.

-Outside the bedroom-

"AH!"

The group had begun to climb the very broken stairs leading to the bedroom door. On reaching the top and rounding the last bend of the cylindrical tower, Link saw Yeta standing outside, screamed noisily, and jumped behind Diababa.

"Oh, there you are, uh. What... happen?"

"WE'RE SORRY!"

"Uh? What for?"

"FOR ALL THIS IT'S DODONGO'S FAULT HE'S THE ONE WHO DID IT!"

"Rat bastard you sold me out!" Link ducked further to hide himself from the outside world completely, unintentionally dodging the giant metal ball that was swung where his head used to be.

"Did what, uh?"

Midna sighed. "All right, there was this big dumb thing with that wrecking ball which attacked us, and because it was such a stupid, rampaging beast it ended up destroying most of the mansion. Luckily, we managed to put it down before it hit you two."

"Oh. Uh, wasn't it always like this?"

"Yup, they're all stupid, can we get moving?"

"Uh, yes." Yeta turned around, sneezing quietly into her... fur? Then she began to walk.

A light cackling broke Link from his stupor, stunned into a scrambled silence at Yeta's complete ignorance toward the state of her home.

The bedroom was soon made open, its lock crashing to the floor as the group stepped into its dank, dark, furnished, finely carpeted, well lit confines with a small, kept fire flickering to the side... Link's eyes jerked from the floor to the ceiling, inspecting every corner as he dashed around the inside and checked under and behind everything. He _knew_ there was a big baddy in there somewhere. Would the bed attack them? Maybe it was in the closet? Was the _carpet_ the enemy?

As he thought, Yeta began to approach the mirror fragment perched on top of a dresser. "I will get, uh."

"Link why are you glaring at the floor?" Midna asked.

Link's eyes snapped up. "Uh, didn't realize I was. Just a bit paranoid that we're about to get attacked like _always_."

"Want me to supply a monster for you?" Majora merrily offered, shaking around.

"NO."

"I'll take up that offer!" Stallord barred his teeth in a bloodthirsty grin.

"If you insist!"

"YOU NO TAKE MIRROR!" And the Yeta screamed out as the windows to the room exploded, a strong, chill wind swirling through the room. Her eyes were black and red, mouth suddenly full of fangs as a booming cackle echoed through the roaring storm.

Majora cackled over the winds. "Oh my, that wasn't me either, man these things just happen before I can even act, don't they?"

"I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, IT WAS JUST A QUESTION OF WHEN!" Link drew his sword, pulling his cloak tight.

The snow and ice formed around Yeta, solidifying and taking the shape of an ornately designed, bright jar-shaped structure.

**Blizzeta  
><strong>_Twilit Ice Mass  
><em>Likes: Cold  
>Dislikes: Being smashed by a big metal ball<br>Greatest Accomplishment: Is ice

Stallord scoffed at this. "Well that's lame. It won't bleed until we get to the juicy core. Even then, barely a mouthful."

The ice mass began to glide toward them across the freshly frozen floor.

"OH NO! WATCH IN HORROR AS IT CREEPS TOWARD US SLOWLY!" Stallord opened his mouth to charge a fireball, but before he could act King Dodongo had swung his wrecking ball forward and smashed the formation back across the room. "HEY! I called this one!"

"No you didn't, you were just bitching at how boring it looked." The dinosaur slung the ball over his back, grinning as Blizzeta crashed into the opposite wall. "Which means this one's _mine_."

"NO!" Morpheel shrieked.

"Hell yes, ball boy."

"NO! I mean I am sliding and I cannot obtain any grip!" True to his words, Morpheel very, very slowly slid ahead toward their rebounding foe. His spinning in the opposite direction did nothing to change momentum. "I COMMAND YOU TO ASSIST ME!"

Diababa bounced forward, pulling a bulb back. "Can do! Hold on tight!"

"Wait no not y-!"

It was too late. Diababa swung, smacking him toward their enemy like one would a golf ball. The small sphere bounced off the far more massive Blizzeta.

"OW. YOU FOOL THAT STUNG."

Watching King Dodongo and Stallord charge across the chamber, racing each other to be the first on to crack Blizzeta open, Link just shrugged and sat down against the wall, a small grin to his face. "This might actually go pretty well!"

King Dodongo smashed the ice with his ball again. "Be careful not to kill her! I want to capture her, and harness her ice making powers so I can gain a monopoly on the business."

As it flew back across the room, Stallord swung his rear around to knock it back. "My god that's _brilliant_, you'll have a monopoly on the _oh so_ competitive crushed ice market! You're more clever than I gave you credit for!"

"NO YOU'RE HITTING IT TOWARD ME OW!" Morpheel was launched again.

"It's like a slapstick sketch, only without the admission fee," Majora cackled.

"Do you, uh, like slapstick?" Link hesitantly asked, not sure if he wanted to get to know the mask better or not.

"Totally! It's full of misfortune and suffering, makes me cackle every time. My favourite part is the end, when something always impales them and sprays viscera onto the crowds. The looks on their faces, oh..." Majora devolved into demented giggles.

"I should've known OH DIN IT'S COMING THIS WAY!"

From Stallord's last strike, Blizzeta was sliding his way, the house sized mass of ice preparing to crush Link between itself and solid wall. Seeing his danger, Diababa leapt into the fray, planting her roots firmly between it and Link, bracing for impact. "Don't worry Linny! I've got this!"

Diababa was flattened against the wall with Link, squishiness at least saving him from being splattered. They received more force when the dragons began to further smash Blizzeta's shell, but eventually the giant of ice shattered.

Yeta recoiled across the room, snow floating around her as she came to a halt in the air. Shrieking again, more wind poured into the room, giving the possessed yeti a new shell. This one was pretty much a cube, and much smaller, but floating around it were a dozen blocks of ice, the bottom side of each sharpened into a vicious point.

"Okay, that one has _some_ more danger to it, but still, nothing threatening." Stallord barred his teeth in a grin. "And there's less ice between me and her..."

"Leave it to me!" Whirling around his ball and chain, King Dodongo hefted a mighty throw at the hovering abomination. Sadly he underestimated the distance, and so the weight reached its maximum distance and recoiled back, smashing into his teeth. With a high pitched shriek the dinosaur collapsed out cold.

"Ouch, that looked painful!" Majora cackled.

"How do you _see_ from in there?"

"I'm in your heaaaad~"

"WAIT WHAT?"

A vine wrapped around Link's waist. "Kingy's down, we need backup!" Diababa shouted before flinging him into the fray.

"WAIT WHAT?" Scrambling on the ice, the hero fell painfully onto his rear, yelping. Blizzeta, seeing a new, vulnerable target, brought her sharp ice crashing down to him. Just barely getting a grip on the slippery surface, Link kicked off, the blocks digging in just inches behind him. Unfortunately, he was yanked when it turned out that the ice was impaled through his cloak, or more accurately Ashei's cloak. "NO!" Seeing another one of those blocks moving above him, he slipped out of the robe to get further away, avoiding death once again.

Before more could be brought down on the poor farm boy, the main cube was headbutted by Stallord. "Forgetting someone?!" He twisted, snapping his jaw around it. Blizzeta shot through the air, the skull refusing to let go, at least until it smashed into one of the chamber's walls. "NOPE!" The other wall met him as well, and then the first again, its stone and ice breaking enough to reveal more of the outside sky. "STILL NOT LETTING GO, HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

The room shook. All combatants stopped moving. Stallord's eyes looked around, Blizzeta's ice became still, Link checked to make sure he wasn't being murdered anymore, Diababa stopped trying to wake up King Dodongo, and Morpheel... was completely unable to stop sliding.

The ceiling cracked, then those cracks spread, and then it shattered. "HELLO!" Fyrus fell through the roof, a big smile on his face as Blizzeta and Stallord became flattened under his huge ass on impact. Ice shards were blasted everywhere as the enemy was smashed to bits. "Fyrus butt feel pointy."

"That's because you're on Skully," Diababa told him, returning to poking King Dodongo's neck.

"Y-you okay under there?" Link calls out, cautiously reclaiming his shredded cloak, cringing. "She is going to kill me..."

"...Fucking _peachy_."

The ice and snow inside the room began to melt, and as soon as Fyrus stood up the shard of the mirror formed from the still Yeta, hovering over her. Midna floated out of her safety shadow and snatched it with her hair hand, tucking the large object away. "Okay, that happened. But at least we have two mirror shards now. There should be two more left if they're all this size."

"Who wants to bet that Zant was a cock and took a tiny little sliver for himself?" Morpheel said, scoffing.

"Mm, bet?" King Dodongo's eyelids flickered open.

Midna rolled her eyes. "I doubt he- HEY! You're not allowed near her Skully, I think we've beaten her around enough _without _eating her."

"I wasn't planning to eat her," Stallord grumbled, floating lazily away from Yeta. "I don't eat unless it's still able to fight back. Funner, yadda, my head is killing me again..."

The Twili glared at him before returning her attention to the others. "Regardless, I want the rest of you to avoid getting your hands on these mirror pieces. If they can do that to someone normal, I don't want to see what would happen to one of _you_."

"Morpha might actually be able to hurt someone..." Kingy mumbled to himself.

"YOU DOUBT MY MIGHT?"

"Always."

"You guys are loud," said a new, dull voice.

Everyone looked around, then down to near Fyrus' feet were the voice originated. "FYRUS HAS TALKING TOES!"

"No, that was me." By shoving the unconscious Yeta aside, an ice cube with many of Blizzeta's intricate carvings was revealed. It was about one foot in dimensions. "Sup."

"It's so cuuute! Can we keep it?" Majora squealed from Link's pack.

The Hylian shook his head, cautiously approaching the cube. "You just get more weird every day... So, uh, what're... who're you...?"

"Dunno. Probably just the leftover evil energy contained within the last remnant of that whatever. Blizzeta, I guess. I'm an ice cube."

"I... see..." Link stood awkwardly beside Blizzeta's remains. "Can you, uh, move?"

"Uh... One sec..." The cube began to float. "Sure, looks like it."

Stallord grinned. "Welcome to the group, target practice!"

"Group? Huh, yeah, there is a lot of you weirdos."

"Yup!" Diababa bounced across the room, landing inches away from Blizzeta. "We are an assembled group of outcasts, fighting tyranny and oppression for the sake of the freedom of nature! United under a common purpose, though our stories may all be different, we courageously venture onward into the unknown for the sake of our lands, people, friends and loved ones. Like many before you, you first fought for the side of evil, but no longer are you bound by such vines. You are free, and with this freedom you may make others as free as yourself! Come with us, and you can use your icy powers, born from the glorious forces of nature, just like my supergreat plant powers, ooo this'll be so much fun! You'll fit right in!"

"...Sure."


End file.
